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Adnama

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About Adnama

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    Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defence.

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  1. I have this problem. It presents in various ways according to the relationship. My parents and my friends back in my home town... it's like I miss them but I don't miss them in a real way, if that makes any sense at all. Like I know I'm supposed to miss them, but it's not really there. Because I haven't seen any of them in over a year. I talk to my parents every day, out of habit. But... I don't know that I know they love me and care about me. Even though I know it. Sigh, this makes no sense. The long lost sister that just found me- I just visited her last month for the first time, and we got really close. Now, I have more trouble remembering that she loves me and isn't gonna take off on me. I'm constantly coming up with ways in which she doesn't want to be my sister any more, or she regrets finding me, or whatever. I have those sorts of thoughts about anyone new, but its worse now that I'm so far away from her because I... guess I don't have that "loving presence" of her in my mind all the time. Logically I know she loves me. But sometimes I can't get that emotional crazy part of me to believe it because she's not right here and when she's not right here I can't remember her as someone who loves me. My husband who I met online- back when we were still 1000 miles apart and had our phone relationship, it was much harder. I had a lot of trouble convincing myself that, yes, he loves me and no, he's not gonna leave me. He was constantly having to reassure me that those things were true. He still has to from time to time, but not like it was. It was also a little better after he sent me one of his stuffed animals and his necklace. I still wear the necklace, and now I have my ring too. I've also noticed that, while he can leave for short periods of time and I'm ok, if we're apart for a long time- like when I'm in the hospital or when I visited my sister- it gets harder again. When I was down in Texas with my sister I started thinking I didn't love him any more. Which is very not true. But I guess I didn't have the same image of him in my mind that most people would have of their husband. I probably don't keep as many transitional objects as I should. Like I said I have my necklace and my ring, and my stuffed animals, but that's all relating to my husband and that's really it. I'm sure I'll collect things from my sis over time, I do have pictures from my trip, and this Christmas and birthday presents are gonna be somewhat special, I'm sure.
  2. That's what I was thinking. She told me this morning that she dosn't want to introduce any other meds, or use two meds from the same class at this time. (That's weird all by its self compared to other pdocs I've had!) We may consider seroquel later, with my other doctor I guess, if this dosn't help. Or that doc may have totally different ideas.
  3. The phospital I'm in right now is 5 stars. I mean, common, they have a computer and weirless internet! But hey, that's Mayo. More importantly than that there are LOTS of trained pnurses, and the majority of them are A++ and very caring. It irks me that people here still complain, because I've been in some awful places, but that's another topic. For me I end up here because I know I'm safe. Even if I don't always want to be, I know there's nothing I could really do to myself here. There's always someone to turn to. Some programming and some of it is even relavent. But now I've been here so often that they tried to commit me- I would have been off to the county hospital then. But then the county decided to send me to residental treatment instead. I embark tomorrow!
  4. Ok. I'm currently on I'm-not-sure-how-much abilify (I'm inpatient and they mess with it so much, I"ll find out tomorrow when I discharge, but it's not much, 5 or 10 mgs), and wellbutrin. I'm struggling with some anxious/reved up/racing thoughts/wanna-punch-a-wall freak out episodes. Benzos slow me down physically but not mentally so I don't want benzo's- horrible feeling. So my doc perscribed a 5mg once a day PRN of abilify. K... Anyone ever heard of this? Is it something that may help with this kind of thing? Personally, I think the wellbutrin is screwing with me and speeding me up. But they don't seem to listen. Comments? It occures to me that I'm going to be offline for two weeks starting tomorrow, but I may be able to check here in the morning. Thanks
  5. lunar47, I get what you mean about labels. I think I made myself sound a lot healthier in that post than I actually am, lol. I think what I said was sort of my... ideal advice, because I'm so so good at telling other people what to do about their problems. To be honest... I guess the whole "I'm not a cutter, I cut- I'm Amanda" thought is my ideal "that's how I should think." And I do some of the time. But, a lot of the time I do cling to the labels of "bipolar" and "borderline" and "crazy" and "mentally ill" and all of that. I may be "Amanda"- but who the hell is she? When it comes down to it, cutting and SI are very understandable responses to intense emotion. I use to think, "Look, it's either this or I die, would you rather I died!?" And I heard a thought once that SIers should be congratulated in a way, for finding a way to survive. The problem is that it is very unhealthy, and even dangerous, and there are much better ways to cope out there.
  6. The idea that you need to cut to a certain severity, or amount, or way, or whatever in order to be a "real cutter" seems kind of... ridiculous? Self harm comes in many shapes and sizes. People pick skin, pull hair, head bang, cut- just to name a few. But no matter what flavor of SI you engage in it all comes down to the same thing- an unhealthy way of coping. No way of doing that is more "true" than another. I cut for years. It started out small and by the end I had 16 stitches in my leg. That was when I decided enough was enough. I actually worked my way through the 12 steps to help me stop. That was almost two years ago, I relapsed minorly once. However, now I have a habit of banging my head on the wall, so I'm not coping any better than I was. And that's the root of my problems. Stitches arn't fun. Neither is being cared for by emergency room staff who see you as some kind of lunatic for doing this to your self. Depending on your state and county mental health services, you could also gain your self some unwanted attention if you end up with too many self inflicted injuries. I just found out that in Minnesota, they can actually commit you for long term if you go to the hospital too much and they think you're not stable in the community- even if you're voluntary. That's what I'm dealing with now. Seriously, people need to drop this whole "cutter" identity thing. Such things do not define you. I'm not a cutter, though I cut- I'm Amanda.
  7. They put me on a 72 hr hold. This is to solicit the county to get involved. Apparently the process goes faster this way. The county will come talk with me and ship me off next week to a facility here in town that does longer term. Now we're getting serious. I've never been involuntary before. This other facility is in town at least, not far far away as I feared. It is lock down though, unlike IRTS. Damn.
  8. That's what I keep saying! But they keep throwing me out. I'm now on a 72 hr hold inorder to solicit the county to come have a look at me. They'll come see me and ship me off to another hospital that does longer term treatment.
  9. On new years day I was admitted to the psych unit. Discharged the following Tuesday. Readmitted the next day. Discharged the next Monday. Readmitted the following Wed (yesterday). Not doing too hot. Last night I felt like I was going to explode and they had me go in "open seclusion" (voluntarily) and I basically just went back there and ran into the walls as hard as I could for awhile. Now they're talking about long term. There's a topic in the medical system sucks forum about that ongoing saga. Anyway, I saw the doc this morning. He lectured me about "locus of control" when I told him to "fucking fix my head" and whatever. Then he basically told me to pick a couple of meds that have worked the best for me in the past (I've basically been on everything with very little success) and we'd do that, but we'd stick with it and not go changing it around. ...I almost feel like he's setting me up. This way next time when I come in and I'm worse off he can go, "see, we tried it your way and it didn't work, now you have to listen to me." I picked welbutrin and abilify. I dunno, I think I had mostly positive results with those. Can't remember real well. And at least they're not gonna make me fat.
  10. Lets see, on new years day I was admitted to the psych ward. Stayed in over the weekend, was d/ced on tuseday. Re admitted the next evening. Stayed the weekend again, d/ced this past monday... readmitted the following wednesday (yesterday). Yeah, I''m not doing too hot. So at this point we're really starting to talk about long term hospitalization. And there's this awesome program here in MN. IRTS (Intensive...Residential... Treatment... Services?) It's like a 90 day thing and, from what I understand, the nice thing about it is it's not a total lock down situation. I can leave during the day So I could still do my DBT groups that I was trying to start, and see my fiance and stuff. Alright! Pack my bag! Lets go! Fuck me... I have medicare. There goes that idea. They don't pay for such things. Ok, ok. Well Medical Assistance pays for IRTS! Lets get that! I... don't seem to qualify for MA... WTF? I'm ON FUCKING DISABILITY AND I MAKE TOO MUCH FUCKING MONEY!? FUCK YOU! (Don't mind me btw... I'm saying fuck alot... fucking fuckity... I called the ER doc a fucktard yesterday...) I'm developing a theory about medicare. They want me to die. See, my doctor when I was here last week also recommended I see someone in the obesity clinic. (I'm a fat ass because of all the fucking meds... bmi like... 50 someodd?!?!?) Good idea! Fucking medicare.... sent up a fucking form that... guess what... THEY DON'T PAY FOR THAT! That proves it! They want me to die so they don't have to pay for me. So either I kill myself, or have like a fucking heart attack at 22. So now the search commences for some sort of long term program for me. Fuck, I'm so gonna end up in state lock down some where far away from home. Why won't these people just make medicare happy and let me die? Fucktards.
  11. Yeah, most of the nurses and people at the hospital haven't even heard of the zonegran used for bipolar. One of the mayo doctors put me on it though. I dunno. I got some sleep last night but I'm dropping again today. Still thinking of going in.
  12. So I spent a weekend in the hospital. Intense mixed depression, suicidal ideation, extremely unstable mood, restlessness, anxiety, and akathesia to boot. They didn't do a whole lot for me. Raised the zonegran and discontinued the invega because of the akathesia. See- I've been on most of the medications out there with little success. They seem to work in the beginning, and then poop out and I'm back where I started. So I've kind of decided my last hope lies in starting a DBT program. That's been in the works for awhile. It was decided to let me out of the hospital today, eventhough I hadn't improved totally, because they didn't want me to miss my orientation appointment with the DBT people. We figure at this point I'm better off getting the DBT started because that's what's gonna help me the most, then just sitting in the hospital while they throw useless pills and shit at me. So I start DBT on Monday. That's good. This was one of many hospitalizations. It was also one of my shortest hospitalizations. I don't think by standard practice I was actually ready to leave, and I'm feeling that now. I hate saying this because I hate being in the hospital so much, but there was something comforting about being there. Being home right now feels kind of... open... and vulnerable. At the hospital I felt safe and apparently took some sort of comfort in the restrictiveness. I guess I knew I was safe from myself. Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I don't know if I -need- to, at least not yet. The thoughts are chasing around my head... no plans... nothing I would act on... but the bad stuff is there. Mood is sort of wobbling up and down right now.
  13. So how intensive is your average course of DBT? I'm in the process of getting into a program right now. Three groups a week, plus an individual skills coaching session once a week, plus an individual therapist once a week. Not to mention case management once or twice a month. The four facilitators on the team also take turns carrying around a "skills phone" during business hours that you can call and get help and coaching from if you should need it. There are also social workers available after hours. I had my first orientation session on Monday. Basically going over the rules of the program, whats expected, how it works, etc. This Tuesday we're going to get into some more of that, plus some casework centric stuff I guess, and by then they should know when I can start. I'm excited. I'm kinda at a space in my life where it seems like DBT is my last hope. The meds are crap. Other therapies are crap. ECT is crap. I don't have much left. This seems like exactly what I need.
  14. I'll have to ask about the zyprexa... some time. Like I said my doc is uber cautious so she'll probably want to adjust 10 other things- one at a friggin time- before she tries that. UGH! My fiance and I just had a crying argument about me going to the hospital. He threatened to call 911. He's now gone back to playing video games and the subject is just kind of... hanging there at the moment. The "chaos" (ME) is really bad right now. I'm going batshit. Add that to the akathesia- no wonder I want to kill myself. But I DO NOT want to go to the hospital! NO! I refuse! There's nothing they can do for me except sit me in a room- and they way I'm feeling now I'd probably end up in restraints. Damnit. THIS NEEDS TO STOP! I"m going to jump out of my skin! I'm going to scream! edited to add: And I see my doc at a county rapid access clinic. They're only there on Monday and Thursday.
  15. This has not been a good past few days. I've been alternating between really depressed and really mixed for a long time. My new doctor is REALLY cautious, so she's been making small med changes slowly. I want to rip my hair out. And now I'm doing this akathisa thing which is completely god-awful and just making everything 200% worse. Cogentin doesn't work, benadryl doesn't work, ativan no worky. UGH! They've lowered the invega (suspect med) twice with no luck yet- but that will probably take several days to get out of my system I realize. My doctor didn't even give me cogentin or benadryl or ativan for it- she just left me to suffer though the invega going out of my system! I finally went to the ER when it got so fucking UNBEARABLE! Twice! Fucking fuckity! Top it off with the fact that I've hardly slept the past three days! Tonight it's the jittery hell + mixed state. I'm going crazy, absolutely batshit. We went for family Christmas at the in law's today, fiance and I were the first to leave because I was just crawling out of my skin and had to get out of there. And now some of the suicidal ideation is back. Not terrible, I'm pretty sure I'm safe right now because my fiance is here, but it is scary enough that he threatened to take me in. FOR FUCK SAKES- IT'S CHRISTMAS! It was bad enough that I spent thanksgiving in the hospital the first time I was hospitilized when I was 17. But now YOU WANT ME TO SPEND MY FIANCE AND I'S FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER- IN THE FUCKING NUT HOUSE!?!?!?! No. No no no no no! Nothing they could fucking do for me anyway. You think those bastards have any doctors around until after new years now? Not likely. THey'll leave me to rot... or end up in restraints. I mean, I wouldn't want to go to the hospital anyway. No. No no no. I refuse. I'm not going back there. I wouldn't be surprised if they had to commit me the next time. But, come on, Christmas? I just want meds that work... or at least don't make me worse... is that really such a hard request?
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