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Lady Krazy Kat

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    New England, USA
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    writing, reading, psychology, social work, art, crafting, yoga, meditation, libraries, community theater, hiking, biking, swimming, traveling, animals, vegetarian cooking, live music/festivals, making awesome quirky-themed mix CDs

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  1. Today has been radical acceptance and riding the wave
  2. How about lamictal? When I used to take Zoloft and it didn’t quite work, I added lamictal and the combo helped tremendously. Don’t have be bipolar for lamictal to work. If you just need it for winter, Wellbutrin is approved for seasonal depression.
  3. Been struggling with some urges this week..... I will stay sober today: -Because I'm trying to lose weight, and it fucks with my metabolism (not the best reason, but it is what it is) -Because I'm tapering off Klonopin right now and it would interfere with that process -Because it fucks with my sleep -Because it is an embarrassing "teenage" drug to do, and I'm a 31 year old woman -Because I feel physically/mentally better when I DON'T do it.... and feel more confident the more I fight the urges -Because it's a beautiful fall day out, I have the day off, and I'd rather go for a long bike ride
  4. No, you are not the only one. In my early 20s, I "accidentally" discovered that purging was "cathartic" for me and brought about the same "release" that people who self-harm in more conventional ways tend to report. It did not start as an ED behavior for me, but rather, I would often eat (not even binge) to have something in my stomach to purge... or would purge on an empty stomach even. Regular individual psychotherapy and DBT group therapy (typically helpful for other forms of self-harm....I had to "argue" to the intake worker that my purging WAS self-harm) helped me overcome this for the most part. However, this is a coping mechanism that has kicked in here and there in times of high stress.... such as being in a psych inpatient unit and having my PTSD triggered by other patients' behavior. Then the purging got me transferred to the ED unit...even though I had purged more in those 3 days inpatient (3x to be exact) than I had in my entire previous 5 years (which was 0 times). Unfortunately, when I got out of IP treatment (psych and ED unit), that coping mechanism continued on for a little bit, but this time with an ED element. (i.e. was binging too). I guess what I'm trying to say is that, IMO and experience, it can be done for the same motivators as other forms of self-harm, so I believe can be considered self-harm. However, it can lead you to get incorrectly Dx with an ED by a clinician who fails to see that connection, AND it can put you at risk for developing an ED as you become more "addicted" to the whole ritual (as in my case). I'd strongly encourage you to talk about this behavior with a therapist knowledgeable about both self-harm and ED who can make a proper assessment, help you understand the behavior better, and recommend the best course of treatment, such as DBT. Fortunately DBT is effective for both ED and "regular" self-harm.
  5. Whether or not you test positive for benzos would depend on how "sensitive" the test is that the PCP ordered (i.e. the cut-off levels for that drug). I work in an outpatient dual diagnosis treatment program, with substance abuse as its primary focus. We test for 8 categories of substances, one being benzodiazepines, which are not "supposed" to be taken while in our program but exceptions are made case-by-case, with the preferred benzo being clonazepam due to less abuse potential. About a year ago when we switched labs, several of our patients who were on (prescribed) lower-dose clonazepam (I think like 2mg a day or less) were testing negative for benzos, resulting in some staff thinking that patients were suddenly selling their pills or whatever. ( It turns out that the new lab had a higher cut-off point for benzo levels, and clonazepam up to a certain dose did not show up in the regular. The agency had some of the urines sent for GCMS testing (can't recall what that stands for but its basically more sensitive test...can show levels, distinguish between benzos, etc), and it turned out the clients were in fact taking their prescribed clonazepam. I suspect that might be what happened with your PCP. Also, I think that's probably why I never "failed" a pre-employment drug test from my own prescribed clonazepam... unless those tests didn't test for benzos.
  6. OMG YES. I can 100% relate to what you wrote. I'd write more but I'm off to work now.... I'll come back to this later and say more. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
  7. God, I hope not.... I am only 30, and I don't even have kids yet (want kids, so it would make me very sad if I was going through early menopause). IDK if "menopause age" is genetic, but it's hard to tell anyway because both my mom and my maternal grandmother had hysterectomies, so they had surgically-induced menopause (mom in her early 40s, grandma in her her mid 30s), both due to severe endometriosis. On a side note, I have tried to bring up endometriosis to my current gdoc and current/past gyndoc at different points in my life when I've had similar bouts of this a couple years ago and a few years before that (and especially when I started having bowel issues recently... my mom ended up getting severe endometriosis in her bowels toward the end), and they've blown me off, saying that that's "only something you test for if you are having trouble conceiving" and I'm not yet trying to conceive. However, my mom's 2 sisters, who did not have hysterectomies, went through menopause around the "normal age" (early 50s). My dad's mom and sister were also in their early 50s.
  8. Sorry for the squeamish....mention of bloody girly stuff. So, some of you may have known from other of my threads that I am tapering off Zoloft. I don't think I am doing this excessively fast... it's slower than what previous pdocs have recommended. However, I have gotten some of the weirdest side effects from it in numerous body parts: the notorious brain zaps, weird "behind the eye" headaches, migraine-like visual disturbances that come and go (with or without actual headaches), excessive bouts of alternating constipation and diarrhea, one fainting episode with many more dizzy spells, tooth pain (basically any kind of pain I have is magnified beyond what it normally would be), heightened smell/vision/sound, and other neurological "weirdness" NOS.... interestingly not a lot of actually psychiatric effects, which is good. The thing that's bothering me right now more than anything is the hormonal crap, mainly because my breasts are now so swollen and painful, they feel like they weigh about 10 pounds each-- they are noticeably bigger too. It's happened ever since I ovulated last Friday (I know when I ovulate because I have very specific kind of cramps when I do...to the point that I can tell which ovary the egg came from). I'm otherwise bloated as well (in the belly/hips/legs/arms) but not as bad as in the boobies. I have gone up about half a cup size in less than a week (I expect them to go down again after my period so it's not time for bra shopping yet, as I've had this symptom a little bit with my PMS, but not to this extent, ever. I would be between sizes anyway). It hurts to wear a bra, and it hurts NOT to wear a bra. It hurts especially to wear a sports bra...but exercise is supposed to help with PMS and bloating, so that sucks because I want to work out, but even riding over a bumpy part of road on my bike causes boobie-pain. It even hurts to have a shirt or sheets touch my breasts. While I generally get some kind of breast tenderness and sore nipples before my period, this is ridiculous. I have noticed a change in my cycles overall since about June, and I started tapering Zoloft in May. 1.) my periods, both the length between periods and the number of days bleeding, have lengthened. Normally I'd be thrilled to go a couple more days without a period, but I'd take my "too frequent" (every 23 days) light periods over my "normal frequency" (every 28 day) heavy painful periods 2.) Significant cramping to the point that I can't do anything for about 2 days, maybe longer... cramps in the obvious places of the stomach and back but also in the vag, the butt, shooting down my legs, etc. (Fortunately my periods have fallen, like clockwork, on the weekends, every 28 days). My "normal" cramps are tummy and a little bit of back only and respond to ibuprofen 3.) Heavy bleeding with passing large clots, like quarter to half-dollar size. Normally my flow is light and clot-less. 4.) My period stops after about 3 days, goes away for a day or slightly less (like 12 to 18 hours), then comes back full force again for 2 days, then done without really tapering off. 5.) I get some mild constipation during PMS time, but it's been so much worse (like going every 3 to 4 days), and then when my period starts, I am having massive diarrhea like 10 times in 2 hours. 6.) Again the breast pain, some joint pain in my fingers/hands, and more bloating than usual, and not just constipation-bloating (I am super bloated now but still having normal bowel movements.... it is still about 9 days before my period is due). 7.) The PMDD mood stuff has been the same to slightly better, which is odd because I physically feel like shit. I haven't changed my eating habits, my fluid habits, not pregnant (unless 3 home tests taken out of anxiety are wrong), not on any BC or other hormones, no changes in supplements or other meds.... the Zoloft taper is the only change. All of this to ask.... any one ever have this experience from tapering a SSRI or other psych med? BTW: I have been to my gdoc a few times recently for some of the above symptoms, like the migraines and constipation and mentioned the menstrual changes as well, at least as a possible cause for the bowel changes along with the SSRI taper....I was sent for numerous labs/bloodwork/urine but gdoc 1.) prefers to see each "symptom" as a separate entity and completely disagrees that the common thread of it can be SSRI-withdrawal related (my pdoc says some of these symptoms are "unusual" but doesn't discount them), and 2.) completely disagreed that there could anything unusual with my hormones/periods, instead referring me to a GI and neurologist separately for the constipation and migraines. It's too soon insurance-wise for a regular GYN exam (eligible again in Nov) and I feel nervous and like a drama-queen scheduling an appointment specifically for these issues, as my gynDoc is also somewhat invalidating too.... stated in the past on a couple occasions that if SSRIs don't help my PMDD and I "can't tolerate oral contraceptives," there's "really nothing he can do for me beyond that." Edited for: Clarity.... though I still may have used the wrong words here and there. Damn SSRI-W/D neuro-weirdness.
  9. The only medication I ever felt was helpful for my BPD symptoms (well, technically I have/had complex PTSD which is like PTSD with borderline traits) was Lamictal... SSRIs haven't been helpful, AAPs weren't helpful, benzos were helpful until I built up a tolerance and refuse to keep going up, etc. (This is why we are in the process of tapering me off my meds... because medications have either made matters worse, had nil effect, or some combo thereof. The ones I stuck with for so long were basically because they had the least side effects not because they were effective. Lamictal helped in weird ways that's hard to describe.... it helped me to feel less triggered by "abandonment threats" and PTSD triggers, it helped me to feel less of sense of pervasive shame, it helped me to dissociate less, I think it helped with some chronic pain stuff that isn't exactly borderline but I feel is trauma-related/psychosomatic. The only problem is when I stay on it too long, it really starts to fuck with my hormones and makes my PMS worse. (None of what I'm describing is what is "normal" for the medication... but then again med treatment for BPD/trauma-disorders tends to be just symptom focused, not targeting the whole disorder) Anyhoo, the only things that have truly helped my borderline symptoms/complex trauma issues are therapeutic: DBT, some insight-oriented psychotherapy, mindfulness practice.
  10. Hi Tryp. I read your reply like a week ago, just felt too, IDK, embarassed/awkward/whatever to respond. I do really appreciate what you wrote. And I'm glad that I'm not the only person who has issues with the word "manipulative." I think that's "my word" (i.e. my belief about my behavior) and my own projection rather than what other people tell me the behavior is.... but I could be basing that on years of emotional abuse/neglect in which I was made to feel that things were *my fault* and *not real* or what not (without being told I was being "manipulative" or not). So, yeah, I am able to somewhat cope ahead and even tell some people (specifically my SO) that I am feeling triggered and am in danger of acting out. He is supportive....and when he's less than supportive, he is trying to be. The problem is the situations in which I am not "able" to cope ahead, like work stuff. Like, I can regulate my work day to an extent around the fact of whether or not I feel triggered...but I can't completely avoid my supervisor and coworkers (I'm fine with clients), and I can't do what I fully need to do in order to cope with my symptoms, which is sometimes to completely remove myself from the environment (i.e. go home) as opposed to tough it out and have to discuss what just happened (i.e. my self-harm and my unusual behavior). Talking about it with certain unsupportive people makes me feel more ashamed/judged, which is when I am more likely to want to hurt myself. Since my post, I had 2 further situations like that...once on the phone with my SO, and once again at work. The SO incident has been resolved, but the work one is one I am going to have to "discuss," I fear, in my weekly meeting with my boss. Sometimes he just completely ignores shit (to the point of being negligent), which I'd prefer when it comes to this because it's something I am working on with my treatment team, because its none of his business (except when I accidentally make it his business by doing it in front of him which I don't intend to), and because he has a way of talking to people that is very invalidating and could potentially make these things worse. ETA: I also believe that this recent self-harm has a cognitive/neurological component too, because it's more likely to happen when I am overstimulated by stuff in my environment (noise, bright lights, lots of movement) and when my brain is shutting down and when I have migraines... when I described it to my therapist, she said it didn't really sound like dissociation per se.
  11. I just donated, kind of embarrassed about how small my donation is, but whatevs... At least I didn't opt for dumping the ice water on my head. If I have more money left after my next check and paying car insurance, I'll donate a little more in a couple weeks
  12. My name is Kaya, and I'm kayaking to Kiev to key khaki Kia's and kill this krate of Krispy Kremes.
  13. Make my own program. Who is John Galt?
  14. Today I'm grateful for beautiful weather...and for getting my ass back into therapy after 6 weeks off
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