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About charlottehill

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    Reading, walking, music
  1. Nothing is the end of the subject, the mere fact that you posted about it and how you felt is a good thing... Failing is not accepting the situation for what it is, not allowing yourself to discover the next step. Only you truly understand your feelings, and nobody can say you failed in any way unless you feel that you were lacking. And even if YOU felt you were lacking, others would disagree. You were there when others weren't. Failure is relative, but being there is everything to those who feel that they have been there from the beginning.
  2. I'm technically unemployable, but only due to my MI. Meaning, I could work no prob to a point, and then could "inexplicably" break down. I don't care, so long as it doesn't disadvantage my kids, but Welcome To The Real World. I can't help my kids to their potential, and that hurts. None of this is the worst, but it's pretty damned crappy all the same. And one thing leads to another, so all I can do is try to stop it anywhere and anyway I can... Love to all xx
  3. Tried to post a few days back, thwarted by my crappy puter erasing my post... Stay with it, it ain't easy or rewarding in the short term, but when you look back you'll be glad you did and be able to help so many others.... You know so much more than so many struggling now, please don't waste it... Charlotte x
  4. I've been suffering for years. Like, feeling stuff but KNOWING it's all relative to my state of mind, lack of emotional understanding, whether it's an illusion or sanity, it sucks. I've been depressed to the point of ending it, reliant on others to the point of prolonging it, and on rare occasions hopeful to the point of unexpected righteous insanity. But I say that because I am an atheist. My meds have had a huge effect, but fail to make me better in the sense of "normal". That might not be important, as long as I hurt nobody and those I connect with here don't either, on purpose or not. I really don't know where meds controlling my emotions and my own sanity are divided. It's not neccessarily a problem, but to me it MATTERS. I need to know how far gone I am. Best to all x
  5. Hey, what's ur story?

    Nothing is taboo here x

    u wanna talk?

  6. a slip means nothing beyond a temporary lapse... failing means nothing more than a temporary lack of control... nothing is permanent... all the best x
  7. keep at it, if things are bad you have to remember that nobody WANTS to give up, just it sometimes seems the only option. Seems does not mean is. all the best x
  8. I suck. Discuss...

  9. Seeing people's face when they are included. Making people feel like they count. Doing the RIGHT THING whether it is acknowledged or not. And most importantly, when they've done the right thing,
  10. Looking back, i see a history of wanting to blame it on substance abuse (skunk) and just loking for SOMETHING to rely on. Relying on somethin and bein dependant is a different thing. 'm growing up and realising that the time will soon come that I have to go along with my daughter's choices or cut emotional ties... I don't ever want my daughters to rely on boys at under 18, but if it happens that way, I'd hope they could talk to me, knowing that I understand where they're coming from and they can accept the side of the position of the duchess of CAMBRIDGE...
  11. For me, it's not how i feel right now. It's the long-lasting psychological effect on my family. I figure, they've had to put up with enough til now, why make it worse by taking myself away from them? That would be far more selfish in the long run than *opting out* as far as they are concerned. Not to say anyone should accept feeling like this, just that all options should be explored before making that kind of decision. It's not black and white, and nobody should make this kind of decision alone. Hah, I sound like one of my counsellors.... But really, it's all relative and all that's relative is subjective when it comes to others. Hope you can find peace x
  12. should say I've not read any replies to this, but wanted to say that IN MY LIMITED EXPERIENCE being what I experience as hypomanic is infinitely better than depressive. It is all relative tho, and to me hypo may be only one up from depressive, but we can only go on what we know. I've been depressed about 80% to hypo, very little normalcy. Give me hypo without caring about my family, no prob. But with my family in the equation, I need to be more normal than I am. Huh, normal must be a fallacy.... x
  13. I'm curious to know, what's the worst situation you've been in due to your MI, and what's the worst due to other's preconceptions. And not least, what you've denied yourself in terms of education and employment opportunities cos you feel you either can't manage or others won't make allowances for your illness. For me, I gave up a skilled job and the belief in myself as a mom. I still wonder "what if"... Mood does not equal problem, but it's hard to see beyond the obvious sometimes... And you?
  14. Giving up and admitting I couldn't do it anymore, going into hospital for a short time, was the relief I needed at the time. Trouble is, I lost the choices I might have had about my life. It worked out OK for me, cos material stuff was never a priority, but if you have nothing you can't very well lose too much, right? I'm not saying giving up for a bit is a good or bad thing, just that it's good to weigh up the consequences with the benefits. But more importantly, if it's what you really need RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, sod the future implications, it's more important to look after yourself NOW. I'm no counsellor, no doctor, no expert. Just wanted to give you my thoughts, based on my limited experience, cos I have been where you are. At least, what you describe is very much like how I have felt. I just think, why let the crap win out? What's been the point of it all til now if we just roll over and submit? Hope you can look back and see "what is the point of Ash".... cos I'm guessing so many people would be in a worse place without you. charlotte x
  15. You know me... you must, how else could you GET IT.... A needs doing. Can't do A until B is done. B is waiting for C to fit in with D, which I shouid have sorted WEEKS ago, but life got in the way and multitasking's not my strong point... How much of this whole blame shifting is OCD and how much is more to do with our own issues, only the pdocs can truly say, and only they can change your meds to help. Nothing's solved, but greater understanding of your thought patterns and how much you REALLY trust those who supposedly want to HELP you, it's all part of a learning process. What we do might work, it might not. If it does, we have another chance at being a part of the adventure that is being human at the most exciting time the world has ever seen. If not, that implies a suffering of sadness that can either be headed off by the right people at the right time, or accepted as part of the human condition and surrendered to. I see my job right now as to make all those I have contact with feel as good as they can about themselves. I'm no judge or jury, but i hate to see others in pain. We do what we can. We can't all be in a position to help. Sharing means more to so many here than we may know. Love to all x
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