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Reluctant Mom

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About Reluctant Mom

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    I’m not going to tell the story the way it happened. I’m going t

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    Cape Town, South Africa
  • Interests
    Wine, Photography ..... sometimes just wine

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  1. My brother in law (husband's sister's husbad - does that still make him my BIL) is a really good tattoo artist. I adore his work, and his shading. I have secretely been stalking his work for years. crtclms - caution heeded. I also know how I get about a project. Total totally overkill and immersed in it. I can't see myself being any different about a tattoo.
  2. Calypte - my drive home with my kids would always have me in tears, about everything. They have got used to me taking long pauses in sentences as I attempt to phrase a response without sobbing.
  3. I have been off med for several years. The last year has been one cry-fest after another. I have not been able to get through one conversation without having snot coming out my nose and tears down my cheeks. I have almost successfully blamed it on my "new contact lenses" and also the "office lights which irritate my eyes" - I started on Nuzak then switched to Zoloft about two/three months ago. I have since not cried. However on Friday morning I was feeling about as close to suicide as I have ever got (well in a very long time) and then I did have a bit of tears, and a little sob. But it was not the relentless crying that I have become accustomed to. The Nuzak/Zoloft have definitely dried up my tears ducts. Right now I see it as a bit of a bonus. However it might be an issue going forward. But today I am just doing breath-breath-breath, tomorrow I can worry about other stuff.
  4. This thread has been sitting in my head for quite some time, and may be changing my take on "tattoos about your illness." I saw a text tattoo while lurking around another site that really resonated with me. I am not convinced yet, but I must confess the idea is less unappealing than it was before I read this thread.
  5. I have just started The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. Excuse the cut and paste: "Gladwell defines a tipping point as "the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point."[1] The book seeks to explain and describe the "mysterious" sociological changes that mark everyday life. As Gladwell states, "Ideas and products and messages and behaviors spread like viruses do."[2] The examples of such changes in his book include the rise in popularity and sales of Hush Puppies shoes in the mid-1990s and the precipitous drop in the New York City crime rate after 1990." My brain is not firing on all cylinders right now, so I am struggling to focus my attention on my usual stuff, but I am finding this book really interesting and easily engaging. I like to refer to it as a "toilet read" as you can read small snatches that hold your attention easily. If you enjoyed Freakonomics, then this one is definitely in the same genré.
  6. I might be totally out of line here, but the problem with depression/anxiety/panic disorders is that it is ALL IN OUR FRKN HEADS - that is sort of why we are seeing a psychologist/psyciatrist and taking mind altering drugs - but I do not have a medical degree, so I might be totally wrong. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was not in our heads. Then we could have it cut out, or removed and carry on our lives like happy little folks. I'd pay for that! Instead we are screaming inside and being tortured each and every day BECAUSE IT IS IN OUR FRKN HEADS! I seriously would nod in agreement and say it is in our heads, now can he/she with the medical degree get IT THE FUK out, so that my day can be normal, if not could she/please refund me my 50 minutes and money spent on the consultation. <sorry for my rant, I am in a very bad day of several bad days, and suddenly understand what it is like to feel yourself slipping into insanity. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for me>
  7. I hate to say I take comfort in the misery of others. But nothing says "you are not a total loon" than others careening in the same direction as you.
  8. wj74 - I so need a crisis plan. I am in a similiar situation with 3 kids, a job, another job and some other stuff. Right now I am trying to have a nervous breakdown/anxiety episode, but I am actually holding it back to appear as "normal" and "functioning" as I can as I have a few things to do and complete before I go totally looney. Sounds fkd up? Totally. I have a crisis. I actually just need a plan.
  9. Hi Emily - I am not sure what work you do, so what sort of behaviour is acceptable. I work primarily in a design or print environment, so pretty much any mannerisms and quirk is acceptable. But I would probably struggle doing the same thing if I was an accountant. I do similiar things to you, though I do not have an eye tick. I often scratch my arm, when I get very nervous or anxious, or I flick my nails (annoying = yes). I always look over someone's shoulder when I am talking to them. I struggle to stand still - and tend to bounce around, which is a bit disconcerting for some people. I find work and meeting new people something that makes me very anxious - and I tend to keep conversations short and factual because of my inability to do small talk. If you do feel you are "nervous of people making flash judgements" - I personally find the seat of power" (for me) is to mention it first. I will say that I am anxious or that I am nervous or if that environment does not lend itself to that, I will apologise and say "sorry, I have a stange tic going on, I have had a headache for a few days and it seems to be setting off this strange symptom - I hope it does not bother you" The person will normally reassure you, and hope you get well. (I find that saying I have a headache is usually much more socialy acceptable than saying I am in the throngs of a full blown panic and anxiety attack -- as I am now) Not sure that will help you in any way. New jobs and meeting new people, is very stressful and full of moments of anxiety until you are "not the new girl/guy" anymore.
  10. I have another pdoc appointment tomorrow and need to review my brown chemist bag. I have felt very panicky, anxious and jumpy this month - I was also on Xanor which I took twice a day, and either I misunderstood or filled an incorrect script as I went from 2 per day to 0 per day - by Saturday I was feeling quite strung out and more paranoid and panicked. I am not sure I am over presribed or under prescribed, but I am not feeling any better, actually more spiralling than anything else. My only up - is that I am not crying all the time. Other than that, things do feel a bit bleak, and I do not feel like my depression is plateau'ing it is in this plane free fall towards the ground. But I am hoping that between scripts and CBT and me hiding from me having a "respite" to work from home will equal some sort of normality soon. I think my DH is at his wits end, and has suggested that maybe relooking at a clinic stay might not be the worst idea we have ever had. I am not totally disagreeing with him. But I feel I want to give it another week or two to see if I can just get through the worst of the storm -- my fear is that I have not even hit the eye of the storm yet. But thank you for all your insights. I really try not to google - else I start reading way too much - and the majority of it is not a levelled opinion based on personal experiences/.
  11. Thanks for your various insights. I think I move very quickly from being anonymous to "flatly introducing myself as a real person" which of course is to my own detriment (on many occassions, clearly I am a slow learner.) I struggle with social filters on line as I do IRL. IRL and in social media settings I get equally hurt, turn it into a catastrophe and then skulk around beating myself up about it for days. However that being said, no one cares really whether I am having a "bad episode" or not, so is probably reacting as wankerish as they would anyway, just today I do not have the sufficient resources to deal with it, and take it all on personally. Which is also not ideal. I think social media like any social situations needs a certain set of skills/resources/padding so you do not get punched in the face, and know when to duck. Right now I am not well kitted out, and do not seem to know when to duck, nor when to step aside, so seem to be taking a few hits straight in the face, which is also not ideal. But ..... no doubt ..... once I hunt them down and shit on their respective car seats (IRL) I will feel much better, and have some closure. Until then I will just brood about it. Pinkie and the Brain stuff.
  12. Vapourware = I think that is what I like about social media is that I prefer to be given the time to formulate my response and respond, rather than when you are face to face with someone and have to pick up on social cues, and for me - trying to to react like I want to, and weigh that up against what is considered socially acceptable. I do not set out intentionally to hurt people's feelings - and am quick to apologise if I do realise with 20/20 hindsight that I have said something and either I was too blatant, or it hurt someone's feelings. I do appreciate that not everyone can like you all of the time, and I am fine with my opinion differing from theirs. But be constructive, not a wanker when you respond,k and do not attack someone personally, when really you know nothing about them. I think earlier this week I was just attacked on a social media forum and there were two girls who where the instigators, and it turned into rampant mob menatality - it was personal and it was intentional and they used things I had shared with them in a horrible, nasty and public way. I was being blamed for things I did not do or say. I felt it was better to just log off than try to respond against the flurry. Of course then I am left smarting and annoyed - and feel this overriding urge to return to "defend my honour." I have had several from the forum approach me privately and said that it was a total bitch attack, and and and ... but I found the silence of people jumping to my defense rather loud. However in the same sentence I do not expect people to defend me, but it was the way the mob reacted that I think upset me. And I think it just made me question how "honest" and "personal" I am on sites, when the reality is you are not "safe" anywhere, no matter how "at home" you feel. I did a serious case of "facebook culling" this week as well, which helped loads. I do struggle with "this is real and this is tangible" versus "this is total crap from a person who is remaining anonymous and thus giving themselves implied power to go ape on your arse because they are having a hormonal day or what ever" -- But i like forums and blogs, and I enjoy reading other people's perceptions and how they go about life. It often enlightens me to a way of thinking I did not consider.
  13. I have always felt very awkward/uncomfortable in social settings, and though I do want to avoid them, I don't. Generally dealing with people leaves me exhausted and wanting to curl up into a ball somewhere and recover. But that being said, I have a large/wide network of friends, we go out often, we do things socially as a family, I go to kiddies parties with my kids - so I force myself out of "my comfort zone" because ..... I think I am trying to appear as normal as possible, and not make "my issues" a reason (not explaining well, but any the way) that we as a family insulate ourselves. I discovered" forums/blogs about two years ago. Before that I barely went on to Facebook. But since then I have realised there is an entire community out there. I really enjoying blogging/foruming, but the thing I have realised - recently through several huge errors - that I expose myself far too much in cyberland. I tell you the same thing here (in the same tone) I would use if I was sitting across the table from you qand as if I knew you for 5 years. My social filter does not kick in (it seems.) I often use poor judgement because I think they are "safe" places - when clearly they are not. I have spent much of this week trying to 'wean" myself off social networks, because I have realised I am blurring reality and social media, and I am taking what happens in cyberland way more personally than I should, as most people hide behimd Avatars and project an impression of who they are, and then often feel free to use this as a licence to be cutting and brutal. I think my question is - does anyone one else struggle to kerb their cyber habits, and how to you successfully wean yourself away .... when you feel it is so important, and it also feeds you in some way (as I do)? <yes, I get the irony that I am posting this on a forum...that is not lost on me>
  14. Sage advise. I have also done some weird shit after I have taken my sleeping pill. I now do that when I am in my jammies and in my bed. Recently I did it once while eating dinner and drinking a glass of wine. I have absolutely no recollection of what I said or did until I woke up the next morming. I have made a personal pact with myself not to pick up my phone or laptop after 2 glasses of wine and/or medication - never goes well. Takes all of Monday to do letters of apology.
  15. LikeMinded - I won't lie to you, South Africa has some murder+crime statistically that would put you into an anxiety and panic spiral if you were not in one. But that being said, I live here, and though a few years ago I was clawing my eyeballs out to emigrate, right now I am fine - but of course I have safety concerns, and I worry about my kids and stuff like that. I have security gates on all my doors and windows and another in the middle of my house to seperate the sleeping/living area. But knowing what I do, I know that I see and experience a lot less violence and crime that people who live impoverished lives in townships. I have heard (unfortunately too often) of where people are raped or murdered on trains in a carriage full of people, and everyone is too scared to do anything. Some of the sh*t that goes on here, is very scarey. The news disturbs me, I no longer watch it and do not follow the newspapers either. I listen to talk radio and listen to the news to keep abreast of what is going on. But I really can't do tv news anymore without being really upset. I realise I am burying my head in the sand a bit. I know what is going on. I know what happens here everyday, but I just do not want to see it. <I have two Zimbabwean ladies and one Malawian man that work for me, and they can tell some horrific stories of what they have experienced in their countries and why they have sought asylum in SA. So Africa is not the easiest place to live. But it does have something about it......which makes it hard to leave>
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