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jeff

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  1. I have told two doctors about her, one said she was a fragment of my personality and he could do nothing, the other thought I was making up the whole thing for attention. as for therapy, I have been to mostly daily group therapy for the past 5 months but I have an appt with a new individual tdoc on the eighth, not sure what type of therapy it is.
  2. I just want to fucking end this bullshit life I live, it seems all good from the outside looking in, but on the inside it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm destined to either spend the rest of my life in and out of the hospital or kill myself, and I'm searching for a way out of those two possible ends but I just don't see it. I can either tell someone how I feel and why, and they either tell me to go to the ER, or either commit me or force me to sign myself in threatening commitment If I don't. I would not have a problem with this, as I actually like some of the hospitals I have been to and would be content with living there, but what kind of life is that to live, and they don't seem to actually help, the most recent one made my problems ten times worse by sucking. all I did while I was in there was fantasize with hayley as to how to best end myself once I got out, or possibly before that. she was pushing for tying my pants around my neck while in there saying it would never get any better and I told her that it would be better once I got out and back to my girlfriend, car, computer, friends etc, but more and more it seems everything she says is true. I haven't told any doctors about her since they either don't believe she actually exists or they tell me there is nothing they can do about it. one medication I am out sort of dulls the edge, but not all the way. but she herself is not the problem I am having, its that everything she is saying MAKES SENSE, and it is getting harder and harder to refute her logic and it is now getting stuck in my head to the point that I am thinking about it even when she is away, asleep, drugged out or whatever else you want to call the periods of silence. what she keeps saying is this: "life in the hospital is no way to live, take control of it and actually end it yourself, don't call it suicide, call it post term abortion" and she is right. I do not know what to do I'm at a loss. my first thought was to go check myself into a hospital but that would make the 6th hospitalization since july, none of which did anything to help so all that would accomplish is merely delaying the inevetable by 30 days or so. making matters worse is that now im in an arguement with my girfriend and I have to go see her tommorrow morning or shes gonna break up with me, and I know its gonna be an arguement in which she tries to make me pick between her and my dad, and im not really good with difficult social situations like that so I know however it ends its gonna be stressful, probably stressful enough that the lovely voice in my head is gonna be out and mad, and I dont even know if i will be able to safely drive home from that so should I just tell my girlfriend that it wasnt meant to be over the phone? add to this that if my dad who managed to get himself involved in the situation with her following my last suicide attempt thinks i was the asshole dragging her down, he will think less of me as a man and then you see how i start to feel trapped and all. i just dont know what to even do...
  3. I can relate with the OP... when I get mixed I think of PIT-ing slow drivers with my car, and hitting annoying pedestrians, and shooting the drug dealers who live across the street, and punching annoying people in the face, and poisoning people who get on my nerves. but I agree with the other posters, take the zyprexa, better to be asleep in your own house than sitting in jail, likely with NO meds in jail. (they did that to me, jails are horrid to people with MI)
  4. I was suffering through a depersonalization episode at partial today and the therapist reccomended doing what he called 5, which is a mindfullness exercise where you focus on 5 things you can see, hear, touch, smell, then 10 things you can see, hear touch or smell, etc. it helps a little bit
  5. after I wake up from ECT I usually feel amped up and ready to take on life, it could be described as a trance like state but its more like energized.
  6. my pdoc does therapy with me, and is extensivly trained in psychotherapy, however she is from europe so that may be part of the reason she is good at therapy, she is also brilliant pharmocologically speaking.
  7. I like psych wards, it is kind of hard to explain what they are like but I will give it a shot, they feel really safe and stuff, and you get constant attention from the staff and fellow patients. That is what I like about them, on the other hand, the food is terrible and they don't allow a lot of things which can suck. it all depend on what psych ward you go to
  8. My pdocs (I have been hospitalized so much that I have two pdocs) both think I am treatment resistant, and were at their wits end by the time they found a combination of meds that actually works.
  9. http://neurosurgery.mgh.harvard.edu/functional/psysurg.htm Perhaps this will help you better understand the lobotomy in modern medicine, where to get one, the ramifications of one, and how there done. It is a good article.
  10. Ask about lyrica, it works really really well as a mood stabilizer for me, and is said to also help with anxiety, which may reduce panic attacks
  11. "let me know if we need to lower your thorazine because its too sedating" as I was bouncing off the walls and laughing hysterically at the therapists every lame joke. (I'm in a partial program)
  12. For some reason, I have found that if I don't take my lyrica within an hour of the normal time, I end up with a splitting headache, somewhat like a hangover headache but even worse. Does anyone else receive this side affect or am I the only one, and if so, has anyone found a cure for it, since sometimes I accidentally leave my afternoon meds at home and this happens. (I know the obvious answer is don't forget it)
  13. I am actually gonna try that Rosie, It may be more helpful than the Ice cube thing.
  14. but they intentionally say things they know will piss me off, and then laugh about it when I get upset. its not fair. or is that just life? I want to see one of them walk for a day in my shoes, I doubt they would last 5 minutes.
  15. I already asked my parents to let me create a broken salvation army plate pile out back, and they said no, I cannot break any glass out behind our house. rosie: what do you do with the frozen grapefruit? throw it, or just roll around on the floor with it like a hamster in a hamsterball? I also saw my tdoc today, and he said I could try smoking the green again, which I did, and it didn't really do anything at all, it just made me disoreiented and everything looked kinda funny, while it didn't make anything worse, it didn't make it better either, so that can go in the trash bin next to the geodon in morning idea, and about a thousand other things him and I have already tried and decided were useless. honestly though, I think he knew full on that I would go straight home and smoke, and that I would find it to be not as good as remembered, and probably tell him when I see him again tommorow it was a crappy idea... tdocs work in funny ways sometimes he also apologised for scaring me, so apparently I was just being paranoid that I thought I was gonna end up in the hospital, he told me he had said that to try and scare me into not cutting, and when he saw today that it had the opposite effect he had intended, causing me to freak out and cut more, then freak out more after that and go wacky, he actually apologised, and now tells me that he won't send me to the hospital unless I attempt suicide, or decide it is funny to injure someone else. so fortunately that whole mess is cleared up. now though I'm not completely sure if he lied once, would he lie again the opposite way to catch me off guard, he needs to learn that I don't respond well to the threat of force, real or imagined. but after all of this, I've *still* got more issues I feel like informing the world of, and asking its opinion on, I actually intend to ask my tdoc this one tommorow if i remember, but here it goes. the people at my job have a habit of triggering me intentionally, laughing about it, then going to the supervisor and compain about "feeling threatened" when I decide that enouph is enough and voice my distaste at them, usually in less than kind words, and once while driving a peice of equipment in a "reckless and dangerous" manner. The quotes are what I have heard from my boss about. my question is this: should I just find another job and quit as soon as possible? or should I try to learn how to put up with assholes at work, because they are a fact of life. I already tried complaining to the boss about them and was told "They are just guys playing around, you need to learn to not be so emotional about everything, and fly off the handle......." I don't remember the exact words of the whole conversation, but the whole thing made me want to "fly off the handle" and get "so emotional" with my boss and supervisor right then and there, however the situation is more complicated than that, because the boss in question is also one of my best friends, and I hate to be complicating things at his job, because he got me my job when I really needed one, and will probably be pissed if I quit. Its like none of them realize what I go through everyday, and all that they care about is the fact that my parents have what they all consider a lot of money, and think I am "the first person I ever met that I think is insane" one of them actually said that to me, in those words. tl;dr: should I find another job, or put up with assholes because I will have to at any job.
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