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Everything posted by Gearhead

  1. Granted! You discover that there is some weird. shit. living in your neighbor’s garden. Human anatomists have never even had to coin names for some of the body parts you’re seeing. The plants next door are wonderfully healthy, but now that you’ve seen who’s really tending them, you think of all the tomatoes your neighbor has given you over the years with utter horror. You will never eat gazpacho again. I wish I could time travel.
  2. Good idea for a thread. Today I went out to lunch with my husband. We had Indian food, which is my favorite international cuisine. While we were there, I realized that the ambient music was a sitar player covering such classics as “Desparado” and CCR’s “Who’ll Stop the Rain?” It was a moment of transcendent surrealism. I was entranced.
  3. Bemused. How profoundly can one feel bemusement? Deeply bemused.
  4. Hello, Sephiroth999. Welcome to CB. Let me or one of the other mods know if you have any trouble navigating the site. Gearhead
  5. Granted! Not only is your office warmer, but much more humid. You are forced to abandon your current career and start raising orchids instead. You are allergic to orchids. I wish this bracelet wasn’t too big for me.
  6. Oh god no. I can barely imagine which bone I’d break first. I can roller skate either. I grew up on a gravel road. Not a surface friendly to small wheels. If you wear jewelry, what kind do you like best (earrings, necklaces, bracelets, rings)?
  7. I have. I’d rather play darts. How far away is the nearest park?
  8. (This is already true.)
  9. Haven’t we been over this, St. Vitus? Granted! You are now so hyperactive that you’re forced to build yourself a man-sized hamster wheel. You can barely be compelled to leave it. Eating and sleeping become irritating chores. You require intravenous fluids. Don’t get me started on the chamber pot. I wish that I could read faster.
  10. Granted! You tell him. There are no professional repercussions, because you delivered your feelings in the form of a beautifully composed sonnet. Beauty is recognized as truth. But now that people know you have the power to speak the truth so persuasively, you’re hounded night and day by every idiot who can’t figure out how to propose to his girlfriend, ask for a raise, talk to their kids about sex, or tell their parents they don’t want to go to college. They all want you to do it for them. I wish my white clothes would stay clean.
  11. Really curious about how I ripped that flap of skin off my toe without feeling it.
  12. Granted! But you have forgotten how to drive a car, or ride a bicycle. Strangely, you are also highly proficient at using a skateboard, but the roads near your home are all gravel, so it boots you nothing. I wish I knew what’s wrong with my ring finger.
  13. Granted! Your hands stop shaking. Unfortunately this leaves you unable to stir your food. Your manual dexterity is now exquisite. So much so that your hands have become snooty and refuse to accept mundane tasks. They nag you all the time because they want to learn how to repair automatic wristwatches. I wish I could sleep.
  14. I’d would also like to know how you’re doing. I miss you when you’re not around.
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