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About dpshaw

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  1. Hi, I'm in the midst of a manic episode and it is driving my wife crazy. We're already taking steps to set up family counseling to help us deal with this. In the meantime, does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to stop straining the relationship? I'm already doing my best to 'dial it back', but I'm not having that much success so far. Some of my symptoms are pressured speech, increased sexuality (in the form of seeking out other partners... we have an open relationship), going after other jobs, latching on to ideas and friggin' running with them at about 1000%, etc. As I recognize me doing things, I can kinda keep them in check, but I'm really looking for positive things I can do to show my wife I still love her and aren't trying to make her life hell, as well as ways to reduce the negative actions I've been taking. Fwiw, my doctor has ordered a lithium screen and reduced my anti-depressant.
  2. I started with AA a few months back. It works but you have to want to be there. PM me, if you'd like more information.
  3. I titled this in the third person but it is, in fact, about me. I keep flip-flopping about whether I want to recover or not. I stopped using drugs, which is obviously a good thing and a step in the right direction. However, I'm quite content, usually, to let my anorexia destroy me. Every so often, I come to my senses enough to get really scared about what is happening to me and to throw everything available to me into recovery. I just can't seem to sustain it. I'm fairly certain that I'm not in any immediate danger, but I'm definitely heading the wrong direction and worried that I may be getting close to a threshold that, once crossed, will be significantly harder to recover from. Anyway, that's my confession. Comments are welcome (or not... I really just wanted to get that off my chest).
  4. I recently started Suboxone for a substance abuse problem. Now, I've tried a bunch of different meds over the past several years with little to no effect on my mood. The Suboxone is different though. For the first time in decades, literally, I feel 'normal'. I've read up on it a little and it turns out there has been a little research on the subject and there is some evidence of it's efficacy as an AD. It's not typically used for that, though, because of the class of drug it is. In fact, unless the patient has a very liberal pdoc or a co-morbid opiate addiction, it's unlikely to be prescribed. That said, I fall pretty firmly in the latter category and, as a result, have wound up with it in my medicine cabinet. I was just curious if anyone out there has had experience with it and, if so, how does it fare as a long-term solution to depression?
  5. Well, the good news is that I scheduled another appointment with my tdoc for Tuesday (with one of the main topics to be what the hell I'm going to do to reconcile my problems eating with joining my family for Thanksgiving on Thursday). In all seriousness, she's scared for me. She flat out told me that she doesn't think I'm going to get better until I hit rock bottom and that she has no idea what that might look like. I've got an appointment with another doctor Monday where I plan to make arrangements to start on drug replacement therapy. If I can. I'm still struggling pretty hard to make myself do the things I know I need to do in order to get better. If I can get myself to start the drug replacement therapy, I've already got myself lined up to start an excellent IOP. I haven't eaten in four days and honestly don't know when I'm going to eat next. It's kind of weird. I know I need to eat something, I just can't find it within me to do so, so I just sort of watch myself and wonder "what next?". It's nuts. I mean, why am I like this? What is going on inside me that has turned my mind against itself and my body? I know that's more of a long term question and the more immediate concern is my physical safety, but if I don't figure out the answer, I'm going to continue in my cycle of self-destruction.
  6. I'm exhausted. I haven't eaten in quite some time and then I decided to stay up late last night to finish a book. Oops.
  7. My tdoc knows I'm struggling with this already and I'm sure it's frustrating her. I'll definitely be bringing it up again tonight.
  8. Rosie, you're right about my vested interest. I've just been very tired the last several months and the ill part of me is telling me to just let the anorexia run it's course and let the chips fall where they may. At times, it's scary and confusing. The healthy part of me wants to do the right thing, but it's influence is being slowly chipped away at. It's very hard to help myself sometimes. When the healthy part of me is 'in charge', I am very proactive about seeking treatment and seeing medical professionals. It's just that that part of me is 'in charge' less and less. Empty, I'm seeing my tdoc tonight. I don't know which side of me is going to show up right now. The ill part of me wants to stop treatment all together and is grasping at trivial excuses for doing so. More important, is an appointment I have on Monday with a doctor willing to put me on some drug replacement therapy, to get me detoxed, so I can start an IOP that would be very good for me right now. It's a no-brainer, right? Ha! If only it were that easy. I'm definitely keeping the appointment but, honestly, I'm scared to stop using right now. I guess I have a lot of soul-searching to do between now and Monday. It sounds like an exaggeration, but I know my life is at stake right now. I also know that it's my illness that is trying to keep me from getting help. I want to do the right thing... except when I don't.
  9. I'm currently active in my eating disorder and seeking treatment for it. However, I'm running into roadblocks and getting increasingly frustrated. Given the high mortality rate associated with anorexia, would you consider not continuing to seek treatment the moral equivalent of suicide?
  10. I've been IP too often already. Besides, from my experience, while it's an excellent way of dealing with acute suicidality, my thoughts and plans for dying are more of a chronic nature. If I wind up back in the hospital, I suspect it will be for much, much longer than my past visits. That's not to say it won't happen. I just don't have any immediate plans to admit myself.
  11. I was originally diagnosed with bipolar II and then had BPD added not too long after. There's always been a little uncertainty about which one played more of a role in my life, not that labels are super important. Last week, my pdoc told me in no uncertain terms that my main issue is the BPD, which I kinda already knew. I still don't know if I'm really bipolar. Maybe I never will.
  12. Thanks for your support. I am all over the place with how a feel. Most of the time, I've sort of accepted that I'm going to die but, every so often, the healthy side of me emerges, scared shitless, and keeps pushing me toward recovery. I know I'm very sick. I'm trying to do the right thing (sometimes). I'm just having a very hard time right now.
  13. My diseased mind wants me dead and it is well on it's way. I am starving myself, literally, to death and numbing the pain, as I do so, with [fill in the blank]. Part of me (a small part) wants to live and is making me keep my medical appointments (so far). For instance, I have an appointment with a substance abuse treatment center tomorrow and, as much as I want to cancel it, I'm still planning on going. I'm just tired and have given up and have made peace with the fact that I'm slowly killing myself, even as that small, healthy part of me desperately attempts to save me.
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