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About Ubeturass

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    Paralyzed blue mouse

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    Science, reading, knitting, hiking, camping, cooking, horror movies
  1. I absolutely refuse to call in sick no matter how shitty I feel. As a result I've gotten my stupid ass fired. So, yeah I definitely sabotage myself. I blew therapy off years ago...so I'd say you should probably go to therapy if you want to break the cycle.
  2. "The man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger followed"

  3. No but I have a least favorite - I grew up on military time and then used it for 8 years at my old job...I swear for like a good 2 years I'd look at the clock every day at exactly 1313 and feel like puking.
  4. I can find the number thirteen in every license plate I drive behind. Whether some digits or letters add up to it or there's an M on the plate or the actual number...it's always there.
  5. It doesn't sound like you are going to hurt yourself or someone else, but if you do feel like that's a possibility then you should just drop everything and go the hospital. So, what about trying to calm yourself down so you can think a little more clearly? Maybe do some yoga or deep breathing? Have some chamomile tea. Sit in a safe place with the lights on and just relax. If you can get your mind into a less upset state maybe you will be able to drift off to sleep...perhaps once you've gotten a good bit of sleep in you'll feel better?
  6. See? Look at all the friends you've got! And you like jiu-jitsu? Total bad ass!

  7. How about because I like you already? If there's one thing I know it's that anyone with a badass avatar like yours is good people.
  8. Really? Binge eating is more embarrassing to you than hurting yourself? Come on, like "regular" people sit on their couches and each a dozen donuts in one sitting...I've heard bitches talk about it standing around the water cooler. They say things like "no judgment" first. If you can cop to cutting you can definitely cop to binge eating.
  9. I don't think any of these things are real. I think the best and easiest solution for you right now is to print out your post above and show it to your doctor.
  10. Well, I suppose for me it's been sort of an evolution. I started hurting myself when I was very young. I would get so frustrated when I was trying to do something and it wouldn't work...have you ever played a video game and couldn't get past a certain point and it made you so mad that you would throw the controller? Well it was like that except that instead of throwing the controller I would scratch my face. From there, it sort of morphed into a punishment thing - I hurt myself when I was bad because my parents hurt me when I was bad. I have OCPD so I hold myself to impossibly high standards that I cannot possibly meet. And when I fail...which I will...I would punish myself. In high school it turned into this really scary trend thing - a lot of my friends were into burning themselves so they could have scars that looked cool, because they couldn't get tattoos. I generally took it too far and at one point my mother threatened to put me into the mental hospital she worked at (which I BELONGED IN!) but it was an idle threat that she couldn't bear to go through with because of the embarrassment it would cause for her. It wasn't until I got into college that I realized that hurting myself actually gave me some sort of release - but then having to hide the wounds and scars was constant fuel for me to feel ashamed of doing it. It was this really weird balance between that feeling of release and the feeling of shame - it was never really helpful at all but it had literally always been a part of my life. To me, I think it was always very much like self flagellation - you know, what certain very devout monks do to themselves to atone for their sins?
  11. I felt it. I live like 60 miles from the epicenter. It wasn't too bad, I didn't know it was an earthquake at first. I thought something nearby must have exploded at first but then the house kept on shaking...my daughter and I stood in a door frame. Nothing fell or anything but my ex-husband works quite close to the epicenter and they evacuated etc. he was pretty terrified - enough so that he told me that if rubble kills him he has always loved me...which is kinda weird since his new girlfriend is pregnant and he just moved in with her. But I digress.
  12. Ok - Like, I am probably the last person in the world to give advice about getting therapy but did you actually say the words "I am very afraid of people" to your pdoc? And they did not suggest therapy? You may want to see another pdoc. When I told my pdoc how I was feeling she immediately put me on cymbalta and gave me a referral and she said "Yeah, you're probably going to need therapy for the rest of your life". In hindsight - I was pretty gosh darn honest with her about all the crap I was feeling...so, if you haven't been honest with your doc yet - please give it a try! You don't have to be stuck under a blanket!
  13. No, never tried it. I've read about it, not sure i completely understand it. Do you do it just once or do you have to repeat it every so often?
  14. Yes, good distinction - I think that's really what I mean to say "mean people suck" I think I've had too many experiences with mean people to know the difference anymore...plus i'm in a bad place right now.
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