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About adianoeta

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    Adia Noeta

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    singing, writing

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  1. I have a tough time leaving the house ever since something traumatic happened seven years ago. I've tried committing to college classes and dropped out halfway through the semester twice consecutively, can't hold a job and consistently let people down by not showing up when I am expected. I simply don't make plans anymore and just try to get everything done on my good days. This does not fly with my pdoc. She's had the patience of a saint thus far. However, I missed my last appointment with her. I asked if she could call me during our session because I wasn't going to make it over there. I was so nervous, I hadn't eaten nor taken my meds and I had spent the entire day mentally psyching myself up to leave. I was in the midst of panic when it was time for me to go, feeling shaky and unstable and having to drive across town during rush hour. I didn't want to get behind the wheel. I called at this time and was told she would call back. She never did. I called the next day, and was told she won't be calling me back. I was able to reschedule an appointment a month in but no meds would be prescribed until then. It's frustrating on a personal level because I respect this doc and it hurts me to know I've let her down, as well as having another very good reason to be angry at myself for messing up. I'm wondering if this is her way of letting me go, as I have no other option but to get my meds from another doctor. I wrote her an email addressing all of this, and there was no response. I was asking for her forgiveness and I guess I'm not going to get that. Being an anxious person, I have a history of not showing. Her hands are somewhat tied-- if she can't see me, she can't treat me. I just wish she would give me three minutes of her time-- phone, email, anything. It would've been *superb* if she had called me during our scheduled session when I was having a panic attack. I am paying the full price plus a cancellation fee, (and maybe she's showing tough love or trying to prove a point) but it hurts that she chose to ignore me. This seems like a good board to ask if others have trouble keeping important appointments due to anxiety, particularly with pdocs because they are trained to understand the psychology of such behaviors. How have you or your docs handled this? I'm open to advice and experiences. Every time this happens, it's a mad rush to see my general doctor so he can supplement my meds. He could prescribe them long-term, (I think), but I love my pdoc. She's worth the money and the effort, but I'm afraid I'm more trouble than I'm worth to her. She used to communicate with me. Anyways, what do you think?
  2. I just want to scream from the rooftops, "How has no one diagnosed me with sexual masochism disorder?"

  3. Yeah... We should swap stories. One guy dropped a knife in my arm.
  4. @Sawi So far, no relapse. If I am good at anything, it's distracting myself. @crtclms Many would argue that piece of 'literature' romanticizes abuse and is not representative of the BDSM community. Yes, the sex was consensual. I romanticized rape myself from a young age. I do have a hard time seeing myself as a victim, and then people like yourself attach a stigma to me for being in the lifestyle when it all happened. I feel responsible for my choices, mostly because it's been deeply embedded since I was young. No charges have ever been brought, no reports filed. Many situations occurred as a consenting adult, others a consenting child, and I'm left to wonder if I ever really *had* a choice to begin with. I know some things were not my fault. I was misled, purposefully and maliciously. I've lost so much of myself. I am a hermit with no life now. I had dreams. And frankly, you should be more careful not to blame the victim-- you don't know my story. Not many do, because of this bullshit.
  5. I have just researched it like crazy since I responded, and I'm bringing this up to my pdoc.
  6. @divine "Bipolar Disorder Type 1, Sexual Masochism Disorder" Okay. My heart just stopped. How did you get that diagnosis? Is that an actual diagnosis that NO ONE had EVER presented as a possibility to me in all my years in the mental health industry? Please tell me if you just blew my mind by finally giving me a name for something that I formerly found indescribable. On what boards do you talk about this stuff? Can I message you?
  7. I'm not sure if I know how to express what my wants and needs are. I feel that I am the common denominator in the therapists that failed me. I honestly feel as if a domestic violence counselor would absolutely despise me, or at least think I'm a joke. In therapy, I ask questions about how to start living a 'normal' life. I know it is vague and I can't define what that is. I want to trust people. I want to trust myself again. I have little sense of time and soon I will be 31, and I wasn't ready to be 30. ITs like I'm stuck or traumatized and terrified to try to hold my own. IF I am no better by then, I will have to do something to shake things up. Suicide is not an option, but it's been almost seven years of me feeling helpless and I can't keep living like this. Suicide was never something I even talked about until lately. I Won't do it, but it scares me that I think about it. What I've been through has affected me detrimentally, whether or not I brought it upon myself. Everyone thinks I'm scum at this point. It does rub off.
  8. I'm just a lazy, entitled, spoiled, selfish little girl as far as they're concerned. What do I have to do to prove otherwise? Reading a previous post regarding being taken seriously (and doing something drastic just to prove it) really hit home with me. I'm sorry I'm preemptively responding as you are. If I sound hostile, it's not at all towards you.
  9. I don't think its the therapist, because no therapists help. I think they think I'm fine and just being a drama queen.
  10. Suicide by cop is still suicide... doesn't matter who pulled the trigger. I may have a personality disorder because I know how to get a man to want to hit me-- sensually, exploitively, or just goading a guy with a bad temper and pent up aggression. Other times, my own boundaries were violated. Everything about what I've done and what's been done to me is wrong and I want to stop for more than six months at a time. Because rationally, I should never do it again.
  11. I guess you are referring to another post where I state my experience with abuse in a BDSM context. I'm not an illogical person and I'm not blind to the fact that there are healthy relationships, and you are right in saying I do know more than anyone what my life has been like and therefore very aware of what abuse is, and what BDSM is not. I have stated sporadically for years on these boards that I have, for lack of a better term, an addiction to abuse. I don't represent the fetish community at all. While I agree BDSM and self harm are not very comparable, abuse and self harm have a lot in common. It is a release and an escape from my emotional pain and it is unhealthy, just as it is when done to one's self. I do not want to suffer another injury and I do not want to end up dead. This isn't a relationship thing. This is a problem that I have no diagnosis for. It's just frustrating because I can't go on Fet and get reamed, can't post it on FB or talk to family, my therapist can't help me with it and I'm not entirely sure where I can talk about this.
  12. @Weird So I've heard. I meant no disrespect to those who play SSC. I do compulsively seek a type of abuser, yes. It's strange how events shape my character without warning years later, all the while believing that holding in tears to drown out feelings would never overflow. Thank you for your sympathy and for not judging me on my silly mistakes. The film is just a film. It's the girls that are going to be smitten by it far too young, as I was. I know the freaks, so I'm scared for them. On the flip side I am tempted to join them.
  13. Just FYI, I am very much still alive! I've had one (horrible) relapse with another guy, and I would quite like to be done! I wrote about this (in relationships) but the one thing I feel worthy of mention is that I walked into the situation with open eyes and zero emotional attachment. I kept asking myself why I was with him at all. Maybe it was just something I needed to do to understand how sick and disgusting abuse really is. I had no delusions of this man, and I found him to be a very weak person. I got out as soon as I felt safe enough to do so, but not without consequence. I even had a pregnancy scare-- the thought of being connected to that creep for the rest of my life was enough to make me consider abortion. Fortunately, that was a choice I didn't have to make!
  14. Yeah, like right now. I am struggling internally and I'm tired of being hated for my lack of my motivation. Do we have to do something this stupid just to be taken seriously??
  15. I am doing my best to follow guidelines, but I was wondering why asking someone else to hurt me doesn't qualify as self injury. It doesn't matter who's holding the razor, does it? I asked him and everyone before him to hurt me, and I consider that self-destructive. I am refraining from all details so as not to trigger anyone. Before I asked someone else to hurt me, I would hurt myself. Maybe you guys see this as silly, me flitting around the boards and attempting to play the victim because I'm the fuckhead who keeps going back and then bitches about it like some kind of attention whore. I get that. I imagine many who self-harm are also unjustly seen as perpetual victims of themselves crying out for attention. I don't think I'm any different from you guys just because someone else did my dirty work for me.
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