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About fantod

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    the wrong kind of crazy

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    blanket fort

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  1. Feel like everything is sinking inward.  I have things to do.  Doing them seems futile. 

    1. Bad Haiku

      Bad Haiku

      It's worth it to do them, no matter what your head tells you.

    2. fantod


      One second at a time. 

  2. nope.

    1. fantod


      or mostly nope.

  3. Things would be much less stressful if I knew I had any kind of financial safety net, could afford all the mental health services and physical medical procedures I need, and could afford to relocate without being at someone else's mercy. It would be interesting to learn how much my mental health might improve in those circumstances.
  4. Crappy and tired and worried. Also, thwarted: I took my sleep meds and got ready to turn in, and found the cat sleeping in the exact middle of the bed using every blanket.
  5. I'm sorry you haven't gotten any responses yet, dances. I have found soulcysters.com to be a good resource. In the past they've had fairly active forums, though I haven't been in a couple of years, so take with grain of salt. People there were supportive and knowledgeable. Also hormonesmatter.com. https://www.hormonesmatter.com/search/pcos My case, if it even is one, is on the atypical end of things. Only one of about a dozen GPs has dxed me with PCOS. Literally I do have polycystic ovaries as my scans revealed many cysts but I always get my period, don't have especially heavy body hair growth or elevated androgens or blood sugar issues or most of the other common symptoms. There can be a lot of symptom overlap with depression and anxiety.
  6. here's to a better year than 2018.  somehow.

    1. yarnandcats


      *eyeballs 2019* hmm. it's looking more interesting, which might be a curse instead. ah, well.

  7. i'm sorry, crow66. wellbutrin is failing me all over the place too. 300 mg xl & it's like... i'm taking an antidepressant? could've fooled me. and the seroquel. fell asleep for a couple of hours, nightmares/intrusive shit woke me. insomnia now in the small hours and i will have to start what promises to be a very unpleasant day in 3 more hrs. rev up for the morning while desperately tired and fighting the sleep that i'm sure will try to take me down at dawn.
  8. can't balance seroquel with posting. or with life at all really.
  9. been feeling depressed and inarticulate; procrastinated myself out of making a couple of phone calls today. i practice-called and worked through the voice menus, so i know what to expect later "when" i complete the calls. sliver of credit to me for that, i guess. the midterm ballot for my region includes about 20 incumbent vs write-in candidates, about all of whom i know nothing. and am unlikely to be able to learn or retain anything by the time i will have to vote. i'm trying to work out how to ask the election office if failing to vote on these 20 would invalidate my entire ballot. while also trying not to despise myself for my ignorance and lack of involvement. no matter how important something is, i can find a way to fall short.
  10. confused, my skin crawled at your description of that DBSA facilitator. he does sound very inappropriate, gossipping, dxing, acting like he has answers for you(!). he's violating a lot of group rules. is there a way to lodge a complaint? i would guess that you are not the only one who feels uncomfortable or harmed by his behaviors there.
  11. demonstrably untrue, but i know the feeling. you matter, you are significant. try to go a little easier on yourself. wrestling with my own poison--my brain is not my friend, but i am going to try to take some care of the body, and not let the house of cards collapse too much more for time being. go get the mail, take a walk outside. see if the produce is still any good, and, if so, do something with it. i think i can. after a week of living off ensure and crackers b/c looking in the fridge felt too overwhelming.
  12. freaking seroquel. done for the night, i guess.
  13. ...not so much laundering today. i think i have enough left clean-ish to cobble some outfits until Thursday if absolutely desperate? will be into the apocalyptic underwear by then, though. got most of the dishes done! way to go, Raspberry, on the bed and washing! and Janet, on your laundry. i am dreaming of my future-home, in which i have my own never-malfunctioning laundry, in the kitchen, basement, or, dare i fantasize, a designated laundry-room with windows giving onto the garden where there are bird-feeders and veg- &-pollinator gardens and outdoor clothes-lines. mm-hm.
  14. heh. in my building, sure, the laundry is "vintage"! in the sense of beaten-up, harvest-gold top-loading washers from the 1970s. a number of which are out-of-order all. the. time. and there are "dryers" that do not merit the name, unless you spend the money and take up the time for 3 cycles. all enclosed in a windowless room too narrow to permit two humans to pass each other without touching. and, to top it off, even were they all in working order, which they never are, there were never enough of them to accommodate all the tenants. half the people here take their wash out to the laundromat b/c there are not enough on-site machines operational and available. it's laundry time for me again! and dish-washing time. the dishes are so much less of an anxiety nightmare.
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