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About khaleesi

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    Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and

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  1. Yes, this is my experience. I cannot stand it when I experience a normal human emotion (although I can only guess what that feels like because I've never been normal I think) and I get a look or get told to calm down or cheer up or whatever the other person decides I ought to be instead of what I am. I can't cry when my dog dies? I can't still have a tearful moment about the dog I loved more than most people a few weeks later? I can't dance like nobody's watching (even if they are) because I'm happy it's Friday afternoon and I've got nowhere to be on Saturday? As far as I understand it, normal/neuro-typical human emotion is a range. So why can't I have that too?? I feel like unless I'm Stepford-wife-esque or happy (but not too happy!) at all times, I get looks and comments. I hate it. Yes, I get it.
  2. "Just Give Me a Reason" by Pink and Nate Ruess k
  3. It depends on who is reading the paper. To the outside world, I've got my shit together. Stable career after getting my master's degree in my chosen field, marriage, kids, nice house (from the outside), nice cars, etc etc. But if you know me, you know I'm sitting in a cluttered, disorganized home. My moods are unpredictable and can vary wildly throughout any given day, but I've done a decent job of hiding it from the most of the world. I worry about the day that I'm no longer able to hide it. I do think there are cracks here and there that make people go "hmmmm" but so far it seems they chalk it up to a bad day or garden variety moodiness or time of the month or something. k
  4. I drive because I have to: I work and I have two kids who need to get to and from two different schools. My husband works 10 hour days so all the household errands are up to me as well. When I was younger, I had pretty bad road rage. Now after driving 20+ years, I am a much calmer driver. I have my moments, but I rarely if ever feel I have made a poor driving decision in many, many years. I think what helped settle me was when I had my daughter and started driving with a child in the car. But, I have held off on taking meds (ativan, seroquel) if I know I'll have to drive in the next 5-6 hours. That sucks. But I know I'm safer driving when I'm anxious vs DUI. Here's what scares me: my husband is a major gearhead. He recently bought me a new car, which is an incredibly powerful and fast car. That's my daily driver. Because it's a brand new car and because of the make and model, it's got every conceivable safety feature. But I'd rather not test that or cause an accident and hurt someone else who does not have those safety features in their car. The other cars I have as options are also very powerful, fast sports cars. I really can't answer how I manage it. I guess I just do. k
  5. Thanks for the replies. I do need to go back and review the distractions, and I've gotten complacent with DBT cards and skills. It's such a steep and slippery slope right back into old, destructive behaviors. I might try to write about it. Sometimes that actually makes it a little more painful for me. It's like writing it seals it into my head somehow. I'm such a visual person, and I can forever see those words on the paper in my head. On the other hand, writing IS often cathartic. I'm such a mess right now. I'm not sure which was is up. Luckily, I'm about to leave for work, so for the next 10 hours I will be distracted and unlikely to do anything. After work, there is the craziness of getting dinner into the kids, homework, bedtime, etc. It's those quiet time after kids and work that the world seems to crumble. That's so unfair! Finally getting some quiet time should be a time to relax. I need to go back to making a conscious effort for self care. I was never very good at that. Thanks again for hearing me and letting me "talk" here. I tried to talk a little to my mom about my feelings, and let's just say that her reaction was less than helpful.
  6. I'm still newish so I'm not sure I'm supposed to put a warning somewhere in case this is triggery for someone else. Just let me know and I'll fix it however it's supposed to be fixed. But dammit I have to keep typing to keep my hands busy. The last time hurt myself, it required medical attention. I've been clean for almost exactly 17 months and I don't see how I'll make it to 18 at this point. There is so much going on and I'm so stressed. The final two straws: someone I thought was a close friend and confidant bit my head off on Friday. Cruelly. Went after what she knows to be an absolutely and intensely sensitive subject for me. She apologized via a two sentence text the next day, but the damage is done and her words still echo in my head. She is the mother of my daughter's best friend and we move in the same social circles, so it's not like I can avoid her now. Worse, I'll have to play nice and smooth it over. Let it go. Yeah right. Earlier that day, something awful happened at work. Two people did something so disrespectful and condescending to me in a hugely public way, and I didn't find out until afterwards and had no chance to defend myself. What they did is entered into a permanent file that cannot be erased or amended in any way. I work for an enormous company and so at least 40-50 other people saw what they did. Sorry to be so vague but I have to be. Okay, so here's the triggery stuff. My form of self injury is generally burning. The last time I did it, I burned myself very badly on my forearm. I had to go to the urgent care and have medical follow up due to the size of the burn. Shortly afterwards, I ended up in IOP and then took a long term DBT class with follow up weekly group meetings. I haven't hurt myself since. One week ago, I had to have a skin tag near my eye removed. Due to the location (pretty much right on the lash line on my eyelid near the outside corner of my eye), it had to be burned off. The doc felt that was safer than trying to cut it off. I didn't even think about it when she mentioned she'd burn it off. Didn't even make the connection that could possibly trigger me. That's how long it's been for me. She burned it off and holy hell it hurt. Both eyes got so watery and I had tears coming from both eyes uncontrollably. Just when I thought she was done, she'd dip the q-tip back into the nitrous (I'm assuming that's what was in that cup) and go back for more. I was screaming in my head for her to stop. All damn day, that eye hurt and my eyes watered. That night when I washed my face, that corner of my eye was so raw and painful. The next morning, too. But then I noticed it didn't really hurt that much any more. No stinging or burning, just sort of tender if I poked at my face at that spot. And my addled little brain decided that it missed the pain. That the pain was good. Something in my head was telling me this: pain is good. You could do that for yourself just as easily. You could burn yourself and be just as happy. Don't you miss that? See how much you've missed?? And then the other part of my head would argue back: shut up you idiot. That hurt, and bad. Not good; BAD! No more scars. Don't reset the clock from 17 months. You don't really want to do this. I don't really have a point or question. I just don't know where to go and have no one to talk to and the buzzing in my head is so loud and intense and my anxiety level is sky high and I am still in this effing mixed state and I need a release. I had that skin tag burned off a week ago and I was already under so much stress and then all hell rained down on me on Friday and now I can't stop thinking about burning. I want to cry, but I can't do that either.
  7. Right now I work 24 hours a week outside the home and stay home with my little ones on the other days. Lots of times, I have no freakin idea how I survived the day. Work sometimes is easier because there is a well defined start and stop time. But then again, my line of work involves making life changing decisions for other people. Can't exactly do that on auto pilot, which makes things that much harder. When I landed in IOP, the MSW who did my intake thought it was best that I keep going to work. I was incredulous. I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown, begging them to hospitalize me, terrified to leave their offices because of what I thought I'd do to myself - and instead, they handed me a bottle of seroquel, told me to show up the next day for IOP, but told me I should keep working and just miss those days of IOP. I don't know how I did it. And it also scares the shit out of me: how do you get a pdoc to take you off work when things are that bad?? It was literally nearly life and death for me, I was in their office crying and shaking and not speaking coherently, and I got sent back to work! Our finances dictate that I will need to begin working full time in the next year. I get a visceral reaction just thinking about it. I'm shaking as I type that. I feel like it's the beginning of the end for me. And I just hope that when I finally do lose it, I don't destroy my reputation with it. I hope I don't breakdown at work or make a decision that lands me in court. I just know that I cannot handle 40 hours a week. 24 hours a week is really hard for me. After that 3rd day, I feel post-ictal. I didn't really answer the question. I know what makes me feel like I'm doing a shitty job at work: rapid cycling, inability to concentrate, inability to remember what I've just read no matter how many times I read it, losing my train of thought mid-sentence, word finding difficulties. I used to love what I do. Now I just don't care. Breaks my heart. k
  8. Khaleesi is The Mother of Dragons in Game of Thrones (books which are now a series on HBO). She's just so cool, and when she's down, she seems to be able to summon some sort of inner strength to lift herself back up. I'd like to be like that. Plus, it'd be really cool to have dragons.
  9. It depends on context. Although, even when people are seemingly joking or being lighthearted, I do feel a little twinge of something... anger? embarrassment? Not sure. I'm sort of paranoid though. Trust issues and all that. I don't believe things are ever what they seem on the surface; it's hard for to believe there isn't always an ulterior motive to the things people say and do.
  10. I would travel and stay at luxury resorts that offer private yoga and massages and other good stuff like that. When I was not traveling, I'd ride horses and hire someone to teach me how to play tennis (I've always wanted to learn). Also, as long as all expenses were paid... I'd shop like crrrraazzzzy. Shoes, shoes, purses, and shoes!! And throw some jewelry in there for good measure!
  11. -manage time better -motivate myself -sew -juggle a soccer ball with my feet -ride a hunter/jumper (horse) -assert myself -woodwork -complete simple home renovations -rule the world ;-)
  12. khaleesi

    the alphabet game

    My name is Michael and I'm going to Memphis to dance the mambo
  13. Yep. And body oil, too. Favorite or dream car?
  14. mid 60s. What is the most annoying sound you can think of?
  15. Busted! True! The person below me hates to vacuum.
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