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Everything posted by GonnaLaugh

  1. good topic. The first therapist/counselor I ever saw probably saved my life as I was rather suicidal. But I think she also knew that I could be scared off pretty easily, so she managed to keep me coming back every week and I was pouring it all out. That was 30 years ago. I have since seen a parade of people, you know, after moving, changing jobs, having different needs. The worst ones are the ones who seem bored or who seem to have some other primary job and the therapy thing is their side job. The most recent one I saw was super nice. She's a little bit younger than me, but reminds me of like a nice babysitter or that girl you knew in high school who you felt you could tell her anything and she wouldn't spread it around. She really did help me with one of my "issues" surrounding a traumatic event. Other therapists had me so confused on the issue... she made it a very black and white issue of what was right and wrong and I feel so much better... I have to remind myself of what she said. I am taking a break right now from therapy, just taking my medications and trying to work through things in a reasonable manner.
  2. I've never really thought of it as a coping mechanism. I think of it as a way to entertain myself when I'm bored, such as when listening to a speaker. There's nothing wrong with picturing yourself being in a better place.
  3. Hi Lisa, some of the churches have newcomers groups where they explain what it's all about and it's a great way to meet people one on one. Then they may recognize you at the next service and be friendly and you will feel more at ease. I went to an Episcopal church for several months in my area, it was a new denomination for me. I have tried several "brands" of churches after being raised Catholic and Fundie. The people were extremely friendly at the Episcopal church and I still am in contact a little bit with a couple of people from there, even though I stopped going. I still think of going back. I have become the type of person who only goes to church on Easter and Christmas, though I do sprinkle in some odd things here and there. One time I just randomly picked a church on Christmas Eve and went there because it seemed to be the only one having a true midnight mass/service and I had just gotten off work. People are almost always glad to see a new face
  4. the snow that was melting stopped melting and the rainy shit that was falling froze into ice and it was kind of slippery walking to my truck and pulling out of the parking lot.
  5. Thank you Melisssaw and others who responded to me in August. I have been doing OK. Just came to crazyboards tonite for a little perspective. I had been kind of overly focused on some negative stuff and couldn't figure out why. This is distracting me well enough.
  6. Feeling stupid. I keep day dreaming that I have another life. Not going to happen.
  7. Hi Asho and Melissa, I did go back to taking my dose of 30 mg and that ended the feelings of irritation and dizziness. I was able to go out Friday night and participate in life somewhat and spent time with my partner. I ended up sleeping a lot on the weekend because I had to take some benadryl after getting stung a few times by bees. I am back to my usual pleasant self. Ha ha. As usual, no big plans and the ever-present vague feeling that life is passing me by. My p-doc has asked before about whether I would be going back to counseling. I again feel like that is a dead end. I am afraid to mess around with medications because I have immune system problems and seem to have a few weird drug allergies. I don't know. I had some devastating things happen during the ages of like 10 to 17 and just never really get over it, I guess. Now I feel this late middle age dread of getting older or dying or whatever... I hate feeling that nobody/nothing can really help me and that I can't really help myself or truly change.
  8. Haven't visited this site in a while usually only do when life is sucking ass. Well, I have been back on Lexapro for a year or two (30 mg). Had been on Zoloft for a couple of years before that and over the decades on and off stuff. Lately I was thinking that I have been too blah blah blunted, and the p-doc and I decided maybe I could go down to 20 mg and see what happens, that was a week and a half ago. Jesus h christ I am losing my mind. Feel very irritable and dizzy and spacey. So tonight went back to my 30 mgs. I just wanted to feel my feelings and see what I was really thinking. And I did and it was all shit. The worst thing was I kept wondering why "nobody" likes me at work. I was pissed I wasn't nominated by my colleagues to be on this rather low level panel. I kept thinking, they must not like me. I really don't get it. When I take the medicine I don't ruminate like that and have the accompanying urge to scream at people But really, all I am doing normally to fill the emptiness in my life is watch Netflix and talk to strangers on Facebook about cats. So big deal I take my medicine and then I don't feel like screaming at people when they leave me out of things? (All right, I guess I just figured out why they don't want to be cooped up in a conference room with me). Regardless of whether I take medicine I am left out. I guess what I am saying is that I am either depressed but somewhat pleasant and agreeable or I am depressed and pissy and very unregulated. Either way, still depressed, though I guess the former is more conducive to life. Anyhoo, I do agree with you, this summer has been terrible. I've been staying indoors doing housework. Pathetic! Have a nice weekend!!
  9. This website is very educational, by the way. The pdoc office started giving us more detailed receipts, and I updated my cb signature with the info. But I had to find out what the anxious distress thing meant and found the answer on cb. Muchas gracias.
  10. I live with a lot of inflammation and nobody has ever said anything about my oxygen levels. I am quite alive. Try breathing exercises, like in yoga
  11. I go to 12 step groups for my codependency and enabling behaviors. I no longer drink but used to imbibe quite a bit, that was one of my main ways of socializing. A lot of dumb and bad things happened as I really do not handle booze too well. Tried the illegal stuff, realized after a while it was not for me. Mostly everyone I have dated was an addict/alcoholic. I suck at life
  12. saintalto, my spouse and I have been together a very long time. One time we did couples counseling, it helped. Right now she is working on her issues (as am I), and I think it will help a lot. Before she wasn't too willing to try. I am very codependent and enabling ... I sort of need to get out there and be me ...
  13. Thank God for cat videos, and cats in general, I guess. In general, I laugh a lot less than I used to. Everybody in my dept. at work is so fucking cranky. I still find the humor though, just not with the same people
  14. well, I keep trying, but then a lot of times I don't. I am thinking of trying yet another church, this one based on the activities and subgroups it has. I keep thinking fondly of this one church I went to, they were so effing nice and the social hour was amazing. Didn't really care for the church part, though...
  15. I am taking meds for depression but I don't really feel depressed. Have very few close relationships in life, but the ones I do have (with mom and my wife) are very stressful. I was taking some online quizzes and I don't show up as depressed or anxious but do score as very lonely. Which I am. No actual friends anymore, just coworkers, acquaintances and relatives I hardly ever see. I sometimes do things where I could meet people, like go to church type things, 12 step groups, meetups, but I tend to bolt for the door when things are over. I just would like a pal to do occasional things with. i volunteer at an animal shelter sometimes, and that is cool because I can talk to the animals. Talking to people makes me extremely uncomfortable and I feel I am not good at it. I don't want them to know what an idiot I am. What can I do? I make starts but can't folow through.
  16. That's weird. I wouldn't like that either. Most places I have gone to were very nondescript, and nobody from the street would ever notice. Maybe you could write a letter to the leader of the agency or to the government board that funds it. Even if it was anonymous (unsigned letter), it might get them thinking.
  17. my spouse seems to be the only person who ''gets'' me and can put up with me. Sometimes I can't stand her though and wish I was all alone. I seem to have grown apart from the few people in my life. I feel like I could disappear and nobody would notice. I look at facebook every day but hardly ever say anything because I feel I have nothing to add
  18. Lisa, I startesd volunteer work, and it hasn't led me to making new friemds. It does give more to talk about with people I already knpw, like folks at work and my relatives. Sounds like you really only tried to start conversations twice. Keep trying, and maybe add a new group to your routine. I help an animal shelter and while most of the regular volunteers are older, there are all ages, from kids to college age and up.
  19. Yes, and it's I think something Hopeless made up. There is a reference to wanting to become happy, which I find odd. My two cents on all of this is that the medication keeps me in check. I was getting kind of low today after yet another annoying interaction with my dysfunctional mother. I did have some really dark thoughts, but they went away and I went on with my day. For me that's the magic, I don't get pulled down and kept down by dark thoughts.
  20. I did some gun play when I was 12, 13, 14 or 15, not sure when it was. That was different from the "i want to die" sort of pleading that was going on in my mind when I felt alone and friendless... Not sure how significant any of that is since I never did make a suicide attempt and I am now pretty old (in my early 50s), so I guess suicide wasn't my thing. Quite sure I was pretty depressed/disordered or something though even before puberty. I took an online quiz a few weeks ago that said I could be BP, but have never, ever had a counselor say that to me and I never have thought that about myself either.
  21. interesting, melissa -- sounds like your old pdoc had his own way of doing things. the last counselor I saw told me enough about herself that I knew a little about her neighborhood and some of her interests. She had had a childhood experience kind of like mine, so it was helpful that she told me that. She did not belabor the point, so it wasn't like she was taking time away from me. I think she did try to put up a boundary -- I tend to joke around and kid a lot with people, even (especially) authority figures and I think she made it clear one time I wasn't going to be getting away with that with her. It kind of threw me off. I did ask her something which probably was none of my business. She had mentioned a church in the area and I thought, oh shit, I sometimes go there and I DON'T want to run into her there. So I asked her if she was still going -- I didn't tell her why I was asking -- and I was relieved to know she no longer goes there. Ha! It's a small world, and I do think it's weird to run into "my" mental health professionals at the mall or whatever. This has happened to me twice and it makes me very uncomfortable. I guess it's like when you were a kid and would see your teacher out somewhere. You feel like you have to act differently all of a sudden and you wonder what to say... With the pdoc/tdoc whatever, there's that added thing of they KNOW you are a crazy person! And there you are on the loose.
  22. jonagelle's sentences sound like spam to me. I am not familiar with there being a particular age for onset of depression as bluelikejazz mentions. I was always a weird kid with a ton of anxiety around people. Even before my dad died when I was 11, I was starting to show signs of depression, I think. Then after he died and my mother got remarried and I was being abused, I started feeling suicidal at age 12. I dunno, is that depression? Or just grief and a reaction to my circumstances? With the type of family I had, people didn't go to psychiatrists and such. One time my mother mentioned taking me to a "doctor" when I was a kid, but it was more like a threat, not a statement of concern. So I learned that I had to hide how I was feeling (though sometimes I couldn't hide it)
  23. regarding your subject line: you don't look crazy. Funny (not really) but I was visiting someone at the psychiatric ward last month and having never been a patient myself I was expecting people in there to look well, mad as a hatter. To my relief, they didn't. To me, they looked pretty normal! There was one lady, she did seem really out of it, but as the days wore on, she seemed to get a lot better (which is great). Good luck
  24. I have some outward signs of success but also a lot of things suck, I just really try to hide them. I have not stayed in touch with high school friends and college pals, not that I had very many anyway. It makes me sad that some of the people I thought would be really successful turned out to be fuck-ups even though they have advanced degrees, etc. etc. (fuck-ups as in well-publicized legal/ethical problems) I know about this from google, which I do rather obsessively check rather than talk to people or connect with them on facebook. I even see from my googling that some of my former classmates have died -- cancer, heart attack and god knows what else. So anyhoo, to answer the original question: Successful people do not get on my nerves. I am happy for them if they have a nice life and good health.
  25. There was a British comedy a few years ago called "Beautiful People" which I LOVED and thought it was the funniest show ever. Saw it on Logo here in the U.S. Am also a longtime fan of "Absolutely Fabulous," which isn't strictly LGBT although it did have some minor gay characters. There also used to be on Logo a cute lesbian comedy from Canada called "Exes and Ohs," really enjoyed that one. But lately nothing much on Logo that catches my fancy. Golden Girls? really?!! I am showing my age, but I saw Desert Hearts when it first came out (!) and thought it was wonderful because of the hot love scenes and the pretty ladies. Also read the book afterward. I used to go see all of the GLBT movies that were made in the 80s and 90s. Maybe it's because I now live in a smaller city, but it seems to me like the type of indie, fun/sweet GLBT movies I used to enjoy watching are not being made anymore.
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