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sonicwhite

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Everything posted by sonicwhite

  1. I was forced CT klonopin seven years. Three mg a day. Had two grand mal seizures. Fired the docs after being psychotic for three months. Got back on it and weaned almost a year. Docs will not prescribe it to me for any reason. So I suffer w only gabapentin to take, ive almost got to the point of ending it all I can’t function.
  2. Guys from what I’m going thru I don’t think the Zyprexa is helping. Ive made many mistakes over the years. I’ve done things that have hurt myself and others. Right now now when I think about what I’ve gotten into I think that the cops I just trying to bust me. Even tho what I am doing is legal. I keep thinking that they are just trying to bust me. Its what haplened to me in 05. I started noticing coincidence and here I am today fearful I’m going to crack. I don’t want to lose it like I did in 05. I walked all around okc and I don’t want to go thru that again.
  3. Yes, meth, not methadone. Anyways I didn’t take anything that would yield a false positive. I think they just said that to see to see if I was abusing meth, cuz when u talked to them I told them my drug history. I was trying to be honest, I hate it when I’m honest cuz I always get myself in trouble. I didnt gave a problem taking the test the test and when they said I had meth in my system I just said fine do what you want.
  4. Ok, I ditched my doc. I was going to go through my PCP. I saw them them and they wanted a drug test, I complied. I didn’t have any thing to hide. I get called in to take another one. They told me the last one leaked on the way there. I gave them them another one. Today I was told meth was in my system both times. I havent done meth since 2015. So so I know they’re lying. So they told told me I have to see a psych doc instead because I failed two drug tests. I think they're just saying that so I get out of their hair.
  5. I don’t take benzos anymore. Was on klonopin 7 years. Valium and Xanax one year. Im thankful I got off of them and I’m out of the hard part. Im not bashing benzo last. They are really good as needed but everyday if you ever run into the problem I did be prepared to be in Dante’s Inferno!
  6. Ever since I change AP’s I’ve had a runny nose. I looked up zyprexa side effects and runny nose is one of them. Any one else have this side effect?
  7. It’s surprising w all the regulations that he is willing to let you stay on Valium. But, good thinking on your part, withdrawal is so bad on benzos.
  8. I can take lyrica and it smooths everything out. I take the free floating anxiety away. Im moving to Virginia. When I see the doc I’m going to tell them what works. I hope also they will have compassion when it comes to s benzo. My gf is going to dole out my meds. She’s my gatekeeper.
  9. The more I talk to my gf the more I feel we’re def soulmates. I waited twelve years and almost almost another two. I’m so thankful I waited.
  10. Guys I don’t know what’s happening to me. To everyone voice changing to not being able to see any hope in life. Ive never got to the point where I think about death but I’m in a place of fantizing about suicide. I look back at all that happened to me. My anxiety is so bad that I have this unrelenting depression. I keep laying in bed in bed thinking about death. Even as a Christian I don’t care. I’ve ran into too many doctors who only care about their license over the patient. I think even if I was given a benzo I wouldn’t care. My depression is so bad I see no hope in anything.
  11. There are many here who say a psychosis isn’t traumatic. Well look, while I was having this episode I was in jail. I was abandoned. I was severely beat up. I get out and think my ex was going to be eaten up at any moment. While in jail u was scared to leave my cell because I thought I was going to be raped. I thought cannibals and zombies where everywhere eating a chopping ppl up. Today i sometimes go into derealization where I think I’m back in that place. I start to think my roommates are just wanting to rape me. When i was yanked off of three mg of klonopin in TN I thought my dad was some demon waiting to rape me. When im under a lot of stress I notice my PTSD. Starts to go haywire. Folks i was in jail going thru what I thought was hell. I thought I had died and that was my punishment.
  12. I’m on five weeks of ten mg of Zyprexa. The doc last week upped it to 15 but I haven’t been able to get to the pharmacy and get it. I’ve notice a great reduction in anxiety tho. My nightmares have dumbed down considerably also. Anyone have success with zyprexa?
  13. Ok, last fall I was doing ok. I was mainly concerned about getting my next gabapentin fix. I told tge docs my abuse trying to relieve my conscience. I was struggling very badly. In October of last year I bought a RC. If was a powerful benzo. I used it until my gf told me to throw it away. I had had blacked out and took a heavy dose of norco. When it wore off off a couple days after I was watching some testimonies of dying and going to heaven. I started to think i was actually dead. Standing before God. I would get on my knees and then think I was going to hell but nothing happened. After a couple days I felt like something was telling me to flush my meds. So I did. When I wasn’t on anything I started to get very delusional. Instead of being pumped with fear I thought I had died and this was heaven. I finally went into the psych ward and got back on Zyprexa. About a month I started to realize I wasn’t dead but not fully out of the episode. Today here I am thinking that Jesus is secretly gathering His elect and going to rapture all His. Im terrified of being left behind. I don’t hear messages from the TV but when I stop to hear what it says whatever word I hear I try to apply it to whatever I’m going thru. Im religiously reading the Bible, mostly the end times stuff. I feel so bad when I sin. I dont don’t know if the RC benzo triggered a psychosis but at the same time I cold turkeyed Kratom so that maybe the reason I stayed up for three weeks. I hops folks i didnt didn’t fry my brain completely. Isont hear voices outside ur side my head. I only hear my own conscience. That inner voice we all have. I’ll talk to myself believing it’s God and tell myself I’m fine and I’m on Earth. I don’t know folks. When I first gave my life to Jesus I was in the middle of being psychotic. I never went in for the help I needed so I let it drag on for awhile.
  14. I chose to walk by faith when I got saved in 06. I remember my ultimate desire was to be with my ex. From May of 06 to 08 I tried to walk by faith and believe that God would bring me and her together. What i I didn’t take into account was how she felt. In May of 08 I decided it wasn’t going to happen. Sometime in 09 I found her on MySpace and all I wanted to do was apologize for what we both went thru. From then on i waited and decided I’ll walk with my heart by faith. In 2017 I asked God do You want me to be alone. That same day I got on Christianforums.com and met who I want to Marry. She lives in Virginia and I in Oklahoma. I’m going to visit her in the Spring and I may decide if I stay. Shes so so special to me. I will tell anyone here who is a Born Again Christian that the Almighty will bless you with someone if you wait for Him to make it come about.
  15. In 05 I was beat up pretty badly. I was raped by two guards. I was traumatized and neglected in a jail while my marbles were lost. I was cheated on. Humiliated by my ex. Her ultimate goal was to make me jealous. I was abandoned by everyone. Yet despite all that was done to me. I forgive them all and wish for them to have a relationship with the Lord. I truly do believe that love love is the only way. I turned it into a opportunity to learn rather then a time to fester my wounds and never get better. Is there still some vindication I want? Sure! But I look at my life being lost and I can never forget what it was like to be lost then found.
  16. So many of you know my story. My psychosis in 05. What I endured for seven months and how it all happen. In 05 after the psychotic break I still used many drugs until May of 06. I finally started to think more clearly after I had given it all up. One thing tho even tho I was functioning and working I thought God was telling me me and my ex would get back together and that I was going to be a world famous preacher. Well until 2008 I believed this delusion until someone pointed out that I was sick. In 08 I decided to get help. When the risperdal kicked in it took away the voices I was having but I had to work on and realize the delusions where not real. In thr the summer of 08 I thought I was at Gods Judgment after I smoke a little weed. From there the only thing that took that fear away was klonopin. From 2010 to 2017 I was ok. Functioning and yes I was abusing my gabapentin a lot. In 2018 when I was yanked off the benzo the thoughts I was at Gods Judgment was there again. I can telll I’m slipping back into another massive psychosis because I’m isolating myself. I’m started to hear vpices. I keep thinking I’m dead. All of this is very hard to cope with. I’m on zyprexa but is taking a while to work. I just don’t want to slip into that state of total madness and never come back.
  17. In 2017 I was yanked off three mg a day kpin. I fired the docs and got back on the script I had from the previous doc and weaned myself from that summer to March of 2018. It was a lot easier given that fact I went thru hell for three months off such a high dose. Ive been clean since April of last year and hardly even think about it anymore. Yes I have anxiety but I never want to run into that situation where I have no control and have to come off of it again. It can can be done I promise you.
  18. In 08 it was clearly pedophilia OCD. Yes the cannabis made me lose it but after that I ceased smoking it and it started to latch onto thinking I was dead. The the main reason I say it’s OCD because of the excruciating amount of anxiety. I can’t read the Bible cause any scripture in it will trigger me. Even John 3:16. For God so loved the world nada nada you get the picture. Others with other scruples thought have a hard time thinking they’ve blasphemed the Holy Ghost. Every doc ive seen doesn’t even know there is something called Pure O. Benzos are not the answer tho. I will never go thru that torcher of withdrawals again. Yes they are powerful and effective but they numb you to where you feel nothing and if you ever run into the situation of being taken off be ready for Dante’s inferno.
  19. It’s so hard to find a doc willing to write benzos for someone like me. I tell them my history w drugs because I believe the truth will set you free. Maybe im setting myself up for failure cuz I don’t lie. Gearhead sometimes i cant even function enough to get out of bed. My health is truly failing me, I’ve spent the last ten years in a deep hole of despair. I cant stand Christians saying I need more faith or that I’ve got some hidden sin in my life or I need to read the Word because that will help. Not understanding thag i suffer at the hands of these devasting illnesses.
  20. In 08 I was dealing with a lot. I was having a hard time where I was living. I just quit my job. The obsessive thoughts of POCD WHERE REALLY frightening and terrible. Out of a desperate try to get rid of what I was going through I decided to smoke some weed. I took one hit hit and was thinking I was actually dead. I thought nobody in my life was real and that I lost my salvation. The delusion wore wore off only to return the next day without smoking. The POCD thoughts completely vanished as I was consumed by the thoughts that I was dead. Doctors didnt know what qas up. They started throwing AD and AP at me. Nothing was working until I tried klonopin. From there the massive anxiety and delusions left on a left as soon as the pill hit. In 2010 I found a doc willing to write klonopin for me. From 2010 to 2017 I was fine, I was depressed but fine. In 2017 I was yanked off of three mg a day. Everydau day was a battle for my sanity. I fired my docs got back on the script and weaned myself off. It’s been months since I’ve had benzos and I enjoy the fact I’m living without them but when the flashbacks happen I start to freeze up. A cool breeze comes over me. My heart starts beating sand I think I’m dead standing before God. There are many accounts of ppl losing it after smoking weed. Has anyone here lost it permently and sufferedat the hands of this powerful drug? https://spiceaddictionsupport.org/i-felt-like-i-was-dying-and-like-would-never-see-my-family-again-ank/
  21. Anyone have this experience or something like it?
  22. Ok so many of you know that when I posted on the religious forum how happy I was. Well long story short I stopped all my meds which was risperdal 6 Remeron 45 Zyprexa 5 and clonidine. I felt felt like something was telling me to stop them. I was getting more and more psychotic by the day. I remember how happy I was. I started to feel joy and emotion again. I was texting my gf all the time about how happy I was. I would step step outside and feel and see the sun and would say this is heaven I can see Gods Glory light up everything. My roommate had dug a hole in the yard a few years ago for a pond and there is water in it and i was thinking that was hell and I could see it from heaven. I finally went to impatient and we started the Zyprexa again. just recently I stopped hearing the messengers from the TV and I stopped believing in the delusions but folks this isn’t fun anymore. i has zero anxiety while I was like that. Granted I didn’t sleep for three weeks straight but I was withdraw from a heavy amount of Kratom. i can kinda see why ppl with a psychotic disorder Don’t want to take there meds. Now I’m back in this boring world suffering. can someone explain how these things work because I haven’t really been like this before but I would love to go back there.
  23. Ok, I was doing completely fine well not completely fine from 06 to 08. I remember in 06 after my psychosis I would smoke weed and it would throw me into a mini derealization episode. I would think that that I was in heaven and stuff like that. Very freaky stuff. In 06 I also gave my life to Jesus. I stopped all drugs but my roommate would still smoke weed thus tempting me when I started to get anxious. I was fine for the the most part enjoying my new found relationship with Jesus. But when I would smoke I would be in a totally different world. Sometimes I would think that really this world was Satan’s and that he was just wanting us to suffer. But as as soon as the high would go away I would come back to reality but would be left with anxiety for a few days. One time right right before I quit my job I smoked and I thought I was dead and that I had no hope of going to heaven. I snapped out of it and was ok until May 08 when I started to have POCD. I was very disturbed by the intrusive thoughts I was having so I smoked weed and bam! I thought I was dead and my OCD has latched unto this theme ever since. I cant read the Word without it triggering me. Sometimes I can go months without this but if my anxiety is bothering me I can easily get triggered. Now now when I do have these spikes or flashback I think I’m dead and the hot flashes I have are hell. The anxiety just tells me that this is my suffering. Now my trauma trauma from the past always haunts me. I can’t seem to get over whatever this is and my head goes around and round of what it is.
  24. Well I the doc never gets into it with me. I’ve never had a psych doc really dig down of what I deal with. I am dx PTSD and OCD. In 08 I had Pure O obsessions that I was a pedo. And one day I smoke a bowl of weed and I spiked and thought I was dead and at Gods Judgment. From there I have struggle with this Thorn. When I got on klonopin in 2010 the thoughts went to background noise. Ive only come to understand the derealization when I have this spike or flashback. when I see my new doctor I’m going to make sure they hear it from my own mouth of all that I suffer.
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