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Everything posted by sonicwhite

  1. I’m transitioning from a old untrained DO to a MD. It’s not that I don’t like her. It’s a community center that doesn’t give benzos and stuff like that. I’m actually next month going to OU Hospital to see a new doc. I’m going to have all my record from Hennessee Associates to my new doc. My doc passed away in 2015. And things went down hill from there. I no longer do drugs anymore. I stopped them in 06. This is more bloggish JT. But what I was getting at is what has triggered me. So i get it out so I go get this poison out of my heart. It hurts so bad that my heart drops at least a couple hundred times a day. No no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I was given yall a run down on what i I deal with. If i if I could pick the dreams or flashbacks I would pick Heaven.. I don’t want this terrible thorn in my flesh. Unfortunately fortunately it keeps me humble.
  2. When in 05 I thought I gave my ex HIV. I called 911, I walked around OKC contemplating suicide. I walked like twenty miles. Before this happened me and my and my roommate where driving to a place to go see the results of a blood test. I was doing pure ice everyday. When i got to where we where going I was getting my blood pressure checked. My heart was beating so fast that she had to walk out of the room and go get someone. From there I was so paranoid that I walked out without getting the results. My roommate had to go to a dental place up the road and that’s when I started walking around OKC. By this this time the psychosis is starting. I hear my ex screams. I start to walk around OKC. I walked at least twenty miles in no certain direction. Finally I got to the clubs I was working at. From there someone picks me up. When we went to his apartment and there was a pay phone. I called 911. The person that picked up on the other line was a K9 officer that I stole cocaine from in 04 that was to train his dog. When the cops came they were all wearing gloves. The officer asked me if I had done any drugs. I told him yes and that I gave my ex HIV. BTW. I don’t have HIV. I asked him if he could take me to a hospital. He did. When I got there they took me to a room and as I was waiting I was too afraid to get the blood test. So I walked out into the lobby. I could hear the TV. It was telling me I was about to die. From there the officer that patrolled the hospital told me to calm to calm down and leave or I’m going to jail. After making a scene in the hospital I was taken to jail on a bench warrant. From there I go to the very top floor where murderers are. The second day I was there I see this guard and I write on a piece of paper that I gave 3 women HIV. By this time my mind was losing it so bad that it was drifting into relationships I had years before my ex. I give him the piece of paper signed by me to say here ya go. I’m ready to be executed. i get out after 5 to 7 days and go back to the club cuz my roommate came and picked me up. I thought i was I was in a dawn of the dead movie that had cannibles and zombies in it everywhere. I took Five ecstasy and tried to end my life. I walk to the gas station and start making a scene. The cops came and beat me up. I went back to jail and when I got there I was asked how many did I take and I said five. I was thrown to the ground. I believe I was raped because as I was held down I saw the other guard pull his paints down. I screamed I have HIV as someone penetrated me. Then I was thrown into stretcher and ran through the jail. They stuck a catheter in me on purpose and pulled it out w the balloon open. Then I was thrown into the Ambulance and a man got on top of me and I was so combative that I thought they where about to kill me. They shot me up in both forearms with a jet injector and took my blood. I remember looking up thru the skylight in the Ambulance and I said Father please forgive me if my sins in Jesus name. Then a huge peace came over me and I fell asleep. The Moral of this story is that I have OCD spikes and flashbacks that I’m actually either dead or of those moments I thought were my last on Earth. When the spikes happen my heart drops and I have this huge fear that I’m already dead and at Gods Judgment. When I snap out of the flashback I’m left w a very large and excruciating amount of anxiety. I dont wish any harm to those who have done this to me. I pray the Lord convicts them and they come to the cross of Salvation. I can never forget being lost and then then being found. Love is the only way.
  3. The rain that falls Splashed in your heart Ran like sadness down the window into your room The space between Our wicked lies is The hope to keep us safe from pain Take my hand 'cause we're walking out of here Right out of here Is all we need dear The space between What's wrong and right Is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you The space between your heart and mind Is the space we'll fill with time The space between The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more The space between our wicked lies Where we hope to keep safe from pain The space between The space between
  4. Like there's never been a louder mouthShould have never been allowed a mouthNow that I got a higher power now when I blackout, power outageThey powerless, but they crowd aroundThey tend to flock like shepherds, the black sheep
  5. The grass was greener The light was brighter The taste was sweeter The nights of wonder With friends surrounding The dawn mist glowing The water flowing The endlessly river Forever and ever!!! PINK FLOYD! The division bell!
  6. Who put your conscience there if there isn’t a Supreme Being with Moral Laws?
  7. What if I told you I don't believe Jesus is the Christ?.NOW HOLD ON AND STAY WITH ME I SAID THAT FOR A REASON.God gave you a conscience. To do right or to do evil. Why I said that is because clearly you can sense thru your conscience that something I said was not right. That calibrated conscience that is inline with the Holy Spirit would of told you something isn't right. If you go to school and you sense something isn't right you feel a little bell go off on your soul. One of the clearest indicaters to see is that God gave you a bell to ring when things aren't right. Your conscience can become broken. Calling evil good and good evil. That's what sin does to the heart. It breaks the Ten commandments tablet over your heart. It can be seared as with a hot iron. For me to say with all who know me here that I don't believe in Jesus should of dinged your conscience the Holy Spirit that something isn't right. We knew before we even thought that murder was wrong that is was wrong. Who in the world put that there if your are an atheist and don't believe any of the simple truths that there is a God of Moral Laws. Please consider that you have been given this life, what makes you think you wouldn't have another. To clear up confusion only the wise will be able to discern what I was trying to say. Jesus is the Son of God. I was showing you the simple proof that there is a God. Im not preaching. It’s theology!!
  8. God has restrictions. One is He cannot lie. He would cease to exist if He did. But we’re made in His imagine. Meaning Jesus said before He was crucified I made Gods. gods. He is the only God with a capital G!!!
  9. I’m a Christian. I believe we were born a slave to sin. We never had a free will until we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Unfortunately I had to go thru the ringer to understand all of this. Im going to go to College to become a theologian. I like Ike the way you talk. Very open minded but on target!
  10. I want to express the great help I received from these forums. I’ve asked God for thirteen years to heal me and He has! if you have Faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains. Please continue to love one another. To all that helped me thru drink of wisdom I appreciate it so much. Good luck to y’all. I’ll sticj around to see the comments and any questions anyone has. God bless yall!
  11. Last night I had a spike that I was dead and standing before God about to be judged. Its taking everything i have not to go thru another one. My emotions were enhanced. The He only thing that took it away was a benzo but good luck on getting those.
  12. They did another blood test while in IP and it shows everything perfect so idk what’s up.
  13. Severe. Enough to want me to hurt myself. I haven’t gone that far and I see the endocrinologist on the 18th. I have so many many symptoms but they all can also be the gabapentin withdrawals.
  14. I just found out that I have an overactive thyroid. I’m also brutally detoxing off of gabapentin again. so I’m not quite sure what is causing my anxiety. Has as anyone here been treated for Graves’ disease and gotten better?
  15. Ive ate two slices of bread in three days. I’m down to 160 and that’s my ideal weight but losing it like this isn’t health . I dont know folks. I wished all of this was over.
  16. I had to reinstate the gabapentin. I was 36 days into a CT. My life was reduced to zero. The problem is I’ve already tasted the fruits of its high. and I can’t seem to get away from it. I called the Pharmacist and RN and they said I wasn’t in withdrawals anymore. But I have a feeling that that’s not true. When you’re addicted to Something it takes along time for the brain to heal.
  17. My dad is narcissistic. I called him today and I told him if you would of just been a father I would of healed. He’s like I don’t care. When end I was living w hun I was going through klonopin detox. I couldn’t heal right because I thought at any moment he was going to abuse me like he did when I was growing up. He is so self pitiness person. He loathes and. When he wants something if he doesn’t get it he blames me for it. I cant stand him. I told him finally I’m never going to call you again. Youll see me in TV. Preaching the Gospel.
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