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About angry_girl

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    ..but a sad angry girl...

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    the OC (not the cool one)
  1. I'm 32 and have been cutting or burning since I was a teen. I haven't done anything in a little over a year and I do still ocassionally get the urge, but then I think about how easy it would be to totally lose control and go too far. That line of thought has kept me safe. I hope things go well for you and I wish you luck. AG
  2. Oh, god, do I remember that. When I was on Lithium, it was bad enough having to pee so often, but it would just sneak up on me. I made sure that I went potty everytime before I left the house, but then, without any warning, I'd have this sudden urge. I had to cut quite a few shopping excursions short due to wet pants. I never understood why it came on so fast. I barely had time to even think about where the restrooms were and then it was too late. I had never had any kind of incontinence issue before going on Lithium nor have I had any since coming off of it. Weird. Good riddance to THAT drug! AG
  3. Hi Gianna The highest dose of Lamictal that I was on was 225 mgs. It was being used in combination with Lithium first, then with Tegretol. I never felt like it was doing anything and it was the most expensive meds I was taking. I decided that I wanted to stop taking it. I went down 25mgs at a time until I was down to 25 mgs every other day. The only withdrawal symptom I remember is headaches, but they went away rather quickly once I was off of it altogegther. I guess I was pretty lucky. I didn't have any memorable side effects at all during the time I was on it, not even when I was in the ramp-up period. Is there a reason that you're trying to cut down? Side effects or is it just not working anymore? Good luck. Wishing you well... AG
  4. When I was first diagnosed with MI (major anxiety being part of it), my pdoc prescribed 1 mg of Klonopin, which I would take three times a day. After about a year, it seemed to have stopped working. He switched me over to 1 mg of Ativan three times a day and it kicked in like a charm. I was very nervous to take benzos because I didn't like the risk of dependency, so, with the pdoc's ok, I started taking less and less. At first, I just stopped taking the midday dose, and that was fine. Then a few months later, I stopped the morning dose, too. By this point, my pdoc was prescribing it only as a PRN. I'd take it before bed to help me calm down enough to get to sleep. I started needing it less and less and now I haven't taken any in the last six months. I don't remember having any sort of withdrawal at any point. Now I'm not on any benzos at all. I still have anxiety issues, just not quite as bad as it was, and I just deal with it as it comes. If it means I don't drive today, then so be it. I wish you the best of luck with your meds and your anxiety. AG
  5. I know how you feel. I've been cycling like crazy these past couple of weeks and when I'm coming down from a frenzied mixed state, I could sleep for days. I also know how scary it feels when this is happening and you've still got to go to work. I've been on partial disability since January and only work four hours a day. When I wake up, I'll just bust out in tears thinking about having to go in for those measly four hours. I have no more leave time available and am on a final warning status for attendence, which basically means that if I want to keep my job, I can't call in sick. It has really been a help being on partial disability, butu unfortunately, that runs out end of the month, so I'll be back to 8 hours a day. I can't even think about that right now. Maybe a leave of absence or a temporary part time arrangement could be made until you are able to get your meds straightened out? If not, just try and hang in there, I'll be right there with you. Wishing you nothing but good thoughts... AG
  6. Welcome to CB. I've been on the med-go-round since February 2005 and so far, the only thing that has worked has been the AAP, Geodon. That has kept the hallucinations at bay. As for the BP, I have yet to find the right cocktail. I definitely agree with Miab, for me anyway, it'll take more than just one med to get my head straight. Unfortunately, I didn't have any luck with Lamictal unless it was supplemented with Lithium, which I couldn't tolerate. Best of luck to you, try not to get discouraged. I know that's difficult, but you can always vent here, I do and it really helps me. AG
  7. I just sent a $20 thank-you. I know that's not much, but I wanted to send all I could as a thank-you for just being here. AG
  8. Thanks for the replies guys. I'm feeling a little better today. The mixed-ness seems to be gone, for now. I don't feel quite as suicidal, just fleeting thoughts. I have an appt with my pdoc on April 9th, so I think I can hang on til then. We will definitely be talking about the ADs and mood stabilizer not working! Time to devise plan ... let's see, plan Q?? (Way past plan B by now) Thanks again for the support you two. AG
  9. I'm so done with all this. My mood has gone from extremely depressed to a mixed state of suicidal hell. I am so sick of my meds not working. Its been three years now and not one of the med combos has done anything productive for any length of time. I'm so lonely and isolated, my world consists of my son, my mom and my cats. The two friends that I do have are so fucked up that I feel like just another burden to them. And my mom, she tries so hard, but she just doesn't understand. I've put on so much weight. I'm so fat and ugly and disgusting. No wonder I don't have any friends, who'd want to be my friend, anyway? I'm too afraid to go out in public. I don't even know what I'm afraid of. I guess I'm afraid of rejection and ridicule. I tried to make a friend at work and now she's quitting. I'm such a loser. I can't call my pdoc. I know she'd want me to go into the hospital and I just can't do that. I have run out of FMLA time at work and I am already on final warning for attendence so if I don't show, I'll be fired. I just took a week of vacation last week because the addition of Remeron was making me so tired I just couldn't function. The daytime sleepiness is gone, leaving this black-hole depression, and now the irritability, agitation and insomnia of a mixed state. I just knew the Tegretol wasn't working right. I am so tired but I just can't seem to sleep. At least I'm not hearing or seeing things - yet. Why am I taking all these drugs if they aren't helping? I just don't know what to do. At least I'm not cutting, not that the urge isn't there. I think I'll try and sleep again. Maybe this time I'll actually fall asleep (and never wake up ... wishful thinking). AG
  10. I wish I could reach over and hug you. If you're really wanting to kill yourself, please call your pdoc or get to the ER. We don't want to lose you! I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs))) AG
  11. Well, although I'm not on it anymore (it kinda fizzled out), I had been on 1mg three times a day. I would take my first dose when I woke up, one at lunchtime and the last around 5pm. I, too, am a big girl but the did the trick for about six or seven months. Then I was switched over to .5 mgs of Lorazepam three times a day. Good luck with your meds! AG
  12. Ok, so I just replied to the other thread about this, but I also wanted to quickly chime in on this one, too. I also pick and eat, scabs and skin. I feel so gross about doind this. Although I don't eat the stuff that comes out of a zit or infection, I do always smell it. I don't know why I do this nor can I pinpoint when it started (not too long ago, tho). I just enjoy the way the puss smells. I can't beleive I'm admitting to this. I feel so disgusting! Hmmph. Crazyboard, where I let it ALL hang out. AG
  13. OMG. I've been a member of CB for almost three years now and I have never visited this forum before. I figured that all my other MI was enough (you know, BPII, anxiety and psychosis). I never even thought to bring it up with my pdoc. I've been a picker since grade school. It started out just picking scabs. Then came adolescence and ZITS. There is something so satisfying when you are able to finally get that *pop*. I lose hours in front of the mirror picking at my face. Stuff that nobody else would even see, but I see it - and pick it. I will also use my hands and fingers to "scan" my arms, shoulders and back and pick anything that is raised. My bedtime ritual now involves at least 30 minutes just laying in bed with my headboard lamp on staring at my arms for any sign of a pore that needs to be squeezed. I have tons of tiny scabs from this, which just added to the picking. I also have an obsession about my body hair. I've been shaving my arms since high school. I will also lose hours in front of the mirror (usually after picking) with my tweezers plucking around on my eyebrows, upper lip, chin and under my jawline. Is this trichotillomania?? I never thought of it that way before. If I'm at work (or anywhere away from home, god forbid driving) I'll compulsively run my fingers over my chin and jawline feeling for hairs and if I find one, it HAS to come out. I stopped carrying tweezers with me, I found that I was making too many trips to the restroom. So, without tweezers, I rely on my fingernails, which are pretty long. As a result of all this tweezing and plucking, I often get ingrown hairs. YAY! More to pick. I am definitely going to bring this up with the pdoc. Yup. Feels very comforting to know that I'm not alone. Thanks guys! AG
  14. I agree that they atre just trying to hook you into subscribing to their service. For what it's worth, I scored a brain age of 33 and I am 32 AG
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