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Closure

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Everything posted by Closure

  1. I normally use Emacs rather than an IDE; at work I program in C, C++, Objective C, and Java and at home I program in Haskell. And yes, it is great that the psychosis is almost completely gone.
  2. Things have been good on my end. With my current meds, after the addition of 2.5 mg olanzapine, my psychosis is minimal (just some very minor hallucinations at this point) and my mood is mostly stable (varying between high normal and low normal, without becoming actually hypomania or depression). This is such a relief. Furthermore, I have regained an interest in programming on my own, which is absolutely wonderful, as I had not been able to code on my own in ages. I did make a bit of an impulse buy while high normal, of a laptop, expensive even by my standards, but the thing is that I have wanted a laptop for quite some time, and wanting to program more and wanting to be able to program when I am out motivated me to follow through with actually purchasing one. And even though I am not high normal anymore, I do not regret making this buy, as I make purchases like this extremely infrequently (the last truly expensive item I have bought was my car in 2013) and as I still would love to be able to actually get my own work done away from home.
  3. Thinking that one is malingering is almost certainly part of the MI itself, i.e. loss of insight, and just because laypersons accused you of that does not make it true.
  4. Reducing one's meds, especially without one's doctor's consent, tends to not end well, no matter how convinced one is that one can do without them.
  5. I get the thing where I hear my phone receive messages, but when I check the phone no messages have been received. I normally just put up with this, as its only real impact is me taking a few second to check my phone for new messages.
  6. My pdoc wants me to use skills learned in therapy to deal with more everyday psychosis, which does feel a bit frustrating at times, but at the same time is willing to make med changes to deal with more pronounced psychosis (like the episodes of such which I have been having not too infrequently lately).
  7. Oh it certainly is not a gift by any means; there is no good that can come out of it. I much hope that my daughter does not inherit my or her mother's MIs, but if she does, I hope it is caught early (but catching things early is no guarantee things will turn out well either).
  8. The paranoia is leaking through again, with thoughts of being poisoned, being watched/monitored, my stuff being tampered with, being followed, and so on appearing again. Furthermore, the last two days I have been getting lots of thought broadcasting, where I believe people can hear my internal self-talk even though I am not actually saying it out loud. Maybe the cariprazine was doing something after all, and trying to replace it with an increased dose of risperidone is not working. However, cariprazine has a long half-life (about two weeks), so it is probably too early to be certain whether this is actually due to stopping the cariprazine or not.
  9. Well I tried my 5 mg olanzapine dissolvable prn last night (around 11 pm), and it made me very sleepy all the way until noon today - but aside from a moment where my delusions were leaking a bit through around lunchtime, I have been free of delusions today. However, I this afternoon started getting tremors in my legs at times, probably a result of the combination of being on both 6 mg of risperidone and 5 mg of olanzapine, even though I am also on 1 mg of benztropine. So it turns out that I will probably only be able to use the prn for emergencies, but it does appear to be pretty effective.
  10. I am not diagnosed with SZA but I have the thing where my psychosis exists relatively independent of my mood; I have had hallucinations since November, and have been in all of normal, high, low, and mixed moods during that time, and I have had delusions likewise in pretty much all moods except that they are diminished in severe depression.
  11. For me it would be if I have delusions with strong conviction, especially if they are alarming in content or dominate my thoughts, which stick out in contrast with my more usual, pedestrian delusions of generally weaker conviction which I can more easily dismiss or ignore; this would work because I never completely lose insight even when I have delusions of very strong conviction. Also, the former for me come in unpredictable episodes that last a few days at a time, whereas the latter until recently were predictable and I got used to them quickly (they were more pronounced on work days end less pronounced on weekends). Note that my hallucinations are minor and have practically no impact on me, so I would not take a prn for those. I would probably take one prn a day until the stronger delusions faded; my pdoc has prescribed it to me such that I could take one every single day need be, even though I do not plan on doing so.
  12. Well, I do not plan on taking olanzapine every day; rather, this is as an emergency med, for these episodes where I get markedly psychotic that I have been getting recently. Risperidone rather is my normal AP, for keeping things like my everyday paranoia away. But yeah, I would not have asked for olanzapine as an everyday med, for the very reason you mention above, even though it is quite effective.
  13. I saw my pdoc today and talked to her about what had happened from Sunday through Tuesday, and she decided to take me off cariprazine, which she said didn't seem to be working, to increase my risperidone back to 6 mg as it was a while back (I did have side effects at that dose, but considering how back what happened was something needed to be done), and to give me the dissolvable olanzapine prn that I had asked for, in the 5 mg form. Hopefully this will prevent me from getting these episodes again, and if it does not, at least will give me something to suppress them right away before they get any worse.
  14. And now I have the delusion - if that is what you call it - that I rabidly support the God Emperor, aka the Donald, even though in reality his supporters still disgust me... yay...
  15. We cannot diagnose you, but from your description it does sound like it would be a good idea to bring it up with a mental health professional or at least your GP (e.g. if you need a referral).
  16. Got the weirdest delusion today - that I am the reincarnation of a particular far right-wing neopagan who is known for both murder and church-burning - despite the fact that the guy isn't even dead. And of course my actual views are diametrically opposed to this guy's. Really, really weird.
  17. My meds seem to be suppressing most of my psychosis - I no longer am markedly psychotic all the time - but not completely enough that I don't have a constant low background level of psychosis or occasional more pronounced breakthrough symptoms. I probably do need a med tweak if all psychosis is to be suppressed completely. I am not confident that simply increasing my current meds will do it, since I don't have much room to go up. I have thought of trying olanzapine, so if I have more breakthrough symptoms I will mention it to my pdoc. However, I fear the side effects of olanzapine, so another possibility I thought of was asking for an olanzapine prn, so I can suppress breakthrough symptoms effectively without having to take olanzapine every day.
  18. My pdoc has done this sort of thing before - she will not change my AP rx when I have a seemingly isolated short delusional episode after having previously been stable (mind you that to her having limited minor psychotic thoughts and hallucinations is still stable) unless I have further episodes that demonstrate that this was not isolated. In this case was four or five days of marked delusions, preceded and followed by periods of limited delusions (the preceding period was several weeks long. This is probably a product of her having a very conservative mindset as a pdoc. Personally, I rather she would simply stamp out all the psychosis right off the bat, no matter how much meds and how many med changes it would take. Even occasional episodes of more marked delusions are highly non-ideal. Even a constant low-level background psychosis like I have had since at least last November if not earlier is non-ideal.
  19. I don't feel I am ready for clozapine at this point, since I am on the only set of APs that has really failed on me w.r.t. its AP effect - and there is still some room to go up (the cariprazine can be increased to 6 mg, even though the risperidone cannot really be increased due to EPS even with benztropine). I have tried other APs, but they have been discarded for other reasons. And anyways, the bloodwork would be a major hassle. Therapy might actually work for me, because I retain insight and apparently am quite cognizant even when markedly psychotic. Supposedly I already cope quite well with being psychotic - e.g. I remain outwardly functional enough even at my most delusional - even if it does not always feel that way to me (of course I don't have anything to compare myself against in this regard IRL). This bodes well for therapy working.
  20. After the breakthrough symptoms of the Thursday before last through last Sunday, which was marked by significant paranoia, I expected my pdoc to make changes to my meds to help stamp this sort of thing out. But when I talked to her, she talked about learning through therapy to tolerate some level of psychotic symptoms rather than just throwing more meds at the psychosis. To me this kind of seemed like giving up, and after all I want no psychotic symptoms not just to cope with them better. After all, things have not always been this way, having gone years without any psychosis at all in the past; I want to get back to that. And sure, I am on two antipsychotics right now, so maybe she thought I was on a lot of AP in the first place (she is squeamish about multiple APs to begin with), but could she not at least try changing one of the APs to one that is more effective, as the ones I am on right now sure are not proving effective if I have breakthrough symptoms like these? So if my pdoc is not going to change my meds, what can therapy do to help in the first place?
  21. According to this F31.81 is unambiguously bipolar II. My only thought is that she believes that psychotic hypomania is the thing (she has diagnosed me as having it in the past), and she's reconsidered when she's said I was manic (as at the time she thought I was manic because I was psychotic without being depressed or mixed, which made no sense to me and which I contested). My thought on why she has not diagnosed me as SZA bipolar-type is that she does not really think I have ever really been normal mood while psychotic, but rather either at least mildly depresed or mildly hypomanic, that I don't really have characteristically SZ-like delusions or hallucinations (I do not hear voices at all, my delusions are only mildly bizarre at most*), and that I just have longstanding mild depression rather than negative symptoms. * She did say that my delusion of thought broadcasting was SZ-like, though, when I told her about it.
  22. Out of curiosity, I called my insurance company today and asked for the ICD-10 code my pdoc had provided them. It was f31.81, i.e. bipolar II. The thing is that my pdoc had always told me I was bipolar I, and I found this easier to believe than bipolar II since I have had psychosis in high moods, which according to the DSM5 is by definition mania, and indeed at one point my pdoc had told me I was manic (even though I didn't quite believe her). So why would my pdoc bill my insurance with something different than what she told me I was dxed as?
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