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Everything posted by Teddy

  1. I'm seriously considering going to Urgent Care, if for no other reason than to get some painkillers. This may sound stupid but the only reasons I haven't gone yet are: 1) I don't want to sound whiny or for the doctors in urgent care or ER to look at my history and say, "Oh, mental illness. She must be drug-seeking." I know it's crazy, considering I've never been addicted to anything in my life (unless you count coffee) but I'm always afraid that docs make a connection between MI and drug-seeking behavior; and 2) I don't want to freak my husband out. He's already freaked out because I've had a "headache" for a month. I say "headache" because anything that isn't a migraine is, to me, hardly worth mentioning but I did mention it because, yes, it was happening every day. But now, I've had two migraines in two weeks and they both had this terrible vertigo with them and now this one has lasted more than 3 days which has never happened, to my recollection. It's always been 3 days tops. I wake up one day with the migraine and I wake up on the 4th day without a migraine but exhausted and sometimes mildly depressed, like I've just lived through a minor trauma or a long illness. I'm trying to get laundry done and tomorrow a maid is coming by for three hours--a gift from a friend--and I'm supposed to go to a playdate with my kids as well and husband and I had plans for cleaning out the garage and closets this week and I just want to be well.
  2. I can't believe I stumbled on this post, Mal, because I got on here literally to see if I could find some little tricksies to help me with my own migraine. I've had a migraine since Friday morning. My dizziness could probably best be described as vertigo since turning my head, or moving too quickly, even something like taking a deep breath can cause the dizziness. I think they describe my kind of migraines as "cluster headaches" because over a period of several days the actual pain can recede and return or lessen and worsen but the other symptoms don't. But I could be wrong. All I know is I've had these fuckers since I was 14 and I suffered through them for 20 years before a neurologist told me I had migraines. I never even knew I was allowed to admit I was suffering. The neurologist prescribed Maxalt but that just increased the frequency of the migraines, I think because I didn't do all the little things I normally did to help with my migraines. My anxiety level is high as well as my irritability level. Despite the fact that yelling makes my head worse (I am going into day 4 of my migraine or cluster migraine or whatever the fuck) I found myself yelling at my son and husband yesterday as though I was having one of those shitty dysphoric manias I have. (And I am not manic; I am very stable, thank Drugs and maybe God if he exists). So to answer your question (instead of just bitching about my own migraine) yes, I believe the feeling of impending doom is probably a part of the migraine. I had the same feeling this past weekend. I drove out of town for a wedding and the whole time, I just knew--KNEW--that I was going to crash on I-10 going 80 miles an hour with my 4 1/2 year old daughter in the backseat. The good news is driving with a sense of impending doom makes one an incredibly careful and observant driver. The drive, however, turned my vertigo into something out of this world. That only ADDED to the sense that I was going to crash and kill us both. Don't know if this helps but it felt good to bitch about my own migraine.
  3. My kids are four and six. Like Odetta said, anyone could walk into their schools. My daughter's school is a pre-K; it has actual babies in it. There's no locks on the doors. The news said a whole class of kindergartners is unaccounted for. What does that even mean? Does that just mean they haven't identified the bodies? I should just go get my kids. It doesn't matter whether they're safe or not; I should just go get them.
  4. Hey Giz, Everyone's said such good things that I don't know what else to say. I do know that you were helpful to me when I went through my depression this past August/September. Here I am, starting to go through it again and feeling a lot of the things you're feeling. I just want to say I hope that there's some kind of breakthrough. When depressions stretch on first for a month then two months, it's so painful, I know. Just know I care and will keep you in my thoughts.
  5. Hi, LaizyDaizy. I, too, have a kid with autism/ADHD. I know what it's like to be isolated with your kids even though I only have two. I agree with the others you might want to seek out a psychiatrist for help with your depression. I hope you find lots of support here!!
  6. Hello Wildstyle, I do hope you are able to get the help you need. Welcome to CB and I hope to keep seeing you lurking in chat.
  7. I had a guy grab me and kiss me once at a concert in Austin. I was kinda drunk at the time. I ended up "cooperating" but I remember how it felt at first...like I was being suffocated. I did a lot of sexual acting out back then so I remember pushing him away and he wouldn't let go so I just kissed him back. I also had a girl grab me and kiss me in a gay club. When she pulled away, she said, "Sorry! I'm on ecstasy, I just had to kiss you!" It's nothing like what Antigone's story is but I'm no stranger to assault that nobody else would consider assault. Mostly because I always just gave in.
  8. I am feeling better. Last night was the first night I've slept well since I started taking the Effexor (I took some melatonin last night to be sure I slept) but now I feel like I could just keep sleeping. Also, I feel like I'm doing some mild rapid cycling. Want to cry one minute; pissed off the next; overly sensitive to things (like people are making fun of me). I'm guessing it will take a few days for things to even out.
  9. That is horrible. I am on FB and I do post pictures of my kids but they're more the "look how adorable my kids are!" And I post cute things they say and I sometimes post semi-negative things (like Odetta said), like, "Today my kids are driving me crazy," but my friends who have kids often do the same thing. Being a mother is exhausting and sometimes connecting with your friends through FB by saying, "These kids!" is helpful because you get some empathy and it kind of brings you back from the edge so that you DON'T end up doing something stupid (like spanking them because you're stuck in the house with them day after day and can't take it anymore). I find sometimes just posting on FB that they're driving me crazy and making it kind of funny can pull me back from the edge. I'm not going to deny that I've done bad things before as a mother, said awful things to my children--I'm crazy after all and I didn't always have the support system I have now--but all in all I'm a good mother and if anything, I am more likely to be ashamed myself for punishing my children inappropriately than I am likely to shame them. Children aren't fragile but at the same time, it's just...to me the most dangerous parents are the ones who never doubt that they're right.
  10. thanks, scatty. We started him on intuniv yesterday but me (like an idiot) gave it to him this morning instead of giving it to him at night, which is what the pdoc said because I, in my infinite parental wisdom, thought, "NOTHING can make this child tired." so of course he had a terrible day because he was so tired. so we gave it to him at night tonight. My husband was, like, "Can we give him two doses in one day," and I said, yes, it will be fine. He needs to get on a regular schedule of taking it at the same time. I just did something weird to this tiny little netbook I'm typing on and now I can barely read the type. and why won't the damn shift work to capitalize stuff! I'm having a bit of a crazy day. I had some hypomania today. Oops on the Effexor.
  11. I'm glad to hear other people get depressed in the summer. I live in South Texas and we get the equivalent of cabin fever in the summer. It's just TOO hot to go out. I start to feel good around this time of year. But then sometimes I do get depressed once winter really sets in. So I guess I'm better when the weather is not too hot or too cold (although "too cold" around here is a relative term; it hardly gets that cold.)
  12. I still feel a little revved up, but it feels more mental than physical. I'm SUPER focused. But I'm also feeling very emotional, like easily wounded. It's an odd feeling but--strangely--it's kind of my natural personality. So I guess that's a good thing.
  13. He really does. He's kinda crazy, too, if you read interviews with him. I wouldn't be surprised if he has bipolar disorder. (Ah, diagnosing celebrities.) I can't decide if he's hotter as Tony Stark/Iron Man or as Sherlock Holmes.
  14. Jen, this makes me so sad and it came up on another thread where you asked about disclosing MI and I didn't address anything you said because I was too busy dressing down another poster but I want to say, from me to you, that even though I've had children there have been MANY MANY times I wish I hadn't. There have been MANY MANY times I thought I was selfish and stupid for bringing children into my own person MI hell. What I'm trying to say is that there are doubts and grief and loss either way. I grieve the times I've been a horrible mother. There's things I've lost...I only have two videos of my daughter between the ages of 2 months and 3 and a half years old because I was too fucked up to think, "I need to capture these years." Choosing to have children or not when you're MI brings all sorts of loss, either way. Ultimately, I'm glad I made the decision I did. And I don't know how old you are but you never know what the future will bring for you. You may meet a man who has children; you may become an "auntie" to a friend with a child. This is my take on the past: you made the best decision you could make with the information you had at the time. I hope I'm not offending you in any way.
  15. I believe this was exactly my point--what you choose is personal and neither selfish nor selfless but simply a personal choice As dedoubt said, we never told Jen she was stupid. In fact, we never responded to Jen's post at all (sorry Jen). We responded to YOU. You specifically said that which implies that those of us with MI who made the choice (whether knowing we were MI or not) to have children are selfish. Jen is a fabulous person who helped me through an issue today and, again, neither dedoubt nor I actually commented on her post. Jen, for that I apologize. (Not sticking to the original topic, that is.)
  16. nightanddaywalker (can I call you Night for short? I always like to ask because some of the screen names are long), that sounds so rough. Losing a company you built, wow. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry. I'm bipolar, too, and spend a lot of time on that forum but there are also plenty of other places to hang and there's always chat if you have an emergency or just want some real-time communication. I've been around here for a long time (7 years) and I can promise you that these people are all here to help you keep your head above water.
  17. Yeah, I was happy to get a little housework done without feeling like I was dragging myself around the house. The klonipin did help as did the housework. My pdoc's office called and she wants me to drop down to 75mg because she's afraid if I quit altogether I'll go through the withdrawals people have told me about. I just talked to her secretary; I'm not sure if she's going to remove me from it altogether but she's very easy to get in touch with in between appointments...I just call, leave a message and--depending on the severity of the issue--either she or her secretary calls me back same day. Besides my next appointment is on the 15th so not too far away. I was wondering what that was. That's exactly how almost all AD's make me feel--agitated and restless. I haven't had any experience with SSRI's in a long time but they are completely ineffective at low doses and at higher doses can cause serious side effects and I'm not talking about weight gain or fatigue. For example, Zoloft made me want to kill my husband (then-boyfriend). A day didn't go by that I wasn't throwing shit at his head. Being bipolar is rough (well, duh, that's like saying "war is hell") but what I mean is it can be so hard to find the right drugs and when you do, inevitably the BP changes on you. My pdoc wanted to try a minimal approach in part because when things DO go wrong, it's hard to know what caused it. It's not always the last thing you added. Sometimes something else just totally changed. Hopefully the 75mg will be just enough.
  18. I spend way too much time on here now. It feels like the old days, back before I was married and had kids and all my friends lived here.

    1. LunaRufina
    2. vandeeje


      I spend too much time here too, but I haven't found a downside yet.

  19. Welcome and read the User Agreement under "It Ain't Easy Being Green." There's a comment about nipple clamps at the end so make sure you read all the way through to the end.
  20. Apparently, I can switch very quickly as well. It's not in my signature because it hasn't been applicable in a long time but I used to be an ultra-rapid cycler. Like manic in the morning, depressed in the afternoon, manic at night. It was insane. It took 6 pdocs (and a few IP admissions) for me to admit I was bipolar because I didn't fit into the "depressed for most of the day, every day for two or more weeks; manic for most of the day, every day for at least one week" pattern of BPI. Actually, it wasn't until I joined here that I truly accepted it because I encountered people who were so much like me. I realized it was a bipolar "spectrum." But, yeah, I used to cycle so rapidly, it wasn't even funny. Well, best not to analyze what happened today too closely. I'm glad I have this message board, though. I'm glad my husband told me earlier this year, "You need to start posting on crazyboards again. You're a lot nicer when you're on there." I'm glad I had some klonipin available and that I wasn't out running errands in my car because I do believe that I would've gone on a shopping spree. Oh, how I love de shoppin' when I'm manic. Edited to add: And even though I freaked out, at least it was a "feeling good" kind of mania once I got over the initial "Oh my god I feel manic" terror.
  21. Well, I did the dishes and cleaned off the counters and picked up all the shit my family has left scattered around the living room and carried it all upstairs and put it away. In the meantime, my klonipin has kicked in and I feel more normal. I'm a little sleepy. Klonipin does that to me, even though it's only 2mg. I'm trying to debate whether I should vacuum. I was actually breathing hard as I whipped from room to room straightening up the chaos that has amassed since I've been depressed. I don't want to overdo it and crash and then when my kids come home I suddenly need a nap. So that was kind of the shortest hypomania ever. I'm supposed to take my klonipin at night so now I'm guessing I shouldn't take it tonight? And I'm definitely not taking any Effexor until I hear from my pdoc.
  22. I have stuff I can do around the house--do the dishes, sweep, vacuum, stuff I've let go because of the depression that will probably help with the freaky energy. I'm so glad you responded dedoubt, your voice is always a voice of reason to me. The klonipin isn't working yet and I'm so used to doing so little while the kids are at school saving up all my energy for the mornings and the afternoon/evenings. The irony is that if i were younger, if this was before I had had kids, I would be like woo-hoo! because I feel like bouncing around but I know the truth about my manias these days, like you said, they're always mixed so any sign of mania has me worried. housework it is then or maybe i will bounce around and just wait to hear back from my pdoc i'm sure she'll say lower it. Edited to add: you posted while I was posting melissa. i guess i hate right before i took my effexor so i don't think my stomach is empty and oh, god, i don't think i can wait that much longer for the klonipin to work but wait i must! haha!
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