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Everything posted by Teddy

  1. I have been depressed since last October although I say depressed and really it's been like this agitated depression followed by what was I think a dysphoric mania this past spring (or whatever phrase you use for those horrible rage filled manias) and then this summer I stopped taking seroquel and switched to depakote and also stopped taking the other drugs I was on which I don't remember now except for klonipin so I was taking 500mg of depakote and 2mg of klonipin at night. So my pdoc gradually raised the depakote (now I'm on 2000mg) but I also slipped into a "normal" depression, just a typical depression without all the agitation and other shit that I always seem to have and it got to the point where I felt like hurting myself so I called her and she put me on wellbutrin at first but I only took that for a few days because it made me nervous so then I saw her in the office and she put me on effexor and right away I started having trouble sleeping but I was only on 75mg for a week then 150mg the next week so I've been on 150mg since Sept 21st. So Saturday I was depressed then suddenly Sunday I wasn't depressed and yesterday I wasn't depressed although I got really irritable with my kids in the afternoon and then today I felt kind of okay but I haven't been sleeping very well and last night my thoughts were racing but I told myself well, my thoughts are always racing and then I took my effexor a couple of hours ago and it was like BAM I have switched from sorta sleepy and relaxed feeling to hyperfocused and hyperaware and my heart is pounding and I looked at a post I made a couple of hours ago versus this one and the difference is unreal it was just like I flipped a switch. So I called my pdoc and left a message and I told her I couldn't take the effexor anymore; I told her what I was feeling and I am terrified, terrified, terrified of manias because I have those horrible ones; I don't get the nice happy ones anymore only the angry ones where I'm like manic and depressed at the same time. I will take depression over that any day because it's actually more stable and even if my kids see me cry and are worried at least I'm not screaming at them but anyway I'm on 2000mg of depakote so even if I came off the Effexor, I should be okay, right? But my question was, am I overreacting? Can you really switch to mania that quickly? I took 2mg of klonipin about 10 minutes ago and left her a message. I was talking SO fast. I hate this feeling, like my skin is crawling and I can hear everything; it's all so loud--the ticking clock, the clacking keyboard, the fan on my laptop. It's 12:05 now and I have until 2:30 to calm my ass down. That's when I go pick up my kids. I don't want to call my husband to go pick up the kids; he's a teacher, he can't just take off whenever and he'll be so upset because we were so happy that I wasn't depressed anymore. What do I sound like to you guys? Do I sound just manic or do I sound like I'm on the verge of psychosis. I don't hear or see anything unusual; I don't have any delusions I don't think unless maybe I'm delusional that I'm manic. Fucking hell!! Why can't it ever be JUST RIGHT????!!!! Why does it always have to go over the top one way or the other???
  2. I am really beginning to worry about mania. I'm not sleeping well, first of all. My thoughts are racing, although last night I told myself (as I was laying in bed not sleeping) that my thoughts always race. Also, I took my morning meds a little late today, about an hour ago, and all of a sudden my heart is pounding. It didn't happen gradually. It was literally, all at once I felt kind of sleepy and was cruising crazyboards and thinking maybe I'd take a nap and all of a sudden, I feel like I'm going to freak out. Like my whole body feels like it's buzzing. I'm only on 150mg. I've been worried about anti-depressants and stimulants for awhile now because while is used to be that I was more depressive than manic, since I've had kids, I'm more manic than depressive and it's not the fun kind of manic. It's the evil, raging, everyone else is a fucking idiot kind of mania. I feel like I'm going to explode out of my body, like the ticking of the clock is too loud, like I can hear the blood in my veins and the typing of the keyboard is SO LOUD. Okay, I am going to pop some klonipin and call my pdoc. This isn't good. Am I overreacting? Mania is the scariest thing in the world to me. I have babies; they're not babies but I have children; you'll know if you've read my signature and when I'm manic I am a destructive force in their lives. I don't want to overreact but I am terrified of mania. Terrified.
  3. Thanks, Gizmo. Our pdoc just put my son on intuniv yesterday. She gave us samples and I've been really worried about what the co-pay was going to be. We have terrible insurance.
  4. You're doing fine and you've come to the right place. I'm glad you have found a diagnosis you feel more comfortable with. My son has autism (although he's only 6). You wouldn't be the first person on here not to be diagnosed with autism until you were an adult. So welcome to crazyboards. Read the rules; they are the first place we send all the newbies. All I can say about your meds is talk to your doctor and let her know they aren't helping with your fear of leaving the house, especially since you have a job you have to go to. You need to be able to get there without freaking out.
  5. I'm on Effexor and I've started taking melatonin again. I've taken it on and off for awhile. When I quit taking Seroquel in July, I had to take 10mg of melatonin (the highest dose out there), 50mg of Benadryl, 2mg of klonipin and at the time I was taking 500mg of Depakote. I still slept restlessly. As my pdoc increased my Depakote (since I was no longer on the Seroquel), I stopped taking so much melatonin and stopped the Benadryl and actually started taking the same melatonin my kids take--it's a liquid version--and I think I was taking 3mg. (They take, like, 1mg.) Then I got depressed and didn't need anything to help me sleep. Then I got REALLY depressed and my pdoc put m on Effexor and then I stopped being able to sleep so now I'm back to taking melatonin. It helps me fall asleep but not as fast as it used to and I sleep really restlessly but I think that may be because of the Effexor, not the melatonin. From the beginning, the Effexor made me sleepy during the day but restless at night. Plus I was depressed, so I laid around in bed a lot while my kids were in school and I thought that was adding to it so I stopped hiding in bed. But I still have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep at night. I've thought about taking my Depakote/klonipin later (I take it around 8 pm) but I'm afraid I won't be able to get up at 5:45 when my alarm goes off. So the depakote/klonipin make me tired but I can't sleep so I always end up getting up and taking some melatonin but I still have SO many dreams (just like you said, humanoid) and it sometimes feels like it's the same dream and I'm just having it all night long. Plus I toss and turn and wake up a lot and sometimes when I wake up, I find it takes me 30 minutes or longer to fall back asleep. It's really frustrating.
  6. That's a great doctor. He sounds like my therapist. I like my doctor. She's very professional which has made me interpret her in the past as aloof and uncaring. We've had some run-ins in the past but my tdoc helped me see what I was doing to put her off. I would quit meds without telling her; I would dig out old meds without telling her; change doses, etc. In the beginning, when I did stuff like that like back when I was on Seroquel 25mg 3x/day plus 400mg at night, I stopped taking the day dosages because I was getting too groggy, she was okay with it because--as she said--I was more knowledgeable than most people about medication and what worked and didn't work for me. But in the last year, with this ongoing depression (started last September) where it just took on so many forms, I was changing things left and right and she started acting really cool towards me. I finally stopped almost all my meds just cold turkey and I was just going to stop seeing her and my tdoc said, "Just call her; tell her how you feel and how you've been feeling." And I did and I asked if she still wanted to be my pdoc. Anyway, there was a miscommunication but eventually I got in to see her and SHE apologized to me. She said she was sorry I was feeling so bad and that I felt like I couldn't talk to her about it. And since then I've been totally honest. Fortunately, quitting almost all my meds was a good move. I "settled" into a typical depression rather than a constant mixed episode (I swear I've been cycling between agitated depression and enraged mania for a year now) and, quite frankly, it's easier to treat and we have been moving slowly. Since August, I've been getting my blood work done roughly every two weeks to check my Depakote level and have slowly gone from 500mg to 2000mg. I was able to call her and tell her when the depression was bad enough that I felt like hurting myself or my kids and she added first Wellbutrin (which didn't work) then Effexor, which has for the most part, worked. I've known her for about five years. My last pdoc actually "fired" me as a patient; said I was impossible to work with and that I needed parenting classes. At the time I was in the midst of an almost psychotic post-natal depression that she had failed to note until my son was almost a year old. When she "fired" me he was fourteen months old. I am probably hard to work with; very bull-headed. But this pdoc had a huge ego. A couple years before this, when I was in grad school, I was talking to my tdoc about problems at school and he tested me for ADHD and then printed the results and gave them to me and said take them to your pdoc and maybe she can help you out. This pdoc was enraged that a PROFESSIONAL would send INFORMAL TESTING RESULTS to ANOTHER PROFESSIONAL through the PATIENT and not call her himself, as though I was a child. Talk about an ego issue. I think she "fired" me in part because she felt helpless and it challenged her ego as such an "awesome" pdoc. But that's just me. Wow, what a long entry.
  7. I'm really sorry that you said you googled it because then I googled it. And now my legs are crossed. And I'm a woman.
  8. Once when I was manic and didn't know it, I thought I had a special connection to Robert Downey, Jr. (this was when he was going through his terrible drug phase in the late 90's) and that I had been "appointed" (by whom? don't know) to go to Los Angeles, locate him, and help him. I'll never forget this because it felt so real at the time. I really believed that he would open his door to me and that I could help him kick his habits. Talk about delusional. I didn't follow through, obviously, although I kinda wish I had, especially now that he's back in the A list.
  9. I did like the line, "Psychopaths, without batting an eye, are perfectly happy to chuck the fat guy over the side."
  10. I've been on it for two weeks now and all of a sudden yesterday I was better. Literally, Saturday I was still deeply depressed and yesterday I wasn't. And today I wasn't. But last night I couldn't sleep. It's too early to worry about mania and quite frankly, I'm feeling pretty sleepy and would love to take a nap but kid #1 is home with me. I have agitated manias and agitated depressions; this was the first depression I've had in a long time where I was just "typically" depressed. I actually called my pdoc on Friday and asked if I could raise the Effexor and she said nope, too early. I'm glad she knows what she's doing because I'm afraid raising it is not in store for me, considering that lack of sleep always leads to mania for me. The biggest problem, and it's not the Effexor's fault necessarily, is that I am completely unfocused and dopey. It's probably the Depakote. I remember how everyone said how stupid Topamax made you when it came out and I was on it and it DID make me stupid so maybe Depakote has the same effect but I do feel a bit "bovine" as someone said (sorry; I can't find the exact quote). Since I've had my kids, the flavor of my BP has totally changed. I used to have manias and depressions, pretty typical, and rapid cycling. Now I just have agitated depressions and mixed manias (dysphoric manias) which basically means I want to kill myself when I'm depressed and want to kill everyone else when I'm manic. It's kind of nice to feel so dopey but I'm having a hard time getting things done or feeling like things that I used to think are important are important (like vacuuming). Also the sleeping issue bothers me. I just haven't slept well since I started taking it but I hate to switch to something else. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for everyone's input. Since having kids, finding the right meds to keep me stable has been a CONSTANT challenge. To top it off, I have ADHD and am not being treated for that, at my own request, because I am trying to get and stay stable. blargedy blarg...I feel like nothing I've said has made sense. Edited to add: I just re-read it and it does make sense so disregard the above statement.
  11. I've been suffering from IBS for about ten years and in the beginning, I didn't have diarrhea. I just had the horrible cramps that felt like something with one inch claws on its hands and feet was trying to work its way through my system. When I went to the bathroom, I would just get that horrible mucus. I don't get the terrible cramps anymore (or very rarely; usually only when I eat certain trigger foods) but I do know that when I did have those flare-ups, it was exhausting. When it did eventually turn from the constipation type to the diarrhea type, I had also developed terrible hemorrhoids because of the diarrhea and then having two kids. Not to get to specific and gross but when you have to wipe so much because of the type of bowel movement you've had, the hemorrhoids become really painful and it feels like the clawed creature is working its way up my intestines from the outside instead of the inside. Either way, you have to acknowledge you're going through physical pain. It's like being sick (it IS being sick). I think it's totally normal to be tired, exhausted even. Is it possible you may also be suffering from some depression, maybe because of the PCOS or the PCOS combined with the IBS? IBS is a painful and embarrassing condition so it's not even like you get to talk regularly to people about it coupled with the constant bathroom visits and pain. So if you are experiencing some depression, even mild depression, that would definitely add to your exhaustion.
  12. You may not have really thought through what that sounded like, Sassy Scissors, but from over here it looks like you are saying that people with a MI that choose to have children are SELFISH for doing so. I AM NOT FUCKING SELFISH. I spend most of every day taking care of my kids, fucking serious amounts of work. I don't think that I would have been a better person to have foregone having children. And I'm sure as shit not fucking selfish for having them. I agree with dedoubt. You might want to be more careful what you say about MI and being a mother. I knew I was bipolar before I got married or had kids and it was something I discussed at length with my therapist and with my pdoc. In fact, my therapist and I discussed it for a long time before I even met my husband. It's incredibly hard to be a mother with MI but I'm not selfish. One of my children is autistic; the other one is NT but either way they are both going to grow up knowing that everyone is different and the NT are no better than the rest of us. I wouldn't have busted my ass as hard as I have to be stable if I hadn't had kids nor would I have learned what it means not to have my life revolve around me. I would've spent my whole life being a victim because of my MI but having kids made me realize that I'm not a victim; I'm just someone with a harder job at life than other people. Having kids when you're MI is an extremely personal choice. I absolutely understand people never wanting to have kids because of their MI. But there's all kinds of people choose to have or not have children, even sane ones, and I would never think of any of those people as selfish. Maybe I don't completely understand them but until I've walked a mile in their shoes, it's not my place to judge. Also, there are mothers on here who didn't find out they were MI until after they'd already had children. So please be careful about this touchy subject.
  13. Today I laughed. That's a pretty good improvement.

  14. Teddy


    On my Facebook newsfeed, I always see, "So and so pinned [whatever] to Pinterest." And I clicked on the link like once and it just looked totally confusing to me. I only joined Facebook last October so I am not a social networking type of person. CB is my social network, HAHA! But I know all my friends and family who are "cool" belong to Pinterest. They're the ones who bring Gouda and Shiitake Baked Potatoes to Thanksgiving dinner and do pieced quilts and crochet all their own clothes and stuff. BAH HUMBUG.
  15. What is ACT, DBT, IPT and IFS? I've never heard of these types of therapy and, in truth, had never heard of CBT until I downloaded an app on my Kindle Fire and went to see my therapist and said, "This CBT diary is so awesome!" and he said, "That's one of the types of therapy I do," and I was, like, "Oh." So my therapist doesn't use just the one approach. FWIW, he's a psychologist, not an LMFT or whatever those other ones are with all the initials after their names, LOL. I don't know how much of a difference that makes in the type of therapy that's used. Obviously, I don't know much about therapy except that my therapist is awesome. Also, I've been in therapy with the same tdoc since I was 22 (so 16 years). He never implied that therapy would be quick or I would have all my problems solved in a few months and he also never suggested therapy alone would solve my problems. He said therapy would only work if I was on medication for the bipolar disorder. What he DID say was that where we started (seeing each other twice a week) would eventually go to once a week then twice a month then once a month, as I progressed in therapy and that I would eventually reach the point where we may not see each other but once every six months or once a year or even end therapy altogether but that since I had a lifelong disease, it might be beneficial (and there would be no shame) in seeing him on an "as needed" basis. I don't know how much of the therapy he does is strictly CBT. I never really knew there were different types of therapies. I thought there was psychotherapy and there was psychoanalysis. And wouldn't any therapy where you sit one on one with a psychologist or counselor be considered talk therapy? It seems to me that he applies a little bit of everything. Like I said, he never strictly described his type of therapy as CBT. Unfortunately, I dropped my Kindle Fire in the toilet so I can't use the app anymore. I also miss Angry Birds.
  16. My sister-in-law has this problem. She picks at her fingernails and cuticles and also at scabs. She takes anti-anxiety medication but even with it, she is still prone to a lot of anxiety although I believe the anti-anxiety medicine has reduced the picking to some degree. So they can give you medication to help although I don't think the medication alone is a cure. Late last year and earlier this year, I was having a mixed episode and my four year old daughter went through a period where she picked at her feet and fingers and it freaked me out. I was very unstable and there was a lot of chaos in our house; a lot of me screaming at them and just being a crazy bipolar bitch mother. I've now settled into a depression, which--while not ideal--is still stable in that I am the same every day. Her picking issues have gone away. But it really freaked me out. My point is, although I myself don't pick, what I know about it is that it's a reaction to anxiety so if there's a way to reduce the anxiety? I don't know. You'll probably all say, "Duh."
  17. I've never tried a stimulant solely for depression but when I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20's, my pdoc at the time prescribed Adderall and said that stimulants can have an AD property along with an anti-depressant. I was also going through a depression and we tried several different AD's until we tried Cymbalta, which worked.
  18. I am so fucking tired of being depressed.

  19. I just finished reading your blog, Stephanie, and "liked" your Facebook page. What you and your family has been going through is, there's no definition for it. I just wanted you to know that I hope we never end up in the position you guys were in.
  20. I have been looking for you for a long time! I told my therapist a few months ago, "If there is a woman out there suffering from bipolar disorder who ALSO has a child with autism, I have yet to find her!" But I found you. I'm so reading your blog now.
  21. I've never heard it called that before either but like others have said, it sounds like mixed mania, which I get. I am confused about the differences between dysphoric mania, mixed mania, mixed states and mixed episodes but I think they are all basically the same thing. Rage (I like how they always call it "irritability") seems to be the primary symptom. The way I understand it, mixed mania is where you are depressed and manic at the same time, thus the term "dysphoric." You're not happy; just full of energy and sadness, thus (I guess) the rage. To me, it's the scariest type of episode to have. I went through one this past spring and I have two small children. It's truly terrifying. I know you wish you didn't have to be here but still, welcome. I've been diagnosed for 15 years but I never really understood my disease or had enough support (other than my tdoc) until I found this place in 2005.
  22. It's the job of the 911 operators to keep you on the phone until the cops/ambulance gets there and to gather as much information as possible.
  23. I hope you're not offended but this made me laugh so much! Not like, "You stupid moron," but like, "Way to go, Antigone!"
  24. My pdoc's secretary called back. She said she won't raise the Effexor; it's too soon but that my Depakote level was 81 and she wanted me to go up another 500mg. I'm gonna need a bigger pill caddy. And I get to change my signature again!
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