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Teddy

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Everything posted by Teddy

  1. I never heard it before so I was quite impressed. I'd never had a good explanation for family and friends when they're, like, "Why don't you visit? Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun to go out." One day maybe I'll be able to explain to my son why we don't have as much energy as he does. And, yes, some days it takes 5 or 6 spoons just to get out of bed. It takes me a lot of spoons to get through to 11 a.m. so after 11 a.m., I don't do much.
  2. I came across this today on another message board I use for mothers of children with autism. Some of the mothers on there are also autistic or have MI issues of their own so it can also be a way to understand not just our children, but ourselves. One of the mothers posted this. It's copyrighted but there is a pdf version and if you click on this link below you will be able to read the pdf version of it. I have never read anything more brilliant for explaining to family and friends what having a chronic illness/disability is really like. Read it...especially if you have ANY guilt about why you can't be "normal," or live up to others' expectations. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf
  3. I absolutely have had this problem. In the last six years, I had two kids and one of them has autism. Last year my husband and I were having marital problems. The problems started at the end of September when I told him about an affair I was having. The affair ended a month later but there was a lot of drama with the other couple, because we were all friends. (Yep. I know. Terrible person.) My husband and I had unresolved issues that were part of why I had the affair but also during that time, I had continuous chest/sinus infections and was having to take antibiotics, heavy-duty prescription allergy meds, Flonase and a breathing medicine. I felt depressed and unfocused but anxious so my pdoc took me off Vyvanse and gave me Concerta. Then I went into a mixed-state rage-a-thon. So I got off the Concerta. Then I turned into a raging zombie. So totally without energy or focus or motivation but still pissed off at every little thing anybody did. (And I have a four year old and six year old so they were hit hardest.) Finally, I stopped taking Seroquel and it turned out that the SEROQUEL (of all things) was the underlying cause of all the rage. It was no longer acting as a mood-stabilizer and everything else that I took on top of it just made it worse. This has been one year of trying to untangle a shitload of threads. Now I am only depressed. I know..."only." But I am back on depakote, which I took years ago, at a high enough dose that we were finally able to address the depression. My pdoc prescribed wellbutrin. But I couldn't take the wellbutrin until the depakote was at a high enough therapeutic level. So it's been a hard three months since I went from all these drugs to just depakote and gradually sank into a depression. I still deal with some irritability but it's NOTHING like what the concerta did. I mean, NOTHING. So, that's the long answer to your question...it took us almost a year to untangle what was life, what was meds, and the bottom line is it was both. I also started regularly seeing my tdoc again who I hadn't really seen that often since my first kid was born. I was overwhelmed with so much that I felt like I could do pdoc OR tdoc but not both. (In my defense, I've been seeing him since I was 22 and I'm 37 so it's not like I didn't have regular therapy for a large part of my adulthood). But I realized I do need to go back to him at least once a month to get reminders, more often if I am depressed.
  4. Seconded, though I hope it's possible for it to happen peacefully... Thirded. My husband tried to set boundaries with my in-laws who live 50 minutes away and haven't bothered to spend any time at our house in three years. They're terrible parents but great grandparents and my husband was tired of listening to them talk to him about what a crazy bitch I was and how he should divorce me. So he said the boundary is, come to our house to see the kids. He felt that way, they (at least his mom) would be forced to face me, on my own turf, and deal with her grievances against me. (Or, more likely, simply keep her mouth shut.) Boy, that shit blew into outerspace. I accept my guilt. She emailed me after Ryan had tried to explain to her and said she didn't understand the boundary, maybe I could explain why she was being punished when she'd done nothing wrong, and oh--it would be nice for her sister to get thank you cards when she sends the kids birthday cards (with $5 bills in them). I think it was the ASSUMPTION that as shitty as she/they had been treating me for the last three years, I was the one who was expected to send thank you cards to Ryan's family members, even though I'd never met the woman. So I emailed her and wasn't too nice about it and made a little comment at the end about how it's Ryan's mother's job to teach him how to send thank you notes. (I know, I know...but I've been so nice the last three years with one exception. Made sure they got birthday cards and Christmas presents because do you think my husband would remember shit like that??) OMG, she went ballistic. She kept emailing me until finally Ryan told her to stop and then she texted him and just--it was like she had become paranoid, psychotic, deranged, delusional and enraged all at once. The things she said to him were--wow. He told her, "We're not having any more contact. We're done." That was a few weeks ago. So, yes, be prepared for the shit to hit the fan. The good news is that she emailed him today and asked if she could come over this weekend and visit the kids at our house just for an hour or so. I am SO grateful because it may hurt that they hate me but it hurts so much when my son asks why he can't go over to Grandma and Grandpa's house. So she may come around once she cools off.
  5. Oh, Antigone, I couldn't have said it better myself...I have been through a terrible, terrible year and even before then there were many dark moments. But I love how you described the good times as "lily pads" that my children can use as stepping stones to remind them. And writing them down...how awesome. I think maybe I will start with that. I have a blog here; it's private (except for friends to see) but I think that I may start writing letters to my children. I used to be a writer (got a degree in English and wanted to do a terminal degree in creative writing) but I stopped around 2005 and then I had kids. My therapist told me with both kids in school, he felt I should start writing again, specifically about what it is like to have bipolar disorder, to raise a son with autism, etc. So I started my blog here on CB and found I just can't think about what to say!! But there is SO MUCH I can say to my children, I just know it. So much I think may help them later in life when they maybe don't quite understand and aren't as resilient.
  6. I totally want to be like Eden, too. To do this to YOU. Like you need that. I mean, shit...I will fucking drag her out by her hair. (Please don't think it's weird that I'm feeling THAT protective of you after knowing you such a short time! That tends to happen on CB.) It's just, with all the shit that's happened in your life, I just want this woman out of your life. EDIT: So I offered no advice whatsoever, I noticed. I would do a "pissed off boyfriend/girlfriend" routine. I know you're a Christian but give her a week and then put everything she has on the lawn.
  7. This place was a lifesaver for all of us who found our way here...for me it was seven years ago. Welcome here and gone are your days of having to pretend to be someone you're not.
  8. Only for those of you who are test tube babies. *snicker* Yeah, whatever, I'm tired. Is it "in utero?" BWAHAHAHAHA! I didn't even notice you'd said "in vitro" and I STILL didn't notice when AM said "test tube babies." It wasn't until you said "is it in utero?" that I got it. Ah, depakote--the easiest way to ensure you don't get the joke.
  9. I feel like I was born tired, too, and it's so frustrating because I have a six year old with autism and a four year old daughter. And people give me all this advice and I feel like saying, "You know what...if I wasn't SO FUCKING TIRED, yeah, I'd be doing all the things I need to do to help my autistic son and my 'normal' daughter and I'd be exercising and fixing healthy meals and coupon clipping and playing Candy Land with my kids and exercising and meditating and all the other shit you think will help us but I'M SO FUCKING TIRED." The worst thing is that I'm tired AND anxious or tired AND in a mixed state (irritability/rage is a major problem with those). I remember after one of my suicide attempts, one of my family members asked me why and my honest answer was, "Because I'm so tired." I literally do not know how I got through life and I do NOT KNOW what I was thinking having kids. Actually it was around the time I joined the boards and everyone made me feel so happy and can-do! I don't know how I've made it through life. I guess having kids is good or I would sleep my days away. I'm on disability so I would just lay around and probably would have killed myself by now out of SHEER FATIGUE. And you're all right...nobody gets it. My doctor said that depression is part of it and that fibromyalgia probably adds to it but I KNOW I didn't have fibromyalgia or depression (at least I don't think I did) when I was a kid and I remember being tired then. I also remember having racing thoughts. It's not like I can SLEEP, either, so it sucks. It's like stuck in between. I honestly feel like if I could feel energetic when I woke up in the morning, that my whole family and my whole life would be totally different. But if I take anything but the lowest, tiniest doses of anti-depressants/ADHD meds, I turn into a raging bitch. (I might have already said this in a previous post on this very thread. But I'm too tired to look back and check.)
  10. I take a low dose--100mg a day, approved by my psychiatrist. But I would not take it without talking to your psychiatrist first. I have BP1 but I need something to help with the depression I cannot seem to work my way out of.
  11. This, too, is the scariest thing I've ever lived with. I terrify myself. My son has autism on top of everything else so there aren't many days where the two of us don't have at least one meltdown. I sometimes wish I'd never had kids, like WTF was I thinking having kids when I'm bipolar? But at the same time, I couldn't imagine my life without them or giving them up for adoption or anything else. I can't imagine anyone could love my son as much as me and my husband, even if those people might be "better" parents. And like the original poster, I've almost gotten to the point where none of the meds work or only work for awhile and then suddenly, the med that made me stable a year and a half ago is making me a raging bitch. It's scary. I'm terrified of what I'm doing to my children but everyone keeps telling me I'm doing okay so...you have to listen to people who listen and know you.
  12. Antigone, About two years ago, Ryan was scheduled to have a vasectomy and I made him cancel it. I always wanted lots of babies; I loved having babies. I loved nursing babies. There was a certain Mom I wanted to be and was, for too long with Owen perhaps, and not for long enough with Kara but at any rate...I told my husband I understood, I did, that my bipolar disorder meant I should not have any more children. But I told him I needed him to understand that I couldn't let the possibility be taken away from me. It was as though if we COULDN'T have children, it would be like forcing my hand. And I didn't think I could bear the grief. He agreed to let me have my grieving time. It was a real gift. My mother about flipped out; I'm adopted so she never had any babies of her own. But she loves me to death and is the best mother ever and I know she was terrified I would have a "panic baby," you know, the one you have when you start to realize you're getting too old to have them? But I just needed the time to grieve that loss. It's two years later and I have come to terms with not having babies ever again. At this point in my life, I'm high risk anyway, because of my age, because of my illness. But reading your post made me cry. It made me realize that no matter how hard it's been, I wanted to be a mom from the time I was a little girl. I wanted to be a wife and mother and in the last year and a half, it's been hard (because of my illness) for me to appreciate that I got what I wanted. I take the depo shot and I know I will never have another baby and in many ways, I'm relieved. But I do agree that not allowing yourself to grieve over that, for however long it takes for you to grieve, is doing yourself an injustice. My kids call my uterus my "second belly." You know how it is when kids ask questions about sex and they're little and you have to think of words to describe it to them? And they sometimes will push on my bladder and say, "This is where your second belly is. This is where we grew," or they'll watch a friend breastfeed her daughter and say, "We used to drink milk out of our mama's ninnies too," and I think how funny...now my uterus is just that. A pear shaped empty spot inside me. I don't even have a period because of the depo shot. My breasts are just breasts again, no longer purposeful (though still capable of pleasure) but it doesn't make me as sad anymore. Because I DID get to experience that and I was SO lucky. I never had a miscarriage, both of my pregnancies went well, both of my deliveries were easy, even Owen's who refused to come out for 30 hours, lol! (I tell people that and they gasp but I always say, please, it was only the last six hours that were tough.) They came out healthy. Ryan and I were so lucky. If I didn't have bipolar disorder, if I'd met Ryan at 20 instead of 28, maybe we would have five kids by now. But I have my two sweet kids and motherhood is SO hard and I complain about it SO much but I know that I'll still always be a mother. I'll never stop being a mother, uterus or no. But, yes, my reproductive years defined me, define me still because I AM a mother and I define myself that way for the time being. But one day soon (kids go to school on Monday, BOTH kids FULL time) I'll be able to find new ways to define myself. Thanks for the post.
  13. I'm having this problem, too, though I didn't know it until I read this post. But I think being bipolar for most of my life, well...you aren't ever just one person are you? I don't know if there's a heart of me that's JUST TEDDY (although I imagine some people--even on here--would say that they know that person, the real Teddy). I don't have anything to add, just that I recently got off atypical anti-psychotics, too, and at first I experienced this huge burst of oh my god, I'm not so ANGRY, I'm not so IRRATIONAL, I'm not so FAT. Actually, I'm still fat, but I have lost 10 lbs. in two months so that's good. I was on Topamax before the Seroquel so I've spent my my children's entire childhood just being, I don't know...it's been hard on all of us. It's been hard. And I know they probably want their mom back, the one who played with them and gave them lots of kisses and hugs. I feel like I'm still in detox, like I am still stuck in mud. But everything everyone has said on here is great advice, stuff I've been encouraged to do (though also been warned not to expect too much out of myself). Like Gizmo, I used to do amazing crafts (I made jewelry) and now I can stand in front of all those beads and all those tools and just feel like a three year old...where do I start? Both my kids start school on Monday (they're young--6 and 4) and this will be the first time they're both in school full time so I am slowly but surely beginning to do things that may get my brain back, not to mention the other parts of me that matter so much, the parts that make up the REAL Teddy. I hope this post is relevant. I have a nasty head cold and have just taken my depakote, klonipin, and some dayquil.
  14. In my experience, Wellbutrin can be both best friend and worst enemy. It has helped me when I was in a retractable depression (as have Cymbalta and Effexor) but if I stay on it too long (and who can judge that?) I can suddenly turn into a manic/rage bitch. So my answer is yes, Wellbutrin makes some people "hyper." I don't know what your diagnosis is so without more details I can't comment more than that.
  15. Thank you for your encouragement, Antigone. It always makes things so much better. I wasn't insulted, YetAgain, I promise. I would say something. All the advice is good. To be honest, even though my husband said, "This is it. It's done," I don't know that he means it. If his parents came to him and apologized, I'm sure he'd accept their apology. After all, they're his parents and I wish we could just have peace between all of us but I don't know what to say. If we knew the answer to finding peace with these people, we would have done it years ago. But it comes to the point where, do you keep sitting around and listening to people verbally abuse you and the people you love or do you just say fuck you, even if it means your kids grandparents have to get knocked off the pedestal. (Sorry, Gizmo, that's not a dig.) I just feel like they're going to break their heart, why not get it over with? But at this time, I just am so tired of all this, actually. I don't even have any anger left (at last not right now, haha). And I think I've got a good idea of what to tell my kids IF they ask. I doubt Ryan and I will mention them so it's possible the kids will just eventually kind of let it go. It'll take about half a year and they'll REMEMBER them but eventually they'll get that g-parents are not a part of our lives. I want the kids to ask because I don't want them to be left wondering but at the same time, I don't want to say anything that would make my kids think that they'd done anything wrong. This post is all over the place. I have a nasty summer head cold. And my husband is seeing a cardiologist today so on top of my nasty MIL, my husband has some health concerns and I've got the momentum and motivation of a sack of potatoes. Plus my kids don't start school until next Monday so I'm seriously lacking in entertainment options.
  16. Oh, I wasn't planning on saying the in-laws were assholes in front of the kids. That would make me like them and I'm WAY better than them! I like the idea, "We're not sure when," considering they're so young. If they keep asking, (and Owen has a tendency to keep asking), I think I might just say, "Grandma and Grandpa are working through a lot of stuff but they are okay and they love you." That kind of makes it clear it's GRANDPA AND GRANDMA who are having problems and has NOTHING to do with Owen and Kara. I don't want my kids to feel like they did something wrong. We have already had to tell them once before that G-parents had said some not nice things to Daddy and Daddy and G-parents were working it out and for them not to worry. They were pushing for answers. And this has been going on for months. My husband just finally had enough. He said "it's over. I'm done with them." So as much as I may want to badmouth my in-laws, I didn't make these decisions. These were decisions made by my in-laws and my husband and I think my husband did the right thing and about time. How long can you listen to your parents talk bad about your wife before you have to choose which one is right or whatever? I don't know, actually. I'm just glad my husband chose me. I can't imagine what this must be like for him.
  17. Back when I trusted my in-laws, I sometimes wrote emails and shared with my mother in law the difficulties I had with being a mother. In 2009, I had a suicide attempt and I apparently left a note, which she has kept, along with all the emails, all these years. She and my FIL are now using this info against me, saying that I am troubled and that the children are neglected and I have my husband by the balls. *Sigh* The bottom line is they hate me and they talk shit about me to my husband and my husband said he wanted them to come to our house instead of him taking the kids over there because he felt *I* deserved to have these people who hate me so much face me on my own turf, which was super manly and grownup of him. They basically said no, that they needed an explanation. When my husband wouldn't be "forthcoming," she emailed me. (Which she does all the time when she can't get him to talk to her. So she gets to talk trash about me but then email me when her own son won't acknowledge her). OKAY. THIS IS NOT A PLACE FOR ME TO VENT. I HAVE A REAL PROBLEM. My husband finally told me to reply to her. For about two plus years, he's kept encouraging me, just stay away from them, don't try talking to them because he felt his parents were just jerks no matter how nice (or not nice I was, though in my defense, it's been awhile since I was not nice). So I replied to her. And she replied back that I was deeply troubled, had my husband by the balls, and GOD HELP OWEN AND KARA AND RYAN. My husband said, "I guess this is it. It's done and over." So my question to you guys--how do we tell our four year old and our six year old that it will be a long time (if ever) before they see Grandpa and Grandma again because said grandparents are hateful, spiteful, and vindictive, without saying THAT. In other words, how do I tell my kids their grandparents refuse to see them?
  18. I promise I will read the books, VE. *big heavy sigh* You're a good friend. Thanks for pushing me.
  19. What she said. This is what I do for a living. If I had a full time job, I couldn't do what it takes to keep this thing running. It's true that a lot of the time I'm able to coast on a couple hours of work a day but from time to time a problem comes up, either technical or social, that requires my immediate attention for an extended period of time. I make well below the poverty level. Until this fundraiser we'd been sleeping on a bed with no sheets because the old ones got ripped up and we couldn't afford to get new bedding, not that we don't fritter money away like everyone else. Anyway, yeah, $5 donations are wonderful, $100 ones a fucking awesome. Add shit like sheets to your amazon wishlist, dude. I check that regularly. (Your wishlist.) Or give me your address and I'll mail you nice sheets. Be not afraid to ask. I'm not rich but we often have stuff to give even when we don't have money.
  20. It's okay to ramble. Owen is the opposite actually but it can still be hard to listen to his words rather than his facial expressions or "emotional cues" because often they have nothing to do with the other. He's freaking out and screaming "go away" and for the longest time we would say, "YOU go away. Go upstairs and calm down," and finally I said to Ryan, "Why don't we just go away??? How fucking hard is it to just do what he's asking?" Or he'll be upset and he'll be arguing with us and we (dumb) try to argue back with our superior logical skills (I'm being sarcastic) and he would scream "SHUT UP!" and we'd get pissed at his "disrespect," and finally I said to my husband, "Why don't we just shut up?? So what if he keeps ACTING like he's engaging us? Just because HE'S talking doesn't mean he wants us to and maybe we just need to back off." As y'all can tell, I don't know how to quote multiple posts so one day when I learn this, you won't read nine posts in a row from me.
  21. It will depend on the child "Why, a four year old child could understand this. Run out and get me a four year old child, I can't ]make head or tail out of it." Groucho Marx, Duck Soup. A personal favourite book is "All Cats have Asperger's" Useful for kids, but it also slips in under the radar of a lot of adults who wouldn't take too well to a more formally "instructional" book. It slips in an awful lot of good information as captions to pictures of cute cats. I keep this on file as my basic description of Autism, and modify it for particular settings. --- Autism, of which Asperger's syndrome is a subdivision, is a largely genetically determined condition. At core it is having a brain wired significantly differently from the statistic norm, producing differences in both perception and in thought-processing. What’s it like having Autism? It's difficult to be specific as we vary. Massively. Pick your Autism, almost. Some of us have very marked hypersensitivities: to touch (including clothing), sound, light, movement, taste... Others have none of these. Some can speak well and handle non-literal language, others have marked difficulty understanding and producing speech, especially in handling non-literal terms. "It's raining cats and dogs". Some are completely non-verbal Some are quiet and withdrawn, others loud and angry. Perhaps even both, varying with circumstance. We can walk normally or have significant balance and movement issues. We can show traits of flapping, rocking, spinning ("stims", to meet sensory or emotional needs) Or we may not. Many of us have trouble doing eye contact the way most other people do. But some of us don't Very few of us actually have outstanding savant talents. (about 1:400, but you wouldn't get that from Hollywood or magazine articles.) We can have special interests and obsessions that eat up our time and stop us doing anything productive. Or the same focus and dedication can take us to the top of our chosen specialist career. (Others don't have the trait so markedly.) From the above we might be obsessed by fashion and clothes, or utterly disinterested in such if it wasn't in our particular world-view of "interesting." Mostly we prefer our own familiar worlds to the bigger, strange, confusing one called "society" But that's a mostly, not an always. We can seem distracted or unobservant to others due to us noticing both too much and too little. (Missing social cues, seeing floods of details) And be held to have inappropriate emotions because compared to an average we tend to feel both too much and too little. You won't get us to fit in one tidy box or pigeon hole. Except by forcing. Me, I have a good solid case of Asperger's syndrome." I wish there was a "like" function for posts. This was awesome. Also the person (sorry, if I scroll back to find your name I'll lose my train of thought) who said, "we're not so much on the spectrum as 'bits' of us are on the spectrum." Owen is not rigid in his "special interests" (unless you count electronic devices from vacuums to humidifiers to fans to computers) but is VERY rigid when he's talking about something. He will NOT be dissuaded. And he will ask and ask and ask until he is an expert in whatever he was asking (for example, the difference between neurotoxins and hemotoxins and what they do to the body). He does have catastrophic thinking and he has difficulty with "theory of mind" but he's extremely empathetic and sensitive. There's more but I'm being demanded to make food for my kids. Ah, the joys of motherhood.
  22. This can actually be quite difficult for us, as I have BPI. Didn't ask to get it, didn't ask to get a kid with autism. So we do our best but I would say that there's been a lot of chaos. We just try to be "stable" as much as possible, even when I feel like crawling into bed and not coming out. I'ts more chaotic in the summer, when my husband is home.
  23. Everything you said it spot on. We wanted to homeschool/unschool Owen but I have BP1 and I just cannot. I feel like I am THROWING him on the mercy of the public school system but right now that is the option that works for us. The Montessori people around here (San Antonio) all seemed highly uninterested in my possibly autistic/BP/ADHD kid. I think they wanted "normal" kids. I asked myself one day what would be "good enough" with Owen and I realized that if he could just learn to read, I would totally "unschool" him. He could read his way through life, much like his father and I did. Antigone, I too, struggle with making sure my husband doesn't punish him for stuff that's clearly not his fault. As I've already mentioned before, my husband is kissing the spectrum himself and I see him struggling with that rigid/catastrophic/rule-bound thinking. He's quite capable of feeling empathy (as is Owen) unless it interferes with what HE wants (which is often and also much like Owen). It is very easy to look at Owen and see a brat or a spoiled child or a child so willful that nothing can "break" him. Until you start reading about ASD and what really is going on. I am having to educate myself and my husband at the same time. Despite how negative this sounds about my husband, I do believe he does his best and I realize now (and have let go of the resentment I've had for years) that I have to be the one who does everything and Ryan just gets the cliff's notes. I've been reading and online for three hours now. Every day I spend 3-4 hours just LEARNING about ASD, learning about what he needs to succeed in school, going over this thread, etc. It's exhausting. To top it off, I already deal with BPI myself. In all honesty, I will be glad when he goes to school. I think the routine will be what we all need and he may do well. He may not. We're doing everything we can to make sure he does well but if he fails, it won't be because he's not good enough. We'll just have to try something else.
  24. I didn't shower today and I feel gross and I'm not that depressed. My husband would say, "Get in the shower, you'll feel better," but I tell him I can't, like I literally can't make myself. Once I stopped working/going to school and especially after I became a mother, I would almost always do some kind of bathing/cleaning every 2 to 3 days. I used to have really good dental hygiene too but kids can knock that right out of you. I have to change my clothes every day, though. And now that I am nearing forty and am (so my mother says) entering the pre-menopause state, I find that I have to deoderize certain parts of my body to keep the stink away. But I can't WAIT until they make one of those sonic showers like in sci-fi movies where you step in and magic lasers get all the grody off of you. I'm totally with Para...it's just such a hassle. Like right now I'm dry and I'm dirty so I'm uncomfortable but if I take a shower I'm gonna be wet and have to dry off and put lotion on because I have dry skin and so forth and so on. It makes me sound lazy and I'm not really. I just really hate showering. (Strangely, I don't hate swimming. WTF?) Oh, and my hair gets greasy when I don't shower and I would give $1000 to know what it was that the nurse washed my hair with (WITHOUT WATER) during one of my psyche hospital stays. She gave me a sponge bath and she did something to my hair that got the grease out WITHOUT WATER. She was a magic nurse. I wish she lived in my house.
  25. I agree with the general consensus...if you just feel like you can't move then it's not laziness. The symptoms of depression include a low sense of self-worth, guilt, etc. So you're already feeling like crap about yourself. It's easy to tell yourself you're lazy when you're depressed because the depression tricks you into thinking the worse about yourself in addition to sucking all the energy and mojo from your body. Also, I agree with everyone who says lazy implies you're putting off important stuff in order to have fun. If you're not having fun, trust me, you're depressed. My therapist gave me the "Four Things I HAVE to do today" rule. Write down four things you HAVE to do today. (Or maybe just one when you're in the darkest depths of hell.) Then you ONLY DO THOSE FOUR THINGS. I have two kids so my four things might be something like, "Put on a bra and get kids to school. Call therapist. Make food/drinks easily accessible to kids (so I don't have to get it for them). Pick kids up from school." Then that's it. If doing the dishes isn't on my list, I don't do it. If making dinner isn't on my list then I don't do it. I don't put any pressure on myself to do more than those four things. It can be hard to pick the four things; we really have been culturally brainwashed into believing it's not enough just to be productive, we have to be SUPER-PRODUCTIVE. It can be hard to give yourself permission to pick four easy things but keep in mind they need to be the most IMPORTANT things. Do my kids need to be fed? Yes. Do they need to go to school? Yes. Do I need to keep up with my therapist? Yes. Everything else can be put off until I feel better. I also agree, though, that laziness can become a habit once the depression has lifted. This happened to me last summer and then I went through mania/depression/mixed state/depression and now I'm finally coming a little bit out of the most recent depression. I get up and the first thing I DON'T do is sit back down. Even if I just walk back and forth while I drink my coffee, that's what I do. I also walk outside at least once a day. I stand in the yard and let myself be blinded by the sun (I live in South Texas so I am roasted AND blinded) and I do this for maybe four minutes and then go back in. If I do end up sitting back down on the couch/in my chair in my pajamas, I check the clock and after 30 minutes I get up. I go talk to my husband for a minute or my kids or pet the dogs. Maybe I take a clorox wipe and wipe off the countertop. It's just really small steps. I'm gonna do this one thing and then I'm gonna sit and do nothing for 30 minutes and then I will get up and do one other thing, even if that one other thing is simply to walk to the back door and open it and stick my head out and then go sit back down.
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