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existential_dancer

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  1. @ Vapourware For one thing, you clearly did not read my comment, because I explained point-blank how Jung relates to all of this. Ie, INNATE SENSITIVENESS. Google it. You also clearly missed that there IS scientific rationale behind the concept of the HSP. The biological systems of some animals have been shown to be more susceptible to outside stimuli. Humans are animals, too. And, WRONG, not all people can fit it. And nobody is running around diagnosing it, so I simply don't see how that point is at all relevant. Not only that, but if you had actually read what I said you would have seen that for one, I am on Lithium, and it works for me. BUT, I went through six different expensive drugs and consistent misinformation on Lithium to figure that out, when LIthium has been shown to have the highest efficacy rate for the treatment of mood disorders and severe depression. Look at the evidence, and follow it to its logical conclusion which is that doctors, no matter what you WANT to tell yourself, do not always have your best interests at heart. I've found a quality pdoc that does, but it took me several tries and now I am better for it. However, if all pdocs were like my current pdoc, the world would be a lot easier for someone with a mood disorder who does, as you said, need medication. I currently take my Lithium every day without regrets, and even lost eight pounds on it in two weeks. Not only that, but I have my outgoing personality that my friends missed on other meds. I'm young and have a lot to give, and so would not prefer to sit on my couch drooling and brain-dead because I literally can't move (That's happened, and yeah I'm angry about it). Lastly, the people who have written about the HSP condition are highly qualified experts in their field. i love how some of you started visiting highly irrelevant websites filled with regurgitation from other actual experts such as Dr. Susan Biali, MD (<---------------------- MD!!!!! We live in a credential society, obviously) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201105/top-10-survival-tips-the-highly-sensitive-person-hsp And while it may mean boundary issues are a concern, at least I see the beauty in life to an affective degree and actually care that society is falling apart. At least I'm not apathetic. So go ahead, pathologize me. It's not going to change anything. @Titania It's true, the traits do hijack your life. I've gotten a lot better at not responding to every little bit of emotional stimulus, and medicine doesn't do that (Disclaimer for those who don't read, I TAKE my medicine). Therapy does. Distress tolerance training does. Exercise and dance do. I just wish that people on here knew that they don't have to be numbed up to get better. I don't understand why it's so taboo to say so. I'm on plenty of medication, but feeling all the way better involved finding or re-finding external outlets. Compassion is a trait that is not as valued by society; Researchers have found that the proportion of sociopaths in the world of CEOs is consistently higher. Why? Because they can fire thousands of people without remorse. People who care less about other people get more places. How sad. And so those of us who care about social justice and other issues are forced to learn how to be more hardy and steadfast to get by. So shoot me, I'm honest. I hate to be disagreeable, but this thread touched on some issues that I feel very strongly about. Not only that, but the implication that "anybody" can fit this is just clearly so false. For example, not everybody gets the Lamictal rash on 25mg, and responds with a near mental break on 1g of mushrooms (Most people take AT LEAST 3g). It's scientific, not subjective.
  2. Oooook, honestly. Reading these replies is sort of really pissing me off. Why? Because: HSP is not a mental disorder, and no credible person seems to have said that it is. It's a set of distinct personality traits, arranged into a grouping that is sensibly labeled "HSP. It's legitimate. I've fit every single one of those traits since I was a young girl, and you know what? I may have bipolar disorder, but I'm a PROUD HSP. I don't say it to garner sympathy or establish myself as a "special" person, I say it because it helps to explain who I am. Because I am an HSP, I have had to work hard to put up healthy, cleansing walls whereas before I would have been affected by other people's problems and emotions. I'm so sensitive that when I read about Rosemary Kennedy being rejected by her family, I literally could not control that I started crying, because I felt a surge of sadness for her condition and who she was... EVEN THOUGH SHE DIED SIX YEARS AGO AT 81, and her prefrontal lobotomy was performed in the 40s. This world is not set up for HSPs; we have to teach ourselves tough skin. The difference between HSPs and everyone else is that the sadness and destruction of the world, even if it has nothing to do with us, actually affects us on a very deep level. I've personally had weeks where a friend's life situation has reached beneath my skin and made me feel very sad. Most people, even those with mental illness, do not naturally react that strongly to a downtrodden friend. People will tell me, "but you have to take care of yourself first". I literally can't help it, though. Also, music will consistently move me to tears, no matter if I'm driving in the car to a major performance or to class, or even at the gym while running. Over half the time it's because it makes me indescribably happy. Same with a good burger or strong, pleasant smells. The problem, perhaps, is that you would have to be an HSP to understand and empathize with what I'm talking about. My close male friend is also a self-professed HSP. The Lithium I take will never change it; I have had to work hard in therapy to accept that it is a potentially positive trait that will, unfortunately, make me susceptible to bouts of rumination over, as well as nearly unhealthy concern for, social justice issues that have nothing to do with me. Not only that, but it makes the word "trigger" that much broader. ALSO, do ANY of you happen to read Carl Jung? You know, the father of Jungian psychology(sarcasm, sorry)... He coined the trait "innate sensitiveness", and noted that this same trait has been found in animals. Also, the notion that you have to be a pdoc to write about psychology and consciousness is absolutely false. I don't know what you have been smoking, but I know plenty of non-pdocs who would be able to tell you much more about biological mechanisms in the brain and their relationship with behavioral outcomes. You get a PhD, and you've taken classes on BioPsych. So they're not distributing medications that a large pharmaceutical industry is shoving down your throat while throwing money at the pdoc. WHO CARES. They know what they're doing, and they care/know enough to explain themselves to you! THINK ABOUT WHO IS GIVING YOU YOUR MEDICATIONS. They give them to you BECAUSE THEY WANT MONEY. THEY GET PAID FOR IT. Lithium is given a bad name because they don't make anything from it, perhaps pennies. So nothing. -End of rant-
  3. It took me two years to accept my initial BP Diagnosis. I knew that the symptoms matched up, but the implications I was unwilling to accept. I thought that there must be another treatment that would make it all go away, besides medication. So I tried a series of methods for making my symptoms disappear. The only problem was, my motivation for trying non-medicinal treatments was contingent upon my mood states, if that makes any sense. Therefore, even if I was in therapy talking about my real-life problems and how to change invasive thoughts, my perspective of the problem would depend on my mood state. If I was depressed, I couldn't talk much, much less go for a run or take care of myself. Learning through trial-and-error that Lithium can even out my moods indefinitely, that actually helped. It helped a lot, in fact. Right now I am probably the most stressed out I've been in years and somehow I'm not breaking down (*crosses fingers*, the Lithium does not take away all of my superstitious thinking ). If I had completed the college application process before, I would have fallen apart. Instead, I'm practically growing from it.
  4. I'm not going to go on and on about how I had to learn the hard way how helpful consistent medication can be in the long-run. But first of all, I'm sure that your therapist is only trying to give you the best possible care if you have been with him for that long. It's one thing to know that a medication is not right for you and then advocate for yourself, but it is an entirely different thing to simply forget to take your medicine. IF your medicine is working for you and you simply don't take it sometimes, that is not ok. He's probably just trying to hammer home the message. I understand what it means to be sensitive, but you honestly just have to take care of yourself by taking your meds. Nobody else can do it for you. Express that you feel the way you do, and I'm sure he will tell you that he's not trying to make you feel that way at all. If anything, he's simply trying to help in the best possible ways: By being there for you through the thick & thin of everything and by encouraging you to take your meds. Put together a self-care bag. Don't leave the pills at the house, keep them in a bag. I bought a large, Tignanello leather $110 bag that was on sale for $40. I already have a purse, this was a complete impulse buy. It's real cute. You want to know what I have stored in there? Lithium, a hairbrush, a hair straightener, food-based vitamins, and fish oil supplements. I zip the bag up and carry it with me everywhere I go, and will leave it in the car if I am in class or at work or something. A cute, inconspicuous bag That way, even if I forget first thing in the morning, I slip into the bathroom and take it wherever I am.
  5. I feel this way right now, more than ever. I wish to be like other people, but don't feel that is going to be a reality. What is there to do, you know? I honestly don't know what to do. I've felt forever and ever like throwing back a whole bottle and letting that be that, but something keeps me going. I have no idea what that is.
  6. Firstly, thank you for your advice... Secondly, I got my first blood test at three weeks and have yet to see the doctor for a potential increase. This past week has been tough, what with applying to colleges and obsessing over the applications. I guess the stress of that kind of threw me into a loop of more perfectionism than I usually deal with. I stayed up for three days straight wired on adrenaline working on my essays. It's true, perfectionism has driven me crazy, but it's also driven me to do better in my life. I actually told my boss today that I can't work Monday afternoons, and she can just deal with it. Titania - I agree with you, but I live in a competitive college town where you are only worth something if your ACT scores are high or you are on track to become a doctor or a lawyer, or if you are a hipster/scene kid. It's a large research university town where everyone comes from money, and if you come from any kind of background that is different you have to strive to fit in. That is one reason I feel like I have to get out of here. I mean, a high-end degree is my way out. I know that my view of the world makes me unhappy, but it also pushes me forward to work to get to a better place where I can be happy with my worldview in tow. Right now, I am not in a place where I can function well. My mother depresses me more than anything... She sits around the house all day and never leaves, and has no appreciation of any music, art, food or adventure no matter how much I try to at least have her see the beauty that my friends and I see. My parents also don't understand social justice angst. I mean, seriously, what with the Penn State riots and Occupy Wall Street and the bourgeoisie controlling our value systems... ? Am I supposed to ignore all of that and become aloof? I don't see how I can change myself in a way that will keep me "me" and also allow me to be genuinely content with something. At my best, I live for the moment, as I am a Buddhist who has taken vows, but when I slip I really abandon ship sometimes. :/
  7. Recently, despite the fact that I've been on 600 mg of Lithium Carbonate ER / day for a month now, I've worsened again to the point where I obsess about death and self-injury, and nearly feel that self-injury and suicide are inevitable... that it's just a matter of when. I always find little things, and I mean little things, to give me a reason to say, go to class the next day. Example: My drama instructor told me to tell her ahead of time if the project would be too much, and I assumed it wouldn't be but the problem is that it's not the project. It's my life that's too much. I'm in only three (four if you count yoga) classes right now and I have a 25 hour per week job, and I guess I want to see if I get into certain schools that I'm planning on applying to. If I failed an attempt, I would probably have the unfortunate outcome of being stuck in a hospital and overmedicated - again. I hate how most doctors overmedicate. Really, that's why I ended up in this situation in the first place. The doctors I have right now are great, but the medicine is not helping the way I thought it would. I feel ugly, mismanaged, fat (I know I'm not "fat", but I may as well be because I'm not as skinny as I should be), worthless and wish that I were knocked out for a week so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything. I don't put myself together the way I used to (straighten my hair, take careful care of my eyebrows, those little things that girls do), and sometimes I wear the same clothes for days at a time (Disgusting I know). Last night I got off work at 1 am and then flipped out and couldn't sleep until 5. Now I have to go into work again and my bottle of lithium is close at hand - I wish I could just take the whole bottle. But I'm too much of a pussy, so I'll probably wind up cutting. I know that in two weeks I'll hate myself for having done that, but right now I feel like it would be the only way out,of my sense of helplessness. That's what sucks about knowing the mechanism of self-injury - it's the only quick-fix. Smoking pot doesn't even do it anymore, every time I smoke it now I just wind up feeling depressed and even more worthless, so I haven't for a long time. I have a job but the paychecks are always late and I'm always broke - I need a second job. Meanwhile, I feel like there is literally nobody that I can depend on without burdening them. People will tell you that they are always there for you when you're well, but as soon as you aren't well you can see the people around you backing off. They would never say it, but you can feel it. I hate driving, resent it, but have to drive to school every day. I've been living with my parents, and that certainly hasn't helped. I become wrapped up in how messed up the world is. Even when my life is ok, the world is never ok. America is overrun with the elitist and trashy and I don't know a foreign language and I don't have any money, so I can't leave. Everything worth living for is owned by the upper-class and the people who inherit their wealth, and I want to get a PhD but how am I going to afford that? How will I pay for it? I feel suffocated and worthless, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I haven't always been like this, but somehow I always come back to feeling this way. What am I doing wrong??? How am I supposed to work against all of these negative forces to not inevitably do away with myself? DBT is not helping, and I can't even go anymore because of my job. What am I supposed to do.
  8. Oh, I do. I definitely do. I'm with you here. I'm also guessing that I'm around your age. I resent it because for one, as much as I have had problems within myself, I know that I am a quintessentially nice person who values others and tries her best to be stable. Why have I been persistent in going to the pdoc and a therapist? Well, I want so badly to be normal. I mean, the thing is that hallucinations and delusions are all within the self, but once those are corrected and a person is making their best efforts to be well, being called crazy is hurtful because of all the legitimate efforts made to be normal. Additionally, there are technically functional individuals in society who may not hallucinate, but are mean-spirited and purely selfish for no reason - is this not the essence of "crazy" dysfunction? Secondly, consider for one second how insane our society is. Instead of valuing happiness, most people are taught to collectively condone greed and the pointless accumulation of massive amounts of wealth and material objects - that cannot be a good start. My friend recently slipped a very clever remark into a paper: "If we cannot celebrate harmless differences within the individual and instead celebrate dysfunctional values, we as a society have a mental illness".
  9. Knowing that your friend is not speaking in the first-person, but is actually speaking about a family member, probably puts her somewhat insensitive comment in perspective. I feel like she would be less inclined to make it seem like a contest if it was more self-centered. I say this because I feel that I've been guilty of a similar charge of becoming secretly angry that people don't understand how difficult it had been living with my autistic brother (Long-winded). I myself have struggled with BP I symptoms for much of my life, and I know how difficult it can be ESPECIALLY considering that much of the population has so much misinformation concerning the reality of dealing with BP in the first-person. I feel like the stigma of BP crunches us like numbers into the categories of varying degrees of "difficult". To society, we aren't "high-spirited" and "down in the dumps", we're just "temperamental". As in, "Ok so you're bipolar... When are you going to snap or go ape-shit on me? Any minute now right?" The revelation risks sending people running. The worst is that when we are the most vulnerable within the course of the disease and need the most interpersonal support, it is then that we are at the greatest risk of really scaring people away. Your friend probably only has knowledge of symptoms from an objective perspective, and it is true that schizophrenia generally produces the most true dysfunction. Within BP you can leave reality, but schizophrenia is all about a self distancing itself from reality. So although I wasn't present to observe the tone of your friend's remark, I am just guessing that she has volatile emotions surrounding this news. Even recently, I learned from my parents that my brother, after having been hospitalized after a psychotic break, was deemed highly intelligent by pdocs in the hospital but also so socially disabled that he is considered disabled by the state and will have to live in a group home. I mean, this is an 18-year old kid who at 14 inserted his feces into my soap bottle when I was 16, pulled a knife on my dad and punched holes in many areas in my parent's home. I was highly affected by his actions, and my parent's marriage took a beating from his selfish behaviors. Unfortunately, he is terminally selfish inside of his illness and there are only a few friends who know anything about him, because I'm ashamed. I used to be chronically frustrated, but instead I feel numbed to it. I lived far away in New York City and hadn't lived with my parents for years, but the news still feels relevant. He is family, after all. I'm sure your friend is just more sensitive to it because it's a family matter.
  10. Hey there - I just wanted to jump in and say that maybe Seroquel is not the medication for you, BUT that does not mean there is not a better medication out there. If I can find my ideal med, you can too. Here is my story, with all medicines & conditions highlighted: In high school, I suffered from terrible mood swings, while my brother's mental disability also took its toll on our entire family (He would fly into rages at mild provocations, and my parents fought all the time). The worst was the depression. Finally, I saw someone and was diagnosed with BP 1. It took me a lot to accept that if I am going to be functional, I need to be on medication and in therapy. I was on Seroquel this past winter, which knocked me out and left me feeling dazed and loopy all the time. Then I went off of medications for a long time, until this summer I was hospitalized. They put me on Risperdal and Trileptal, which made me feel better temporarily, but one day of not taking it when I ran out led me to a freak-out. My roommate dragged me into the ER again, where they put me on MORE of the same except I developed high levels of Prolactin (Code for pregnant boobs, very disconcerting). They took me off of the Risperdal, and then that left the Trileptal. That was not working at all, so my doctor put me on Geodon. That didn't work at all and made me feel like an absolute zombie, so they put me on Abilify and Lamictal. I then got the dreaded Lamictal rash on 25 mg of the stuff. After that I was only on Abilify, and I felt incredibly suicidal, gutted and depressed so I weaned myself off of it figuring that it was actually hurting more than it was helping. Indeed, I felt better finally being back in school but still had majorly fluctuating moods and little motivation to chase any dreams that had streaked through my head while in hypomania. Through all of this, I was hardly able to accomplish anything, smoked pot and cigarettes just to feel something, and was in an IOP program three nights a week. FINALLY, my pdoc put me on Lithium. I no longer feel suicidal, quit cigarettes completely and limit myself to pot once a week at most, I have energy and creativity, I run 30+ miles per week (Ran cross-country competitively in high school but had lost interest a few years back) and do yoga & take dance classes, I read again, I volunteer a few times per week & hold down a job. On top of that, I recently figured out which college I will be attending this next fall, studying philosophy, psychology and gender studies after having been at a community college for around two years. Mind you, without the Lithium I would not have been able to start to do any of these things.. You may say that you are afraid of it (The Lithium), but God do I wish someone had put me on it sooner. I feel like people treat it as the Voldemort of psychopharmocology, but it's a simple compound with the least amount of adverse side effects and it is, according to my pdoc, the darling of suicide prevention. After all of that strife, something finally finally finally finally worked! ...I have no idea why I just typed up my WHOLE life story... I guess slight sleeplessness can bring you into such a state of mind? lol. Excuses... I was bored ok?
  11. AHHH: A place to gush about pets. My parents have two mini schnauzers, one of which I cuddle with on the couch when my mom is not around to yell at me about his being up there or being out of his crate late at night . It's so cute, he's a compulsive licker and will literally lay down in front of me so that we are basically spooning LOL.
  12. You are misunderstanding me: I was giving an example of previous UNcasual, BEYOND casual drinking. Obviously. Also, overstepping my limits would entail going beyond a strong buzz. Only an individual can set his-her own limits... not someone on a forum. Also, what I meant is that "casual drinking" can easily become habitual drinking. Casual drinking means drinking for no reason, or just to drink, ie NOT light to moderate social drinking.
  13. Since going on Lithium, my tolerance has indeed been diminished. The knowledge that it interferes with my meds makes me conscientious about having more than a few drinks per week, but let's just say that when I do drink, I do enjoy it AND getting drunk takes less of my hard-earned money. On the other hand, I will only drink if I am in the RIGHT setting, and I never overstep my limits. For example, if I know that I'm going out dancing, or if I'm in a bar with my friends on the weekend, I will drink for a strong buzz beforehand. But any casual drinking is absolutely off limits, because drinking at all can be risky. I mean, I've previously had instability get carried off the edge as a result of my drinking... Waking up with five "injuries" I couldn't remember making when I get blackout drunk at a breakfast party (Before I was hospitalized).
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