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About xlosersclub

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    music, mental health and disability advocacy

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  1. When I was 18 i was sent to an IOP for marijuana use by my probation officer after getting arrested while dealing.. I am and always been a heavy marijuana user and am most definitely dependent on it. If I lose my stash or run out, I will literally cry and throw a temper tantrum. At first I was very oppositional towards treatment, but after having to write and tell my "life story" in treatment, I realized what my life had turned into because of smoking weed. Dealing, prostitution, getting arrested, losing all my friends.... Being so compulsive because of my mental illness made the drug use worse.. my addictive personality made it harder to stop.. I stayed clean for bout 6 months and have back to using worse than ever, but have recently considered using hypnosis to try to stop smoking. It is taking a toll on my health (fainting, lethargic, etc.) and I also know that even though it temporarily relieves my anxiety I get so anxious when I cant have it that it's really bad for my mental health... Consider a good IOP or maybe even try hypnosis - I have heard good things. Good luck
  2. Not only do I suffer from BPD and really bad depression, I manage group homes for people with developmental disabilities in NJ. Recently, our agency has been expanding into the mental illness field and I am having a very difficult time helping one young woman who suffers from the most severe case of BPD I could ever imagine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia in the past but those were definitely things she made up. She also suffers from a cognitive impairment, so she does not have the functional coping skills that people with average IQ have. She is also deaf, but wears hearing aids, speaks ASL, and reads lips. Her impulsive, self destructive behavior (such as having unprotected sex during breaks, jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend to girlfriend, violent outbursts that I myself have been a victim of) has gotten her kicked out of 2 day programs so far. Those programs did not provide the intense 1:1 therapy she needs. After days and days of research, I have yet to find a program for her that can treat both her mental illness AND her cognitive impairment... this is a sad sad case, and I am trying to be a role model for her by sharing my similar feelings and experiences but it's hard when I myself have been suicidal and wanting to leave my job and file for disability myself... This is just a sad situation that I thought some people might have some thoughts to share on the subject.
  3. What is crazy? Crazy is as crazy does. They say everyone is a little bit crazy, so what is normal, exactly? Webster’s definition of crazy says: mentally deranged; demented; insane. Mentally deranged. My mind is in disarray 95% of the time, trying to balance tasks at work or assignments for school. So if disarray is crazy, then who is normal? I guess it’s all in how we handle life’s situations, and what situations life throws at us. What makes us crazy? Is it in our genetics, our lovers, our jobs, ourselves? I wish I knew, but all I can do is speak from experience. I can’t say I’m “normal,” nor is my family. I’m just a girl that had to grow up too fast and now just wishes she could go back and be a child, and experience what a “normal” childhood was like. My first memory is wanting to grow up, to crave control and responsibility. “Mommy, am I three yet?! Am I three yet?!” I would run down the stairs almost every morning when I was two. I don’t remember much after that. I remember my babysitter threw a party at my house; I remember that the ceiling collapsed in the kitchen; I remember climbing into bed with my brother because his bed was more comfortable than mine. The things I cannot remember are the reason I’m writing this. So many men, woman, and children have experienced some kind of trauma in their lifetime, but I never looked at my life as traumatic. The times that should have been considered as such were my own fault. So I guess I should just start from the top. My mother, Patricia Ann ______. What can I say? She is an interesting woman. An eccentric woman with a near genius IQ with no common sense or empathy, the atheist artist RAISED IN Milwaukee, Wisconsin by a right wing, Lutheran family . My father, my everything, Stuart Henry ______, a man with much common sense without the book knowledge to make him the total package. He’s seen it all and shared it all with me. Some people say our relationship isn’t right, but after what we’ve been through, we’re all we’ve got. Then there’s Sam, like I am Sam. The most interesting, intriguing, but confusing people you’ll ever meet. Sam has Aspergers Syndrome, but does not let labels define him. He also has Oppositional Defiance disorder. If you say’s the sky is blue, he will insist that it is green, and then explain to you its green because of all the problems in space and the ozone. The smartest, but strangest person I have ever met. I always wanted to be a star. I always felt that I could do it all – act, sing, dance, play music – until I grew up and realized I was terrible at all of them. I think this started when I began playing violin in first grade. I felt superior to the rest, and achieved superiority, and felt entitled from that moment on. I knew I had something in me that was different from the rest – a little more profound, adult, grown up. I again achieved superiority in high school when I made the marching band in my freshman year, but let it go. Why? Because I was lazy. When it comes to the things I have experienced, I really don’t know where to begin. My drinking? My parents’ drinking? My drug use? My parents’ drug use? My low self-esteem? My overly-high self-esteem? Who am I? I am Emily aka Emilie Sarah ______, whatever that means.
  4. I found this combo very helpful for me: 200mg zoloft 300mg wellbutrin xl 5mg abilify 2mg xanax (twice daily)
  5. I am also young and have Borderline Personality Disorder and wonder the same thing to myself every day. My Pdoc tried uping my abilify from 2mg to 5mg and reducing sertraline from 200 to 150 because apparently the interaction of the two can case mania in bipolar or "bipolar-like mania." I started to feel a little more depressed so then he put me back on 200 of sertraline with the abilify and it seemed to be working... but then I gained 25 lbs and figured it was the abilify so he recently switched me to lamictal, but I'm still on a low dose so m not sure how its working yet... I feel more "empty" than usual but I am trying to give my meds more time to kick in.. maybe you should try to give it another month and if its still not working try a different combo.. like lowering the depakote and adding a better mood stabilizer
  6. Thanks for sharing your positive experience.. I am 22 as well, but my BF is 31 and we both want to have children soon. I recently thought I was pregnant and went into panic mode (taking multiple pregnancy tests per day, making myself sick, even withdrawing from the xanax which really threw me off). My therapist keeps telling me I shouldnt be focusing on having kids right now but I do want one... but sometimes I wonder if I want one to "lock in" my boyfriend so he wont leave me or if I really desire to have a child of my own? there's the BPD talking...
  7. Hey everyone, I thought I would start a topic about dealing with maintaining healthy love lives while coping with BPD, since it seems to be a difficult journey for me. Lucky for me, I have a great man by my side (for a little over a year now), but he is not familiar with mental illness (even though he is understanding). When we first started dating I had just started seeking treatment and had just recovered from being literally ABANDONED by my last boyfriend, so my man came into a real mess. At first when I was very depressed I would accuse him of not being supportive enough, not showing me enough affection, cheating, etc... After becoming a little more stable I realized I needed to educate him about mental illness - where it comes from, how it is treated, and how I personally deal with my emotions. Currently my illness is like a ghost that follows me around, that only I can see. I have had to teach myself how to trust him, after being abandoned by pretty much every other man I've had a relationship with (they probably got so fed up with my mood swings and were so scared of breaking up with me and me going crazy that they couldn't bear to do it face to face). Here are some things I've learned about myself and my BPD when it comes to dating: 1) I date men that have nothing going for them, because I feel it gives me more power in the relationship (especially when it comes to money. 2) I am intimidated by men that are "on my level" (career-wise, maturity level, etc) and run away. 3) I set my standards for physical attraction very high, even though I am not that attractive. 4) I don't get physical pleasure from sex - to me it is important in a relationship simply because I need to feel wanted and needed. 5) I never say no - when I was single I would have sex with any man (or men) that was handsome and showed interest (or paid me enough - yeah, I've been that impulsive). This goes for things such as giving gifts, lending money, and being taken advantage of. All in all, I'm scared that one day this relationship will fail due to my BPD and the way I tend to say things that are degrading (even though I may not mean them that way), and I also fear that I am settling for something less than what I really want because I feel I finally found a man who won't leave me (maybe he won't leave because of my big paycheck?). What are your experience with dating? Do any of you have the same dating traits as myself? Are successful relationships possible for someone with BPD? Will I ever be able to handle having children AND cope with my mental illness? So many questions... and I would love to hear you answers!
  8. I have the work blues too... When my big mouth (spouted from my Borderline brain) got me in big trouble at work, my MI had to be disclosed, and since I work in the field of social services (Developmental Disabilities/Dual Diagnosis) they were very understanding and asked me to fill out disability paperwork in order to keep my MI from losing my job - allowing me 12 weeks per year of medical leave. The MI was subtle enough to hide in public for about 2 years at this job before things started getting progressively worse and I started seeking treatment. Even though I am in treatment and my life is going remarkably well at the moment (from the outside), my depression is getting deeper and my Social Anxiety is starting to greatly effect my work performance. I don't want to request too much time off, even though I can, because I am a supervisor and people depend on me... I make it worse for blaming myself for being "lazy" when really its the depression making me not want to leave the house. I'm scared of getting fired, or losing credibility (and money) by taking an extended amount of time off (and i dont think staying home wallowing in self-pity will make things any better). I think my frontal lobe is finishing development, making these issues I've had since 9 years old much more severe than they ever were - I used to love my job and now I can't stand it.... I'm even debating filing for social security disability but I wouldn't be able to live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to. Hope I could be somewhat helpful, and any other advice for me would be appreciated.
  9. I feel the same way, all the time. I gradually started cutting out friends one at a time, until even my own best friend was in the hospital and had to learn to walk again - I couldnt even leave the house to go see her at the rehab center - it ruined our friendship. I ignore phone calls from friends or aquaintences, usually because I feel that they are using me for something (I think being used in a prior relationship and my BPD effects this as well). Now it has gotten worse to the point that I dont even answer calls from work (I am an on-call supervisor of a home for people with disabilities - SOCIAL services). Social services has always been my field but now my social anxiety is keeping me from doing my essential job functions. sorry, now I'm venting.... but I do relate to you in every way and I've learned I cant force myself into situations because it causes more stress and anxiety, and all in all F**K my friends - I need to focus on myself, and if they're true friends they'll be there when I'm ready and able to come back to them.
  10. Hello everyone, I am a new member seeing a support system of knowledgeable people to help me learn to cope with day to day life living with my depression, anxiety, and BPD which are beginning to make my life unmanageable. I can put on a happy face when I interact but no one really understands how crazy thoughts could be running through my head. My illnesses are becoming disabling, no matter how much medication and counseling I get. I hope to meet some supportive and caring people and hopefully contribute some of my knowledge to help others on here.
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