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discomposed

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About discomposed

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    female
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    BC Canada

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  1. When I'm depressed I cry on a dime, over everything but also over nothing at all. Mild depression and I can control my crying, but the lower I go the less control I have, until I have none at all.
  2. I see my gdoc approximately once a month, more often if I'm seeming elevated, and my tdoc weekly with two to three two-week breaks in the year.
  3. I'm very much a recluse and, given the opportunity, would be even more of one. As it is, my mother takes me grocery shopping (otherwise I'd seriously go without), my doctor requires I visit him on a rather frequent basis compared to most so that I don't lose my ability to walk down the street and interact in the most basic of ways and insists that if I do not show up he will know I'm unwell and react accordingly, and I see my therapist weekly not just for the therapy itself but at times for no other reason than if I stop I know I will fall back into old habits. I used to be much more reclusive, not leaving the house at all some weeks and having to be dragged shopping once a month by my mother. I also used to not talk online. I run a forum and for years I didn't interact with the members, and when I did start interacting again it was only as related to board functions. Talking online is hard. Very hard. I don't have many posts here for a person that's been a member for almost four years, because talking to people generates a lot of anxiety and getting past that is often too difficult even with the anonymity that comes with talking on the internet. But I still try, and occasionally I beat that urge to throw up all my walls and hide away. And each time it gets a little bit easier. So I guess I'm saying, "it's hard but keep at it, don't give up!"
  4. I'm diagnosed with Anxiety NOS because my pdoc at the time didn't like having an Agoraphobia diagnosis and a Social Anxiety diagnosis together but didn't feel either one fit on its own. When depressed or baseline I struggle with leaving the home and being around others, can barely function in the world. When I'm elevated all of that anxiety disappears and while I don't seek out conversations with people, I become highly social with those I know or strangers who start talking to me first. The two definitely play with each other: the anxiety makes me more depressed, which makes the anxiety worse, which leads to more isolation leading to more depression... or vice versa, it's a bit chicken-and-egg at this point.
  5. Seeing my gdoc first time post-hospital, so much guilt on my part.
  6. Went to the mall to buy something from Walmart's pharmacy, ended up veering right on into Reitmans and buying a thin sweater with a hood and pockets for the purpose of smoking outside when it's mildly chilly but still too warm for a full sweater.
  7. I still don't know if it's the divalproex or my period fucking with me, but whichever it is I'd really appreciate if it would stop with the increasingly vivid suicidal thoughts and damn scary random mood swings, like tonight preferably at the exact moment that I submit this post. I'm scared enough about my post-hospital visit with my doctor without adding, "oh and I'm totally having a fuckton of suicidal thoughts" on top.
  8. Relieved that my new therapist doesn't seem like an ass, but also highly nervous - scared really - of seeing my gdoc tomorrow.
  9. Convinced mum to buy some things. I won on three of five items I threw in the cart while she was shopping in another store. Lamp shade, door hanger, and something else I can't remember what.
  10. I don't have schizophrenia and I'm too scared to leave the house for eleven months out of the year. The other month I apparently scare people with my agitation. One need not be schizophrenic in order to be incapable of leaving the home. It's not really so easy to compare disorders as better or worse by label alone.
  11. Lots of negative thoughts and suicidal thinking. Not sure if it's the divalproex or my period. Still have energy and had a fantastic morning/early afternoon. The suicidal thoughts started up again after forcing myself to nap to meet that "six hour sleep minimum" goal. The brain attack is making me majorly irritable and a real bitch to deal with. Totally exploded on my mother for something that's not at all her fault. The thoughts have been getting progressively worse over the last three days, from very vague to much less vague but without urginess. And now I'm angry. Oh bloody joy.
  12. That is an awesome idea! How will you get the colored pencils in the unit though without the staff knowing? Won't you be searched when you get there? Every single time I was IP I was searched/and bags searched every time I came back on the unit. I couldn't get away with anything. I hope you are able to get all colored pencils in without the staff knowing. How did your overnight pass go? My overnight pass went kind of poorly as far as the "night" part went, the higher dose of divalproex is making me mood-swingy so I ended up random-weeping for an hour and then I all stupidly decided that I was going to be strong and not take my PRN Loxapine for sleep so only got five hours and returned to the ward all giddy and excitable and the psychiatrist was all, "you need to try really hard to bring your outward excitement down just a notch because you look too excited, how often are you THIS excited?!". Neither the psychiatrist's resident nor myself were about to guess whether it was the divalproex or my period starting today or that I'm having that weird wobble I get before I actually crash, but needless to say my mood's kind of all over the place right now like ALL over the place. The staff kind of suck at charting here, like really 99% of the time they suck at charting things and just tick off the basic checkboxes without even checking if what they're checking is accurate (did they eat? YEP except no they didn't and their untouched tray on the cart would show it, for example; I actually ordered my medical records for a three year span a couple years ago and of all the charts across my four stays only two bothered to mention anything I'd told them or what they'd observed, those charts made me look very not-depressed on paper). I actually asked the mental health worker to store some of the pencil crayons in the office because when I brought in the pencil crayons we'd sharpened they filled two of those cardboard trays they use, and I separated them out so that each had at least one of each colour so now people can sit at either side of the table and be able to pull their tray close to search for specific shades. It was fantastic and everyone loved it, so I'm glad I did it and my mum's glad we did it and everyone else was happy to see the activity table all organized and made that little bit more fun. Hospitals here seem to vary in the level of searching and snooping they do. If you or a family member bring in bags of stuff, they're going to search them, but if you stick the pack of razors you bought in your pants they never end up searching your actual person. I'd had my cellphone on me the entire time I was there despite them taking it away initially, I just had them hand it over to my mum to take home and then had her give it to me when I showed her all the pictures I'd been colouring in my room. It then spent the rest of the time in my purse which they never searched, and I only used my phone in areas where there was guaranteed privacy (on the toilet? yes I did!) I was discharged today still though! Psychiatrist made it sound like it was only because I wasn't technically certifiable anymore, while the resident sounded much more hopeful about how my insight is and me being in a good place, so thank you resident. Receiving a copy of what they were sending my doctor was great, because now I'm not going to be feeling all suspicious about what they've written in their discharge summary to him. I have to see my gdoc on Wednesday because the discharge note and the prescription I got list different meds - the prescription still calls for continuing clonazepam and no prn risperidone for sleep, while the discharge note they send my gdoc says I'm not on clonazepam and AM on prn risperidone for sleep. Not sure what to do about meds tonight, probably just going to continue with what the prescriptions say for safety's sake.
  13. I'm getting rather annoyed with the inpatient psychiatrist trying to push his desire for me to take Lithium despite me explaining in great detail my reasoning for not doing so. I like the guy, I appreciate how he and his team have been working with me, but the daily harping on Lithium is going to drive me batty. It's great for some people, I get that. I do not feel that it is a medication that I am prepared or willing to try, and have real reason to believe that it is a medication I would very quickly stop taking on the outside because of the concerns I have with it. I was also finger-wagged for buying tea and colouring books for the psych ward but like I'm really enjoying the smell of the tea that others are bringing in so I brought some in that had scents I really like (I'm not a tea drinker) and have gotten to enjoy the day today smelling those scents all day! And the colouring books aren't just for everyone else, they're for myself as well because there's nothing else to really do when you have the attention span of a gnat than rush-colour easy pictures in childrens' colouring books. Today I bought pencil crayons and I will not be mentioning it to anyone but the other patients because we seriously needed more pencil crayons like some of them were shorter than the average pinkie finger while a bunch wouldn't even work on anything other than printer paper. So I hit Value Village with my mum and WE bought a giant bag of Crayola pencil crayons in a rainbow of colours for $2.99, and a box of basic colours at Superstore for $1.69, and I'm going to be using the shit out of those pencil crayons as well so it's not like I'm all "donate ALL the things!" here or something it's rational decisions based on things that make being in the fucking brain box just that tiny bit easier to swallow.
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