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About InfiniteInsanity

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    Horseback riding, reading, listening to music, taking long walks, skyping, science, mathematics, German + Russian languages

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  1. Hi again. Well, I got an MRI done and I got my results back. The doctors did not see a tumor in my MRI. They said that one side of my pituitary gland is bigger than the other, so it is now asymmetrical. It sure as hell was not like that a few years ago. The Invega caused my pituitary gland to change its shape. That's extremely creepy and unacceptable. I am being referred to a neurosurgeon because nobody knows what's still causing the high prolactin despite being off meds for months now. A few years ago, I was put on risperdal for the first time. It made me lactate, so they took me off of it. My current pdoc put me on Invega claiming that Invega is such a gentle drug compared to risperdal. He put me on Invega despite knowing how similar it is to risperdal and I had told him that risperdal made me lactate. He still chose to put me on Invega. I should have not listened to my doctor's lies. How could I be so stupid?? I should have refused the medicine. My doctor putting me on that medicine was reckless and careless. I'm so angry at him and I'm angry at myself. I don't think I ever want to see him again. This is so awful that I either want my breasts removed or my pituitary gland removed. I'm not going to live like this too much longer. I refuse to. Invega has ruined my whole life. How can a drug change the shape of a gland??!! This drug poisoned me and it is an extreme danger. I want this all over the news so that people can learn the truth about it.
  2. Oh, ok. Hopefully my prolactin continues to go down. Maybe it just takes a really, really long time for it to go back to normal. I'm glad your levels are going down.
  3. Hi guys. It feels great to be back here after being gone for so long. I'll get to the point now. For 2 or 3 months, I was put on the invega sustenna depo shot. Unfortunately, it caused my prolactin to get way too high, up to 53. So, they took me off the shot in November. I got my blood tested a couple weeks later. My prolactin went down to 52. A few weeks later, it shot up to 56 and I lost my period. A couple weeks ago, my prolactin went down to 45 and I got my period back. My pdoc said a couple weeks ago that if it is still high, I will have to call my regular doctor to order a brain scan to check for prolactinoma. I don't see my pdoc until March 7th, so he will tell me to call my regular doctor to get an MRI. I will be so upset if I have a prolactinoma. I have heard horror stories of the medicine people take for it. Radiation rarely works to cure it. Surgery is not fool-proof, but it is scary. I'm so sick of lactating. It's highly disturbing and it really grosses me out. I have been poisoned. My body is ruined. I might be stuck lactating for the rest of my life. I have no hope in having a normal body ever again now. This is terrifying. I am SO done with antipsychotics. I can't take them until my prolactin goes back to normal my pdoc said. I could have a mental breakdown any time. Things get crazy off my meds. So, if you have lactated from invega, how long did it take for your prolactin levels to go back to normal? My levels aren't normal even after 3 months of being off of it.
  4. I definitely have agitation. I bottle things up until I explode though. Simple things like someone driving too slowly in front of me, if they are well below the posted speed limit, can give me homicidal thoughts. People's lack of basic manners and how selfish people can give me very aggressive thoughts. If I am feeling very agitated, I will stay away from people. I end up hurting myself because I will never hurt another person physically, so I need to get it out. I hurt myself so that I have someone to take it all out on.
  5. trigger warning - self harm Someone has put bug eggs in my cheek. My skin is not right in a spot on my cheek. I am terrified of what could be in there. If the bug eggs grow, I will faint from being grossed out. They look innocent like pimples, but they are not. A whole area of skin is red and raised. It is not just a dot. I am itching to cut the area open and kill whatever is in there. It feels like things are wiggling in there. It grosses me out. If I open the area, I can clean it out.
  6. Hi. Long time since I have been here, just needed a break. I just got diagnosed with sleep apnea after doing a sleep study. It was pure torture. I have to go back to the lab to get a sleep study done and try a cpap machine. Do any of you use a cpap? If so, what kind/ model do you have? How long did it take you to adjust to falling asleep with one of these machines? I am nervous that I will have to pound medicine to get some sleep with one of these things grabbing my face. I do look forward to feeling better though, so I am going to try it.
  7. I don't know. I have to call the place and calling is a lot of effort right now. That is a good idea about the getting weight taken. Thank you for that advice.
  8. My therapist referred me to an eating disorder therapist/ specialist. I am afraid of going. This is all so new to me. I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder but my therapist thinks I have one. What should I expect? I am nervous. Will they weigh me? I will refuse if they ask me to be weighed. I am really scared. The thought of going there is making me get butterflies in my stomach. I really don't want to go. What is your therapy like for your eating disorders?
  9. He smiled evilly. He wants me to get a certain medicine that I don't want, so, that is one reason I am avoiding the hospital. He wants me locked up.
  10. Thank you guys so much. I will try to see if I can find a better pdoc, one that will help me out. Today, I didn't even make it through my group therapies. When I left, I felt like sobbing, but only two tears got out. I can't even really cry anymore. I immediately halt. I think it is some kind of defense mechanism, to feel apathetic. If I can't sit through my classes, I will just punish myself. My friend is not even putting any pressure on me about the wedding, but she has been asking to hang out and I just can't. ;( I will try talking to her. My mom helps with barn chores. She technically owns the horses. She feeds in the morning and I do stalls in the evening and we both feed in the evening. I see a therapist at my day program but I am so upset with her that every time I see her, I cuss her out and make threats against myself. I know it is childish, but I am feeling cornered, trapped and I lash out when this happens. She has been wanting to send me to the hospital, but this week she saw me in group and she didn't check on me. I can't blame here though, since I am hard to deal with. I don't know. Part of me wants to go to the hospital to get help because I am having really bad thoughts and I need help. I threw out most of my medicine a couple months ago because I thought it was government poison. I am on just enough seroquel to sleep. I asked the pdoc about going back on the other meds and he won't let me until the psychosis is better. I don't like his med options, so he just left me with the seroquel. He could have at least given me my lithium. I get suicidal without my lithium. The hospital knows that and if my pdoc read the stuff from the hospital, he would know that. I need my lithium so badly and he won't even give that back yet. ;( I have really gotten myself into a pickle. The other part of me does not want to go to the hospital. I am lost on what to do. I am afraid of government- released robot mosquitos, so now it is hard to go outside, because it is so hot out. I am just scared, and tired right now.
  11. Thank you. I will see if I can find a doctor who can help me instead of hurt me.
  12. I brought it up with him and his idea was to lock me up in the psych ward. I said NO. I really hate his med options. Antipsychotics can help the positive symptoms, but they even worsen my negative symptoms. He thinks the antipsychotics will help with my negative symptoms. I am beginning to have really bad thoughts. Basically when I am brainwashed by the government, when I start to watch TV shows like Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo, when I start to listen to pop music on the radio, then he will be happy. Also, when they dumb my intelligence down and become very submissive. I can't let them give me medicine that will do that to me. I can't stand a lot of TV shows or the radio. He is part of a program to try to force me to like that stuff. He needs to help my negative symptoms. My quality of life is completely gone. I made a post on craigslist to sell my soul.
  13. Thank you for your reply. It sounds like the wedding you were going to go to was very stressful. It also sounds like you made the right choice. You were very brave to be able to say no to such a huge event. That takes a lot of courage. The doctor won't treat my ADHD until my "psychosis" is under control. He said he would give me the ADHD meds after I am better, but he changes his mind like the wind, so I don't trust that. I don't like the options he has given me to treat it. I lactated with risperdal and he wants to give me invega which is closely related to risperdal. Invega will make me lactate too. The haldol mixed with seroquel is the same as just seroquel. Either way, I sleep most of the day. I sleep about 17 hours a day. College will be too much since I can barely even get out of bed. I am having a horribly difficult time staying awake during the mornings, afternoons, and evenings. Getting up triggers me and makes me feel worse. I have no passion to learn anymore and that is pretty bad. I would have to get up early and drive almost an hour there. Even taking a shower is too much effort now.
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