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anenome

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About anenome

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    Too strange to live; too rare to die!

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    anenome11@gmail.com
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    vladoiusteve

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    Man
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    U.S.
  • Interests
    Before severe Anhedonia set in...everything. I guess instead of drugs, I occasionally used alchohol and learned both college and hobbies: Political Sociology; Theology including Zen Buddhism; Philosophy; Quantum Mechanics; String Theory; M-Theory; Chaos Theory; Parallel Universes/Dimensions; Life after Death; Dreams and Reality...esp. Lucid...you get the idea.
  1. Hi, I read all of your responses, and I appreciate every one of them. Good advice, especially Testarossa's post. I am so sorry I just came out, brand new and pretty much just thought of myself. But (and I hate 'buts'), if you truly new the position I was in, you'd understand more. I'm sorry, I am just in major panic. I called Methodist hospital's outpatient line for talk and crisis, but they haven't gotten back with me yet. Believe it or not, I am highly educated, studied many things, have a very wide variety of music I'm into, as well as books etc. Besides Methodist hospital, I am going to take Testarossa's advice and just take the time to look around and help others and comment from experience. I truly enjoy helping others and have done so all my life. The reason I did what I did the last couple of days is because, amongst other things, I have Panic disorder and very severe panic attacks. However, those subsided to a tolerable level a little over a year ago when a doctor put me on a cocktail that seems to work. But my panic attacks are so intense (I don't know if other's experience this, if they do, I would love to hear their stories), but over the decades they just got worse and worse. But when put on that cocktail, they diminished to maybe a few a day and they only lasted maybe an hour give or take...sometimes i could even go a couple days without one. And another reason I just went all out was because I had a manic episode, and because I suffer from severe agoraphobia; severe social phobia and severe sociophobia...I go months and months sometimes without ANY communication at all, except a doctor or two either once a month or once every other month. I don't have a phone anymore. My longest stretch without leaving the house was almost 2 years (that was a little over a year ago). Things went to hell, I had to move back to my hometown, and the only place I had to stay was an old house next to my father (who owns the house), but is also severely mentally disabled. My isolation and paranoia, which had been steadily increasing for a long time, had finally hit me with full force. I was still on my ex-wifes insurance, so I was getting my meds through the mail...3 month supplies, so I didn't see a doctor. It quickly got to the point I had all the blinds closed, I kept the phone unplugged because my social phobia is so intense, I panic even when the phone rings...so I just left it unplugged. At first, I used my computer, but I kept the webcam taped over with paper because I thought people could see my every move. Then, shortly after, I was too paranoid to even look at emails in my inbox. I had a strong fear that if I even looked at them without opening them, whoever sent it would know I was looking at it and it drove me nuts, so I just turned the computer off and kept it off. I never answered the door out of fear, I could no longer even step on the front porch to get the mail, my dad would bring it over once a week (on Saturdays) when he picked up my grocery list. My hallucinations, paranoia, delusions were so bad, for over half that time, I carried a gun with me every time I went into a different part of the house. Then, the last year or so, I could no longer even go to any of the rooms in the house. I stayed only in the living room with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other. The only other room I went to was the restroom, and I brought the gun with me and got in and out of there as fast as possible to get back to the living room. IMPORTANT!!!! Again, I'm sorry I was so abrupt. I just wanted to leave this last statement to let you know how bad it is, and it's gotten worse. BUT, I promise I will take Testarossa's advice as well as everyone else's and start reading posts and helping other's, as of RIGHT NOW! I will not post anything again unless it's a dire need. You have my word. A couple last things and I am done. 1.) I got a letter of death from Indiana medicaid a couple weeks ago, and they made such major cuts in my benefits and my disability is so low, there is no way I can afford any of my meds as of February 1st. And I take 13 meds a day, some several times a day, and several (some major narcotics) I've been on for decades, I'm afraid of what is going to happen. If I want to afford a roof over my head, I can't pay for meds...so, there is a good possibility I may not make it through a sudden withdrawal of 13 meds, and even if I do, it's just a matter of a month or two I become completely helpless. This is seriously a life or death situation!!! I'm not even remotely exaggerating. I wish I were. That's why I started off so bluntly, and I'm so sorry. If you knew the whole story, trust me, you would not want to be in my shoes and you would have at least a little sympathy for me. But I'll stop now that I've said some of it. 2.) There is only one thing I ask, and it can be anybody. It would be of tremendous help if I could find just one person who is willing to talk/share stories (maybe a temporary sponsor for lack of better words), help each other, etc. Someone I can contact or at least leave a message in the middle of the night if I'm having a crisis. I really really need that, would very much appreciate it, and I would be in total debt to you. I pray just one person has the time and is willing to work with me. And it doesn't always have to be about disabilities, we can talk about anything...music, movies, books, etc. But if nobody wants to do it, I understand. Thank you so much for listening, and I will keep to my promise and spend more time reading other posts and giving advise if asked for. I won't write anymore posts unless it is a true crisis. To be honest, I think reading other posts and commenting could be just as therapeutic as having someone to talk to. I am just in a total state of panic. To the degree, I called my doctor to see if he could give me just a one or two day prescription today for something stronger than the 6 mgs of klonopin I take now...it's not helping this attack. A major sedative, tranquilizer...something. Just something to knock me out and get just one night of an 8 hour sleep, and 24 hours of relief. My stress is so intense lately, I woke up this morning gagging. Went into the restroom to get sick, a little came out, but there was also some blood coming out. Yes, I'm scared!!!!! Thanks again for hearing me out. This is just a small percentage of what is going on right now. I won't share it all unless someone asks, and I PROMISE, no more posts unless it's something postive to say or share, or a major crisis-change in situation etc. I need to make a few phone calls, but I am going to come back online and read through some others posts and see what I can offer to help. Maybe even have a little fun. Thank you to everyone who responded and was completely truthful to me. I appreciate it. I hope to get to know all of you over time and things work out for the best for everyone with any kind of disorder...mental or physical. Thanks again. Steve
  2. So, I'm new to the site and was told that there are a combination of people..i.e. assholes; inconsiderates; helpful; empathetic, etc. etc. I haven't read or talked enough to make a judgement. However, I did come across a post today, it said something like: fuck it, I don't remember, but it hit a nerve. My point is, I have been in hiding for a long long time. I am very sick mentally and physically. I am not suicidal, however, I DO 'will' myself to death every night, and I have enough narcotics to kill a busload. Each and every day, besides 'willing' myself to death, I wonder if I've just done what I can here on earth and it's time for me to go. So yes, there are times I contemplate eating a shitload of meds and not wake up. But I chose not to. I'm not religious, I don't believe in anything...I followed Buddhism for decades, but I don't have what it takes to survive anymore. I have been in total isolation for at least a decade as well as severe clinical depression. I can't walk out the front door. I got rid of my phone out of paranoia. I am not asking for advise, preaching, etc. All I am looking for, now that I am snapping out of this decade long depression etc., is someone to talk to. Someone I can trust. And I don't mean constant complaining, what I mean is just conversation. If, with our disorders we can occasionally listen or advise, great, if it means just bullshitting about anything...music, movies, politics, whatever...that is fine too. I just need someone who understands where I come from and is willing to be a friend online... If there is just one person out there who is lookfing for the same, please respond. If not, don't respond. Love you all!!! Steve (anenome)
  3. Sorry to interupt anything, but I don't know where else to turn. I need advise and I need it FAST! Let me give you the rundown: Disorders: Schizoaffective (bipolar type 1 mixed); Panic Disorder; ADD; Severe Social Phobia; Acute Anxiety; Severe Agoraphobia; Severe depression Now); Chronic Pain Disorder; severe obstructive sleep apnea; severe EDS/Narcolepsy; late stage hypothyroidism; high blood pressure...and more I'm sure... Meds currently on (some for decades): Geodon 80 mgs daily; Prozac 80 mgs daily; Clonazepam 6 mgs daily; Neurontin 1200 mgs daily; Adderall 60 mgs daily; Oxycontin 80 mgs daily; Oxycodone 45 mgs daily; Baclofet 75 mgs daily; Lisinopril 25 mgs daily (blood pressure); Synthroid 75 mcgs daily; and some misc.; antibiotics, etc. Income: Was a writer/designer for about 25 years, applied for disability in 2006 and was turned down but in appeal (as of today, it's still in appeal for back pay). Attorney advised to apply a second time and was given immediately last year, and considered 'lifelong' chronic disorders, but only $1,000 per month. I also took Indiana Medicaid and Food Stamps. Story 1: I have had no luck with shrinks in a couple years and fired my last one about a year ago. My doctor has been keeping me up on my meds including pain specialist, sleep disorder specialist. But for a year now, I have been trying to find a competent shrink that takes medicaid...but have had no luck. Last two shrinks I saw...one in May 2011, and one in Oct. 2011, both said my conditions were 'too acute' and didn't have the resources etc. to treat me. They also said (and I agree from experience) that my conditions are too acute for places like behavioral clinics and stress centers (been to both several times). And they weren't the first to say maybe the only option left is ECT because I have tried every (or most) anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers with no luck. I only had some luck with Geodon (which I take now), but I've gained about 50 pds and the paranoia and phobias are still strong. Abilify helped some, but gained weight, was maxed out and they took me off it. No luck with anti-depressants. Part 2: Because I had lost all hope for disability long ago, when I finally got it last year, I was in such bad shape (I was hospitalized 3 times in 5 months before and after I began getting it. Indiana medicaid sent me a letter a couple weeks ago saying I should have reported that income. Stupid me!! I figured...disability, both federal/state run; knew situation, etc. I thought it would automatically be known by state government, but I guess not. So, they immediately, without warning, cut my food stamps from $200 per month to $50 per month, and the biggie; they cut my medicaid and gave me a spend down of $300 per month before they provide anything. I immediately appealed it, but nothing has been set yet. The Problem and hope for advise: About 8 months ago, I was pretty much homeless, but came across a so-called 'friend' I knew since grade school. Known her over 35 years. She was informed of the situation, and gave me an offer I couldn't refuse..I had no other choice. (Keep in mind, we are just friends, not lovers or anything like that). After a couple months of talking, she made an offer of: I move to Lebanon, In close to her and she would be my provider until I could get the mental and physical help I needed and was stable...including help cleaning, finances, pay my bills, laundry etc. (I can no longer do daily tasks), and all I would have to do is find and establish a rapport with a shrink, therapist, doctors etc. I warned her it might take several months in my condition, she said 'quit worrying about it'...so I put my trust in her. She took everything I made including food stamps and medicaid covering everything except a $36 monthly copay for meds and found an apartment, got me set up etc. and budgeted everything so I would end up with about $150 to $200 per month left over (on good months), but after about 2 weeks of me getting in the apartment she bailed on me and won't have anything to do with me. And with my disorders, I can't do it all myself. I have also had two unsuccessful back surgeries and my pain specialist wants me to see another specialist for a third surgery. I can't do it. (Don't forget I have extreme agoraphobia; social and socio phobia (fear of public places as well as people in general). So I rarely go outside unless I have to. But with these cuts medicaid did to me, instead of just $36 per month for meds, I have to pay everything until the first $300 is paid. I DON'T have it! Like I said, I barely have $150 to $200 left per month and much of that is for emergencies like: higher utility bills depending on season etc., other meds; food that the $200 per month food stamps wouldn't take care of (yes, it's next to impossible to live off of $50 for a 7 day week of groceries, especially when you can't make it to the grocery store and you just live off frozen overpriced shit from the 24 hour CVS pharmacy across the street). So with this new spend down and cut in food stamps, I figured at minimum, I would end up at least $75+ in the hole every month. I can't afford two of my meds let alone 13! I live very cheaply. I don't have a phone, I don't have cable TV, no entertainment except the computer (which is my only way of contact with society). I have exactly 30 days of meds left, still no shrink, I've tried every resource I can come up with and I'm at a dead end. I still need part time live in help...I go a month+ without a shower or brushing; I have no clothes; I don't have a washer or dryer; I don't even have broom or vacuum cleaner...shit, I don't even have a bed...I sleep on the couch. I am waiting for replies from my last two possible resources. A social worker/case manager, and because of everything else, I going to try to find a psychologist I can talk to and maybe he can pull some strings. Does anyone have any suggestions? Is it possible to go to another country as a visitor and get proper medical treatment without losing my disability? Is there a law or exception for people like me to get this spend-down reversed? ANYTHING!!!???? I'm so sorry to take up your time, but I just have absolutely nowhere else to turn and I'm afraid I'm just going to end up being another statistic in a very short amount of time. A mentally ill nobody living on the street. I won't last two months. I am not street wise. I was decades ago, but not anymore. Again, I'm so sorry to bother you, I just don't know what else to do. Any suggestions would help and I thank you in advance...sincerely. Steve
  4. Thanks Indigo. On top of everything else, since I'm having such a hard time finding a shrink and need a part time provider to take care of me or move to an assisted living facility, Friday I began looking up therapists and social workers/case managers to help me. I've never tried therapy for panic attacks. As you know, many people never experience one or if they do, not to the extent some panic disorder sufferers do. So they don't understand the hell we go through. I'm going to bring that up when I find a local psychologist/therapist. I'm also hoping starting from there, I might get further in finding a psychiatrist. Luckily, my primary physician is prescribing my mental meds until I can find a psychiatrist. Thanks for the advise.
  5. Hey everyone! I'm new here...so be patient. I have many disorders, two of them being severe agoraphobia and panic disorder. I take 13 meds a day and am on disability. I am also on medicaid (state run). I got my disability last year while I was hospitalized and had absolutely NO IDEA I was suppose to report it to medicaid. The thought never crossed my mind. I just figured: disability-medicaid-food stamps, etc. fell hand in hand. They have all my documents, SS# etc. I thought they were basically one entity. But I got a letter from medicaid a few weeks ago and they said I didn't report the disability I was getting and they cut my benefits big time. I barely get by on my disability with medicaid covering everything anyway. I don't have cable, I don't have a car, I don't have a phone, etc. but they slapped me with a $300 monthly spend down before they will pay for anything. As it is, I end up with maybe $25 or so at the end of the month, but as of next month, instead of a $3 copay for all my meds...$36 total monthly, I have to pay the first $300. And me being on 13 meds, all I pretty much need, and some being major narcotics I've been on most of my life, I won't be able to afford two of the thirteen, let alone $300 worth. I'm screwed. I can handle the schizoaffective for a period of time as well as other things, but what I CANNOT deal with are my panic attacks! They finally put me on a cocktail of meds that have considerably cut my attacks to maybe a couple a day for maybe an hour at most...before, anything triggered an attack, and sometimes they would literally last 24-36 hours non-stop! I would pace back and fourth the hole time to the point of exhaustion. I tried drinking myself silly to stop them and nothing helped. Finally, one night (and I am not at all suicidal), I was in the basement pacing as fast as I could and could no longer take it. I grabbed a knife, went into my roomates bedroom and said 'Jack, I can't take it anymore' and I was going to just put the knife through my chest they were so bad. He got up and immediately took me to the hospital and I was put in the psychiatric ward. They gave me a shot of something major to calm me down and started me on a cocktail of: Prozac 80 mgs a day; Neurontin 1200 mgs a day; and Clonazepam 6 mgs a day. And after a week I felt better, and after a month or so, they were tolerable. If medicaid doesn't rethink that spend down and I can't afford my meds, it's just a matter of time. Like I said, the other disorders will take a little time to get worse without meds, but I CANNOT take those kinds of panic attacks again. I'm starting to get worse panic attacks since they told me that a couple/few weeks ago. I CANNOT live like that again. I've tried everything for meds with no luck...any suggestions? I've tried everything including each drug company, etc. I promise you, and it won't be voluntary or premeditated, but when those attacks come back and last a day or two, I WILL end up doing away with myself. I also suffer from Cluster headaches annually...I would rather have chronic cluster headaches year around than deal with the extremity of those panic attacks!!! I have 30 days of meds left, then I won't be able to afford them. I can either a.) quit taking all of them and have a roof over my head and in a short period of time, go crazy again without them, or b.) leave the apartment, live on the street and be able to pay the $300 per month (and that won't last long because of my agoraphobia, social/sociophobia, and the fact I'm not street smart and don't know anyone)...or take the fast way out and just commit suicide and get it over with quickly. Any suggestions? They would be much appreciated. Those of you who have had severe panic attacks like that know what I'm talking about. Thank you in advance.
  6. Lady, I'm on about 12 meds a day, some several times a day. Now that I'm on medicaid, I cannot find a shrink to save my life. The last two I saw sine May of 2011 said my conditions were 'too acute' and they not only couldn't help me, but a behavioral center and stress center couldn't help either (been to both many times). I'm totally lost. I was hoping I could find someone on this site who has or had similar problems I could talk to, but so far, no luck...but it's most likely my fault. I take about 12 meds a day and have lost ALL contact with reality. It's been gradually happening for decades, but has hit it's apogee, I also have physical problems and have to go in for a third back surgery. I'm afraid I'm snapping out of my isolation and becoming more coherent of what's going on and afraid of not only dealing with it, or not dealing with it...giving up. I'm just very scared and could use just one person to listen. I've been in isolation a long time. I'm so agoraphobic and socia/sociophobic, I don't even answer the phone. Except for doctors on occasion, I go literally months without talking to anyone...I am terrified of people! I'll go weeks without having the computer on or go outside, I even have tape/paper on the webcam because I think people can see and monitor my every move. Wheni it comes to doctor appointments, I have to schedule them at least about 2 weeks in advance to prepare myself, then I have a hard time even opening the door. I have to eat about 10 mgs of klonopins just to get out the front door. I go literally weeks or a month without brushing or bathing. I have catatonic times often. Other than the last few days, I could go back into hiding for weeks and you won't hear from me. Yes, I'm very confused and need help.
  7. Squirmy, first of all, intelligence and mental illness pretty much go hand in hand. Most geniouses were diagnosed with some kind of diorder, hospitlized and/or attempted or successfully committed suicide. So don't base a measure of intelligence as a measure of mental disorders. Second, this is NOT an autobiography. I just let out the truth. The fact is, I have been in total isolation for so long I've lost my ability to interact with people. Third, I am very sick and have been for decades...first diagnosed st 12. And it has just worsened over the years. If the majority of you are 'stable'...I'm happy for you. But the reason for these forums/chatrooms is to help the lost, not criticize for letting feelings go. That's the problem with most chats I've been to. There are a few that show up that truly heed help/direction, but there is also a 'bond' or 'friendship'...between that and stability, they don't seem to want to deal with other's problems...it's called, 'self-centeredness'. I am by no means saying any of you are that way...how can I judge when I haven't even given anyone a chance. I truly opened up to 'Vapourware' and let it all out last night. I have been at a loss for a long long time and need help to do just the basics. Even having confidence in people again would help. I'm truly sorry if you took this the wrong way, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I don't consider myself intelligent, it's just over the decades instead of doing drugs to deal with my disabilities, I studied ALL possibilies, especially life, the between and death as well as other theories including Quantum Physics. I'm not bragging, I am just intrigued by 'possibilities' most don't think about. Yes, I am desperate. I have fought and fought and fought for a long long time and have just gotten worse and came here mainly to here stories and get advice. I'm a good listener. If you don't want me here, just say the word. And I won't hold grudges, and most importantly, if you feel offended in any way, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be. Anenome
  8. Hi, my name is Steve (anenome) and I am pretty much at my last resort. I'm not going to get into specifics, there is no point in doing that when the chances of someone getting back with you is minimal. One thing I have found in my 45 years of life is: For the most part, people (especially in chatrooms), only go when much help is needed immediately. Then, when they feel better or whatever, they basically tell you to 'fuck off'. Well, I'm not in that position. I am 45 years old and have pretty much given up on life. DO NOT WORRY!!!!! I am NOT suicidal etc. I just have no drive left. This site is pretty much my last hope. If this fails...well, let's just say the system won. So I am not going to go on and on; I gave you my username (anenome); it's all there in my profile along with my email address. If you are interested, please contact me. If you are not interested, don't contact me. P.S. NO PREACHING as far as religion goes...I respect others beliefs, I expect the same in return. I'm not out to 'USE' anyone, although I may need some help, I have MUCH experience in the mental health field. Not only 45 years of myself, but a father who tried to commit suicide about 27 years ago (was a successful dentist), but the disorders got the best of him. And I also had a younger brother with a disorder and he successfully committed suicide about 5 years ago. So I have been around the block a few times. I am also very much a non-conformist realist; I am not bound by ANY religion; am very educated...from politics to design to creative writing to quantum mechanics to chaos theory to string theory to parallel lives/universes/dimensions, etc....(just to let you know). But please, look me up, I would enjoy the company and helping others even if they have no advice for me. thank you and looking forward to hearing from you. Steve (anenome)
  9. Hi, my name is Steve (anenome), and I suffer from many many many things. Have all my life. Been there, done that. I've tried every shrink; psychotherapist; social worker; as well as every chatroom (most useless); every med...anti-psychotics; anti-depressants; mood stabilizers; uppers; downers; hypnotics; hallucinegentics; alcohol; sedatives; anti-anxieties;...you name it, and very few have worked. It has gotten to the point (and I just came across your site a couple days ago), that if this doesn't work...I'm fucked. At this point, I could use a few people who think they have alternatives (other than death), as well, the only thing keeping me going at this point is helping others...it helps me feel better about myself when I can help someone else. I have no ego, no nothing...in fact, I have hit a point of anhedonia that has even scared the last few shrinks I went to turn me down...literally. The last two I saw said my conditions are 'so acute', I am in need of a specialist...not a behavioral clinic or stress center etc. I'm talking donating my brain/body to science it's that bad. So, as you can see, I have absolutely no help...no friends, no relatives, no nothing to turn to (I'm on disability and medicaid, but medicaid is turning down...giving me a spend down next month Jan. 2012 that I cannot possibly meet, so I won't be able to afford even one or two of the 13 different meds I take daily...some several tmes a day. I'm fucked. So, talk to me please, I could use some good conversation, and should you have an option I haven't tried, tell me about it. If you need help and advice...please tell me...I'm a good listener and have MUCH experience with many things, and besides, it will give me a chance to take a break worrying about my situation. So please, I've been in total isolation/seclusion/agoraphobia for years and CANNOT just go outside and deal with people. This is going to have to be a major step-by-step process for me. Drop me a line if you are interested. My email is: [edited to remove private information - please send PMs] P.S. NO RELIGIOUS BIBLE-THUMPERS ALLOWED! NO PREACHING!! I'VE STUDIED THEOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY, ETC. ALL OF MY LIFE. YOU CANNOT CONVERT ME!!! I don't mind if you have your own beliefs that get you by, in fact, I would by intrigued by that. But don't push your ideas on me. That is all I ask. Thank you and hope to hear from you soon. Steve (anenome)
  10. Thanks for acknowledging I exist. I have, over 33+ years (first diagnosed at 12), tried so many combinations, been hospitalized many times, etc. etc. and have run out of all options. I first applied for disability at about 39, and they turned me down for bullshit reasons....besides fighting many conditions, I managed to work overtime for over 20 years and attend college for 7 years full-time, but could no longer do it. And initially, I had a couple doctors saying I could no longer 'work gainful full-time employment' because of my conditions (I also have severe back problems...going on 3rd surgery). As of last month, they threatended to give me a major spend-down and cut my food stamps major...I appealed, but am not strong enough to fight anymore. My initial disability claim 6 years ago is STILL in appeal (my attorney say's it's a matter of a couple months for the backpay hearing now)...I got my second claim last year immediately and they considered it pretty much lifelong 'permanent'...whatever that means. But with this spend-down for medicaid, I have until the end of Jan. 2012 (one month) to find an option and have had no luck. I cannot work, I'm in horrible shape, etc. (I'll get into detail if asked), but with a $300 monthly spend-down, I have two (three choices if you count suicide as one) to do: 1.) quit taking all of my meds and doctors beginning the end of January and if the sudden withdrawals of 13 monthly meds don't kill me (many I've been on all my life), it will just be a matter of time before I no longer even half function and end up hospitalized...this time permanently, but as I deteriorate, I'll have a roof over my head. Or, option 2.) I just give up everything, live on the street and keep my meds...I still will die because I am not street smart. Some choice huh. I've tried EVERYTHING with no luck. They, including medicaid just don't care. And after 45 years of fighting the disease, symptoms and options, I no longer have the strength to do it anymore. If you have ANY suggestions or want to know more, you can contact me at: [edit: removed for privacy reasons - please send PMs]. I would much appreciate it. I have two last options to try tomorrow or so....Area 14 and some village of some kind. Other than that...I have no friends, family, nothing to help. And 'severe agoraphobia and social/sociophobia being a part of my disabilities, living on the street and being around people and open areas is NOT an option. I'm stuck. Help, please??? me
  11. I have MAJOR multiple disorders, but went into a deep deep depression about 6 years ago and still cannot snap out of it. I also am schizoaffective (schizoprenia and bp 1 mixed); severe panic disorder; severe social/sociophobia; severe agoraphobia and chronic pain disorder. I was first diagnosed at 12 years old (I'm 45 now), have been on pretty mucn every med known to man, but the only thing that has helped ne with ANYTHING are my kpins (6 mgs a day) and Adderall (60+ mgs a day). The addies seem to help me snap out of my depression for at least an hour or two, but that's about it. They want to try ECT, but haven't decided if I want to try it or not...getting desperate. Anhedonia is pretty much untolerable anymore. I have tried literally everything and they say I'm treatment resistant. I've tried many meds and am currently taking: Geodon 80 mgs daily; Prozac 80 mgs daily; neurontin 1200 mgs daily; clonazepam 6 mgs daily; Adderall or Ritalin 60 mgs daily (depends lately with shortage going on); Oxycontin 80 mgs daily; oxycodone 45 mgs daily; Baclofen 75 mgs daily; synthroid .75 mcgs daily; and High blood pressure meds daily and various other things. I've been on most of these all my life or most of my life, and the Adderall/Ritalin is no longer working. It used to snap me out of my depression for a couple hours a day, but lately, even the Adderall is working anymore...especially even keeping me awake. I never had the problem before on just as many meds, but the addies won't even wake me anymore. Any advice would be helpful. Being a depressed mess is one thing but even with my addies, they don't snap me out of depression for even an hour anymore and taking the addies just makes me more tired anymore. What to do!!! Any adivce???? Would be much appreciated! I'm tired of living this way...ECT was brought up, anyhing else??? I AM PRETTY MUCH OUT OF OPTIONS!!!!
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