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lifequake

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Everything posted by lifequake

  1. Gabapentin causes severe aphasia and cognitive problems. Was too afraid of Keppra causing more rage to give adequate trial. I'm so med-phobic and sensitive
  2. I'm supposed to be taking Klonopin round the clock, but it makes me more confused/memory-less/depressed. I do have severe panic and obsessive thoughts that keep me trapped 24/7 from being present. It's like I am *never* in the moment.
  3. I feel like I'm in a bind. ECT/TBI wrecked my brain. Vicious circle-- need support/intensive therapy, but currently too unstable/impaired to make appointments or to leave the house. I'm terrified of A/AP's, as I already have neurological damage-- tics, dystonia, spasms, dyskinesia, etc. Plus, I get akathisia and restless legs on everything. But I've got psychosis and severe agitation/aggression going on. Pdoc stopped lithium due to cognitive impairment. Propranolol at sufficient doses causes severe bradycardia. Lamictal makes me manic/restless titrating up. Allergic to Trileptal/Tegretol. Depakote hugely sedating. Any creative ideas? I hate that I'm desperate enough to be obsessing about meds again. It's a sickness all it's own.
  4. @DammitJanet I am so sorry you had a (partially) similar outcome. I imagine you are in a state of confusion and disbelief over what has happened to you. Allow me to validate that your anger is justified and prepare you gently for any invalidation and denial you may encounter from various medical professionals. If I were you, I would request all your records, and run like hell from that psychiatrist. You will likely not get the understanding you seek, nor an apology for any damages incurred. I do not know the details of your situation, but please PM me if you would like to vent or need any support. I know of an online support community with tips for coping/brain healing, legal contacts, advocacy, etc. You are not alone.
  5. Exercise is a no-go, as I won't be able to get up without being monitored. Watch me jump up and start pacing! lol @Wonderful.Cheese Thank you. Calling would have been smart, but they are closed. I know I need the meds to not be totally bat-shit there, but the thought of sitting still for even a few hours (meds or not) is a joke. @argh I guess I could ask for propranolol. I'm already assuming I won't actually seize there, so it feels like a bit of a waste. Oh well.
  6. I'm looking for advice that doesn't come from my broken brain: I was prescribed Keppra, Invega, and Klonopin three days ago. I never started the Keppra (fear), and am going to an epilepsy clinic tomorrow for 2-7 day vEEG. Invega (1.5 mg) has mostly cleared up the psychosis, but I have akathisia. Klonopin helps, but I still must be able to pace, move around, smoke, jump from one activity to the next. I'm terrified of trying to sit still in bed for days. It's like ants eating my bones. And then I wonder about if they d/c the kpin during that time... So my insane self is considering not taking Invega tonight. Advice or thoughts?
  7. Read this and wanted to check in. Let you know you are seen. When I am flooded with emotion and having suicidal urges, I try to ask myself, "Do I really want A) to put a permanent end to my life, or do I B) want the pain/intensity to be less?" If it's option A, then go to the ER or call 911. If it's option B, you've got options. It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed, and that the upcoming job is a big trigger. It's okay to need to talk to someone (your boyfriend, a crisis hotline, etc). You are strong, supported, and can handle this. Even if handling it means asking for help or saying, "I need reassurance or coping skills or fill-in-the-blank." Be safe.
  8. Thank you for the well-wishes, @ilovemusic123. I clearly have strong opinions about ECT, even if I am in the minority here. No psychiatrist or hospital will warn of severe retrograde memory loss (decades), ongoing anterograde amnesia, processing deficits, aphasia, seizures/epilepsy, heart arrhythmia, apathy, personality change, loss of any or all of the following: education, creativity, intelligence, emotional range, social and communication skills. I do not know how to move forward.
  9. @browri Thank you mucho for that information. Anticholinergics are quite high on the no-no list for TBI. I feel like any shot at quality of life has gone down the drain. Tired of existing in this vacuum post-electrical lobotomy. It's the cruelest thing one could inflict upon another human being. Sorry, needed a rant.
  10. Tears flowing reading this, saoirse. I am sorry for your loss, the unanswered questions, and the waves of emotion and pain you must be feeling. I once heard someone say that the grief we feel is in proportion to the love we felt. Thinking of you.
  11. 5 mg Trintellix. Started on day 2 of taking it. I ended up involuntarily hospitalized, and guess what? No more Trintellix, no more akathisia/RLS. Every pdoc who says my reactions are "not typical" or "can't happen" can eat my socks. heh
  12. I stopped the Trintellix. Praying the akathisia torture won't last more than a few days to a week. There have to be alternatives.
  13. Living with the horrible akathisia and restlessness feels like a non-option. But clearly can't go on the way I've been living. Catch-22. Took gabapentin, requip, propranolol and still want to run in place and peel the skin off my entire body.
  14. I am on Day 3 of Trintellix, and the restless legs are torture. It's often in my arms, too. Like bugs crawling on my bones. Constant at night, when sitting, or when anxiety spikes. Afraid to contact pdoc. Afraid to take another pill. I want the feeling to be over NOW. I self-medicated with former propranolol and requip Rx's to get through yesterday and last night. My life is so far down the drain after ECT brain damage and TBI. I don't feel suicidal in this moment, but OBGYN and parents urged hospitalization yesterday. Been such a sobbing, psychotic, raging maniac. But I have fucked over all treatment options presented due to fear and intense mistrust of doctors and psychiatry after ECT ruined my life. Trouble making decisions because I am so dependent, cognitively screwed, panicky, violent, aggressive, agitated, depressed. I don't know what to do.
  15. I always had a family member drop off my birth control, as it was something the psych hospital did not carry. They sent it down to the hospital pharmacy for verification and would then administer it once approved as not being crack haha. Process would take a day or so. They gave me my thyroid med when I was taking it after performing labs and after pdoc authorization. Honestly, I think going IP is like playing the lottery. Sometimes you're heard and treated like a human being. Other times, you get an invalidating pdoc and shuffle through the system like a piece of meat on a conveyor belt. Worst case scenario, they lose or do not authorize the Rx, and you'd have to get a new fill from your outside doc upon release.
  16. @becca129 I went to Center for Discovery near Sacramento, CA. It feels like several lifetimes ago. If you have questions about ED residential or treatment options (or just need to vent), feel free to PM me.
  17. Like you, I have gotten akathisia on all atypicals and thus tolerate them poorly (e.g. max out on Zyprexa at 1.25 mg). When one is pacing like a caged animal, swinging one's legs in chairs, and writhing in agony lying in bed nightly, it becomes a serious quality of life issue. Frankly, it really gets my goat that your pdoc is not hearing your concerns and understanding the torture that is akathisia. A new pdoc recently convinced me to retry 10 mg of Latuda on an empty stomach (so it would, in effect, be more like 5 mg), and I was reminded that crippling symptoms are almost preferable to bone-burning-ant-crawling akathisia. Going into the med trial with full optimism is your best bet, but experience tells me to suggest a sensible PRN and back-up strategy coordinated with your pdoc. Good luck.
  18. This is my darkest night of the soul. 

  19. Thank you for the suggestion, Ice. TMS would be traumatizing. The splitting headaches and burning feeling in my brain make me cry almost daily.
  20. I wish I had seen this sooner, mal, as your words are of great comfort. And I cannot believe you had delirium, too!! I realized, only after weeks of delirium, that my nightmarish experience might have a name. Guess I was correct in my self-diagnosis. No idea how I have endured all of this without any professional help or validation, but the severe PTSD and ignorance has made me reticent and mistrustful. Did you see any psychiatrists or medical professionals after the ECT who understood your experience? How did you start to pick up the pieces afterward?
  21. In theory, it can help with both. I just meant that, from my experience, the biggest effect is seen on reducing time it takes to fall asleep vs. keeping me asleep. There are now extended release formulations that might help more in both departments. I know you can purchase it as a liquid, tablet, or sublingual/quick-dissolve tab. Most grocery stores and pharmacies will carry it in the vitamin or diet section. Also, it is not a "more is better" kind of thing, as taking too much can actually disrupt your sleep-wake rhythm.
  22. The "tryptophan ocean" is a myth. Tryptophan, an amino acid, is found in similar quantities in other meats and foods. Steak, chicken, a few servings of cheddar cheese or beans, etc. are just like eating a serving of turkey. The post-Thanksgiving sleepiness is likely due to overeating and consuming a lot of carbs. Hope that helps.
  23. Melatonin is a naturally-occurring hormone with anti-oxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. It's not going to have a laundry list of side effects like a prescription medication. Even in inpatient psych facilities, I have been offered melatonin to try before a sleep med. If it helps someone, it is usually with sleep onset and not maintenance, so you can't expect a knock-out effect like something like Ambien or Seroquel. If you are concerned or have questions about dosing, your pharmacist or pdoc are the folks to consult. Hope that helps.
  24. I just saw this kind reply, mal. It really, truly ruined my life to a degree nobody will ever comprehend. I am fighting placement in a long term care facility and realizing hopelessly that I will never get adequate rehabilitation for brain injury because psychiatrists refuse to admit that ECT can cause diffuse brain damage and cognitive impairment. Next to zero of my entire life of memory has returned, and I cannot access memories at will, without an external cue. All things related to executive functioning and the frontal lobe are trashed. I wet my pants almost daily and drool, cannot recognize faces, cannot read, cannot watch TV, cannot follow conversations, cannot learn or retain information, loss most of my sense of taste, have balance/muscle-coordination impairment, physical symptoms I can't begin to list, severe neurobehavioral and emotional deficits (impulse control, egocentrism, socially inappropriate behavior, violence/aggression, etc). I am apathetic and emotionally fried to a point of zombie-ness. Family and professionals tell me that if I had not been intelligent before this, I would be a complete and total vegetable. I am glad ECT is life-saving for many. It took mine away.
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