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About chessierose

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  1. What country do you live in maydays? Only reason I ask because here in the UK there are laws and mental health acts to protect you from such harsh behaviour by your superiors and i'm hoping there are where you are because if they are and they fired you for that reason, you could sue their asses!
  2. Hello everyone, Well I'm not strictly new here, but I have had a long break lasting about a year and a half so thought I'd reintroduce myself. I'm chessierose, happily married with a daughter who is 1. I have a dual bipolar and borderline diagnoses, combined with anxiety and occasional psychosis. Feeling very lonely at the moment and really need some friends if I'm honest.
  3. I am stable now, my friends death somehow seemed to give me the motivation to sort myself out, get on the right path. I have been without a bad turn for about 6 months, minus mourning obviously. I am on Seroquel for the BP and it's been really successful.
  4. I'm supposed to be starting a new job with the Ambulance Service monday, and I just had to fill in a bunch of forms about my health for health screening, and had to include the fact that I've been off sick twice for prolonged amount time before due to my MI. Can they terminate my offer of employment because of this? I just said it was down to stress at work and home. Will they scrutinize me?? Plus, I quit the job before last because I was signed off sick because I was getting bullied by colleagues but then I have had to put the company as a reference because I had to put 5 years worth of employment references. If this comes up, will they ask me about it, or will they just terminate my employment?? I'm freaking out so much, my anxiety is fucking my life right now I want this job so much so I'm so worried about it!!!!!
  5. He was never very good about talking about things, we never really had a real conversation about 'us'. We'd start and i'd say something like please don't hurt me and he'd just laugh me off and be like don't be stupid. I understand what you're saying about the mourning that the relationship isn't as perfect as i'd like, but i think it's more him that captivates me in that unusual way. Maybe it's because i know him deep down, and that he hides behind the way he is. He said the other night, he is a typical man except without the sleeping with anything that moves and no morals part. I'm pretty sure you're right, it was one sided but it doesn't make me feel less for him. I'm also trying to tell myself that I need to remember that strong bonds and attachment issues are part of being borderline. Doesn't make it any easier though.
  6. The sad thing is, is that I know he feels the same. We had a sort of relationship. The third person argument we had through a friend the other night said it all. I said 'certain people need it literally spelling out to them when someone is genuinely interested' his response 'well yes, certain people do need it spelling out to them, because maybe they are scared of rejection' But how obvious do I need to be? I went round his place every night after work, just to make him feel better, spent several nights there. How much more obvious can I be? Then just to top that all off, I got him a job, then I quit my job so he could keep his because my manager didn't want a couple in the office! But when I'd quit, he got so funny with my, got angry at me. Then we barely spoke for weeks, even when my best friend died for Christ sake, all i got out of him was an occasional blunt text. So I pretty much assumed he had ended our relationship. And yet he still decided to get all moody at me all the bloody time, like the night of the funeral, he called me and I didn't answer, just text saying I don't want you to hear me like this and he just replied saying well that's exactly why I was calling because I knew you'd be upset but okay.... Then, when the conversation of what actually happened the other night, he was like well you just stopped calling me....but what the hell, I tried several times but after a while you realise you're starting to seem desperate, back off and let them come to you and all that. And at the end of the day, I was having a complete mental break down, my best friend died and I'm also caring for my sick Grandmother, it's not like I could exactly be blamed for not calling, surely it would have been the right thing for him to I don't know....perhaps be there for me! I'm really sorry for the ranting and life story here, I just need to get it off my chest. I'm so confused.
  7. My friend managed to throw in a curve ball. We were talking about the situation and he said 'but all these complications that have got in the way of you starting the relationship, they all seem bad, what is actuqlly good about him?' And I trailed off the long list ending with, and he gives me those stupid butterflies, the ones you got when you were a teenager, the ones I havent felt for years..and here are the words he said that have gone over and over in my mind all night; 'C, the problem is, is that you are saying it hurts because you want to forget him, the reason it hurts is because you don't want to have to forget him. If it were me, I'd hold onto that person really tight because realistically you know full well that in your adult life the people who give you the feelings you've descriped are rare to find' People go on and on about how they want to find that special love, the type that makes you go weak at the knees...but they're wrong, because that's the exact type that causes this kind of heartache, the kind that makes you cry and scream and curse at the world because more than anything, you want them. It hurts like hell...
  8. I spent the last 78 damn days and nights, trying to teach myself how to forget a man, that one particular, captivating, curious and confusing man and then I see him for one night when out for a mutual friends birthday, and now I can't think of anything else. I adore him so much it hurts, so much that I just can't bear it anymore. I just want to forget.
  9. Does anybody else wish that the system from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind really existed?? I want to forget him....
  10. Thank you so much for the fast reply. It's really good to know that I'm not the only one who's had this reaction, I just haven't got the energy or motivation to do anything else. I just feel weak for having this reaction.
  11. I just have no motivation right now. Since one of my best friends died on Saturday I've just given up. I've just sat myself on the sofa, and not moved. I just don't know what the hell to do with myself, I don't want to go out, people have offered to come see me; I don't want to see anyone. Has any one got any tips? Any ways they've picked themselves up?
  12. Please help, is it the Zoloft causing this???; I'm having the worst manic episode I have ever experience, feel like I'm losing my mind. Keep starting to panic because I feel like I'm slipping into some kind of hallucination. I can't think straight, my thought process is just non-coherent. I can't even type a grammatically correct sentence. Zoloft so far has caused me extreme nausea and dizziness, when that passed I've had no appetite and heartburn and now I'm having an episode for the first time in 11 months, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? How do I make this go away? I haven't slept in 24 hours and I want to go to sleep, I'm so tired but I can't calm. :wall:
  13. Bit of both really, blurry and faint. Last time I took 100mg SSRI's I was getting terrible heartburn and that's why I stopped, but I thought i'd give them another try. Thanks for the advice
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