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About kr723

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    Being called Momma or Mommy as long as it's not followed by "uh oh, mess!". Hearing people say "I love you". Laughing so hard you snort! Music, Movies, Art...
  1. Anyone else like this too? I can get triggers all the time, often do, and can deal with them decently depending on the subject matter but when I get super intense flashbacks that seem to literally remove most of me, if not all, from the present and into my past. These types are usually warning signs for me that I need to deal with something and that something is whatever the flashback was. Most of the time the trauma I've taken to during a flashback is obvious so I know shortly after having it what I'm dealing with but with the one I had last week I'm clueless and it's driving me nuts and making me unbelievably scared. Anyone else like this?
  2. Thank you for sharing your stories ladies, that is admirable and brave of you to put yourselves out there to give others encouragement that things will get better if you keep trying. I always feel scared to talk about my PPD for fear for being shunned by Mothers I think are "perfect", which logically there is no such thing but from the outside looking it it always appears to me that they are so happy all the time and have children hitting more milestones at faster rates than either of my mine. The grass is always greener on the other side though, isn't it? I wish there was more public awareness for PPD so that those of us who are or who have suffered through it don't feel so alone, embarrassed, guilty and ashamed like I did.
  3. I'm on the 2nd round of treatment with the first one being 20 weeks to go through all of the modules and my therapist thought it would be best to go for another 20 weeks and re-learn the skills. We are finishing up the Emotion Regulation Module which for me is one of the hardest because it triggers me a lot and I find myself having a hard time trying to focus in group or to even just stay the entire class without walking off in hysterics. I especially have a hard time keeping up with the materials and doing the homework and diary cards. It's so much like being in school and I was never a good test taker (ding ding - judgement) so I'm finding myself having a motivational issue with keep my focus on educating myself between the weekly meetings. I have the motivation to get better and part of the lessons are sinking in because a lot has changed in me without even doing all the work and taking notes and those sorts. I just feel like it's time to buckle down and do it right this time in hopes that I can come down from flashbacks faster and really learn how to control my triggers. Last go around with it I learned the biggie "radical acceptance"...that was a hard one. Anyhow, curious to see who is currently taking a workshop like this and if so what section are you working in at the moment? k
  4. I'm pretty sure this is highly frowned upon, posting a link to a blog entry in a forum thread so if that's the case I am super super sorry and if you have to delete because of rules of what have you I totally understand. http://www.crazyboar...e-make-it-stop/ Having said that I am truly freaking out. I'm alone but not alone and still totally unsure how to process and break down what the flashback was all about and what it means for me in the upcoming weeks since generally massive ones like that are like doorways that lead to areas that have to be worked through and cannot be ignored which in the past has led to weeks if not months of depression and intrusive, self harming thoughts which is totally not okay for anyone and I'm the primary caregiver of my twin boys since DH works 2 jobs and daycare is too expensive so going off the deep end is really not an option for me (or anyone if they can avoid it). So for no other reason than total need of approval and support and to help me answer this burning "what the fuck?" question that's burning a hole into my skull I linked my blog entry post. If you are going to comment/make suggestion/give advice (and I pray that you do) please do it on the blog comment section so I can keep track of it better. My brain is scattered enough as it is so that would mean the world to me if you could do that and when I am in the right frame of mind, which clearly is not now, I will gladly (if you'd like of course) offer the same to you if you needed my help or anything....although I don't see why, I'm not exactly qualified. Okay, I'm rambling, I can sense that....oh and on the first entry I know I posted a link to that on this forum as an intro to my intro on what gave my diagnosis and while I am truly unbelievably happy for the validation of my "label" (problem calling it what it is since I have a real issue with owning it). If anyone else has read it, could you do the same there, of course if you want to and I'm not telling you want to write or what not to and perhaps this is me just being pathetic and wanting attention or sympathy or compassion or understanding or just being a real pain in the ass but I'm feeling incredible fragile right now and in desperate need of reassurance. Sorry if that bothered some or all of you. I just feel super isolated and totally alone in my head right now.
  5. Thanks, I'm trying to lay low at home until my session with her on Wednesday but with twin 2 year olds and a husband it's hard to be alone enough to avoid possible triggers.
  6. Thanks for that. I spoke with my therapist today and she said from her memory the last one I had that was this intense had residual effects mentally for about a week or more. It happened on Wednesday and even now on Saturday I am super sensitive, crying a lot and having a lot of triggery type moments that make me abruptly change my focus to prevent a full on attack.
  7. I think just the fact that you can acknowledge that it happened is good all on it's own. Take the word "could" out of it completely because we all did what we had to. In the moment can you ever remember thinking of a strategy to better remove yourself from the event? I know I didn't. I did what I knew and that was to freeze, shut down and internally panic. Unfortunately, I do know that people in my life, in-laws mostly, don't understand at all why, or even if I had "real" trauma, I don't react like any other normal person, i.e them. When they bring that I up I just have to remember to tell myself that they weren't there, they didn't have to make choices like I do/am.
  8. This is me 100%. Growing up I associated PTSD with something that only Veterans of the Military get, like "Gulf War Syndrome" (as they like to call it back then). So since I never really knew different and it all started from the moment I instantly with my entering the world that my life was, for lack of a better word, normal. When my therapist started saying "trauma" and "constant trauma" and "traumatized" during sessions I wasn't sure the word was a fitting word because like others have said, this was normal for me. Even now I after I have had others tell me that my life was far from normal and in fact very traumatic I still have trouble with the term. Of course I don't think it helps when you try and research CPTSD or PTSD and get this explanation from the official source of information..... http://www.ptsd.va.g...omplex-ptsd.asp What types of trauma are associated with Complex PTSD? Judith Herman notes that during long-term traumas, the victim is generally held in a state of captivity, physically or emotionally. In these situations the victim is under the control of the perpetrator and unable to flee. Examples of such traumatic situations include: Concentration camps Prisoner of War camps Prostitution brothels Long-term domestic violence Long-term child physical abuse Long-term child sexual abuse Organized child exploitation rings So then when I'm told I have a diagnosis of C-PTSD and look at this "official list of examples" I start to think my doctor is a complete lunatic that got their PhD from a cracker jack box because my life was cake compared to those examples!
  9. Oh okay, I;m so glad it wasn't something bad I started when I only just got here, I did post some of my story on a new blog I started, here's the link... http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/blog/1355/entry-40209-everything-starts-somewhere/ It's also in a thread further down this page. It was the openness of this thread that made me comfortable.
  10. I hope you didn't think that was goal in asking this question. I'm so so sorry if it appeared that way and frankly I was surprised at how open people were with their responses. I was expecting a simple "one event" or "over time" not a play by play of how the diagnosis was made. I guess I wanted to figure out what type of people I was going to try and get/give support from/to. I'm sorry if it seemed to turn into a competition.
  11. So remember the crippling attack I posted about on Wednesday, the one that pretty much used all of my senses in 1 single massive flashback? Well it's been a while since I've had one like that where I become totally disconnected with my surroundings and as of today, Friday, I'm still feeling paranoid that something will re-trigger me and I'll go to that place again. For you guys that go through those disconnected types of episodes how long did it take you get grounded and away from the fear of flare ups? In the past when I've gotten one this bad it left me with the urge/obsession to investigate it and close it and even those I had some preemptive warning signs that I might get one due to the nature of the current topics in therapy but this one, coming out of nowhere like that, totally unprompted....I don't know. I am scared shitless. SO so scared. Thanks in advance!
  12. I feel the EXACT same way. My whole life I always remember looking at it from a directors point of view, not that I wanted this to be my life but that I wasn't seeing it from my eyes but from somewhere else, higher than me, someone that was able to get a third perspective and witness it that way. I've never met anyone who thought that way too.
  13. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I had to wipe tears away when I read that, it means so much to have someone say that. I've shared a lot with my therapist and she knows a lot, if not all, of what I wrote there. I feel like I jumped around too much and left things out but I figured it was already so long that the mere time it would take someone to read it would steer them away all together. I generally don't have issues with anonymous sharing it's vocalizing it to someone and especially to people like at my DBT workgroup. The only reason I think I've been able to share so much with my therapist is because she allows phone sessions and that way I don't have to be scared. I can take the phone to my safe place and talk there instead of feeling so nakedly exposed in her office.
  14. I wanted to begin to open up about my experience, I don't know maybe I'm feeling a bit more open today because my husband is watching the kids and I'm holed up in my bed with my music and can't hear the craziness of the kids, dog and husband but here goes... It's long and if you don't want to read or get to know my background as to why I'm here that's okay. I get it, there's a lot in there and unfortunately what I was able to write out only grazes the surface. I mean it just lays the ground work for everything else to grow out of I guess. It can be triggering so if you do read be warned. If you do read, and I hope that you do because like I've said in other posts I so want to feel like someone's been where I have and visa versa. So...ummmm....yeah.......before I delete I'm hitting "post" now and walking away... http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/blog/1355/entry-40209-everything-starts-somewhere/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/blog/1355-finding-my-wings/
  15. I have been reading older posts on this forum and the private one and have seen a lot of people state very bravely and courageously the events that happened in their lives to give them the PTSD/CPTSD stamp. For those of you that did this did you find it helpful and/or freeing to release it in a safe way without having to actually say it out loud? How long did it take you to get it out or get the courage to be so brave? When things come up I want so terribly badly to tell someone, or write it down and have someone read it so I know I'm not alone but the words always get trapped and I become so petrified to speak that I shut down. In places like this, around other survivors, I don't want to list my traumatic events because in the grand scheme of life it just feels like I don't have the right to say I have survived trauma. Logically I know if it affected me the way it has than it is trauma but comparably I feel like a cry baby. Does that make sense? Then there is this fear that people think I am making everything up because there is just so much and so many things that happened to me that it seems, even to me, surreal...a bad movie if you will. Does that make sense?
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