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About b@shitcrazy

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  • Location
    Auckland NEW ZEALAND
  • Interests
    Apart from EVERYTHING?

    I'm really interested in people and how we all find meaning and purpose in life. I am absolutely head over feet passionate about surfing my longboard and camping with my girly mates who will head out at any opportunity to head out into the wild, the waves, and have an awesome chat or two along the way. It's wonderful.
  1. I'm keen to work again. However, while I am a hard worker and always want to do my best, I'm very vulnerable to any hint of criticism. I used to be an elementary school teacher, ten year career, and now i'm training in carpentry because my city (Christchurch New Zealand) had an earthquake three years ago which means there is a lot of work in this field. I also had an idea that there would potentially be less drama in this type of work. Not the case. I'm really struggling to get well enough to work. Any ideas? Could I retrain in IT? Is there something I could do? What jobs do you folk have and do you have any idea how to work through BPD and keep a job?
  2. How exactly can I possibly ever believe anyone will ever love me. Not only that. How on earth can I be someone worth being with. I will be terrible in any relationship considering all the things that are fundamentally programmed into my thinking. Although I have behaviour training, and somehow sometimes I can work on my thoughts.. those fundamental fears, and the reason for developing these BPD traits in the first place are still here. No matter how strongly I desire love and to be in a loving intimate relationship, how can I inflict this on someone else?
  3. I need to grow wings. Fluffy warm flighty wings. And with these wings I need to make my way to find you. And hold you safe in the warmth that never ends. Every time I read one of your stories I feel my own story, but it evokes the mother bear in me and I want to come and save you. i wish I could come and be that warmth for you. Please feel my caring wishes and please do not hurt yourself. Be kind to yourself. Please. Sorry for sounding stupid, I mean well.
  4. I really love this. REading it over again. I can't really share how much I appreciate everything you have shared here. I feel like you totally get it completely. A complete stranger... yet also someone who utterly gets it. awww. Thank you
  5. Absolutely just what I needed to hear. Thank you all so much. Yes I agree... I don't want to go play in the mud, I want to learn how to clean it off and learn to dodge it from now on.
  6. Oh ok. Thank you guys. I got quite interested in reading about attachment theory while studying Psychology in 2012. I'm interested in trying to work out how to do the whole, DBT, accept and challenge dynamic thing. I mean, wouldn't it be great to accept that yes it was shitty, yes it may have helped set the tracks for some bad behaviour patterns... AND NOW... we can try... TADAAAAA this..... (whatever that may be)...
  7. Google Doc told me yesterday that the complete loss of appetite i've experienced for months now is in fact part of the whole Diabetes package. It's been almost 25 years since diagnosis. I asked the doctor if that meant I would have to take an injection. Decades later I learn that it was at this moment that the doctor had to distract me while my mum's heart broke down in tears behind me. But it's all good. She'll be right mate. Diabetes, Insulin dependant diabetes, Type One, yes the horrible type, the autoimmune difficiency - means having to explain to people that no... it's not the diabetes you get because you're fat and eat badly. It means people constanty watching and critising everything you do and eat. And then asking questions like, so what do I do if you collapse suddenly on the floor? Do I stab you with Insulin?? The answer is yes. If you want to kill me. That is what you would do. Oh. And then I wonder what would happen if I returned the favour and asked them back.. so what do I do if YOU convulse suddenly on the floor and piss your pants?! Do you have an emergency plan for that? Well that's Ani being the smartass. Most haven't met that version. Google Doc kept talking. I kept reading. It was shit. The constant and profuse sweating that I thought was just a natural consequence of all the physical labour i've been doiung lately, well, that's diabetes too. My body can no longer regulate it's temperature which means I actually rain sweat down my face when I'm doing even the smallest task. The autonomic nervous system that runs through the whole body is in fact starting to shut down. My digestive system. Oh yes, you probably won't be able to keep anything in or control when it comes out. My hands. They don't close anymore. Not since October last year. Swollen. Painful. And losing strength daily. My balance. Going going .... My eyesight. Yup. Also losing that. My feet. They don't feel hurt anymore. In fact. If they get infected and I don't notice. They get the chop. Why am I posting this here? Because I just want someone to know. Why do I need someone to know? Because no one knows. Because I don't want to go through this alone. But you are going through this alone. Yes but. Not if someone knows about it. ? Maybe? So it's motivating. I look after my blood sugar levels and the amount of insulin in my body. I can now afford almost enough each week to eat better. If you've asked me why I gave up teaching and started building, THIS is the reason. Because moving and staying physically active is good for this body, and for the mind. The soul gets a kick out of it also. The day I stop moving, the day it simply hurts too much to lift that hammer, to throw those rocks, to dig that earth, and climb up that ladder, that is the day I go for my last surf. I'm sure there is a lot of space/time between now and then. A lot. How much is a lot? None of us really know. I know it's not long now. The last two years where these diabetes complications have crashed into my life, expected but not REALLY expected, have given me time/space to measure, treasure, and value the moments life can give. I should be coming to terms with this as an eighty year old... at LEAST! I should be coming to terms with this having lived a life with a husband and children and a dog and a fat cat. Should should should. But, like with everything else, and like everyone else... i'm completely different. And i'm living right now. And I'm smiling. Also crying. Because the regrets are accompanied with thoughts of gratefulness and wonder. How did I get so lucky? Do I feel sorry for myself? YESS! But it's much worse for those close to me. And for those who I will have to leave behind. I know it's hard and I'm sorry. I want to share this. Because I hope, in my last days.. that i'm not doing this alone.
  8. Yes. To everything you say. Yes. Hate ALL THE THINGS!!! It's my story too. I am female and I would also 'control' myself in front of docs. Until one day I realised this helped NO-ONE. You are the expert on you. Keep bloody chasing until you find someone who helps. Because it's impossible to get better on your own. Well, I don't know, but it was a hell of a lot MORE possible with the help I needed. Please, friend, I encourage you with all my jedimindtrickwillpowerenergy to insist on doing something about it. Because you will feel differently when you do. (I believe)
  9. ... what comes next seems to be something vital to progress with BPD. DBT in 2012 was life changing. I am forever thankful for the skills that I now have. But I feel like there is now no progressing unless I get to address the things that actually set everything off in the first place. (the nurture part of the nature/nurture equation that equals BPD). How the hell does this begin to happen? Has anyone here been able to address those horrible histories and accept them in such a way that they no longer have such an influence on your relationships? Does anyone know about attachment theory? And if you have, is it possible to begin trusting more, and being less fearful? um. Help please? ... a note about INCREDIBLE in the topic title...It really has been incredible! I have been reading the topics where you have been shARING how painful things are at the moment. Can I please say that I know for a fact that things get so much better. It's mind blowing to read these posts and remember how intense and devastating those emotions WERE. I know they are still here and I still struggle... but OH MY GOSH i never could have imagined, way back then, that it would ever feel so empowering to use skills mindfully as a natural resource in your day.
  10. Dear Penny It has been a year since I began the hard work of healing. A year since I read your post at the top of this thread and it ding ding dinged the ring of truth for me. And I have worked my way through the DBT programme here in Auckland and have happily been discharged free of any of the 9 characteristics I started off with. What an incredible wonderful process it has been! It has been the absolute best year of my life and so very worth every inch of struggle. I am very happy to have also found that stable sense of self. I would like to share my thanks and support for everyone else who has also discovered themselves in the best way possible. Reading your post made the hard work something I really looked forward to. Strength and happiness to us all. And to everyone who is still in the process of struggling... please keep on with it.. the results are so very wonderful. ;D And you're not alone. and AND... you have SO much to contribute!!! Please don't take too long to figure that one out. Ani
  11. I find that unfortunately my solution to all of these hard issues people are sharing is quite maladaptive. Sorry, I've just finished class in psychology... I mean, I think that it's not good that I avoid ALL relationships because the feeling that they will fug off for whatever reason is too much to handle. I realise that while I'm chronically lonely ALL the time and feel so empty, as some say is quite characteristic for us diagnosed with BPD, I am absolutely terrified of forming any kind of close attachment, and even break stuff off before they can form. I don't do this on purpose.,. It just happens. I get terrified of even the very beginning stages of friendships and the like. it's not as if I'm a recluse sitting in my quiet corner here.. most people seem to describe me as very outgoing and social... but it's not who I am. Sorry for talking about me. I really do relate to every single story here and it's driven me crazy in the past. Why can't I have normal enjoyment without the double edged sward complex of it also being terrifyingly scary at the same time? Why can't I just live in the moment and enjoy the now... without aching so much when i'm not with one that I love or care about.... grump grump grump. I would just like to say please keep us informed of progress and know that there are people out there.. even all the way in New ZEaland here who really care because we really really really understand, having lived through these emotions time and again.. ;D
  12. I have no idea either. I know that in one previous relationship I was in, I was severely insecure about things. He was the kind of person that puts a lot of value in how someone looks, and was always appreciating how other women looked. I felt insecure about this and believed that he didn't love me, I would get hurt and get upset, shut down, cry, distance myself.. and at it's worse lash out in rage and yell why wasn't I good enough. What I'm saying is that I didn't realise how much I was hurting him. Aparantly he DID love me, and it hurt him that I didn't believe him. How does this relate to your question?? Um. it probably doesn't, only that like you, I wasn't aware of what it was that I was doing that was causing hurt. I've also hurt my parents many times by not knowing or believing or thinking that they loved me, when in fact, they did all along... every minute. Does anything here make sense to you?
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