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About sinisteria

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    on the borderzone

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    existence, learning to cope with it, music, film, art in general, animals, mind, love, new things, psychology, ..nah my intrests depend on my moods.
  1. I actually see spiders and some other insects, that aren't there, sometimes on my blanket when i wake up, on the walls.. I can stare at them for a while, allready convinced that they aren't really there, and at that point I'm not even afraid anymore, bcos I know it's a hallucination, but they trick me for sometime, and slowly disappear - back to litttle blue spots on my blanket, patterns on the wall..... I'm BPD, and I know that shouldn't be a symptom of it... ? but i think it also occurs for me mostly when trying some new med, or occasionally taking mirtazapine, which is not a good med for me..
  2. Thankyou Everyone! and pardon my english is a bit confusing sometimes.
  3. Hi there all, It's about time to make an introductionish sort of a thing. Umm, hello.. I've been lurking here for about a week or two, not really sure, cause I've lost my sense of time.. But I've allready found this board very helpful and gratifying. Good people, good stuff, indeed. I'm in a pretty troubled situation in my life at the moment, but keen on getting better. Hope to chat, messageboard, and exhange shit (and diamonds too) with people here! -Sin Current dx: Borderline personality disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, (still) unidentyfied continual major depression. meds: citalopramin, mirtazapin, and -not in proper therapy yet.
  4. Hey Registered Nut, I see and feel your problems. Everybody has different situations with BPD, and with their lives. Getting proper help isn't easy for all. I wish I could answer something wise to you, but Im also just seeking for help. But the thruth is that you can recover, it is possible, even if the circumstances are difficult. Myself, I can't start therapy, cause I dont have money for it. But something will be arranged sooner of later. Im sure it's good for you to talk about this with your current therapist too, and also keep in mind what Penny said about meditation, you could try and go for it too. I'm sure it is not a waste of time. There is hope, and just try and talk to your therapist or other sources, who can help to bring you good treatment and care! My situation is quite different also. I've recognized that there's something wrong with me since I don't even remember... And I always had the feeling of sickness, or wrongness... and realised it's not all going like it should be. Also I know my childhood wasnt all ok, I've been dealing with it, or dealing with the parts I can remember.. So, ofcourse, accepting and realising is important, but especially if depressed, one needs good treatment. Yes, I'ts a rough road, but I have the feeling, that if I'll survive this, it's a huge strength and will bring also wisdom and happiness. Respect your broken mind (body, soul), accept it, and heal it. Or let it heal in the process. edited for some typo's
  5. Excuse me, did your boyfriend dump you after you showed him that book ? cause I've been suddenly dumped and abandoned in a very ugly way, and my ex bf sent me a litany of "symptoms" of BPD, and that walking on eggshells seemed to be the source of that knowledge... I've been reading just medical websites, mostly in my own language, and found much better info than the blaming-black and white-shite he sent me. I'm in the beginning too. But im so depressed i don't know if i can handle anything now. But nice to find this forum.
  6. whoa, so this is propably the place for me to open up too. Many things you people write about are very familiar. A Psychiatrist first mentioned borderline about five years ago. I had felt most of the feelings mentioned above, and had had serious episodes of sudden rage, almost always when drunk though. I got to know the diagnosis, got meds and started seeing a professional, she wasnt an actual therapist though. It helped, cause I've always been quite reflective, I judge myself and try to change. But I think my boyfriend at that time was helping me alot. He knew how to react, and he made me feel that he is not going anywhere ( <3 <3 <3 ) But I was afraid, allways afraid. When I fight, and the other one leaves, or in any situation when my loved one is elsewhere, I'm afraid somethings going to happen to him, and I act like a caring and worried mother... I've thought Im emphatic too.. I always think, that theres no time to be wasted angry and want to solve arguments, cause Im too afraid he will die when we are in the middle of a quarrel. Shit, my english is not letting me express myself completely, but at the moment I am too unfocused and anxious to try writing better and looking for words and phrases from dictionaires... I'm just going to tell you this. My latest boyfriend (together for almost 2 years, which is not long for me, but for him it is) just suddenly left me without explanation, and without a decent conversation. I will tell more about it later, but you can imagine, how it feels like, for a sensitive shit like me, a BPD-girl... I've never experienced anything as bad, I've been in hell really. I've split up before, Im almost 30, and have had also peaceful and just breakups. I was also like that as a childand my father was/is an alcoholic who forgot me somewhere a couple of times, mum was always late at work, and I cried like a baby in front of the window, every day sure something has happened to her. My first serious relationship helped me, and this latest, made me 50% worse in every aspect. He knew, that this is the worst he can do to me, and he did it, without warning. I am fucked and messed up right now. I've been drinking and indoors for like a month. But I tell you, I dont think he is quite ok himself, I mean, not everyone would do that kind of a thing in that way... I'm really suspecting narcissim in him. And not because I see things black and white, but because I see the way he's been, and I've even managed to talk to a few people, and even though he made me feel like I am a fucked up crazy bitch and should doubt my every thought, not everybody agrees with him. Sorry if this sounded like a twelve year old had written it, but I'm sorta feeling terrible right now.
  7. Ok, Crazy_cat_lady, you seemed to have written about the meds I've tried "on" already. Thanks for that. Efexor really seems to be the devil for BPD:s ???
  8. Hey people, I don't understand anything about medication. Some years ago, I got help from combining something like therapy (poor man's therapy so to say) and a medicine called : citalopram ? anyone ? Now I'm on it again, and I suppose it helps a little... I take just 20 mg. It's supposed to be a medicine that stabilizes the moods. But I don't know, is it actually an ssri -med? At one point I took similar med to effexor, called venlaflaxin actavis, and it made me puke everyday, could not sleep, had anxiety, and my boyfriend left me - he told me i had a rage-episode, but actually i just sent him a textmessage.. i suppose it could've been rage...but to me it was anger. Anyway, I think that the effexor had a bad influence on me. Does someone know anything about my meds `?
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