Sorry for using the forum thing as a topic post...
Possible Trigger warning!
To start off, I am going to say that I do not and WILL not talk to my ex boyfriend (or get back with him)
This is kind of a ranty post due to the fact that blogs are down and I want to see if other people have been through this is well and how/when they stopped feeling this way. Bear with me?
I am still having a very hard time accepting the fact that my ex boyfriend abused me to gain control over me...even though it is becoming VERY obvious.
I think of his childhood, the way he was brought up, his pain and anger...and think "Well, maybe that's why he is so aggressive?" but just because he grew up a certain way doesn't mean he HAD to do the things he did to me.
Sometimes I would think to myself, "Oh well, maybe it's just the drugs or the alcohol talking? He didn't mean to hurt me..." as now I am starting to believe he really just wanted to have power over me.
(This isn't really my question for others right now...)
My big question (to people who abuse others/try to be the "dominant" person) is why? What is it that makes you want to have control over another living creature?...Is it because you were abused? Neglected? Because your ex left you and you're afraid I'm going to leave?...even though you beat her...?
It makes no sense to me. I don't understand WHY he wanted that much power over me...why he felt the need to keep me hidden from the world and tried to make me look less appealing, hurled insults my way, beat me, tormented me through hurting others...it doesn't make sense!
I feel awful, because even though I KNOW he was in the wrong! Even though I KNOW he wanted power over me...I still love him and feel sorry for him. I don't want to! I don't want to say "Oh, well he didn't mean to." anymore. He CHOSE to abuse me...I don't get it! I really don't.
I was wondering how other survivors dealt with this? I don't know how to explain this, because I know he doesn't deserve my love, and still yet, I feel a love for him.
Am I crazy?...Is this normal?
I don't want to beat myself up for it anymore. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused.