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MellaBlue

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Everything posted by MellaBlue

  1. You can get used to anything in life. I've given up on having a social life.
  2. I have an entire alternate life in my head. I've always fantasized. Really it's better than my reality. Escapism
  3. My dad called me a "fucking nutcase" once. He's not the parent that matters so I don't expect much from him. I told him I couldn't wait to pull the plug when he's on his deathbed. My best friend told me I would have to find someone very tolerant. That was the worst thing she ever said to me but she didn't mean it in a mean way.
  4. I see my doctor every 4 months. A lot can happen in 4 months. I just saw him in July. The last time I was depressed he didn't change my meds he just suggested I join a bowling league. I've gone through periods where I didn't feel like reading but I felt really good. not mania or hypomania just giddiness. I feel very strange.
  5. I've been doing really well for 19 months. Functional and happy. But that's all over now. It's been so long that I've forgotten what depression feels like so I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not. I'm definitely feeling anhedonia and boredom. Kind of numb and blank. I'm on Geodon and it has worked for the most part. I can't seem to read anymore and that is how I spend most of my time so now I'm at sea.
  6. I'm also bored. I felt anxious earlier but now I feel like I have an overabundance of time.
  7. I tried lithium for about two months but I was depressed because I lived with my parents in a depressing small town.
  8. I'm on Geodon and it doesn't do anything for my depression. But I no longer get manic or hypomanic. I haven't been manic since the fall of 2011. I was super functional, worked 3 jobs and was very loquacious. With the geodon I have no sex drive to the point that I now identify as asexual. I was better off without the medicine. I miss the mania. It feels so good like a natural high. Except for spending money recklessly. Does anyone else feel this way?
  9. I have 3 friends but they're all busy working and dating and having a life. I don't really like people. I'd say the danger is if what if you need a favor? In college before I made friends I had to get my car fixed and I had no one to drive me home and back to the dealership. A guy that worked there had to drive me home and pick me back up the next morning. Embarrassing.
  10. I've been on Luvox, zoloft and risperdal. They caused weight gain and mania. I like the geodon because it's weight neutral. I tried Lithium but it didn't do anything but cause dry mouth. I live in a small town and there's not a lot of resources. I was volunteering at a cat shelter but I got burnt out. Before this latest episode I spent several weeks just not wanting to do anything. Boredom and tedium. I realized I had no reason to get out of bed and then all of a sudden I was depressed.
  11. I've filed for disability. And it was hard over Thanksgiving because my dad and my cousin's friend both work for Social Security and they were disparaging our area and talking about how people don't want to work. My parents pay my bills but I don't live with them.
  12. I'm 31 and the longest relationship I had lasted 4 months. I tried online dating and i had some success with it when i lived in Pittsburgh. I dated a woman when I was living with my parents but I couldn't sustain it because of my depression. I had nothing to offer her. One good thing about geodon is that it kills my sex drive so I have no need to date.
  13. I have no friends just my parents. I'm lonely too but being around people just makes me feel worse.
  14. I was told I have bpd when I was 19 and I don't agree with that diagnosis. My symptoms have gotten worse as I've gotten older.
  15. Does anyone else feel like this? I'm on Geodon and when I'm depressed it's like my brain just stops working. I don't feel anything I'm just numb. I can't do anything. I can hardly drive. I don't even call it depression just non-functioning. I tried going off the meds and the depression manifested as a physical pain and I would be on the verge of crying. This latest episode just kinda snuck up on me. I don't do anything and I have no friends, just my parents. I was more functional without the medication. My pdoc didn't do anything just suggested I join a bowling league. I'm not suicidal but I have no reason to live.
  16. I'm introverted and asocial most of the time. I don't really have social anxiety. The only thing that made me socialize in the past was weed. You have to know someone to get it and it brought me out of myself so I could socialize, even though I'm very bizarre on weed. I didn't socialize in high school and in college I didn't know how. I had the attitude that no one was worth talking to. I'm not rejecting anybody. Nobody talks to me. I'm invisible much of the time. I've always had a very active fantasy life and that has sustained me. But I don't have anything real. Nobody cares what I have to say so I don't talk to anybody. When I was manic I talked a lot but now I have nothing to say.
  17. I consider myself ill. I've filed for disability. I think of it more like a defect. My brain stops working and I can't do anything. My family is in denial.
  18. My life is a big nothing. I can't work. My friends are all busy with life. I only have my parents. I've filed for disability but am very nervous that I'll get denied. My depression started in high school. It manifests itself as complete non-functioning. I'm on Geodon but it doesn't do anything. I went off it and I was in physical pain. With it I'm just numb. It cured my libido and my personality which is why I stay on it. It cures my desire for things I can't have. I've been told I have a personality disorder which I don't agree with. I'll have to kill myself when my parents die. They're 70 and 64 and in relative good health. Probably 20 more years. I can't stand 20 more years of this. I can't afford a gun. Jumping is too scary. Pills take too long. I have nothing to live for. I read the other posts on here and I can't relate. People have lives and families. I'm not a real person. I'm a maladaptive daydreamer which I don't always think is a bad thing. I can't maintain.
  19. I've been on Geodon for two years. It does nothing for my defect. It causes handtwitching and facial tics. I don't get manic anymore but it does nothing for my depression. I ran out of it last summer and I didn't sleep for six days. When I first took it I slept for 3 days strait.
  20. I have 3 friends and only one lives near me. I hung out with her until her husband complained. They are all working, dating and living life so they don't have any time for me. It was so hard for me to make friends in college because I lived alone. When I'm not depressed I'm asocial. I think it depends on the person. I don't have the ability to meet people or make friends. I've tried online dating but haven't been successful with it.
  21. I showered yesterday because I was going to be around my family. But I don't shower or brush my teeth for weeks. I don't change my clothes or do laundry.
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