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About Squid

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    bicycles wrapped abound tentacling bears

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    Massachusetts, USA
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    art, web design
  1. I've felt different my entire life. Even as a very young child. I was doing origami and drawing still lifes at ages 2-4...and doing them well. I would ignore my classmates and draw because they were rowdy (SO DAMNED LOUD). Everyone is so damned loud. Even nowadays, people hurt my ears. I made my first friend in the 5th grade. Speaking aloud is so difficult for me. I usually just don't say much. Once in a while someone will seem interested in a topic I'm in love with and I'll have a great conversation, but usually fitting in makes me feel like I am grating my brain with a cheese grater. I excel at math/science/physics/etc, but my ADD is so bad that I just draw in class and remember everything for the final still...if I try to pay attention I fail....otherwise I get 4.0s...I guess cause drawing calms me down. I dont know...... My intelligence is lopsided. I'm working with a rehab counselor, and she had me take an IQ type test to see where I was at, and I had all below average scores (which is new) but my nonverbal reasoning was so high that the test couldn't measure it accurately. So i have a cognitive dysfunction because of that lopsidedness (which ive always had, it's just worse now). Never been in a relationship. I look good I guess cause girls flirt with me but nothing ever goes anywhere...I have no clue what to say... and I need so much alone time that they flee, lol.... etc etc, holy shit, everybody needs to stop fucking talking so loudly Anyways, I don't know what's different about me besides the Bipolar disorder...my family thinks something else is going on....I know I am gifted in some sort of unusual way, but......I dunno....I feel alien....I am happy being alone , but I also wish I were able to make friends =[ So iduno if this sounds like autism or something else...perhaps I'm just hugely introverted. I don't know.
  2. LOL. ^ This I'm held accountable for my actions. The rest of the article is equally laughable until proven. Till then it's some author looking for attention with nonsensical psycho-nonsense.
  3. You will learn the indicators as you experience the different states of your illness. Some DEFINITE signs though that I am high: sleeping less. Being unable to stay awake or unable to fall asleep. Any sort of disturbance is a sign. if my focus is "TOO good", it feels really nice, but like, you know when you are unable to tear yourself away from something? I get that really excessively...It's great for learning but a definite sign that something is wrong. Having 3-4 coherant threads of thought going at once. It's quite useful for a lot of tasks, but anything more than 2 threads is a sign that I'm in a bad spot. If I get all that stuff going on I call my doctor and she usually has me up my AAP for a couple days. Usually It's better by the next day. A good nights sleep seems to reset everything to a healthy spot.
  4. Not only does caffeine make you pee more, but it's also a drug. Using it can promote things like depression or even psychosis... It's not a harmless drug and it is quite potent. I think it's best to avoid caffeine altogether, same with alcohol, LSD, cannibis, etc =P In my case... I kicked a heavy caffeine habit 6 months ago and have been very stable ever since... Before that it was 8 years of non stop depression/instability. Someone gave me some matcha powder (quite strong tea) which I've been having this week periodically....and I've been less stable. I'll have it when I wake up and by the end of the day I am hypomanic.....and unable to sleep....then the next day I am trashed and sluggish. Your mileage may vary.
  5. By the way, as someone already said, you ALWAYS will fall into the depression if you don't treat the hypomania. Furthermore, this illness is much more about the down than it is the "up" moods. If you don't take care of yourself you'll end up being depressed most of the time. Or worse. So really, hypomania does end up giving you a short term benefit, but long term, you will be more productive and happy if you follow the treatment plan and followup with your doctor... get exercise, eat well, etc. Oh and SLEEP WELL. Go to bed and get up at the same time every night. If you fuck up your circadian rhythm your mood will go haywire. Alcohol, some people can't drink, some can... If your mood is whacky I'd suggest you don't drink at all and then at a later point you try having a little and see for the next few days what happens (or just completely abstain, it's not that hard!) blah blah blah
  6. My dad takes lithium orotate. It works for him. He has a "mood disorder", but it's not very serious and not specified as any specific disease. Lithium orotate is probably better for healthy people who aren't pregnant or breastfeeding. With lithium carbonate (RX) they periodically measure your blood levels and change dosing accordingly if needed, and also they eventually measure your kidney function and watch that over the years too. Everyone is different. I take 900mg of lithium carbonate but that might put the level too high for somebody else, and they could get sick. (it's toxic to your body, but good for your brain) I'm pretty much at the highest reasonable dose for me...anything higher and I would get some icky side effects. That sort of control is only possible with a prescription and a lab. Thus, I get much more benefit than my father does from lithium.
  7. I used to handle alcohol fine. Now I can't even have half a beer. It messes up my mood for days, pretty immediately. The stress vulnerability models totally apply to this discussion. Pretty simple concept. The more substances, the lower your resistance to stress, the more likely you are to develop a variety of negative psychological problems (depression, psychosis, etc). A lot of things can cause stress and your stress changes over time, so one could make the argument that alcohol is a bad idea for MI people. I feel like anyone who is at all unstable w/ their mood should do a test run for a few months without any alcohol. It made a huge difference for me. I also feel that because of kindling, anyone who is unstable should do everything they can to diminish that instability...For their long term health. I wish I had someone shoving that down my throat 8 years ago.
  8. Yeah... lithium is actually the most effective and least harmful mood stabilizer (as far as I know).... it can regenerate some of the damage caused by the illness ...and it helps a little with depression in some people.
  9. That list of names, most of it is speculation. People who change the world for the better are good people, and some of them happen to be bipolar. Hypomania is bad, and should be squelched. It is damaging to your health. It progresses your illness. Do yourself a favor and don't convince yourself that you can benefit from hypomania. When I was hypomanic I had an IQ of 170 or so. When I was healthy I had an IQ of 150. I enjoyed the hypomania a little too thoroughly. I triggered it occasionally. Suddenly I was full blown BP I because I didn't take care of myself. The past 8 years have been ABSOLUTE hell because I didn't take take care of myself or because I triggered the hypomania.. And you know what? I have all sorts of measurable brain disorders now. My IQ is 110, but I'm dysfunctional in a lot of ways mentally to boot. Speaking in clear sentences...any sort of verbal task or anything requiring me to remember anything...I'm shit-useless. If you want a bunch of brain damage, convince yourself that hypomania is a good thing, or that you will go far because of your hypomania. I can barely take care of myself as a result.
  10. It's okay if people see your anxiety. I get full on tremors when I am anxious. My hands become useless. Rarely will anyone ask me about it, and if they do I just explain what's going on. It's a mix of anxiety and other medications causing it. I used to have the same fear of blushing, really bad. Exposure therapy solved it. Neat thing about exposure therapy, is it usually isn't more anxiety provoking than avoidance is... and if you continue with it, it gets much easier. You may even start to feel gutsy about all your other anxieties after a while and start to whittle those down too. It's an avalache of awesomeness!!! =)
  11. I'm really really introverted. Additionally I do have some social phobia. I kind of enjoy how things are now, my friends are all out of state now so I don't have to come up with reasons why I can't don't want to get together. I enjoy alone time and am alone most days except for like, chatting with the neighbors?? Which I enjoy. And I go for a walk with one of my parents a couple times a week. I don't really get lonely. I do get depressed but I think that's just bound to happen because I'm bipolar. Do all humans need direct and regular contact with others' in order to be happy?? My mom basically tells me that I'm depressed because I am isolated. I don't agree. It's irritating because she is a complete extrovert so I feel like she's got no clue =p
  12. Yeah, Yeah, I've talked to the pdoc. She can't figure it out. It's been going on for like a year, and I figured as a last ditch I would ask here. =[ Switched from risperdal to seroquel because I had something telling me that risperdal was activating me. I don't even know if it can at a low dose. MEH. Oh well, thank you both dearly. =)
  13. I don't know what it's like to be close to anyone. I've fucking lost that. I'm 27, and I've never been in a relationship. My closest friends all have moved away and have their own lives. I am by myself 24/7 except for when I visit my doctors. I see them all being happy. My parents, my friends, my doctors. I've lost that too. I'm not happy. I'm working on carving out a career for myself, but it's not rewarding. Nothing I do is rewarding. I'm inept and stupid. There is no more reflecting. I'm just pissed. I reflect every day on this crap. It's just never going to be fair. Over the past 7 years my IQ has dropped 40 points. My memory has become useless in the past 3 years, and now i've got several disorders regarding that to go along with MI. Yeah, this is awesome. Reflecting, not for me.
  14. Flings bore me. "When will this end?" I think. I'm weird. Intimate sex with someone I care about, that, is the best. Like snuggling with a new crush. Bonding, connection, etc. That has happened once in my life. So I tend to avoid sex till I know someone more. And since no one will date me because although attractive, I am a disabled, bipolar male. So it's pretty hard to find someone who is interested. So I masturbate a lot. I look at porn. I wish I didn't. Oh well. I tend to just think about sex. Nothing wild. It's nowhere near as nice as real intimate sex with someone I care about. I get distracted and think about random shit often. Porn keeps me focused. I hate to suggest thing, but have you read up on sex addiction in women? Some of what you say sounds sex addict-y. Also, bipolar people are more prone to sex addiction I think. Could be worth investing 5 minutes in googling the subject, see what you think.
  15. ^ this. It's really safe. The main downside is it is hard on your kidneys, but not everyone has trouble with that. It's actually good for both healthy and unhealthy brains and nerves. If you take lithium, it allows your brain to regenerate large amounts of degenerated brain volume. For bipolar people, that means you've got extra protection, because the disease causes damage to the frontal lobes. It undoes what would normally be permanent damage. EDIT: Here's a link talking about the various effects of lithium. It does even more than what I said already. http://discovermagazine.com/2010/the-brain-2/27-metal-marvel-mended-brains-50-years-lithium
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