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Katie2010

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About Katie2010

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    Woman
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    California

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  1. I feel so incredibly hopeless. I recently relapsed into self injury after stopping for the past four years. I felt absolutely hopeless to stop it from happening. Even when I was doing it, I heard the voices of every therapist and pdoc I ever saw telling me to stop. I knew my family and friends would be there but I felt powerless to stop. I needed the pain to stop. I couldn’t and still can’t talk about it. It felt like it was the only way to stop from doing something way worse. Because of my job, I’m scared to seek help. I keep it all in and everyone thinks I’m okay. In fact, most people view me as a source of great mental health as fucked as that sounds, while I go home and hurt myself. I make people laugh all day and then go home and wonder why I’m even here. All the bad things, the painful memories I smile away and secretly die at home with. I needed some place to write this if for nothing else, I needed to get it out in to the world somehow, even if no one even knows who I am.
  2. Thanks for your response Mia. I feel like what you said was pretty much along the same thought patterns I was having. I still have those urges today but have been figuring it is because I want to avoid what's going on in my life. I was doing so well and reached my goals in therapy I was discharged. I have this awkward sense that going back would be like admitting that I can't handle things on my own, that I failed again if that makes sense. That the staff would put a giant failure in my chart. I realize this is totally irrational but it's just how I feel. I've been in therapy for so long that I wonder if I'll ever be done or if I have some dependency on therapy.
  3. I haven't cut in almost a year. Today, I got into a bad verbal fight and I went on auto-pilot to the store to go buy stuff. Anyway, I didn't buy anything but it scares me that I lacked consciousness on going to the store. Does anyone else do those unconscious behaviors who have been in remission for a while?
  4. Thanks for your input; it really helps! Just as an update, I brought this up with my treatment team even before I posted here. We have been monitoring them to see why they are occurring now. However, they have been decreasing with a new anti-anxiety med. I just wondered if anyone else experiences these things because sometimes I feel crazy when I try and explain my symptoms to mental health professionals.
  5. I went to the dr after I was raped. I had a forensics exam which was incredibly traumatizing for me after my rape. When I went to the gyno I basically just told her I was raped. I'm not really comfortable. She said she was sorry for what happened to me and said if I felt uncomfortable to let her know and she would stop. She then explained everything she was doing during the exam so I knew what was going on. Honestly she made it so much better by not judging and just saying everything that she did.
  6. So I've been hearing voices of caution and every noise imaginable. They aren't commanding in nature or of others voices I know or don't know. I feel scared when I hear them. To clarify the voices aren't scary, They seem to be a result of me being afraid. I'm not schizophrenic or psychotic. I'm just wondering if anyone else diagnosed has ever heard voices when triggered by their trauma that scare them? This is really starting to freak me out. Any advice or thoughts welcome.
  7. So, I relapsed again. Been doing a lot of processing and had a trigger I couldn't cope with. And so I cut again. But it was bad, worse than I've ever done and it scares me. I got some sick sense of accomplishment like I leveled up or something in my self injury. I'm scared about how far I took it, that I'll do it again. I don't know what to do. Scheduling with my therapist, I don't know, if it hasn't helped now I don't really see it helping. I really think some anxiety meds would be helpful but psychiatrist won't prescribe because he doesn't think I have an anxiety disorder. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything feels like it lacks purpose. I feel so lost and unmotivated.
  8. I feel like I'm slipping overall back into a down and I can't seem to stop it. It hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore.
  9. Me too panda. I feel the same way. I just started a new med. Let's start day 1 again together.
  10. I was one day shy of three months. I cut. I feel horrible but at the same time I feel relief. Again, I failed.
  11. Doing okay, it's nearly been 3 months with no cutting. It's been really hard lately but trying my best to avoid it.
  12. I've increased my therapy sessions and my pdoc is helping me stay out of the hospital because that never goes anywhere good. Doing much better now. Thanks.
  13. I just want to die. I don't know what to do anymore. Hospitals don't help. Meds don't help. I'm just always going to be like this. I feel no purpose, nothingness. I just can't fight anymore. I feel like I have nothing left. Everyone I see is judgmental and think I act like this for attention. They literally say I'll always be this way bc I have bpd. Like a death sentence. Part of me wants to just prove them right, be another statistic. I just don't care anymore.
  14. It's been four days now. Usually the thoughts go away. They just keep getting stronger. Those voices in my head telling me to hurt myself. Sometimes I don't even know if those voices are real. I'm tired of my BPD and my bipolar and the long list of shit that's wrong with me. I'm tired of fighting and making poor excuses for attempts. I am just at a point where I don't know how to do it anymore. I feel like I'm snapping and I don't know how to come back. I'm sorry for posting.
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