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About Josieshs

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  • Location
    Louisville, KY USA
  • Interests
    Surfing the net, watching tv, going to school
  1. For a few months now life has just seemed to stressful. I dread getting the kids ready for school in the morning, in fact I'm not feeling motherhood at all. I contantly think of how great life would be if I didn't have children. School has been getting on my nerves. I hate going and can barky force myself to do homework. I hate living in the house I'm in, it's just too small and too old. Something is always breaking, but hubby doesn't want to move. I hate how it always seem like my house is a mess. I don't see how other mothers can keep clean houses. No one, not even hubby helps clean. I haven't slept all the way throught the night in who knows how long. It started out as tossing and turning all though the night but now it's just waking up and lying there.Before I didn't think I becoming depressed. I didn't have mood swings, wasn't realy sad, and I could function as usual. The end of Nov hit. I had a doctors appiontment on the 30th. Everthing went fine untill the end when I had to make my next apiontment. I was told that my account was in collections and I couldn't come back untill it was payed off. I became worried, but figured I would be okay. I got to were I hating cooking and only wanted fastfood. I stared skipping meals. Most days i would nly eat dinner. Then My husband had the month of December off work for the holidays (he works food service at a university). That was good because he was here with me all day. He spends most of the day sleeping. I still had no help with the kids, cleaning, or cooking.Two days after Christmas things went down hill. I started feeling miserable. Started hatimg everything about my life. I want to become anorexic or balemic and I want to be a hoarder. Life is just to hrd to live right now. I don't want to die or anything. I have been wanting to hurt myself. I have been wanting to take drugs. I have been wanting to drink alcohol and caffine, Next week hubby goes back to work and I'm afraid that i may hurt myself when I'm here alone. I have no where to turn to. I hate feeling like this and I can't take it any more.
  2. Check and see if the state youl live in offers grants or loans to its residence. Here in Kentucky they do. My schools finacial aid office recomemded checking out the site www.fastweb.com. You can sign up and they match you up with scholarships or you can just browse them all.
  3. My appiont ment next month is with my regular doctor. 2 other times I had to see a different doc and they were fine. The woman I seen was older, looked to be in her late 50's, so I don't know if that has any thing to do with. I'm going to tell my regular doc what she said.
  4. Monday when I went to the doctor I seen a student. He was nice and seemed to know what he was talking about. When i told him about how the meds were making me feel before and then stoped working, he said well it sounds like your meds will need to be changed. After talking to him a Doctor came in, one I had never seen my regular doc had taken son time off. Don't get me wrong she was nice and all, but I don't think she knows what she was talking about. She asked be about what happened Sunday and about me punishing myself. I told her that Sunday I knew that I need to go to the hospital, but I was scared. Then she said that ok because you didn't need to go since the thought were about a specific person. That right there already made me think she was crazy. Then she said I'm going to put you back on the same meds at the same dose. I asked if she was sure because they stoped woking in December. She told me that lithium can take up to 6 months to take effect. I'm not that stupid, so I don't believe that. I was on the lithium from July, 11 to January, 12 and thats 6 month. I asked that if the maina and hypomania didn't stop after a couple of weeks if I should call and she said no wait to your next appiontment. At the end of the appiontment she told me to only go to the hospital if I wanted to kill myself or hurt someone else. I know there are times you need to go even if you are a threat. I will refuse to see this doc ever again. She dosen't know what she's talking about.
  5. I started school last May, I ended upm in the hospital in June. I had been seeking treatment and taking my meds untill January. Last appiontment was in December and I was giving my precription and a refill. Every thing was fine. About a week after my appiontment I became manic. I'm scared of going to the hospital because I don't like missing schol. I advoided going to the doctor because of that. I was scared that my doc was going to have my kids taking away or have me put in jail. I thought the police were watching me and everything. It's jsut that there times that I feel that like I need immediate help, but won't seek it because I don't want to go to the hospital. That's why I'm thinking about quiting school for good. I don't evevn know if I wold be able to hold down a job. Your right wanting independence and time away from the kids and hubby is just wrong. I might give working a try after the kids are all grown up. Plus no one would want to hire me, Hell I wouldn't. I CAN'T EVEN BE A NORMAL BIPOLAR PERSON.
  6. I too have young children (2, 4 twins, 5 and 7) All but the 2year old is at school. Boy do I love nap time. He takes 3hour naps. Love it, but I'm also a loner in general. I love being alone with my thoughts while listening to music or watching tv.
  7. I called when my husband went for his walk this morning, but they couldn't get me in any sooner today. They told me if it started again then to go to the hospital. My husband decided to stick with me as long as I keep my appiontments and take my meds. Which I should have been doing all along. I'm thnking about puitting school on the back burner for now. I don't know how I'll react to that. school is the thing that keeps my from seeking help during times of distress, but it I feel calm there. I don't have to worry aboput being a wife or mother and I'm doind it for myself. At home I feel like I'm living my life for them. I was way worst before starting school. I was very stresed all the time and I was undiagnosed. I just know that I don't want this to happen again. Thanks for for listening and commenting.
  8. Yesterday was a very interesting day (details in blog). I had "happy" mania for the first time. It's a wonderful feeling. I felt high, invensible and on top of the world. I flt as though I could say or do any thing regardless of the concequence. That mornign i got into an argument with hubby (trigger) and harmed myself. A little after 1:00 I started thinking about murder and felt great. I even on my Ellen on and danced to the store. This morning came the concequence. My huby said I scared him and the kids and he didn't know what to do. He said that he didn't want the children to be around me when I'm glorifying acts violence. Good thing he didn't know that I was talking about who to break into places and steal things because of the rush while I was dancing down the street. He told me that he didn't know what to do becaushe loves me, but want the kids around that type of behavior. I'm doing god this morning, it's the first time in months that I have felt normal/ balanced. He said that he needed to talk a walk and think about things. I think I'm about to lose my family.What God gave me, I took away. For any one reading this thinking that you don't want or need medication, I telling you that you do because this illness will destroy your life if untreated.
  9. I've been thinking about therapy alot latley. Mainly because I want to start before I graduate next year. I want to try and make sure I hold down a job. We're low income and don't have insurance. Between seeing my doc paying for bipolar and glaucoma medication every month. Most of the time I can't get the glaucoma medication because it's over $100 a month. I just pray I don't go blind anytime soon. I office I go to is ran by the University of Louisville, so they go by your income. I pay $20 for my appiontments. that's the lowest amount they'll charge. I don't have $80 a month for weekly therapy. I have told the doctor about how I feel about myself, but I don't think she quite gets it. I've lived this long with self hatered I guess I'll just have to deal with it untill i start working and get insurance, that is if I can't keep the job long enought to get insurance. Life is like a roller coster ride that dosen't stop.
  10. I have those symptoms when manic, but like the other said I think its the med increase too. If it's too bothersome then call your doc.
  11. I said something this morning that mad my husband feel bad and I starting feeling guilty, like I do when ever talking about something serious. I started feeling stupid and worthless, and he was pushing me to say more. The more I say the worst I feel, and he refuses to believe that because he says talking makes him feel better. I deserve to feel ythis way because I'm a stupid ass bitch that opened her month when she should have stayed quiet. I nkow better then to tell normal people when they say or do things to hurt me in hopes it will stop. Either they feel bad wich makes me feel insdanes amont of guilt or they just do it more to prove it not as bad as I'm making it. Either way it leads to me punishing myself. This morning I was hittinf my head on the wall while choking myself with the lanyerd I put my keys on. No I have a headach and a sore throat. It makes me feel better temperaly, but I hate the fact that i do this to myself, but I feel like I can't control it when the urge to to hurt myself hits. My docotr told me to go to the hospitgal when I get like this because I'm a danger to myself. I go around every day feeling llike a worthless stupid bitch. Most of the time I just talk bad about myself, but then some times things just push me over the edge like aruging with my husband. How do I stop this? I feel like it's impposible because I have so much self hatred because I'm not normal and people treat me like I'm strange, or at leasr it seems that way. The onlyt time I feel ok about myself is at school.
  12. I deffinatly am spacey all the time and it getting worst with age. It start when was 19 and that was 10 years ago. I don't think it has anything to do with bipolar thought. I do it all the time, no matter my mood. It got worst after having kids. Could it be age related?
  13. Spring and summer are the worst for me. My HUsband works at a university and gets laid off for the summer in April. He really know how to push my buttons. I get really manicy during this time . I sometimg go through a short epicode of deprssion.
  14. I removed the info. Just let me know if you want me to remove my name. Thanks for all the warm welcomes.
  15. I'm extremely shy, have been all my life. When I was a kid teaches thought I was being abused at home because I was so quiet. I try to advoid talking to people in real life as much as possible. I don't have any friends. Yes I'm shy when manic, thank God. If I weren't I would be getting into a lot of fights and would live in the hospital. Part of what took me so long to get diagnosed was my shyness. On my mothers side almost every one is Bipolar. No one recgonized it in me. I didn't think that I could be either because I didn't act like other people with the illness. I wish the whole stigma of being extremely out going when manic would go away. There are proably a whole lot of people suffering in silence because they don't act the way they are told people with Bipolar act.
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