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xxyercutexx

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About xxyercutexx

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    I'll find strength in pain.

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  1. Sorry I meant to say "funeral" not "wedding" when refering to my cousins facebook status.
  2. I desperately need some opinions on my current situation, it is driving me mad. My younger sister who was wheelchair bound passed away in September at the age of 16. My mother and step father we'll call him Joe (he adopted my sister and was her legal father for 10+ years) were both completely shocked and devastated, she passed away peacefully in her sleep and Joe had discovered her the following morning. They were both grief stricken, they had lost their special needs daughter at such a young age, it was tradgic. I was suffering too but they took it the hardest being they had just lost their child. At my sisters funeral my grandmother (who had barely saw my sister, only off and on every few years due to her not talking to my mother) sat in the front row like the narcissist that she is and my aunt (we will call her Leslie) and my other aunt (we will call her Anna) along with my cousin (we will call him Riley) all sat right up front as well. All of them had barely even seen my sister over the years yet they acted like they were very close to her and were deeply effected by her loss, they made quite the spectacle of crying and mourning. Nobody said anything about their behavior, we were too upset about my sister to care about them. I sat next to my Aunt Anna and my sisters caretaker came up to me crying and offering her condolences. My Aunt Anna began talking to her and made a comment saying that my sister would have never survived without my stepfather Joe, because my mother had a "rough start". I was shocked that my aunt would say something so cruel at a FUNERAL, meanwhile my mother is standing three feet away looking down of her dead daughter sobbing and my aunt is sitting there talking to a random stranger about my mom. I was upset, and instead of freaking out, I got up calmly and walked away to let my anger die down before saying something. I calm down and I pull my aunt aside gently and asked her very politely not to mention my moms past (she had abused pills when me and my sister were younger, that is what my aunt was refering to.) to random people, this was not the time or place. She said "whatever." and was obviously mad that I called her out on it. I walked away and was telling my boyfriend how I had confronted her calmly about it and my stepdad came up next to me and overheard. Having no choice and put on the spot I told him the truth of what my aunt had said about my mom and Joe was furious. He left to have a cigarette and calm down outside but decided he had to say something to my aunt. (I was outside and had no idea he had said anything to my aunt until after the funeral when he told me.) So he goes inside and whispers to her that I had told him what she said and she played dumb and denied it but even Joe said he could tell she was guilty and lying. So she knows she is wrong and instead of taking responsibility for her innapropriate comment like a mature adult she leaves the funeral early. As I am coming back inside I walk right past her, (having no idea what just happened) and she is escorted by my grandmother and other aunt Leslie who are comforting her and feeling so bad for her and my grandmother glares daggers at me and I can't help but shout at her "What? It's her fault for saying that, she knows what she said was wrong!" and my grandmother asked if I even heard the whole story and I was like "I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HER, YOU WERE NOT EVEN THERE!" and the rest of the funeral MY aunt Leslie and grandmother whispered to eachother and glared at me and my boyfriend and then as soon as the funeral ended they were the first to leave and didn't even say goodbye to my mom or Joe. So 3 weeks pass by and not once did either of them call me or text me asking how I was coping with my sisters death. I was hurt and confused, how could they take my aunt Anna's side without even hearing my side of the story? This was between me, Joe and Aunt Anna, they had nothing to do with it yet they were not speaking to me. That week I find out I am 5 weeks pregnant. I wasn't sure what to do, and my mom asked me if I was going to call and tell them the news and I stubbornly said no, I would tell them when they decided to talk to me. My mom told my grandmother and aunt Leslie the news of my pregnancy and my mom told my grandmother that she should call me and talk to me. My grandmother was stubborn and said that I needed to call her, she would not speak to me until I apologized. (REMEMBER I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO MY GRANDMOTHER!) I am not 10 weeks pregnant, a month and a half has passed, neither my aunt Leslie or grandmother (both of whom I was very close to, Leslie was my godmother and like a sister to me, and my grandmother and I had been so close) neither of them have yet to call me. This is my first pregnancy, I am 20 years old and they do not care at all. They didn't care how I was doing after my sister died, and they do not care that I am having a baby. I am so deeply hurt and angered by their actions. I feel so betrayed, how could they treat me like this? Also to add to the story, the night of the funeral I log onto facebook when I get home only to see my cousin (Aunt Anna's son Riley) posted a status saying "You are a self righteous bitch, causing drama at your own sisters wedding." refering to me, I messaged him privately telling him off. How dare he call me a bitch after my little sister just died his mother insulted my mom? I am convinced all four of them are mentally ill, and multiple people have told me I was right in calmly asking her not to talk about my mom at the funeral and that they were all crazy but I wanted to get a more objective opinion. This bothers me all day and night to the point I have nightmares about confronting them and fighting with them. I am so angry inside and hurt. I never thought they would treat me this way. I am anxious everyday, wondering if they will try to contact me and what I would do if they did. My grandmother never apologizes for anything for she is always the victim in her mind, if they would apologize sincerly I would forgive them, that is the type of person I am but I know they will not apologize. If and when they do decide to call me one day, they would just try to get an apology out of me and try to get me to admit I was wrong and fight with me and I honestly do not want the drama especially since I am pregnant I do not need this stress. So I just need to know, am I wrong here? Is anyone elses family this messed up?
  3. MAD WORLD

    1. The one lurking behind you

      The one lurking behind you

      I was obsessed with this song when it first came out( I was 9) and I still love it today, it is so beautiful!

  4. Currently listening to my oldschool jams: TLC - "creep" <3

  5. "Come take a walk on the wild side, let me kiss you hot in the pouring rain. You like your girls insane."

  6. I went through almost same thing. It started with G.A.D I experienced the racing thoughts, depresonalization- I felt like I was out of my body, looking down upon myself and like the world was a dream and nothing was real. I was paranoid that people were talking about me or plotting to hurt me / kill me. I became very anisocial and lost all my friends because I couldn't connect with them anymore (like you had mentioned) I also hate the "zombie, dull" feeling that my meds make me feel, but unlike you I usually just quit taking them which is bad. I should go to my pdoc and get a different medication but I never do. This is something I need to work on and I am in the process of fixing. I hope things get better for you and I.
  7. I do not have firends, only aquiantances. On a professional level, at work I can pretend I am outgoing and talk to them fine but I refuse to get close to people. I just do not like people. I feel that most people in society are "normal" therefore can not relate to me, so why bother being friends with them? Besides friends a needy and use you for their own benefit. I hate most "normal" people because: -They seem shallow to me. I prefer talking to people who have walked in my shoes and have deep souls. -The "point system" as mentioned above. -They only talk about shallow topics, like the weather, shopping, opposite sex, schoolwork, etc. -I feel like they are secretly judging me or secretly do not like me but are just pretending to like me to be nice. -I know they will just talk about me behind my back as soon as I leave the room. -A lot of outgoing people are abnoxious attention seekers. The only people I get along with in real life is GUYS. They seem to be much more chill and I can have deeper conversations with them about things, they just seem more open about their problems or more willing to listen to mine. idk, but I just am not nervous around guys. I hate talking to girls, except online, girls and guys on this site are awesome because we all have things in common!
  8. Wow, I thought I was only one who thought this, thank you for sharing. Ditto, you think this too! How do you manage around therapists, i get really anxious and put my barriers up. (sorry if this is a little off topic) I'm not entirely sure how I manage. I put my barriers up as well, which leads to me saying "It's hard to explain..." all the time. I get very withdrawn and also obsess about what I'm saying, for example, is what I'm saying consistent with what I said before, they'll think I"m lying, I'm obviously a fake.... And then it's a tail spin from there. So basically, not much gets done in therapy in just one session. :-p Feel free to PM me, since I know this is way off topic. I EXPERIENCE THIS TOO!!!! therefore I do not go to therapy.
  9. So we cannot delete our accounts on here? That scares me... You guys should change that, some people post personal things when they are crazy. If anything an account on a website called CrazyBoard should be able to be deleted if the person wishes. Not cool. Fix that please?
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