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About Jon

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    Swim-Bike-Run, Skate Skiing, Trailer Park Boys, Corny Horror Flicks, and much more....

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  1. Jon


  2. I need to move to SoCal or Florida. This weather is killin me

  3. Feeling very down and anxious tonight. Maybe I just need some cookies and milk

  4. Time to share, I had a concurrent manic episode and co-occuring PTSD symptoms, I was manic on Thanksgiving 2010 when my wife left me. Took my children and left in the middle of thanksgiving dinner. I cycled into a horrible depression, mixed with my paranoia, and anger. It was literally the most insane feeling I've ever had-nearly an out of body experience. I can imagine that's what hell feels like. Needless to say the night eneded up with the SWAT team at my house. My recolection is spotty, but I rember seeing red. My vision actually changed, it was like a thermal camera, and then I remember waking up in jail. It was a manic PTSD rage. Storys like this one, and other MI adventures tend to make people feel uncomfortable. I get it. I'm a pretty gentle person by nature.
  5. I've tried talking to my own mother about my diagnosis. Each time I bring it up there's this uncomfortable silence, and then she changes the subject. My father passed away before I was diagnosed. Even then he never judged me, he had always said he loved me no matter what. That's rare to have in this life. I think he knew something wasn't right with me, he just didn't know what. You are right, I'm coming to terms with the same realization. Good advice, keeping things vague might be best.
  6. Thanks for the warm welcome everyone, I'm glad to meet you all : ) I read all the rulz...I promise to be safe! No one would come all the way to alaska to see me anyways, lol.
  7. I knew you would all understand! ; ) The reality for me, and I think a lot of us is that we walk a lonely road when it comes communicating MI with friends and loved ones. I fantasize about having a good friend with similar experiences that gets it. Someone that can actually say "I know what that's like" or "yeah the effin sucks" and actually know what they're talking about. Just as a disclaimer, I understand that not everyone necessarily agrees with my out look, but it certainly applies to me. Thank you for all the replys, they really did help me process this from a diff perspective. My Pdoc keeps throwing meds my way. Today he added Paxil for social anxiety. I have this fantasy that one day the chemical reaction of meds will restore me to my former intelligence and functional capacity. What I wouldn't give to smile and truely be happy.
  8. I tried to sumarize my Bipolar experience with someone close to me yesterday. I wanted so much for them to be able to empathize, trade body mind and soul for a few weeks. Feel the depths of my depression. Experience the mania, and my struggle to function and survive daily. I really would not intentionally wish pain and feelings of shame upon anyone. Epic Fail, lol. Empathy is for those who have passed through a similar experience. I cannot expect someone w/o MI to understand. Hey, I tried....
  9. So glad to hear! Keep up the good work : )
  10. Happy Mutha's Day to all you Muthas

  11. Thank you everyone for the warm welcome, I really do mean that I feel like I have found a great resource, I do not feel nearly as isolated as I have this past year. I don't know anyone in my local area that can relate to what I'm going through. I kinda wish I did have a local BP sponsor! Nice to meet you all!!!! I'm known as an excellent listener, I hesitate to give advice but I will definately offer all my support when I can. See ya round the board?
  12. Anyone? All I know is what I read from WebMD ;P. I cannot seem to shake the depression. I take my meds, stay on a good sleep and exercise schedule. Has anyone experienced ECT? What were the circumstances. BTW I have been taking my meds regularly and have noticed how boring normalcy(depressed) feels between my last episode. I feel like I'm in class watching the clock on the last day of school. I'm doing everything possible that I know to help keep dopamine levels up. It's a two edged sword. I'm Billy Bob Thornton in Badder Santa or roids when manic, and a small part of me misses that. I do have hobies but I feel like something is still mising. Manic Is better than depressed, at least it seems like the grass is greener on the other side at the moment. I miss the happy, and I can't seem to get there. Help?
  13. 36 y/o M living in the beautiful northwest. I was Diagnosed with Bipolar I, PTSD. I'm currently serving in the Military but will soon be medically retired after 17 years. Bummer huh? I was bummed at first, but now I've embraced the fact that I have to reduce my stress levels and "manage" my infimities. I have no doubt that like many here, I have royaly eff'd my life up over the course of the past 5 years. It took that long to diagnose! I cannot tell you the pain and guilt I felt, thinking i I was just a bad person, not knowing I was sick. As you can imagine I left a burning trail of my life 5 miles wide and 20 miles long suffering many manic and depressive episodes. The one thing that scares the hell out of me is that I know that my good paying civilian job will be laying me off this summer. The only reason I succeed in my current career field is because it's related to my job in the military. Kinda like riding a bike with one leg-you can do it but it's not fun. I'm terrified to enter the job market. That will mean change, meeting new people, smiling when I don't really feel like it and actually performing on the job. I am a college educated, but I feel like my capacity to learn and experience new things has diminished greatly. I feel truely disabled. Anyone else have these experiences? On a lighter note I am a really laid back person. Quiet and introspective. I always have been. I put my real picture and name on my profile. I'm not ashamed that I have mental illness, not that you are if you didn't. There are people that have it far worse than I do. Jon
  14. I have had periodic audible hallucinations that accompanied a manic episode and it wasn't really disturbing looking back. Not a lot surprises me with my past behaviors/and symptoms. The most debilitating thing to me is managing my shame for "past behaviors". All other other symtoms applied. Just out of curiosity does anyone else feel like the sane partner in their relationship after they were able to "manage" symptoms? I'm at the point that I look at her, probably as she look(s)ed at me and wonders who that person is. I'm putting forth my best, but we're in roomate mode-non talking type and it's close to mother's day. Any advise or experience to share?
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