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Inmate Emeritus
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    mostly my head
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    44 year old biracial female body, currently being shared by several dozen inhabitants who reside in eastern canada. or, what the docs would call DDNOS and layfolk would call being multiple.

    other relevant dx info:
    BPI/II (depends on whom you ask), DDNOS, Anxiety, ED issues (recovered Anorexic), PTSD (now subclinical), hallucinations

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  1. this is my train of thought countless times a day. i don't deserve to feel good because i am not living up to my own standards of "good person" in so many ways i don't even know where to begin. i'm a rotten person and rotten people shouldn't be happy. something in me knows that this is wrong. of course i've been told it's completely untrue by every therapist/doctor i've shared that thought with. when my last therapist was unable to get me out of that self-defeating logic, she said something like "okay if you MUST believe that is true, also believe this: feeling better is what is required for you to make those changes". which makes sense, but... honestly it just uncovered that even after being offered a solution to "how to stop being a terrible person" by working on feeling good first, the core issue was that i don't deserve to feel good anyway. even if i made all those changes and became the kind of person i wish i was, i would still believe i don't deserve anything resembling happiness or peace. if somehow i gave Mother Theresa a run for her money in the "good person" department, i'd still find a reason why i'm not good enough to be allowed to feel happy. i know feeling undeserving is rooted in really old issues for me. but it's also depression that is making this kind of thinking impossible to stop - so it's a catch 22. when i am less depressed, i can say sure i'm terrible but to hell with it, i'm going to enjoy *whatever* anyway, who cares (and then if i keep doing that, it gets easier to choose to let myself feel something good). when i'm more depressed, the fact that i am undeserving makes for strict rules about not being "selfish". and the longer i follow the rules the worse i feel. wow i rambled - sorry. i guess my point is that doing everything possible to fight depression (meds, therapy, etc) makes it easier to ignore those thoughts. i can't say i've ever been rid of them, but i can say i have times when i can choose not to focus on whether i deserve to enjoy the taste of ice cream. or deserve to go somewhere fun. or deserve to believe the kind things people say to me. and that feels so much better than needing to "earn" the right to live life the way everyone else seems to be able to by being "perfect". for me, it takes constant effort to remind myself to STOP evaluating and comparing my behaviour. i've been told many times that the more i make this effort, the less i'll have to someday. i'm choosing to believe that's true.
  2. that exact "topic" is my biggest trigger for immediate, irrational, intense crying. i never did this until a few years ago. i have mega issues in that area, but my family and i are very close now. it makes no sense to me that this started when it did. it gets better or worse depending on how depressed i am in general. and yes, music is the WORST for this - i can't control it if i hear a song like that. i also have to be very careful what i watch on television, it's almost as bad. it's weird because it's a different kind of crying than i might do over something else. it's like someone just died. i can't explain it. my therapist couldn't either. just said maybe it's leftover grief from when things with my parents, or my daughter, were bad. but why then did it start when i was 43, and not before? sorry you go through this too. i wish i had a solution for you. being on wellbutrin seems to curb a lot of it for me, but it still happens and it's embarrassing.
  3. i'm sorry that you're dealing with so much while feeling so terrible. i just wanted to add that thyroid meds take forever to feel the difference. a few months at least. but when they do reach the appropriate level, things will be so much easier. it doesn't fix everything of course (i wish!), but the depression will not have this same depth you're experiencing now. i've been there several times and it is so very difficult. you'll be able to think more clearly again. when i am depressed and my thyroid isn't functioning as well as it should, it's almost impossible for me to believe anything besides what the depression tells me. when i'm depressed and my thyroid is okay, it's still hell, but i can at least entertain the idea that life will not be hell forever and i haven't completely ruined everything. i hope that better day comes soon for you.
  4. do you feel as if the relationship itself changes once someone finds you sexually attractive, or sex becomes part of the relationship? what specifically might be different about the way someone might behave (or you might perceive them as behaving)? does that person treat you differently in some way? i struggle with this a little too (though i do have trauma in my past). i can easily see why it could happen without trauma, though. i've had relationships where as soon as sex was a possibility, it seemed like the physical intimacy immediately began to replace the emotional intimacy i felt with that person. as if they didn't need to share intimate thoughts and feelings like close friends would do anymore, because the physical closeness was supposed to express that somehow (and it just doesn't, it isn't the same AT ALL). maybe this is different from what you're feeling. but going through that makes me resentful when a friend expresses sexual interest as well, whether that's fair or not. i feel like it's going to take precedence over any kind of friendship we might already have. and then there's the slightly paranoid part of me that wonders "are you just being nice to me to get in my pants?". which is also an unfair assumption but unfortunately sometimes it's turned out to be true. this is definitely a great issue for therapy, if you have a tdoc.
  5. San's right, there are so many potential reasons. for me it means a difference in how well my thyroid is functioning (if it's overactive, my heart rate increases), and it's just a simple matter of decreasing my thyroid meds. let your doc figure it out and try not to worry too much (i know that can be hard when you don't know why your body is doing something!).
  6. as jt said, the SR version isn't a full day's coverage. if you find yourself "crashing" in the afternoons, you might want to ask your pdoc about the extended release version instead. i've been on and off wellbutrin several times and this has always been the case for me (i'm on 300mg of the extended release currently). the last increase for me was only two weeks ago, and i could feel the difference in about a week (which seems miraculous when you're used to waiting forever!). at first i did feel that sort of drowsiness after taking it, but after a few days that wore off. it definitely keeps me from sleeping during the day.
  7. thank you. my daughter got me out of the house and doing other things and by the time i got home they were finished, yay. i got lucky. she doesn't know it, but she's probably the only person who would have got me away from there, i'm so glad she randomly got the day off. i'm not proud of how intolerant i am of things like this lately. i just get overwhelmed too easily.
  8. okay, yeah i know people don't suck for liking sports or playing sports. i live across the street from a very large field with two baseball diamonds on it. it's about two blocks distance between me and where the baseball happens. the music that started with the apparent tournament that's happening sounds like i live across from a disco at midnight - at eight in the goddamned morning. yes i was already up. i don't care. i do not know how to handle listening to this LOUD LOUD LOUD CRAPPY SHIT and LOUD LOUD LOUD cheering and yelling i tried shutting all my windows and turning on the television which i don't want because it's TOO EARLY and i can STILL hear them out there as well as the construction that's been going on next door for weeks it is my problem that i don't deal well with noises intruding my space but i can't get away from it, i am not well enough to just go sit somewhere quiet but public, there's nowhere safe and calm to go at all, and i feel like i am going to start screaming back (not like they could hear me) why is it okay for them to share their activity with the WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD whether we want it or not? oh yeah because this is a military neighbourhood and they make the rules i did not want to spend the morning drugged to deal with shit like this fuck you, people who don't think about others and just do what you want because some of us are just too sensitive and should be able to deal fuck you anyway thank you for the space to vent the petty things that are going to send me to jail i swear to god
  9. i wish so badly i could stop doing this. i have tried through therapy with limited success but it's so automatic i don't even get a chance to think about what i'm doing until i've already done it. then when i realize i'm faking, i feel like i can't just stop or my REAL feelings will look like i'm faking it. i don't think this behaviour belongs exclusively to personality disorders. i think it has a lot to do with the level of fear of rejection some of us experience - or that something very bad will happen if whomever we're speaking with is aware that we are not okay. those of us who grew up in emotionally invalidating environments are vulnerable to hiding their feelings, as well as those of us who have been bullied for being somehow socially unacceptable. also, we get rewarded for faking. people smile at us, engage with us, treat us like we're worthy of listening to or spending time with. when we act depressed, or anxious, or whatever, that reward most often disappears.
  10. i was given clonidine (a blood pressure med) to help come off clonazepam before ECT. it worked well enough that we decided i'd stay on it, and can now take less clonazepam as a result. if there isn't a reason why you need to do it quickly, time has been the best method i've experienced when coming off benzos. reduce as slowly as you need to, even just by .25mg every week. it takes forever but feels better than trying to get it over with quickly (which i am prone to wanting to do, i have no patience). is there a reason you need to stop? i've taken clonazepam for so many years i can't remember how many. the dose varies as i need it, and no one has ever treated me like i'm "addicted" (i'm lucky enough to have a pdoc who lets me decide how much i want to take at any given time). sometimes i skip days and don't realize it. i figure i'll probably use clonazepam for the rest of my life, and i'm okay with that.
  11. i'm taking strattera and will be restarting wellbutrin next week. i am taking both for mood, however. i just wanted to add my two cents in case anyone else is wondering about taking both together to address bipolar/depression issues. pdoc says "to oversimplify, the strattera will give you the energy to do things, and the wellbutrin will allow you to feel some pleasure at having done so". i hope the combo works out for him. being treated like a drug seeker is terrible.
  12. i'm sure it's probably different depending where you live, and what kind of resources are available, etc. here (in eastern Canada) i've never had to wait in line or anything. the waiting time required has always been in order to come off meds that cannot be taken while having ECT. the medication changes are another facet of ECT that is important to consider - you may need time to wean off meds you are accustomed to and maybe start new ones that are "safe". this is my second time going through the process (i just finished ten bilateral treatments and am now on monthly maintenance) so i'll just share what i know and hope some of it's helpful. first, will you have to be inpatient or outpatient while having treatments? if you can stand it (and if it is affordable) being inpatient is easier. to be outpatient, you need to have someone who can take you back and forth to have the procedure done, as well as perhaps look after you for a little while afterwards (everyone reacts differently to anesthesia, etc., and everyone's recovery time is different). how many treatments per week will be scheduled (your pdoc will decide)? depending on whether you're having unilateral or bilateral treatments done, you might be getting treatment three times per week, or as little as once every few weeks. so you personally may need to take quite a bit of time off, as may your "caretaker" during this time. before you start, you will agree on how many treatments your pdoc believes may be necessary (with my pdoc we can stop and review this number at any time); so as well, the number of weeks you will need to complete the treatments will be variable. these are the practical details that have to be worked out beforehand. at first there's no way i could have been functional on the same day after treatment. now that i'm used to it, after a long nap it's like any other day. even less unpleasant than the dentist (to me anyway!). except for the growing chunk of memory that i leave behind each time. that's different for everyone, too. i do know people who go back to work that same day. i don't work so it's not an issue for me (the running back and forth is just an issue for my husband, who is lucky enough to have a boss that does not mind him leaving anytime i need his help). it's a lot more trouble than just taking pills every day, but it can be worth it. and it's not forever (unless it is successful and you choose to have monthly maintenance treatments for an extended period of time - but if it's successful it's worth it for SURE). i hasn't "cured" me. not even close. but i'm not sorry i tried - i might be worse off than this without it. and when you're treatment resistant and coming to the end of a long long line of failed medication, it doesn't seem like such a huge risk. plus, meds that don't work before ECT can work afterwards in some cases, so that may happen yet. best of luck with whatever you decide.
  13. i have been having days like this for about a month (i think), though the times of day can vary. i'm going through a slow course of ECT, and this started after treatment #7. pdoc says this is very possibly transition to a more normal mood (from a state of depression that just wouldn't budge). she has seen patients go through this as their mood begins to improve. i hope this is the case for both of us. but it is something to watch carefully - i don't know about you, but i feel as though i could take off in either direction very quickly, and then i'm left wondering how long it will last, so i'm unsure of how to plan my days (which drives my anxiety through the roof, planning is way too important here). it's very confusing to have features of major depression on the same day as having features of hypomania.
  14. snarkygirl, i'm on the same dose as you are. i'm not sedated or stoned, i'm still taking clonazepam three times a day on top of that (and i'm still anxious fwiw, but that's just me). i do feel much more easily fatigued than before starting clonidine, but i don't have that stoned feeling. honestly, the side effect of never remembering a single dream ever is worth getting tired a little more easily to me (no more nightmares or repetitive anxiety dreams), so i probably like it for that more than it's calming effects during the day. i hope it works out well for you. are you able to check your blood pressure regularly to make sure it isn't low (since that's clonidine's primary purpose)? mine is lower than it would be, but still within the range of normal.
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