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NykkiLeigh

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About NykkiLeigh

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    female
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    Misssouri, USA

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  1. Luckily he only stayed that one night and he more than likely won't be coming back for a long, long while bc my roommate and him got into a fight about him "trying to sleep with me." So no worries there.
  2. My messed up logic: I can't get over the friend I live with that I have been in love with for years after we've broken up and now he's interested in another girl and I am hurting like hell from this, Therefore I should: have meaningless sex with this guy who wants to sleep with me to feel the affection my friend won't give me and to help get over and move on from said friend. It makes NO sense but it does at the same time? Can anyone relate?
  3. My messed up logic: I can't get over the friend I live with that I have been in love with for years after we've broken up and now he's interested in another girl and I am hurting like hell from this, Therefore I should: have meaningless sex with this guy who wants to sleep with me to feel the affection my friend won't give me and to help get over and move on from said friend. It makes NO sense but it does at the same time? Can anyone relate?
  4. I posted this in a Facebook group I'm in, but I wanted input from another source bc I'm not sure of anything anymore qhen it comes to this stuff... Does trauma (such as rape) cause your brain to respond and react slowly or am I just a dumbass??? My brain like froze when I was raped in 2013 and I didn't even fully understand it until it told my then boyfriend about it. When I was sexually assaulted last May (the 4th or 5th I believe...I just realized this...) I knew it was bad bc he left bruises and shit and didn't let me get away before I finally just let him do what he was doing. I didn't think of it as sexual assault until, again, I talked through it with my then bf. But the same guy from May was staying at my apartment (he's my roommates brother, I was mostly okay with it, didn't want drama.) and after my roommate went to bed, he said something about me fucking him. He had been going through a tough time that night, so I told him no, trying to let him down easy so 1. It wouldn't hurt him anymore and 2. I didn't want my roommate hearing bc he'd get pissed (roommate is also an ex). He put my hand on his penis and I hadnt even realized he had taken it out. I grabbed him when he wanted me to and stroked him before my brain went "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" and I pulled away. He grabbed my breast, too hard, just like he kept doing when he bruised me. I said "ow!" I guess too loud bc he shushed me. He said, "come to the bathroom with me." I said no. He got up and grabbed me by the hair and said "come on," and bit my neck. He was trying to turn me on. I didn't want to wake my roommate and cause a big fight so I went into the bathroom to explain more in depth WHY I didn't want to. I didn't get the chance bc he pushed me down to my knees by my shoulders and put his penis in my mouth. I was shocked by this and pulled back to stand up, but he grabbed me by the hair and forced me back on it. When he finally let go, I turned to walk out of the bathroom and he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled my pants and underwear down. My brain was obviously slow to her respond bc he grabbed me and thrusted into me (I wasn't aroused, so it hurt as well) and it took me a minute to actually I guess comprehend what the fuck happened and how it got that far. When he let go of my shoulders, I practically ran out of the bathroom, he said "thank you" and I automatically responded "youre welcome" then realized what I said was rediculous. He said something about us not able to have sex in the living room and I said "we could in my room." I was numbed out but SERIOUSLY? Am I so used to jut giving myself away to assholes it just comes naturally? He got on the phone with his ex and I ran to my room and shut the door, hoping he'd take the hint. A little bit later he opened my door (didn't knock) and laid in my bed. I said "no, i'm tired" still trying to be gentle. He grabbed my breast again and I grabbed his hand and said "we cant. I'm sorry." He left. The next morning he woke me up by coming in my room again. He laid next to me and I said no bc I just woke up and my roommate was due to wake at any time. I was trying to think of any logical excuse he would accept. He again grabbed my breast and I said "no." He asked if it was bc of him and I said "no its nothing against you." Bc I didn't want to hurt his feelings :/ I am proud of myself for saying no and enforcing it... I explained KIND OF what happened to my roommate bc he noticed I was depressed. I didn't go into too much detail bc I knew he'd be pissed, which he nost definitely was. He asked if his brother raped me and i said no bc my brain reacted too slow so let it happen. He was mainly pissed i lied to him and he got into a fight with his brother bc of this, but he seems to be over it now. Why does my brain react so slowly? Why am I so much in the routine of giving my body away? Why am I so worried about being too stern with people? I fucking hate myself for this. The people in the group think it was rape...but it's like the facts say one thing, my brain says another so I'm just confused
  5. "I wish I was too dead to cry..."

  6. He tries to be supportive by asking me about it and holding me so I feel better, but I can see the fear in his eyes. And thank you for the advice.
  7. The urges to starve myself and count calories, as well as cut are getting stronger...I just feel so fat...I'm obsessing over the fact I don;t have a scale...I know I'm better off without it, but I can't get my ED out of my head...I miss my old depressing tumblr page, and the pro-ana pages I went on...wtf is wrong with me?
  8. I keep having recurring nightmares. They are so bad that when I wake up, I am so stressed out that I can't get up because I feel sick and nauseous. I used to take Trazadone for sleep, but that gave me even more VIVID nightmares, and I can't take Clonodine for sleep because it lowers my blood pressure too much. I want to stop these damn nightmares because I know its freaking my boyfriend out, too. But I don't know what to do... I even go on Dreammoods.com to try and make sense of them, but it doesn't help me feel any better. I see my therapist on the 28th, but I don't see my psychiatrist until the middle of August. I hate the idea of taking sleeping pills again, but the nightmares are too bad...What can I do?
  9. I'm back after like...2 years. lol

  10. True. The person below me has more than one mental disorder
  11. My psychiatrist keeps increasing my dosage and now I am up to 10 mg two times a day. It makes me EXTREMELY hungry ALL THE FUCKING TIME! And now because of it, I am gaining a lot of weight and GAH! I'm trying to diet my way through it, but this still sucks. Anyone else having this problem? Anybody overcome it?
  12. I personally think it is completely a legitimate reason to switch meds. If it's having that big of an effect on you, then I'd say switch it.
  13. I'm not sure, really. The psychiatrist keeps upping my meds because I keep spiraling downward...
  14. So here's the deal. I'm almost 17, I am slightly suicidal, and I have been cutting for 6 years now. But there is my best friend...old best friend I should say... That I fell in love with. The problem is that he has a girlfriend. And he lives in Florida, whereas I live in Missouri...This is our story...PLEASE help me. I can't get over him... and I need advice fast before I go completely fucking insane... Note: Emily is my "best" friend. We have a love/hate relationship. Cody and chris are Ex boyfriends. Steven is...complicated. He's an ex, a friend, a lover, and James's friend and Emily's ex. [explicit SI description removed] The first time I heard about James was through Emily. She had been talking to him a little bit before Steven started talking to me. She mentioned that they had become a little too chummy, and I decided to take action. You see, Emily had forgiven Steven for his offense, and wasn’t aware that he was still talking to me. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to Steven. I cared about him, after all. So in September of my sophomore year, I messaged this “James Hammett” person on Facebook, warning/asking him not to start “e-fucking” Emily and make the same mistake I did because Steven didn’t deserve that. I can’t remember all of what we messaged back and forth, but he told me he had a girlfriend and that Steven had told him all of what happened between him and I. Apparently, he and Steven were closer than I thought. After that, we exchanged interests and eventually I got his phone number. He found out I wrote erotic stories and he told me that he did too, and even let me read it. I found out he used to cut himself and that he was willing to help me through it. Those few things were our connection. Then something extremely stupid happened. James and I started sexting. It started with me “helping him out,” then turned into full blown (no pun intended) sexting. Steven was jealous, just as I thought he’d be, but he knew I would never let James touch me in real life, so I could “e-fuck” him all I wanted. (He coined that term at that particular moment.) At first there was no romantic connection whatsoever. We sexted, and that’s it. I knew he had a girlfriend, therefore I knew – I just knew I couldn’t get attached to him. I wouldn’t let myself. After all, I had already almost ruined one relationship; I couldn’t bear the guilt of ruining another one. I wish that for the life of me (more like that sanity of me) I could remember how everything evolved. That’s the problem with having traumatic experiences. Your brain completely fucks you out of the good memories too. I pretty much wasn’t kept a secret from anyone on his end. His mom knew about me and Crystal (his oh-so-special girlfriend) did too. They just didn’t know about the sexting, of course. We couldn’t have that. Somehow James and I agreed to start Skyping. It was pretty fun, actually. We made sexual jokes (like I do with all my friends) and we even made plans to video chat again. It was interesting to see what he looked like. I had only seen a picture of him and that was with his girlfriend. To be honest, he looked a lot cuter without her on his arm. Then again, that could just be me. James was there through it all. From losing my virginity to Zach, to when Zach stopped talking to me. He even got upset when I stupidly chose to sleep with Zach again. To me, that showed that he cared. I have written in my diary on December 5th of 2011: “Steven is way jealous of James because of what we started doing again and he’s been in a bad mood for a while. Somewhere around February of 2012 my dad and old therapist Theresa got it in their heads that I was in love with James – only because I trusted him A LOT. We had made plans for him to fly up here during that summer so he could spend a few weeks or so with my mom and I. I wrote about the fact that I felt bad that I would be the one taking his virginity. Later, he tore my heart in two by telling me that it was Crystal who got his virginity. Makes sense, right? It still hurt like hell. On March 19th, I admitted to my diary that I was in love with James. I went on to say hat I didn’t think he loved me either, nor did I want him to…or did I? Somewhere in the next 3 months, I admitted to James that I loved him. I forgot how it went, but I do know he didn’t say it back, and that didn’t bother me as much as you would think. Towards the end of March, Cody came back and I made possibly the biggest mistake ever. I said goodbye to Steven. I couldn’t handle having all these different boys in my life, and I guess Steven got the short end of the stick this time. April 29th Cody dumped me. But this isn’t about him. It’s about James. Around May 15th, James admitted that he loved me too. I remember being so fucking excited about it. On May 19th, James talked me out of killing myself. My mind decided to be stupid and have a thought of what it would be like if James and I got married. Of course, reality came back to slap some goddamn sense into me and by doing so, made me suicidal. You see, James had chased away the “evil” suicidal thoughts before, but this time he had to work a little harder and actually call my phone and talk me out of it, for I had a plan. Six days later, I heard the song “Lips of an Angel” and thought of how weird it was to be on the other side of that song. I was “the other woman” in his life. I tore myself up pretty good about that one. I wrote “Like he could wish his delicate, innocent girlfriend could be a cutting, slightly suicidal outcast, kind of whorish ‘friend’ like me.” That night, James and I stayed up until 11:30 (12:30 his time) talking about whether or not I should kill myself and all that shit. He told me that if I wanted to say goodbye I could, which hurt me a lot. I cut myself after that. So for a while it was, sexting this and masturbating over video chat that, and a few fights every now and then. But mostly sexting with a few “I love yous” thrown in there. He even called and talked to Dr. Leonard to see how he could help me more. Then came the downward spiral… We fought more, mostly about those damn “feelings” that we humans seem inclined to feel. Soon he stopped saying “I love you” after we talked. It hurt, but when I confronted him about it, he said it wasn’t just me. He hadn’t even talked to Crystal in forever. That would’ve been more believable if I didn’t know he was full of shit at the time. Then we started fighting about whether or not we had a future together. Then he came out and told me that he stopped saying he loved me because he wanted me to get used to us being friends because once he turned 18, he would have to stop sexting me. I got more and more upset about that. Mostly because I loved him. Why should I have to stop expressing my love for him because some goddamn government says I can’t? August 29th is his birthday, and he turned 18. We argued for over an hour and a half about it, but he won eventually, like he always did. September 3rd, we started sexting again, of course. The song “Deadlihood” by Sixx A.M. started to remind me more and more about my relationship with James. He wasn’t too happy when I told him about that. Around November, James said he was done with me. He blocked me on Facebook, and when I texted him about it, he said I did better without him. Bull. Fucking. Shit. Then, after a few months, I decided to threaten him that I was going to tell Crystal about us. He responded then. I was so happy, but then he just…stopped texting me. I gave up and I apologized. After I was raped (not going into that again) I messaged him, praying that he would respond. He never did. I still think about him night and day, and I have even thought of suicide because of the fact he gave up on me. And the fact that he’s not there to help me anymore just makes it worse. In fact, that’s why I’m writing this right now. So I don’t go insane and blow my fucking brains out. Hell, maybe I will anyways. Who knows? All I know is this one simple fact: I need him.
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