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Everything posted by Mimsy

  1. I had somewhat of an argument tonight with my husband. Within the last three years, I've come to realize that I'm non-binary, and have currently settled on using genderqueer as my identity. My husband knows this, but is not comfortable with it, in a way that he's not openly against it, but doesn't really understand and is hesitant to learn or talk to me about it. This issue came about as we're looking for a girlfriend and he doesn't think I should identify as genderqueer on a dating site, as he thinks it will hurt our chances. I was very upset by this, as it makes me feel like he thinks I should lie about my identity to get girls to be interested in us, and he thinks it's more important to get a girlfriend than for me to be honest, open and comfortable with myself. His logic was also that he wouldn't have been as interested in me if I had said I was genderqueer when we started dating (5 years ago). We discussed it and I basically said that he needs to get more comfortable by either talking to me about it or researching it himself. I don't really know what else to do in this situation, since I'm not open to very many people. Does anyone know of any good resources, or just advice for me?
  2. Hmm, I dunno! I usually get some satisfaction from the relief of having it be over and then tell my boyfriend about it and let him be proud of me.
  3. Everyone, thanks so much for your help! Because of that I had the courage to call her back. She got back to me today and everything went fine, she wasn't mad at me or anything. Thanks again!!!
  4. I can't find her email online and she doesn't have it on her business card, but that would be ideal. I left a message and now have to anxiously await her return call. Maybe I can ask for her email then, or if she'll want to see me. Why does it seem like psychiatrists always so much harder to deal with than therapists?!
  5. Thanks so much for your responses! Jt07, I'm almost positive it's not xr, and I was splitting them in half and then in fourths so I could get up to 300mg. The bad thing is I have to call her because I couldn't get an appointment until September. I have a terrible phone phobia, but I'll just have to force myself to do it. Thanks again, wish me luck!
  6. So... I did something kind of bad. When I saw my pdoc 6 months ago, she accidentally sent through a request for 400mg of Seroquel instead of 300, realized her mistake and resent it with the correct dosage. I said I would make sure the dosage was correct when I went to pick up my meds, but forgot, and it turned out it was the 400mg. I didn't realize until after the pharmacy was closed, so I just split the pill up intending on going back the next day. But then I didnt because I'm super avoidant and got scared that I would get in trouble. So then I didnt go in some more, and decided to stick with it because of fears of not being able to afford more frequent refills with my current insurance. Fast forward to today, and my pdoc calls and leaves a message saying she has a question about a refill request. I am terrified that I'll get into huge trouble with insurance fraud or something, so I have no idea what to tell her. I'm also terrible at lying. Help? Advice? Please??
  7. Thank you so much for the advice, everyone. I got my dad to come with me today (after hiding at a friend's house all day) and I told him that it wasn't going to work out, that it was too harmful for me, basically. He was very nice about it, said I had nothing to apologize for. My dad called a local shelter and they said they wouldn't have an opening until Monday, so we drove him to a hotel and put him up for the next two nights. Now I am airing out my apartment. He texted me again to wish me the best and again say that I shouldn't beat myself up over it, and said something that basically translates to "not finding much of a reason to live right now," but I will absolutely call 911 on him if he tells me he's going to do anything. Thanks for helping me through this, I feel so much better now.
  8. Thank you for your responses, it's nice not feeling like I'm a total asshole for wanting to move him out. I think I'm going to research shelters that he can go to so I at least feel like I can help him a little. Sometimes I need to remember that it's not my job to take care of everyone else. I did ask a friend if she would be here when I ask him to leave, and she said she'd help. I want to think that I can hold out longer and give him another chance, and make it clear that if I come home to him drunk again he'll have to leave. But honestly, this has caused me so much anxiety already and I can feel myself getting more depressed (especially considering I tried to go without eating today). Also, I got home and he still hasn't showered. This is going to take a lot of courage and resolve, so thank you for helping me get through it.
  9. Let me preface this by saying that I feel like a huge fucking moron for this. So if that's what you're thinking, don't worry, I already know. I have this online friend who got fired after moving away from home for this job, leaving him essentially homeless. So I suggested staying at my place until he could get a job and his own place as an option. I wasn't super sure about the whole thing in the first place, as we had never met in real life. In talking about this whole plan beforehand, I asked if he had any chemical abuse problems, because I knew that was something I probably couldn't deal with. I found out the second night he was here that he is an alcoholic. Not super happy that he lied to me, but we talked about it a bit, how I wasn't going to be buying him alcohol or keeping it around the house. He seemed receptive, so I felt a bit better. I'd been getting increasingly uncomfortable because he hadn't showered at all while he's been here, and he got here on Sunday. Doesn't help that I'm kind of fixated on personal hygiene. So I got home last night and he was drunk and started saying stuff like he had manipulated me into letting him stay here and how depressed he is. Now, I am all for trying to help people with mental health issues, so I kept trying to talk him through it, give him treatment options and advice and stuff since I've been through the hospital system here myself, and it's actually a pretty good system. But he doesn't want treatment and he doesn't think there is a cure for him (his words) and basically doesn't want to get better because he's tried it before and it doesn't work. So I'm pretty much like 'there's nothing I can do if you don't want to help yourself' and after asking him to please shower, I go to bed. Important to know that I have a small apartment that is starting to smell really bad. After thinking about it today, I know I am starting to feel really uncomfortable and I have a really bad gut feeling about him that I never get so I am starting to feel unsafe. And I'm not comfortable with him destroying himself in my apartment, which is also pretty triggering for me. And now I don't know what to do because I don't want him to be homeless and I want him to be safe. But at the same time this is turning into a really bad situation for me. Sorry about the huge text post. You guys are always super nice about listening to my problems, so I thank you.
  10. Thanks, everyone . I feel a bit better now. I also saw my tdoc today, It felt better to admit out loud that I'm feeling suicidal. I will probably work up the courage to try the warmline next time things get out of hand. Again, thank you for replying .
  11. Yeah, my therapist is also my weekly DBT group leader, and we didn't have group last week, so I've been kind of bottling it up until I see her Monday and Tuesday. She even gave me her cell number for stuff like this, but I have this thing where I assume that my problems aren't bad enough to bother other people with them. I've thought about calling the warmline/hotline too, but it's embarrassing. I feel like it's not important enough to talk about. But I know, it's something I have to learn to do. Thank you for replying, I guess I just needed someone to tell me that my problems are worth it.
  12. So this is kind of a pointless rant, I will not blame you if you don't want to read it. My life is kind of a wreck again. I got broken up with by the person I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Before this happened, I was in a state of mind where I couldn't imagine going back to being suicidal again. I really should have known better, but I had basically been non-functioning for years up until like a year and a half ago, and then it seemed like I had mostly gotten my life on track, I was happy and everything. Anyway, it feels like things have spiraled out of control again. I was handling okay for a while, but lately it's been harder. I've been thinking about suicide a lot, though I don't think I'll actually do it. Some days are okay, some days it feels like I go out of my mind, I'm a shaking, sobbing mess, my brain kicks into overdrive (racing, repetitive thoughts) and my crazy side takes over, I start 'daring' myself to do things like test out my old method of suicide (basically making sure that I would have a way to hang myself in my new apartment). I never plan anything, I never have, I'm just completely ruled by impulse, which is very dangerous when you're me. I was doing really well with DBT, doing okay with self-care and everything, but now I have sort of lost the will to do the things I know I need to do to 'reduce vulnerability'. Like making myself go to bed early (I get really depressed when I stay up), or eating anything. When I get into this frame of mind, I don't want to help myself anymore. It's really hard to remember to do the skills when you don't want to feel better. Anyway, things are getting dangerous, I think, and I need to talk to someone about it without doing something crazy as a 'cry for help.' I hate hate hate talking to people about this stuff because I hate having people worry about me, and keep a closer eye on me, which would make it harder for me to kill myself if I ended up needing to. So... yeah, I'm just ranting here, I guess, and trying to think of anyone in real life I could talk to, and totally overthinking it, and losing my nerve. Sorry if you had to read this, as it was probably a waste of your time. Also, if you are worried about me being suicidal RIGHT NOW, I wouldn't worry, it would take a lot more than this for me to actually do anything.
  13. So, my boyfriend recently said that he needs to spend some time apart, basically not "breaking up" but doing his own thing, trying to conquer his own depression and focus on his creative pursuits. But he doesn't want us to talk or see each other in the mean time, and all I have left is to hope that he'll eventually come back to me. It's driving me insane. I feel like all this stuff is bursting inside me, fighting to get out, but I have no idea how to talk to people about it. I have my therapist, which helps a lot, but in the meantime I'm super unhappy and I don't know how to open up to anyone. I have friends that I know would talk to me about it, but I'm stuck in my own head because I have pounded it into myself for so long that no one wants to hear it, and I'd just be burdening anyone else and making them uncomfortable by talking to them about it. I don't know what to do, or even how to start the conversation. I don't know if I could bring myself to ask anyone over to talk about it, either. Help would be appreciated.
  14. So I did end up getting it figured out, and I was probably a bit hasty in blaming Walgreens. My case worker had to call a financial worker in my county, who then had to call my old insurance to confirm the date that I stopped being covered under it. Walgreens was at least nice enough to give me 5 days of meds to last me until this whole mess got cleared up. So hooray, I get meds again! The plan was to walk in there and be like "f**k you guys, I'm switching to another pharmacy," but I didn't. At least I didn't do anything that I'll have to feel guilty about later. Thanks for your help, guys!
  15. Wow, 3 months to 150mg? I did about 1 month to 400mg. It seems to be working out okay for me. The good thing is, you have plenty of room to vary on the dosage if it does turn out that Lamictal can help you. As everyone else says, give it a bit more time. You've come a long way, you can handle this! Good luck!
  16. BadgerCare? Sound like Wisconsin to me! So, CrankyMe, I think you were right. I went back to Walgreens today and they said that since Blue Cross/Blue Shield was my primary insurance, they have to run it through that first. I asked if they could try to do that and get it rejected, but they said it wouldn't work. They said that usually it's just a quick change my case worker has to do on my file to say that I don't have that insurance anymore. However, I had called my case worker on Tuesday and she said that I would have to talk to my county's financial office. I called them, they said that they thought that Walgreens doesn't accept MA. Went back to Walgreens, they said that wasn't the case. All I can say is: F**K insurance. I have to go through all this bullshit because no one wants to put effort into a system that works for poor people. Now I wait for my case worker to call me back on Wednesday, because apparently the holiday applies to places of work other than mine.
  17. What my card says is "Minnesota Health Care Programs (MHCP)", but I've always heard it referred to as MA or Medical Assistance. It's basically free insurance for low-income people.
  18. So, until this year I had both Blue Cross/Blue Shield (under my dad) and medical assistance. Then my dad changed his insurance, so I just have medical assistance now. I called Walgreens today to get a prescription refilled, and they said that "it wouldn't run through" as just medical assistance, now that I don't have Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Then they told me to talk to my case manager about it (I called her, she hasn't called back yet). I've had problems with this Walgreens before and "not being able to run medical assistance through", which last time turned out to be their mistake. Both Planned Parenthood and my regular clinic have been able to take my MA alone since the first of the year, so I'm confused as to why this is not the case for Walgreens. Anyone had any similar experiences?
  19. I went off of Effexor completely almost a week ago, after titrating down and being fine on 25 mg for a little over a week. The first day I cried almost the whole day, the second I couldn't get out of bed and slept almost the whole day, pretty much the same for the third, and since then I've been tired and dizzy and moody. I'm pretty much fine when I wake up, but after a certain point I start to get really depressed and somewhat dizzy. The dizziness doesn't concern me that much, since I'm pretty sure it's going away, but the depression has been really bad. Is this something that will go away as well, or could it be more of a sign that the Effexor was actually working for me? And for anyone else that has gone off of Effexor: about how long did it take for you to feel more normal again, since I've heard it's notoriously bad for withdrawals? Thanks a lot!
  20. I'm doing better now that I make sure I don't eat until I'm hungry (I have a habit of eating when I'm not terribly hungry), and I eat small portions. I don't feel too awful about my stomach unless it's bulging and full. I've also started doing leg lifts, which makes my stomach feel tighter. Water has also been helping. Thanks, everyone, for your advice!
  21. I had this when I was younger, I was always what I thought was straight-faced but what other people thought of as angry. I didn't jump when startled, and I forced myself to remain blank during emotional situations. We did the emotions charades in health class in high school, and after a couple times when no one could guess my expressions, I got angry and told my group to do it by themselves. I still smile when I'm talking about something that's upsetting to me, but I think of it as trying to convey to the other person that it's not a big deal, and they don't have to take it so seriously. If I'm extremely stressed out/emotional I kind of get the maniacal laugh, or the extremely bitter laugh. When I was admitted to a hospital for the first time for a suicide attempt, I thought everything was hilarious (although I had a lot of Ativan in my system at the time). I've had a lot of problems with not displaying the correct emotions, since when I'm feeling awful for a long period of time, and then the truth finally comes out, no one could tell how bad it was.
  22. I'm so sick of YOLO already. Just seeing it typed up on the internet irritates me. There is no real situation where you would need to use that acronym.
  23. I'm female, so I'm guessing it's around 1800-2000? Also, I take it at night 'cause it helps me sleep. I've been trying to drink more water, it helps a little. I get the extra-hungry feeling right before bed too, which definitely doesn't help with the weight gain. I've never had good willpower when it comes to dieting . I've just lucked out until now. I'll definitely try the smaller meals thing--it'll at least help with my stomach feeling bigger after I've eaten, which gives me a choking feeling of shame and disgust with myself.
  24. I recently upped my dose of Seroquel from 50mg to 100mg. I noticed that I was a little hungrier on the lower dose, but it wasn't a big deal. Now I'm hungry all the time (it seems like), and hungrier than normal. I've gained some weight, too. Do you know if there's a way to combat the hunger so I don't have to be starving all the time? I've never really dieted before (my diets consist of getting really depressed and not eating), so I don't know much about calorie amounts or healthier, more filling foods. Got any tips for me?
  25. You don't have to beat yourself up for not living up to what you see as the standard. You're allowed to not do things that are going to stress you out. If you can survive on the other job, it's not that big of a deal. You can still look for another summer job that won't cause you as much stress (maybe at a library? I hear that's not too stressful, and you don't have to deal with customers as much). Sounds like you have a lot on your plate already, and you have to take care of yourself! That being said, I have also quit jobs because I was making myself sick over dreading it every day and being stressed out all the time. Once I set up an interview for a grocery store and then didn't show up because I kept thinking about how much I didn't want to work there.
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