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    London, UK
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    Decadence. Diamonds. Pearls. Lace. Corsets. Tea. Cocktails. Dancing. Lipstick. Love. Pink dewy roses. Dandelions. Sunsets. Oceans. Rain. Parasols. Kittens. Tiaras. Masks. Porcelain Dolls.
    Living my fantasy...♥
  1. If anyone is out there... I am prescribed adderall for my ADHD and diazepam for anxiety. Except I forgot to take the diazepam at the right time and now find myself in a weird mixed state coming off the adderall. Like I want to plan a fairy cooking party and itineraries for upcoming trips to NY and LA but the thought of cleaning my room is making me feel like this intense panic attack. My room could be done in about a half hour but will probably be up half the night trying to relax so I don't freak out about not having the physical energy to do it (or the THOUGHT of feeling anxious and having to do it) but having so much mental energy. Mixed states are so bizarre. I am so bad with remembering to take all my meds on time but they also say "as needed" I just did not realize the adderall would have this weird almost come-down like effect. I don't know. Sorry for the ramble. I just hate that rationally I should just (is cursing allowed here? ) f-ing clean my room but I can't. Yet I can organize a fairy cooking party. What is actually wrong with me? I'm sorry for the nature of this post I am in a bizarre mixed state and feel like I should try and use social media less when I feel this way.... Any advice to calm down? I am also worried as newly prescribed adderall so hopefully the diazepam kills this weird jittery effect. Sometimes I feel afraid of feeling afraid or like I will mess up and its so self fulfilling prophecy and that but I can't stop. Thank you for listening.
  2. It says you are still the same person you were, just someone who is having a hard time right now managing things, including emotions, and that puts a drain on your financial resources. It doesn't mean anything about you as a person. Everyone has hard times now and again. While it might feel safer to hide in the short term, it sounds like hiding is ultimately getting in the way of having the kind of life that you want to have. Anxiety tends to respond really well to any of the cognitive behavioral, or "third wave behavioral" therapies (DBT, ACT, MBCT), especially when combined with appropriate medication use. ^ Thank you so much for this ^.^ I had a doctor app yesterday to refer me to a psychologist/psychiatrist and she said she would put a referrel in but it may take up to two months or longer, after the holiday season and all. I just felt so trivialized. I tried ending my life in the not to distant past and have cutting problems, as well as the drugs and grief and PTSD. I know what I really need is some kind of programe or something but if I don't get my coursework done and attend class i'll be deported. So I'm walking this tightrope. Sometimes I feel like im floundering, but I fought so hard to be here I cant give up now. (I did message my friend and I think we are working things out....I hope so, anyway.)
  3. *I'm not sure if this should be in this or the drug forum, it affects both :-/* I know they are trying to reach out and help. But right now I am dealing with Bipolar 11, PTSD, GAD and Agoraphobia. I used to self-medicate a lot to deal with this. A bit of coke and E and K (god...the K) and I was the life of the party. But now I am off of everything except valium (prescribed) and subutex (also prescribed). I was prescribed Xnanx but ran out and new pdoc won't prescribe. In public situations, without K and vals and weed I feel so anxious. Before I ever started drugs I was raped (twice) and my best friend in the world died 8 months ago. The subutex helps when I am out or especially in my studio with my fiancee, so does the K. Then I can enter a whole little TV/Movie planet and not worry about the pain, grief and incredible anger I feel. But I haven't been able to get K, my fiancee really wants me to stop that and the subutex, intellectually I know hes totally right but then the pain (plus physical withdrawl) will come flooding back and I don't think Im strong enough to cope. I am in a drug care program called ISIS, I see a doctor and caretaker about once a week. I have a GP appointment tuesday and am going to ask for a pdoc referral. (Had to pay privately for the one who prescribed the xnanx, im in London btw so most healthcare is free or cheap luckily.) Into this whole mix jumps my friends. They remember the fun, social girl I was 2 years ago when I was in college and lived for parties and cocktails and boys. I still love them, still care too much but im scared. Scared of letting them into my heart when my best friend is gone and never coming back. I has another friend die this year too and the pain...the pain. One of my other best friends has been trying to write me since xmas to give me a present, she invited me and my fiancee to a salsa thing tonight. I love her but usually we give each other these really lavish presents (when I used to work and actually had money) but im almost to poor to buy food atm. Same with my other friends...even though I try to keep reminding myself there MY friends, they like me for a reason, I am just so anxious and worried of doing or saying the wrong thing, having an episode. I cant see one of my best friends because I am too embarrassed I couldn't afford to buy her an xmas present...what does that say about me? I had a horrible episode two days ago, when I ran out of weed/K and couldn't get more. It involved screaming at my fiancee (who traveled all the way to get it but the guy was out), him threatening to go back to NY, plates smashing across the room (by me). It was so horrible. I felt so much anger, so much RAGE, and my caretaker at ISIS said it was because for once I was not sedated and supressing my emotions. This may be true, but how do I deal? I am a good person, really. I love my fiancee so much and am the girl with the biggest smile. I want everyone to like me. Maybe thats part of the problem...but how can I change that? Do I even want to? I just want to be the girl I was, but I feel like when my best friend died this huge part of me died too. She was like my twin almost, we were so similar. She was the only one I could be myself with, really talk too. I dont want to lose my other friends but esp the ones who aren't as close or don't have MI's....they would think me a freak (says my brain). Its so much safer just to hide. (P.S. So sorry for the length of this...I am usually quite suppressed so when something comes out it does so in a rush! >.<)
  4. 2012. London. I met her. Alternative model, loved books and cats. japanese fashion. we both modelled, wrote, had bipolar and the same addictive tendancies. but she was so loving, intelligent, kind. "its like were the same person" she said. I went back to america too see my family, sober up. She helped me pack, took me to heathrow with our then boyfriends. My last memory is her hugging me. telling me wed be together again soon. Her last txt was when I was on the plane...."i made a best friend only to have you leave so soon. we will be together again before you know it. I love you xxx" I wont bore you with the details, but it took me until early october this year to get home. She died in may, while I was in new york for a few months. I found out on facebook. My question is, does it ever get easier? i have a fiancee who i love but she was my best friend and going to marry me so i could stay in London. She was the only one like me.....the good and bad and cute and cuddly, smart and beautiful and a dreamer. she was the only one who understand. Everything seems so laughably trivial now. im finally in london again but its even harder in a way because everything reminds me of her, of what ive lost. like a piece of me is gone. even the friends i have im avoiding because im just so scared. what if they hurt and judge me? or what if i lose them too? Ive had two other friends die, one this year too, but nothings affected me quite like this. And ive gone through a lot. in my creative writing PA class now and honestly could not give a shit. My lecturures are like the adults in peanuts. they dont talk, just use a wahh wahh voice thing. I know this is a lot. Its not even the half of my story. But its honestly eating me up inside. So i spend hours getting ready the one time I actually meet my friends last weekend. I wear the expensive coat, the perfect hat and make up and jewlery. try and be the girl they knew. because who could like a fucked up mess?? and making an effort occasionally....its better than them thinking im a total fruitcake and dropping me completelly right? Some of my friends....the ones who knew Her, know the truth. they are at least understanding of the cancelled plans, the nights spent in watching TV desprately trying to forget. I know to heal i need to open up. But right now im walking on eggshells, scared if i miss to much class, too much work, ill be deported and lose the few people that make it worth the sometime herculian effort to get out of bed (most days). And then i really will lose everything. i just feel trapped in a glass box, pressed in by the greif, anxiety, fear and deppression. Terrified at any moment its going to shatter.
  5. So, I have Bipolar 2, Anxiety, PTSD, and am currently trying to quit opiates. I posted about the opiate thing in the substance abuse forum but...this is more about my relationship. And my guilt. I went to London for college and was meant to be returning Feb 14th (am currently in NYC) but I met my bf exactly one month one day ago. I was in a very strange sitiation at the time...I shared an apartment with strangers in brooklyn then the bronx, but when I met him I was at a hotel with a male friend and a female friend from London who was visiting me briefly before going back upstate to see her family in Rochester. I went out with them both to a club night with a great local band playing and met my BF, spent the night and then went to work before going back to the hotel. Then the male "friend" did something that really pissed off my female friend, so she stayed with me and him for the night before getting a train home. I have been living with him ever since...he has a job in computer programming that allows him to work from home or anywhere remote so we have been spending a lot of time together. We fell in love very quickly, he is very intelligent, attractive, and we have a great sex life. Also we genuinally love each other and he has been there for me and really helped me, and is helping me, If it wasn't for him or returning to London I honestly don't know if I would still be alive. After two weeks, he changed my plane ticket to March 15th, he also booked a ticket for himself on the same date to visit London for two weeks, see if he likes it there and hopefully transfer to the London office of his workplace if so. All of the above was his idea, I am an incredibly stubbern person and really do not like NYC for the fact that I have 0 friends here, except the ones who introduced me to opiates to begin with and I have no idea where they are now (apparently, one is in jail.) Hence the return to London, and with out the bf (lets call him Ricky) convincing me to stay in the states, I would already be back. But I agreed to wait, for him. It's only a month after all. Two weeks now. But since then my physical and mental dependancy to opiates has gotten worse, as has my bipolar and anxiety. Once, he left to get me Xnax (which I had a prescription to but ran out and had to wait for a pdoc app here) to come home finding me drunk, I also swallowed about 9 vicodin and 20 or so tenazepam, or more, I honestly dont remember. It was only my second mixed episode since being diagnosed with bipolar, and I tend to forget most parts. The depression was so bad...the need to escape the pain. Another time, he found me laughing manically in the bathroom covered in blood from razerblades. (Luckily, the cuts were shallow) I think he is to good for me. He should NOT have to deal with this. Neither should my family (which is why I tend not to tend tell them a lot...especially the addiction part) I only had those two really bad episodes but as im either manic, depressed, or high (and soon to be on withdrawl...my appointment with my pdoc to get off the opiates is today at 6:45 PM) I told him I am sorry so many times. I cant help the mania, the depression, and currently, the addiction. I love him so much and am terrified of losing him. But he tells me that I make him happy (we do have some great times....it isn't all bad) and that the only two things he would leave me for are cheating and lying. He is the only man whose arms I ever felt safe enough to fall asleep in. I told him I loved him a barely a week into our relationship when he spent an entire day in bed holding me when I was dope sick and throwing up bile. I needed him more than ever that day and know so many others wouldnt do that. He didnt say it back until a couple of days later but now he does all the time and I know he means it. It's just...I feel like I disapoint him everytime I self-medicate or cut myself etc. I am trying SO hard to change, to be the better woman, person, I can be. I want to be perfect for him, or at least not so fucked up. Hence the pdoc and doctor apps, I so hope they go well and I can kick the opiates for good. But then there's the bipolar to deal with. He's also been supporting me financially as I used to escort after being very badly abused and then getting used to the money and then spending it all self-medicating...yeah...so he says he would rather support me than me go back to escorting. That also ads to my guilt, and with my MI and soon opiate withdrawl I know I can't hold a normal job down. Hopefully, in London I can try and look for legit work. And then treat him but that might take a while, if at all I want to change, so badly. I love him to bits and he is one of the best things in my life right now, the only reason I'm still in NYC. But I feel like without me, he would have so much less shit to deal with, and I've disrupted his life so much. He says he was deppressed and that I'm the only thing that motivates him and that I make him happy but I know I can be horrible for him and just feel like without me, his life would be so much better. Has anyone else here experienced this? The incredible guilt of burdening a loved one with your MI? The past couple of days have been particularly bad with suicidel thoughts, etc because I just feel like this mess that he needs to deal with....even if he says he wants to.
  6. Wellbutrin REALLY amped up my sex drive, especially when first taking it. Currently trying to quit opiates so it's kinda negating the effect a bit :/ But still, wellbutrins the only antideppressent that I got on REALLLY well with and made me actually enjoy sex again.
  7. I'm kind of worried about Suboxone, before I did H I did either suboxone or subutex (I cant remember which) with a guy and had a really bad reaction (horrible comedown...felt like my skin was crawling all over with ants, worse than H comedown even) I'd been doing about 5 dime bags of H a day. I threw away all the needles in the bathroom but can still find some randomly floating around the apartment if I look hard enough. Last night I had a depressive episode in a club where I spent a good half hour (at least...I lose all track of time when having an episode) in the bathroom trying to use a the top half of a lipstick as a cooker as there were no caps around trying to jab myself in the arm. I did MDMA (one pill) earlier that night and also a lot of K. It's like nothing effects me anymore...I actually really liked being high on K when partying, and molly, and now even if I take both in very large quantities...nothing. Last wed I did H and K together and still felt the K but last night I got very pissed off and deppressive as the K didnt effect me at all due to the H and I just felt normal. Although genereally drugs dont get me at all "high" anymore, they just get me normal. So I'm in 3 states: Manic, Depressed, Fucked-up. Or having a mixed episode. The party last night sucked which might have been part of it,,,really horrible cheesy music and the whole knowing no one and having no friends thing didnt help much either :-/ One of the main reasons I took so much K in the bathroom is that was my instant reaction: Oh, this situation sucks, lets get trashed so I dont have to deal with it. I hate it. I hate how the H blocks out all other drugs but then I feel like I need more H to then be high on H at least. I got home, took 20mgs of diazepam and 2 bags of H (snorting...not injecting at least) took a bath with the BF and then slept until today at 5:30pm. I needed that...I was so worried with all the crap in my system I wouldnt be able to sleep at all (I have terrible insomnia on top of everything else...yes eyen when I was clean in FL I can still be awake for 3 days at a time) My appointment to see a Pdoc is at 6: 45 tomorrow. I cant wait to get help. I dont even like being on H anymore just feel like I *need* it. I'm trying to take less and less but that only makes my deppression worse. I felt very suicidel yesterday and today. Not manic enough to actually do anything about it I just hate how self-destructive I am and how fucked up and I just feel like a massive burden on everyone I love...my family, my BF, my friends. I feel like they would all be so much better off without having to deal with fucked-up me. I've been having fresh fruit and garlic, I've gained 5 pounds recently and been feeling horribly fat so am trying to eat healthy and less. If I am manic, the one thing that helps is diazepam, 10-20mgs to affect me. 2mgs of Xnax make me fall asleep, that or Serequel. Problem is my appointment is 6:45 tomorrow. I am out of diazepam, serequel and xnax. As of this moment I have a bundle (10 dime bags) of H left, enough to get me through tonight and tomorrow until my appointment. I have snorted 2 bags today so far and already feel mental and part physical withdrawl setting in. I dont want to do it. I really dont. But I am just so sad atm. I know mentally that soon I will be with my friends and BF in London but I cant stop the depressed thoughts from coming. My bf has to go to work tomorrow untill 5:30 so I will be alone all day. Whenever I am alone all I can think about is how fucked up and mental I am and how much better everyone would be without me I hate how I feel like I need H/Diazepam/Xnanx or else am a horribly bitchy person. Its like when I was psycologically addicted to molly and K....I feel like I'm not a good person without it This is getting ridiculously long again so I'll stop...I really appreciate everyone who is reading/responding. *Edit- I looked up NA meetings I might go to before my appointment while my BF is at work and and found one tomorrow at 3pm. I will try it and hope it helps...am a little leery at some of them being held at church's as I'm not really religious at all so hope that aspect doesn't have to do much with the program. But what harm can it do? Anything is better than being home alone with the monsters in my head :-/* Hoping for the best...
  8. Wow. This is exactly how I feel. I'm generally confused about my disorder/s, I have been diagnosed with cyclothymia by my pdoc about a year ago in London, Bipolar II by two pdocs in Florida, and apparently I now have "traits of borderline" I think I may have some mixture of both...like sometimes out of the blue I'll be doing the dishes/singing disney songs then lying in bed crying my eyes out. But today, I wanted a monkey beanie baby from duane reade and didn't get it because the checkout guy left it out. That was enough to piss me off and annoy me for hours. I mean, come on, it was a fucking BEANIE BABY. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't shut up about it. I've found a good way of dealing with this is doing something else to make you happy and distract yourself from whatever's pissing you off...like I wanted to get my nails done. Then I realized nails cost $40 on the Upper east side vs the 15/20 I was used to paying, so that kinda failed. Maybe watch a funny show, have sex with your partner if you have one, if not masturbation tends to help me a lot, hehe. Just how I deal with my mood swings...distraction can really be one of the best forms of natural self medication I seem to find.
  9. This. Very much this. I think you're going to need all the help you can get, to get off, to stay off. Quitting is -far- from easy, from what I've seen. Staying off is not exactly simple either. I agree that you should get any and every bit of help that you possibly can. I know you want to protect your family from your current situation but honestly having their support on your side could be one of the major pillars that helps you get through this. Especially if they could help out with the financial issues in order to get you proper professional outpatient treatment. You will NOT be able to get clean of this in 15 days, not even if your boyfriend manages to get a hold of some methadone, and neither of you are trained professionals in dealing with this sort of thing. Thank you for this I will be researching NA programs in my area ASAP. I really would feel horrible asking my family for financial help though. They put me through college and so much more, and I hate that they have to deal with me :-/ It's one of the reasons I got so depressed to begin with...I hate the fact I'm so messed up and reliant on others. I try so hard to be independent but its hard when you are too depressed to leave your bed at times and keep getting rejected from any even crappily paying job in the field I have my degree in (Journalism.) I am so lucky to have my bf here because without him, I probably wouldn't even be writing this, I would have much more support in London as I have friends who are like family with similar problems to me, who have really helped me in the past. I think detoxing in that environment would be much better than in a place where I feel like I have almost no one besides my bf and am just so alone Even if it means going to rehab I'd still rather go there. Plus the tickets are booked, my rent for a room I am renting in one of my best friends house is paid for, and it really does seem like the best option. Whether or not I'm on that flight or not the financial stuff will still be an issue. It looks like I'll have to go back to escorting (or webcam modelling which my bf actually suggested as a much safer alternative, the downside being they pay only two weeks, apparently) I guess the only good thing is I have been doing H for about 2 or 3 months, not years like some but honestly I've read up and it looks like the withdrawal is horrible either way :-/ When I fucked my arms up he doesn't give me sympathy because yes, I am doing this to myself, but I only started due to extreme depression and really really want to stop. I don't want to lose him I wonder if there is someway of taking out a loan somehow...it just sucks that the only way to pay for treatment quickly is by selling my body especially as my PTSD dreams are coming back again I just wish I was born in London as they have free clinics and help there...
  10. So... I haven't been on here in a while. About 9 months or so. I was diagnosed with bipolar 11, GAD, PTDS, and now apparently traits of borderline. Point is, these boards *really* helped me...I was in Florida when I started posting. I had just moved back to my hometown after spending my four years in college abroad in London. I really needed those five months in Florida to get clean off the drugs I was taking at the time (molly, k, coke, mcat, weed, valium) and get therapy for my mental issues. Then I moved to New York City (where I am now) thinking it would be like Rent, Sex and the City, all those exciting movies and TV shows. Full of new possibilities and excitement, where I could start my life anew and really change for the better. Instead, everything just went incredibly downhill. My depression medication (Wellbutrin 300 mgs) stopped working and I started to self-harm which I had never done in the past. I've lived here four/five months and have no friends at all. My overly intense behavior (as I'm either manic or depressed) puts people off I guess. I don't know. The first month I was here I lived in a curtained off bedspace in someone's living room from airbnb and did make a couple of friends but they were just visiting and now I have no one. it's just so sad. I've been to a lot of parties and have 3 or 4 dealers numbers in my phone but no one to grab a cup of coffee with or see a movie or just hang out. On the subway, I met three street kids (2 of whom injected H) who introduced me and I loved the feeling, the rush, the uncaring about everything. I ended up in a polyamouros relationship with the three of them for about a week until two of them dumped me due to a fight when being dopesick, and I broke up with the third due to the constant fighting and his need to argue with me and control me. But hey, I had a new relationship now. Heroin. I didn't care my arms soon became bruised and horrible looking as I wasn't properly injecting. The cutting I did made them horrible anyway. I have only two things in my life to live for now: My boyfriend, who I met a few weeks ago and we fell in love completely. I was going to go back to London Feb 15th but he changed the ticket to March 15th so he could fly over with me and see about possibly moving. The second thing is my friends who are like family back in London who I miss terribly, But my boyfriend gave me a choice: him or heroin. I wanted to quit heroin anyway. I only continued it because I had no one at all here and was just so incredibly lonely. I felt like H was my only friend. And even with this wonderful man I am really in love with, my depression continues to worsen and H seems to be the one thing stopping me from being horribly sad or suicidal. A couple of days ago when I couldn't pick up I got dope sickness so bad and just couldn't see past that fog of depression My bf had left the apartment we share for a bit and came home to find me covered in sweat, all pill bottles empty (vicodin, xnax, etc) bottle of rum on the floor and me somehow still awake talking to my ex from London I am still friends with. Managed to get 5 bundles last night. Today I fucked up my hands really bad, lost feeling in one for a bit and it swelled up loads, The other has some muscle pain when I try and move my wrist in a circle. For some reason, that shocked me into the reality of how fucked up it is what I am doing and I promised to my bf and myself never to inject again. I am trying to only snort occasionally now to ward off the dope sickness and also horrible depression and suicidal thoughts. I want to try and join an outpaitent clinic and get methadone but cant seem to find one that accepts my insurance (humana) and my family is in the dark about all of this and I don't want to hurt them any more than I already have when then had to help me deal with my mental health issues. I want to protect them. My boyfriend is also supporting me at the moment as he doesn't want me to go back to escorting which is what I was doing out of desperation to pay the sky high NYC rent, and yes, support my coke and then ketamine habit. I have a degree in Creative Writing which has proved pretty useless to get a *legit* job, and yes, the easy money of escorting can be a very easy trap to fall into. I'm so sorry this has gotten so long I don't want to be a bad person, I really dont. I hate the fact I cant even get out of the apartment without a dose of H now since my meds stopped working (they stopped working before the H) I just really, really need advice. My flight is March 15th and we need to be on that plane so from this moment on I want to devote my full time and energy into quitting. Yes, I have seen many doctors/theapists/pdocs and the gist of it is pretty much every mood stabilizer I cant be on (Lithium gave me hypothyroidism, Lamictal gave me a severe allergic reaction with rashes all over my body, ditto with Carbamazipine and I gained tons of weight on Saphris plus it made me turn into a zombie) My bf says he may be able to get methadone from a friend in a couple of days time, I WANT to be treated as an outpatient at a clinic it just sucks so much there is no universal healthcare here in the US and I probably can't afford the help I need Any tips on cutting back/dealing with dope sickness/anything else you can think of would be so greatly appreciated, Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
  11. Well, I had my bloodwork results back today, and apparently I have severe Hypothyroidism. As in, I've only been on the lithium a little over a week and my pdoc says that she never saw levels shoot up so much. So now its back to the drawing board and im being started on Carbamazepine, 200 MG twice a day. A bit sad as I had such high hopes for the lithium
  12. Thanks...I'll ring tomorrow and ask about beta blockers. Are there any examples of some I could suggest that would work well with the lithium?
  13. Well, Ive been on Lithium (300mgs in the morning, another 300mgs at night, along with 50 mgs Trazodone) for over a week now. Not long, but the past few days ive woken up extremely tired and lethargic, dizzy, and with my hands shaking. I cant do makeup. I cant even type properly, most of the time (the hand tremors come and go) Seeing as I seem to be doing better mood wise, I really believe the hand tremors and lethargy will pass. I drink liters of water a day. Im trying to eat healthily. But my mother saw how much my hands were shaking at dinner and called my pdoc, who said I shouldn't take the lithium tonight, so ive just had my trazodone. She also wants me taking risperidone, but I really dont want to as I have a history of reacting badly to meds, and just am really praying the side effects of lithium to go away. Also the side effects of the risperidone scare me, as it includeds more tremors, and sleep and eating disorders (I already have insomnia and am a former anorexic, although have gained weight recently due to meds) So I kind of just want to stick with the lithium and trazodone and wait out the side effects (not start a new med and have the wonder what side effects go with what), and my therapist agrees (I dont really like any of the pdocs ive seen so far, they see you for about 5 or 10 mins and take phone calls during sessions) but she says its very difficult finding a good pdoc where I live so you kind of have to "be your own doctor" I just really hope the tremors go away...I want so badly for this to work, and it does, but my hand hurts from shaking and I hate dropping things and even typing this is taking so long. I had a blood test this afternoon so hopefully my levels are good... Please let me know if this is normal for anyone out there...and if it goes away =/
  14. I've been referred and am waiting for a call, but apparently there's a list. I'll call my doctor back tomorrow and nag for a follow up...I've been waiting for about a month or more, now. The gallstones I've had to live with for over a year, because of the anxiety attacks and other mental issues I kept getting misdiagnosed for months :-/ Just hope the Royal Free hospital in London sends over my CATscans and endoscopy results so I dont need to go through the time and cost of that again...
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