Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    New Jersey
  1. Just updating to say I've been taking it for a week thus far. So far I've been really tired, but I'm use to that with meds. I've been sleeping anywhere from 10-14 hours a night now, and have woken up with a terribly dry mouth, and the taste of dead stuff (that's the only way I know to describe it). I think that might be starting to go away already though. The first two days I had a constant headache. That went away on the third day, thankfully. I haven't noticed any real change in appetite though, so that's good. Today my nose has been really dried out and bloody. I'm not sure if that's medicine related though, could be some weird changes in the atmosphere or something, not sure. As far as treating symptoms... I don't really feel too anxious, so that's encouraging. But at the same time, I'm worried that it's because I've been staying in my comfort zone and not really doing anything that tends to cause the really bad anxiety. The normal over-thinking and worrying seems to have eased up a bit though, so that's good.
  2. Thanks for all the input. It's at least reassuring that nobody seems to have gotten diabetes. My pdoc told me he was hoping it would help with my anxiety, as that's been the most troubling thing recently. I don't have - and have never had - psychotic symptoms like hallucinations, delusions, things of that nature. I do have some paranoid tendencies, but it's mostly social related, feeling as though people are watching me when I'm in public, judging/thinking poorly of me, talking about me. General mistrust of my friends, feeling as though they are avoiding me, or discluding me, or sometimes even being convinced that they're all in on some thing together. There was an isolated incident when I was frantically calling my friends and family while I was out of state, because I had this irrational fear that a prior abuser of mine was in my town, despite the fact that I wasn't anywhere near there, I hadn't seen or heard from this person in years, and the last I knew they were in Utah, while I was living in New Jersey. The thing about all of the paranoid type thinking though, is I realize 95% of the time how illogical it is. I can take a step back and recognize "Okay, this isn't actually happening, I'm just perceiving things poorly". Doesn't change the emotional response to it though. My bipolar-arity has actually been the least of my concerns for the past month or so. I haven't had any extreme swings one way or the other, just some mild-moderate fluctuations. Just about every psychiatrist I've seen in the last seven or eight years has had me on Abilify in some way, shape, or form, despite the fact it's never done anything to help me. Must be something to do with the ridiculous cost of Abilify and financial kickbacks or something like that. I suspect that I'm currently being taken off of it - he wants me to halve the Abilify I was taking (15mg) and start the Zyprexa when I receive it, and then I have an appointment in two weeks. I'm trying to be a cooperative patient, because I'm starting to get the impression that he views me as uncooperative, and thus thinks I don't really want to get better. I certainly don't need that written down in my paperwork.
  3. Well, I'm trying to do some reading up on Zyprexa, since I'm being put on it. Trying to stay positive. The weight gain has me concerned - at 320lbs I am definitely heavy enough on my own, and I already have hypothyroidism and metabolic issues, as well as digestive issues, and probably undiagnosed BED. But more concerning is the risk of developing insulin-resistance and then diabetes. I have bloodwork done regularly and my bloodsugar levels and all of that have never been an issue thus far. Funnily enough, I'm almost more worried that if I do end up with it, they'll blame me for it and not the medication, as if it really matters one way or the other. I'm also getting frustrated over the fact that I've been on so many different things and none of them have ever helped at all, they either made things worse, had side effects that required I be taken off them, or they made no changes. It's hard to keep remaining optimistic that one day something will click. So: Questions: Did you gain weight on Zyprexa? If so, how much? Were you able to lose it? Did you develop diabetes? What was Zyprexa prescribed for/ how well did it work/ in what way(s) did it help? How tired did it make you? Was there a lot of brain fogginess? Did that go away? New medications are always intimidating.
  4. Yeah, I'm going to go. I like asking out of courtesy and such. I just get tired of this sort of thing. They go on and on about how I can't use mental illness as an excuse or crutch, and I have to push myself and try harder and 'grow up'. I get treated as if I'm never allowed to have a bad day/week/few weeks. But then they have this all or nothing attitude and black-and-white approach to everything as well. I just need to take steps back and remind myself that my parents are humans with their own sets of issues too - and the past is better left there. It's just so hard to let go of things that have been said and done and look at current things through a fresh lens. But it always reeks of fake-concern and manipulation to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the way I was treated a year and a half ago, when I was inpatient. I 'celebrated' my birthday in the hospital and the staff and other patients treated me much better than my own family for it. It came out a few months after I was out of the hospital that my mother purposefully slighted me for my birthday and christmas (which are only a few weeks apart) because she felt that I was being selfish and dramatic. I also requested my records from my inpatient stay, and discovered that she told the staff that I was 'a liar and very manipulative'. *deep breaths* History is a hard thing to forget, for me. It's difficult, because everyone positive in my life can see the negative effect my living situation has on my recovery and mental well-being - my therapist, my friends... But nobody is in a position to help me out of it, so until I can find a way to financially support myself I'm stuck living here and walking on eggshells trying to stay on their 'good' side.
  5. A friend invited me to the upcoming NYC Pride celebration this coming weekend. When I asked my parents (which is actually just a formality since I am 19 and a sign of respect since I am still under their roof) if I could go with her they gave me all kinds of crap about it. They, apparently, think that because I am unable to work due to phobia/anxiety or whatever the hell causes my emotional meltdowns... that this means I can't do anything. Even though I've explained at great length about what happened. Apparently, because "Your mother and I can't be in crowds (when suffering from anxiety)" means that I, too, cannot be in crowds. It isn't being around people that bothers me. It's partly the overwhelming feeling that I am being scrutinized and judged and stared at and talked about. I have problems with one-on-one interactions, phone interactions, being in public on my own (like going to a store) or something like that where I feel as though I stand out a lot. My whole life I have never had a problem attending large music concerts or anything of that nature. I somehow feel that the last place I will be scrutinized or judged will be at a gay/lgbt pride event. I'm also trying to avoid developing agoraphobia, which sounds silly, but there was a point about three years ago where I couldn't leave my house or go anywhere by myself, and even when I was with someone I could only handle short excursions. This lasted for several months and it was very hard to reclaim my independence so to speak. I know if I start avoiding doing things because I'm afraid of my anxiety, it will happen again. It should also be noted that if I were to say "Sorry, I can't go to the store for you today, my anxiety is really bad." My parents would not be accepting of this. They would tell me to grow up, push myself, you know, all the usual b.s. They aren't trying to understand me. They aren't trying to support me. They aren't just looking out for me... My mental illness only exists at their convenience.
  6. Weirdest reaction to medication is actually for a non-psych one. I cannot take Nyquil, Dayquil, or their generics. All of them make me hallucinate something awful. I think I must just be sensitive to it, because I have heard that people will abuse them and take large doses for a high, so who knows. For me, I don't see the appeal, because every time has been terrifying. When I was on a combo of Wellbutrin and Trazadone, I had blurry vision problems, and muscle weakness. That was NOT fun.
  7. I really appreciate the input and advice from everyone. It's given me quite a bit to think about. I would prefer (as I'm sure 99% of people would) to be able to find someway to support myself without government assistance. I am privileged in that I have a roof over my head and food on the table, even if it does come at the cost of dealing with my family. Yeah, my tdoc thinks I haven't failed enough times at working, and so I would immediately be turned down. As far as small goals, I'm going to go to the store with my mother tomorrow. I know the longer I try and shelter myself, the harder it's going to be to get back out in the world. I've only been in for five days now, but knowing me if I let it continue it'll turn into 5 weeks without leaving the house, and just keep going. My current meds are 20mg Lexapro, 15mg Abilify, 150mg Lamictal, and 150mg Nuvigil (as well as 100mcg Levoxyl for low-thyroid). I've been on this combo for a year now with no changes (it's not working). A prior doctor of mine wanted to prescribe me Xanax but at the time I was wary for a few reasons. My mother is a recovered addict and alcoholism runs in my family. I was also, at the time, very depressed and was self-harming a lot, so for those reasons I declined the prescription for fear I would abuse it or worse. It's hard because I've never been able to figure out what it is I want to even do, if I had the ability. There are plenty of things that interest me, but... I don't know. Nothing seems practical. I keep trying to soul-search and try different things out, but nothing really sticks. I like the idea of being my own boss, or having a lot of freedom with my work, but at the same time, I find it very hard to get things done on my own 70% of the time without a given direction. I like to keep busy at work, but I quickly feel anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed. When work is slow, I find myself staring at the clock longing to just go home. A lot of the time I just feel really immature, and like I need to just give myself a kick in the ass and grow up. I haven't really found anything I'm passionate about that I can make a career out of, and it seems like while I'm dealing with MI, I'm not going to be able to find it.
  8. Thanks for the suggestions. A little over a year ago, through the suggestion of the counselors at an IOP program I was in, I contacted VR and they basically said anything they could offer me, I would have to pay for out-of-pocket as I am still considered a dependent until I turn 24, regardless of my personal income or living situation, and that my parents' income is too high for the financial end of things (such as testing they wanted done or schooling). When I was still a minor, I had all of my therapy and pdoc appointments through the local clinic, as nobody in my area really deals with juveniles or adolescents under our insurance, and my family was very involved with those. I did that for three years with no results, and my therapist and pdoc were both convinced there was nothing seriously 'wrong' with me, and it was just teenage hormones, rebellion, and some mild depression and anxiety, and told my parents as much. My parents decided to stop setting up appointments and such, saying if it hadn't helped me over the past three years, it wasn't going to. About 8 months later, I was missing a lot of school and was begging them to find a way for me to see a therapist and pdoc again, get me on a waiting list. They refused, and suggested I visit the school counselors (School-Based Youth Services) for awhile to see if they could help. I thought that I would go for awhile, and they would suggest to my parents I seek outside help. I'm not sure if it was just my counselor who didn't operate this way, or the whole system, but regardless, I went weekly for a few months, and then she suggested we do "family" therapy, after school. My parents balked at the idea, but being it was their suggestion I visit her in the first place went along with it for a month or two. It was a horrible experience. I felt very ganged up on, and rather than getting us to communicate more effectively, it seemed as if a lot of 'blame' for things was placed on me, and that my counselor chose a side. I've re-explored the option with my current therapist, and he's been fine with the idea of bringing my family in every once in awhile, but my family is not. My dad works 70/hr weeks so he doesn't have the time (and says that if it didn't help before, it won't help now, so it would be a waste), and my Mom just won't do it if my Dad isn't involved. I will see about volunteering again, though, and what forms of self-employment would work out for me. I wouldn't keep trying to take on these jobs, but my near-constant unemployment is a huge point of contention with my parents (and extended family, for that matter).
  9. I've been exploring options, and my interests, and things like that... and really... my reaction to working is very similar to like, my reaction to spiders. Actually, I remember when I went to Disney when I was young, around ten years old. At first I was really excited to go on this indoor drop-ride, Tower of Terror. But as we got closer and closer to getting on the ride, I kept getting more and more scared, and eventually I was begging not to go and my parents had me go on anyway, since we'd waited so long. I remember how scared I was that I basically screamed the whole time and clamped my eyes shut, and had to be more or less carried off the ride when it was over, and once it was over I was still freaking out about it. That's basically my reaction to working. When I first get a job, I get excited, but it just goes downhill from there and I never really get a reprieve from it until several weeks of not working. I don't know if it's actually anxiety, or if it is a fear... but whatever it was it's way irrational because I've never had any jobs that would be considered particularly stressful. As far as volunteering goes, I actually was volunteering for about two months last spring, steadily two-three days a week. I was helping out at a therapeutic riding center for physically disabled children, and those with various forms of autism. It was pretty great, but I felt very obligated to be there whenever they needed me, and felt really bad about having to leave because I took on a full-time job. My parents like to say they support me fully and whatnot, but they've been really hurtful and invalidating in the past, and even if I don't always see it, they have been abusive, especially on the verbal/emotional spectrum of things. I'm really walking on thin ice with my living situation, back in August they had given me until the end of April to find another place to live because they felt that kicking me out would give me a push to 'get better' and 'be an adult', but then decided a few weeks before their deadline that they weren't going to follow through, so they put me through almost 8 months of hell with trying to find a way to support myself and find a place to live (to no avail) for more or less no reason. If anything, it really set me back in my treatment and recovery, because I was doing a bit better until they sprung that one on me. Believe me, if I had an alternative to continuing living at home, I would take it. I'm trying to take each day as it comes, but I just spoke to my mother tonight about my job issues and how I'm feeling, and at the end of it all, she basically said "Well, if you really can't see yourself able to work a steady job, I would push your doctors into getting you on a wait list for a group home, because you can't live here forever..." Which I understand is valid, my parents can't support me forever, they shouldn't have to, and eventually they won't be able to. But I've already tried the group home route, and from what my therapist is telling me, he can't even get me on a wait list, because all the ones in my area specialize in areas that don't apply to me. She knows this. I explored this route at length when I thought I was going to be homeless. And the tone of voice she took... It's hurtful that she still seems to think that I'm lazy and unmotivated, and that I could somehow ~will~ everything away if only I pushed myself harder, especially because she's on permanent disability due to Bipolar Schizoaffective. You would think she'd be a bit more understanding!
  10. Over the past year, I've worked for maybe a total of...11 and a half weeks or so, divided up into five jobs. Prior to my being in the working world (if you can even call my 11 weeks that) I struggled through school, eventually dropping out and getting my GED, and then attempting college only to not attend classes and drop out after 2 months.I can't take anything I perceive to be criticism, and while from a logical perspective I understand that if nobody tells me how I can improve or anything like that, I'm never going to get better. But even a gentle nudge and a small demonstration can leave me fighting back tears. My therapist and I have been exploring this for awhile now. I'm really at my wits end. I've tried different fields of work, different schedules, different amounts of hours... My longest job was 5 weeks, but it was only 15/hrs a week, so really not beneficiary on a financial end of things. I'm only 19 years old, and so obviously SSDI is out of the question. My therapist thinks applying for SSI would be a waste of time, because I have such little work history. I've been in and out of treatment for a decade now (mostly in), and I would think with my extensive school records and such that perhaps I would have a tiny shot if I had enough people on my side to support my case. I struggle with getting majorly depressed when I'm not working, I feel unproductive and like a failure. But when I am working I feel extremely anxious and stressed and it consumes my life until I shut down. I just can't seem to make progress on any part of my life- professional, mental, social... I feel really inadequate and immature. I know it's not good to make comparisons, but my friends all have plenty of stressors in their lives and manage to hold down steady jobs (and in some cases also go to school full-time) including those who have MIs. I'm tired of doing things that don't work. I need some other avenue. Does anyone have any similar experiences, and if so, how did/are you deal with it/ get through it? Any insight? I can't live at home forever (and I wouldn't want to!)
  11. I never really did get involved on the forums. I'd like to, I just have a lot of issues socializing, I guess. In the past year I've consistently seen my therapist every week. I've been on the same medications for almost a year now, despite my insistence (and the evidence) that they are just plain not helping me. I'm wanting to switch psychiatrists, not just due to medication issues, but because of his wacky suggestions, such as going to college (tried that prior to seeing him, dropped out after two months) or joining the military, and sees my frequent bouts of unemployment as a larger concern than any of my symptoms (the things causing these large bouts of unemployment). I've been struggling to stay employed - over the last year I've had five jobs. The first lasted three weeks before I quit to take on another job offer. That job lasted 9 days. I was then unemployed until the holidays, when I worked about `15/hrs a week for five weeks before getting sick and being let go at the end of the season. I was then unemployed until the end of May 2013. I stated a job and after two weeks of working, left to start working where I currently am. I have now worked two days there, and I just no-called no-showed today because I'm a wreck. Checked my voicemail, my boss seems to think I was confused about the schedule, so I guess there's a chance to redeem myself tomorrow if I can get it together and make it in. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. That didn't surprise anyone. I was glad to be out of the MD-NOS category though... I had some psychological testing done - the MMPI-2 and the MCMI-III and then this was reviewed and discussed with me by the psychologist that operates out of my therapist's office. I scored unbelievably high in many areas. He picked up on a lot of AvPD and BPD tendencies and forwarded his conclusions to my therapist and psychiatrist. Lots of depression, anxiety, anger and paranoia. Also according to the test/his conclusions I'm too much of an open-book, whatever that's supposed to mean. Interestingly he says the results showed I had a similar thought pattern to that of a psychopathic deviant (whatever that is) but doesn't think I am one, and that it seemed like I was extremely depressed when I took the test. I actually felt pretty good when I was doing it, so I suppose that's a little troubling. I had also asked him about my ability to work/hold a job. He said to me that if someone had given him these results and he wasn't aware of my age or intellect, he would say that, without a doubt, I would be unable to work. But due to my young age (19) and high intelligence (not that it ever helps me, with the issues I have) he wouldn't want to limit me. Sorry, I'm rambling.
  12. Yeah, he's the best I've had thus far. Nobody else wanted to try more than one medication, and they'd keep me on the same thing for years at a time. So that's encouraging. I'm hoping the Lexapro kicks in soon too, and helps tremendously with the anxiety and depression. Also keeping my fingers crossed it doesn't make me go manic or anything.
  13. As you can see by my signature, I'm on 20mg of Lexapro, 15mg of Abilify, and 150mg of Lamictal, as well as 100mcg of Levoxyl (Levothyroxine Sodium) for my hypothyroidism. I'm feeling rather... unmedicated. Sure, I don't feel like a drugged up mess, which is good. But I feel like my 'normal' self. Very anxious. Prone to bouts of depression. Easily upset. Still having thoughts of hurting myself...Fairly low ambition, mood swings... The only difference I've noticed is less anger and shorter swings. I know medication is only half of the solution, but right now I don't feel like it's cut my problems in half. My pdoc is still trying to find the right combination for me. Most recently he switched me from Celexa to Lexapro, starting me at 20mg (isn't that the highest dose, or close to it? Still waiting for that to kick in. I'm just feeling frustrated. I almost want to go back to being unmedicated and calling it a day. But I know that's no way to live. Just sick of taking pills and not noticing much improvement.
  14. I won't be going behind their back to get tattooed, that's for sure. They would be bound to discover it at some point or another, and I can't exactly afford to move out. It would just be nice if I could change their opinion. It's mostly my father. Yeah, I know I can't expect him to have stayed, but the only recommendations he made were the other two tdocs in the office that accept my insurance, saying they were both good therapists. I ended up choosing the one I could get an appointment with sooner, and I'll still will have gone a bit over a month without seeing one. Could be worse I suppose. I'm trying to cut them some slack, but they should know better. My mother has Schizoaffective (bipolar type). My dad's been hospitalized for depression and anxiety... They should know better. I'm genetically predisposed to have something "wrong" with me, and considering my history,it makes it all the more likely. Up until I turned 18 they were highly involved in my treatment. A big part of why they feel the way they do is because a Pdoc I saw for three years was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. (I have a friend who's her patient, and we're constantly exchanging stories of her ineptitude.) But in our area, there just simply isn't anything better for juveniles. She kept me on Prozac for three years. Even though there wasn't a single day it worked, and by the end at the highest dosage, I was becoming more and more impulsive. I don't really think bringing them to my tdoc or pdoc would be useful, until I've had more time to be diagnosed. I've only been seeing this pdoc for around five months, and haven't seen my new therapist yet. So maybe in time. Thank you for the suggestion though, I hadn't really thought to do that.
  15. As if trying to come to terms with my abusive childhood- both at home and in school- isn't enough... I've recently learned that for years during my treatment, my doctors and family have thought I was 'making it all up'. That I 'just needed to grow up'. I understand that some symptoms can be excused by immaturity, but their main argument was always "But you're so smart." My family and school didn't follow through on having my classified (despite recommendations from the school sanctioned psychologist) because I was 'so smart'. I was suppose to have an aide in school due to frequent temper outbursts - some of which were violent- brought on by severe harassment and bullying as well as feeling entirely uncomfortable in the classroom, but that never happened. A lot of things that were suppose to happen with school never did. My school system largely failed me, despite the huge amount of effort I put in. I dropped out last year and promptly got my GED. As recently as my first-ever hospitalization in December my parents were in a family-meeting saying how everything I do is for 'attention'. Every. Fiber. Of. My. Being. Honestly, I've heard and seen kids who do things for negative attention, and my situation goes far beyond that. My SI was discovered in 7th grade by a school counselor, who made me call my parents and tell them. I sat there crying in her office because of the immense fear my parents would hate me and punish me because of it. I don't think that was for attention. My crippling anxiety that usually has me staying at home in my bedroom by myself? Definitely for attention. My rapid mood swings that leave my life in shambles? Surely that's for attention. I'm sorry, but when something is literally ruining a person's life, I'm fairly certain that in 99% of cases they are NOT doing it for attention. It's only been the last six months - since I've legally become an adult- that it seems I'm being taken even remotely seriously by mental health professionals. I'm finally being given more than one (ineffective) medication at a time. I'm not being forced to stay on the same (ineffective) medication for years on end. My pdoc is willing to work with me. My therapist didn't seem to be brushing me off. And then what happens? My therapist decides to leave the office. And as much as I'm trying not to take it personally, I can't help but feel dumped and given up on. After a good 4-5months of seeing him. We were just getting started- just getting to the 'root' of my problems. And now I have to start all over again. See someone new and unfamiliar. Retell the same painful things. And hope we get along and connect alright. Because I don't know what I'll do if I don't mesh with this therapist. People suck. Life sucks. I don't know why I didn't just give up long ago. (Don't read me wrong, I'm not feeling suicidal, just frustrated.) What's also been bothering me... is that I've been looking forward to working so I could get tattooed with some of my money. However my dad is now saying he'll kick me out if I do get tattooed. Bear in mind, I've done a lot of self-expression - hair every color of the rainbow at some point or another- I have a few piercings.... But tattoos are deeper than that to me. They're both a reward for not self-harming in so long, and a preventative measure. I know that no matter how desperate I am, I won't scar up my beautiful expensive artwork. It's sort of like the butterfly technique (draw a butterfly on yourself, if you cut across it, you kill the butterfly) just a little more permanent, with a higher consequence. It seems silly I guess, but for me it tends to work. Maybe if I explain this to him he'll start to understand. Maybe it's not worth revealing so much of myself to a man like him. I don't know. Sorry, this is long and rambly, but I had to get it out. Any feedback?
  • Create New...