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About bxt227us

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    neuroscience, gardening, art, poetry, fireworks

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  1. Please come back


  2. Starting to think about quitting drinking again. Don't know if i will. I just feel that, with each passing year, alcohol is taking an ever greater toll on my body/mind/soul.


    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. confused


      Hi bxt. I was ambivalent for a long time. 

    3. bxt227us


      I've cut down and can safely stop now. It feel like it's shrinking my soul over the years.


    4. M@ri


      Glad you've tapered first. :)

  3. Hey. Hope your okay. Been a while.

  4. decreasing rexulti due to jacked up blood test results. Not happy.


  5. Are you okay Ang? You were doing not-great a few days ago.


  6. Sometimes I become enraged by my illness. If I were more depressed, I'd be indifferent. I feel i have a right to hate myself when my depression lifts enough to think/feel/speak. Sometimes, i become consumed by self-hatred and I'd rather slip back in to leaden depression.


    1. DopamineSick


      Holy shit bxt, that describes me exactly! I've never seen somebody else put it into words like that. When my depression is so severe that I can barely sit upright, I don't obsess so much about how shitty my life is because I'm so disabled that I know there's absolutely nothing I can do. 

      But when it gets to moderate-severe levels and I have a bit more energy, I start hating myself with a passion and ruminate about how worthless I am, and comparing myself to other people. Sometimes I also get angry at my condition.

  7. I'm doing not great. I'm struggling with rexulti and the soul-shrinking it causes. I don't have words to describe.

    1. amianthus


      Sounds rough. :( I hope that the soul-shrinking eases soon, or that your doc can take this into account & perhaps adjust to make things more bearable.

    2. KnickNak


      Ugh, I am sorry.. meds can be a rollercoaster.. hoping you feel better soon.

    3. DopamineSick


      What's your dose of Rexulti? I was on 1 mg and just stopped taking it this past week.

  8. "what you need to do is 'this'" .. "what you need to is 'that'"

    What people who think they have the right to tell me what to do should spends 30 years suicidal. (I'm bitching about family members, not folks here.)


  9. My soul exists the way it does due to medication. My soul exists the way it does due to mental illness. My soul exists between the two.

  10. I feel that my intellect is less than 25% of what it used to be. I am no longer competent at Anything. I can no longer do the simplest things. I feel like there is less of me.. ..like I'm dying in slow motion. No, I don't think it's the meds; I think it's the illness. What a curse, huh?


    1. uhwt


      at least you know your intellect will come back... 

  11. Don't worry. I'll be fine.


  12. I'm not doing well these days. I'm considering I.P. I just.. ...my motivation to live or even try to is at low. It's really.. ..I stopped caring about caring and 'trying' just prolongs more of the same. When is it okay to say that living doesn't make sense? I've spent the vast majority of my 46 years in Hell and resenting my own conception. When do *I* get to say *enough* already. The fact of the matter is that I don't want live.

    1. HAL9000


      I'm sorry to hear that its this bad.  Maybe this is a good time to ponder if med changes or something the doc can suggest would turn this around or at least get you to the non hell stuff?  Anyway for what its worth a lot of don't want you to die.

    2. hamster


      take care bxt

  13. I'm listening to this (skip to 36:36)


  14. A Classic "Dan moment" yesterday: I drove to a job fair with copies of my resume on the top of my car. Of course they were on the street and got rained on (serious) fml.


    1. M@ri
    2. hamster


      at least you didn't leave your wallet or phone on the roof too

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