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About bubblegirl

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  1. oxcarbazepine (trileptal) has worked to keep my mania down, although I still have mixed episodes; and I'm not so sure that it doesn't make my depression worse. i was on lamictal for about a year and had cognitive and psychotic issues with it, however I have read many positive comments about lamictal on this and other sites.
  2. on oxcarbazepine since 2/2011. have fewer manic or hypomanic episodes but still get mixed episodes and rapid cycling. it does nothing for and possibly worsens, my depression. i just had 6 ECT and am waiting to go back on the oxcarbazepine - why I do not know. i am guessing it is to see if the ECT "worked". in the meantime my SI is slithering back in and my anxiety is as well, and I am having to take more and more xanax to get to sleep. I am ready to give up at this point. Nothing is working and it seems my pdoc is happy as long as I am taking the pills he prescribes. My life is completely empty. I have no contact with people at all, other than my doc appts. My three job attempts in the last year were all failures. My mind is not functioning, i can't even focus on a tv show. i cannot find a reason to stay alive.
  3. Due to instant manic responses to the ADs and the reputation for ADs to lose effectiveness after several months and the liklihood of the kindling effect my pdoc says they are not a good idea for my BP1 flavor. I think that since trileptal (oxcarbazepine) kept the mania at bay he stuck with that. The frequent breakthrough mixed episodes and constant SI depression continue to be problematic. We have talked about invega and risperdol, both of which are AAPs. I am sick of the sickness brought on by AAPs. I will not go on another AAP unless by force. I will not choose to do it willingly. Stick a fork in me, I am done.
  4. I take lithium. I am not sure why my doc hasn't suggested depakote, other than the propensity it has for causing massive weight gain. I was down to a reasonable weight until I started on zyprexa, then started gaining - even while taking topamax. After a 20lb gain, he took me off of zyprexa and tried/failed abilify and latuda. Next came Saphris - what a nightmare - with continued weight gain, albeit more slowly. My depression got worse and I lost what cognitive ability I had left after the other AAPs including zyprexa. Saphris was the last AP I was on and have no intention of taking any other one in this lifetime. edit - I know depakote is an AC
  5. I've been rapid cycling with mixed episodes and an occasional manic episode splattered through suicidal depression for about 3 years. I've been hospitalized 6 times. We've tried stimulants, ADs, AAPs, ACs, the light box, and now I've had 6 hits of RUL ECT. At this point I am just trying to remember what happens from hour to hour during the day. My mind is basically blank. There is nothing there. When I am around people I have low cognitive function with scrambled thoughts most of the time. Thoughts enter my mind fleetingly and are gone just as fast. Any memory of anything before the most recent one to two hours requires some specific prompting, and then there is no gaurantee of recollection. I still have waves of suicidal ideation, although it is not constant like before the ECT. I still have no desire to be alive and see no purpose for me to be alive at all. The anxiety is coming back. I have to take xanax to be able to sleep at night. My SocSecDisability is increasing by 1.7% on Jan 1. My health insurance premium is increasing 10%, my doctor copays by 25%, the prescription copays are going up, and my rent is increasing by 8%. Food is not getting cheaper. I have had three jobs in the last year, all of which have been failures. I can only work a small amount of hours for a low wage due to restrictions of disability income. I can't even get a call back from Macdonalds or Wendys. I have sewn more than fifty scarves and put them up for sale online. I can only make more scarves when I sell the ones I have. The bottom line there is that I can't earn enough money to live. I have been volunteering at the same place for two years and it has gotten to the point that they struggle to find things for me to do, so I don't even go there anymore. I have no friends. I call people but no one calls me. My family has no interest in contacting me, well they don't contact me so I am presuming it is because they have no interest. I can't think of any good reason to exist. I'm not going to the hospital. They will just make me take more antipsychotics and anticonvulsants that don't work. I will just be turned back into a zombie, worse than right now. I have been screaming for help for three years and there doesn't seem to be any. I need to know there is something that will help me, because I am tired of living like this and don't see my life lasting much longer as it is going right now. I am not making a threat. I am just telling you what I see happening. My life is getting emptier instead of fuller. I have done everything my former tdoc told me to do and none of it worked. It is really easy for these people to tell me to get a job and make friends and find something to do with my time. I have done everything I know how to do that doesn't cost money. I am running out of options. My mind does not work. I can't even stay focused on watching a tv program. I can't focus on reading for more than a couple of paragraphs. Sitting and staring off into space makes my mind get scrambled and anxious. I am running out of options. I know that what I want is relief from this madness, but it doesn't seem to be possible. So the only other option I see is to just leave.
  6. thanks for sharing. my ride has been a bit more horrific than her description. i am still waiting for the right combination of medications. and in the meantime my mind seems to be continuing to deteriorate regardless of what I try.
  7. There are other drugs besides seroquel you can try. I couldn't tolerate it either. Talk to your psychiatrist about other options.
  8. I don't think there is one particular ideal job for people who are diagnosed bipolar, any more than there is an ideal job for every person who has any other specific personality trait. Bipolar is part of who you are, not all of who you are. There are many people who are bipolar who have full time professional positions and just as many who are disabled to the point of not being able to work at all. If you are able to work and want to, then you have half the battle won. Finding a job is not going to be easy. You will just have to determine what your skills are and where they can be applied. You will have to decide what it is that you want to do and then go after it.
  9. I can tell a difference in my mood. It has been lighter since late yesterday afternoon. My suicidal ideation just comes in waves now instead of being a constant thrust. I am not sure of the source. I cannot tell if it is from not taking oxcarbazepine or recovering from ECT. My short term memory is still shot. I can't remember what happened two hours ago, much less yesterday. I have to search for reasons to want to stay alive. There really are none. Sticking around just so I can say I am here for my kids is getting weak. They have no need for me. They are fulI grown adults with fulfilled lives. I basically just take up space. There is no meaning to my existence.
  10. My mind is pretty blank for the three weeks during which I had ECT. When I say "pretty blank" I mean there is nothing there except for blips of pain from the anesthesia and some recollection of sitting on a bed waking up in recovery. Now I have little to no motivation to do anything. I can't sleep without taking xanax. I feel like my life is a big empty space. I am a void.
  11. It sounds to me that you have a pretty good approach to this. Just be honest with your doctor, and up front about how you are feeling. Discuss all of the past experiences and how you see them influencing the present. You know how your body responds to medications better than anyone else. Keep in mind that all of these neuroleptics we take are pretty powerful and that any of them would need a thoughtful approach.
  12. How long have you been on risperdal? Apparently one can tell it is working in 5-7days - from what I read on CrazyMeds. So is it working for you?
  13. WELL. I am definitely NOT a doctor. So diagnosing your mood is out of my area of expertise. You seem to have described either hypomania or mania. I can't say for sure. I would definitely update your pdoc with your information.
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