Unstrung Harp

I did recently for about eight months but eventually went off the Depakote because I gained 40 pounds in six months. At the peak I was on 750mg Depakote and 150mg Lamotrigine. We added in Vraylar after two months or so because the Lamictal did not seem to bring my depression under control, but I had been in a bad depressive episode. Full blown mania with psychosis is not an issue for me.

We will be staying home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as much as I don't want to. We considered going to my niece's house, where it would have been her, my sister, my other niece and her boyfriend. The boyfriend works in a grocery store and my kids are in school part time, so I wasn't comfortable with the risk on either end, particularly with my sister being in a higher risk group than I am. We have discussed just the four of us going to my niece's house in mid-December for some kind of celebration, but it will depend on how things are going. I don't think you're wrong to not want to go to husband's family for the holidays, particularly if they're not taking it seriously and you're in a state with a lot of cases. I found this visualization tool on a Facebook page I follow about the pandemic. The page is run by scientists. The statistics are pretty alarming in some places if you look at US by county. https://covid19risk.biosci.gatech.edu/?fbclid=IwAR0eMQwia_O6843NaJ4UkjHS6_7IztLECxHSOyAXbVPZzsq47_8o-EB6RZQ For instance, as of this week, your odds of someone at a 15 person gathering in Waukesha County, Wisconsin having Covid are 58%, according to the table. Where I am it's about 22% according to the table. As for the meds, ask your pdoc this question. I was concerned about taking Benzos if I had a panic attack while having Covid chest congestion, and he told me that it was safe, so maybe Pdoc can assuage some of your fears or otherwise tell you what to be careful of.

It looks like we did this thing.

yes please.

The fact that’s even a question right now and that so many Americans voted for four more years of this bullshit is incredibly disheartening.

I am taking about 3mg of Ativan daily right now, which is a larger amount of benzo than I have historically taken daily, and I have only rarely dosed with a benzo regularly. But that's a big part of what's getting me through right now. Good to know you didn't have trouble returning to your regular dose after the infection.

It’s good that you’re going to bring this up with tdoc, echo. I hope they can help you work through it. I would encourage you not to be hard on yourself though, and to try to reframe your thoughts that you’re “behaving badly.” Self injury is a coping mechanism, albeit not one that’s useful or healthy in the longterm. You’ve clearly got some things going on and are having some trouble regulating how you act on your emotions. But I don’t think you’re behaving badly. Beating yourself up about it is unlikely to help, and you don’t deserve it.

I brought it up with my Pdoc, who sent me to a psychologist for a few hours of neuropsychological testing. I wasn't given historical questionnaires for anyone. In the end the psychologist found I did have some deficits, but attributed them to anxiety. I discussed my disagreement with this with Pdoc, who is a good listener and pretty collaborative about my care, and he went ahead and prescribed me adderall anyway, which helped for a few years (though it did initially make me hypomanic and got me the bipolar diagnosis and an AAP). What I really wish for are the kinds of services I imagine I would have gotten as a diagnosed kid that would teach me strategies for working around the ADHD. So frustrating.

We miss you. Sorry you got whammied by this. I hope it all passes soon.

Feeling of impending doom-level anxiety.

I definitely think living with depression or other serious MI is traumatic, especially if you've experienced thoughts or actions of self harm, or hospitalizations. I can separate who I am from my MI, in that I know that I am more than my MI, but I have a hard time separating my history and things that I have struggled with in the past or continue to struggle with from myself, because here I am living with all of those entrenched bad feelings and their consequences for years of my life. There's also the trauma even when relatively healthy of wondering when will it come back, will I be able to fight it off this time, etc. When I'm feeling my best I can internalize the idea that I have survived these things, and therefore I am strong, but it's difficult to hold onto that idea when symptomatic and I feel like contemptible mush.

Not my pupper, but still adorable. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrAm5YVvXx8&fbclid=IwAR0P3zOQnpIKIFfZFL1K0Hkh4RJ8WaJGqHR_T--rVrdv80vopcUGs5D0Yds

Middle of the night panic attack

I can definitely relate to what you’re saying, and though it gets worse when I’m depressed I think for me it is largely a symptom of social anxiety disorder. It happens to me even when I am not especially depressed. I go out and end up questioning everything I’ve said and whether the people I was with really dislike me, beating myself up, etc. When I’m depressed, though, it can be especially brutal self talk like you mention. I’m sorry you’re going through that. You mention an anxiety disorder, but has social anxiety in particular come up as a possibility?