Unstrung Harp

it's hot out there.

Thank you for your perspectives @echolocation and @Rabbit37. Because I never thankfully got caught up in the feedback loop of acting on the urges, mostly beyond some minor scratching myself up, it has never brought me relief in any way, so the idea that if I did it it would bring relief is only an abstraction for me. So it's more about just tolerating the discomfort of the urges for me. And sometimes the visualizing of what I want to do feels kind of violent itself, like I'm graphically visualizing myself doing it, and that feels painful on its own, if that makes sense. Mostly, it's just intrusive thoughts that come and go at will, and probably serve as some kind of barometer of how I'm doing emotionally. I still blame the Paxil.

Are they always there, like a fly buzzing around that you can brush off, or do they go away when you’re well? What emotion brings them up? For me it’s a lot of things - anger, stress, anxiety, emotional pain. Can you always tell the difference between SI urges and more suicidal self-destructive urges? They used to be clearly different for me, but that all got a bit confused in my head when I had the episode that landed me in the hospital, so now I’m not always sure. I almost never act on mine, I think because they didn’t hit me til I was 30 (thanks Paxil). I think it might have been different if they came when I was 16, and I would have got involved in the whole behavioral feedback loop. As it is, they’re mostly upsetting, stressful thoughts for me, that are either in the foreground or the background depending on how I’m feeling.

Waiting to see what moods the day brings on. Slightly amped up and irritable are trending.

Flat out horizontal. Trying to muster the energy to go to Pdoc’s office to pick up Adderall prescription and have it filled. I have done nothing today except strength training, where I got overheated and then teared up when strength training coach asked me how I was and why I was sad. I told her I’m transitioning meds. I have eaten potato chips and two cookies today. Highly functional person for the win.

I think your feelings are valid either way, but I think I know what you mean. Maybe stop to consider, really honestly, how that person is treating you? Are they trying to get close to you really quickly (maybe that feels good to you, but it isn't always the healthiest thing)? Are they kind to you (and to other people around them)? Are they seeming to hold you at arms length or send mixed messages, so that you don't know where you stand with them? I know that may seem contradictory with the are they trying to get close to you quickly question, but I think there's a happy medium of getting to know someone with whom you have an easy rapport, who isn't playing around with you but also isn't coming on too strong and ignoring healthy boundaries. If someone important to you were involved with this person, what would you tell them? Would any alarm bells be going off for you at how they're treating your loved one or how fast things are moving? Sometimes it's important to take a step back and make an effort to think about things objectively, as hard as that is to do.

I think strawberry season might be over. Piss on some squash.

☹️

Very much this. Especially if you have a coffee addiction and need to drink it with milk. In one of the two I've had done (family history) I went in with a migraine so bad from the prep and lack of coffee or food that we had to sit in a dark office during the pre-procedure consult. Luckily I mentioned it to the anesthesiologist because I was too nauseated to lie back on the table, and he worked some magic and took out my migraine in ten seconds.

I enjoyed this immensely. Thank you.

When you’re having such a shitty day that watching The Exorcist seems like a pleasant change of pace.

Barometric pressure migraine, obsessive thoughts that won't leave me alone and are sinking me into a depression, SI impulses, feeling destabilized on current med combination, don't know if I will make it three weeks without seeing Pdoc/Tdoc, 10 of which I will be out of the country and with my fucking in-laws, who sometimes drive me crazy. I need some relief from something and don't know how to get it because I'm trapped in my (aching, crazy) head. Oh, and I'm trying to submit two chapters of dissertation before I leave on the 23rd, so there's that to look forward to. I ruined the positivity.

Luckily we just got a storm, 9 degrees cooler, but still hot. But I was starting to get a barometric pressure headache.

Really hot and humid. No AC downstairs yet 🙁