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  1. Been awhile since I've been hear. Stable unstable. Psych team almost dragged me to the hospital Still feel like they're are probes in my brain Psych team comes everyday in case I get worse Started B-12 injections 2x/week to assist in weight loss Oh and the spending habits have been terrible! I can't stop buying makeup! I quit my job cause I thought i had another one lined up...that fell through I've been applying everywhere and so far I'm getting and interviewing but I'm getting unfulfilled promises. Trying convince dr that I need Ativan. It really calms me down when I'm a mess. In a nutshell: i want to die but sometimes I wanna live
  2. Talked to my therapist today over coffee (that she buys for me) and I was discussing that my dreams are my reality and my reality are my dreams...I can't quite put it into words I suppose. It was a nice talk over all. She wants me to take a break from work so I could put myself together. I can't take a 'break'...they would never approve. Management is aware that I have a notable disability but I don't want to get to that stage. She was also happy to hear that I'm relatively consistent with going to the gym. I told her that's my reality check. **************TW************** Been having dreams of being raped an sexually assaulted. IRL this happened when I was 13 (sexual assault) and again when I was 19 (rape). My therapist says it's possible to remember unwanted memories...I'm 27 now...but I really don't need this in my life right now. I also told her I've have thoughts of cutting. I have thoughts of going to the hardware store and buying a pocket knife. But even though it's almost winter I wear short sleeves to the gym...so that's my motivation to not cut myself.
  3. I fear that people are taking pictures of my license plate and will say that I did something to them. Last night I was having bad visuals...rats...people surrounding me giving me the look of death. I haven't told anyone cause I'm afraid they won't let me drive. And I keep thinking they're going to fire me from work even though I do the stuff they ask. Then I ask them over and over if it is right. Things need to be right. They have to be right. TW Now in a few I'm going out for drinking. Even though I take 13 pills/day it won't stop me. Am I just slowly dying? Idk. Maybe. Some of me is still in tact.
  4. I work a boring retail job...I can't work more then 25hrs so I'm not completely consumed. I freak out on register...it's really bad...I don't like dealing with money...esp counting cause my mind wonders when I do so. The only good thing is that I get an employee discount Sigh
  5. Not sure how I feel. Anxiety is high. Having the beginnings of a panic attack at work...afraid to work with money. I think the Straterra might be working...at least a little bit Talked to pdoc who wants to talk to my GP to see if the Synthroid is causing the anxiety My GP knows I have been stressed/anxious cause I'm having chest pains and ordered and EKG that came out fine. Pdoc said he'll adjust meds...haven't heard from him yet. Sigh...I'm so close yet so far.
  6. Had a good birthday. Had a strange feeling but I tried not to let it get in the way.

    1. Wonderful.Cheese


      Happy birthday!!! I'm glad it was good despite the strange feeling. 

    2. jt07


      Happy belated Birthday! 

  7. I'm currently employed and on SSDI. I could make up to 1049/month according to my therapist. I often feel guilty about collecting SSDI but I'm trying to get on my feet.
  8. Haven't been around in a while Things have been well. Upped my Adderall so that really helps I have to take an entrance exam on the 30th. I'm scared shitless. The exam is four(!) hours. Been studying but now that my Adderall was upped things are getting better. Currently getting tutored in math because I suck at it. Still taking piano lessons and loving it. And if all goes well after the GP tomorrow I'm going to pierce my lip. I don't think the family will be pleased with it but I guess it's something I'll have to prepare for Hope all is well with everyone here I am still hallucinating but I'm trying to make that a part of my life and not let it bring me down
  9. They never showed...I'm definitely bitching them out when I see them next...which is supposed to be tomorrow I've done PHP a load of times. They never fucked with my meds because they let it me have a private pdoc so the program couldn't mess with mine. The good thing about PHP is it gets you out of the house. I'm sure there is more to it but they never worked out for me hence I was put into this outreach crap.
  10. Gah stupid counselor hasn't showed up yet...been waiting all afternoon. I have dinner plans so if they come while I'm out then fuck 'em Pissing me off.
  11. See new pdoc Tuesday...he actually comes to my house...kinda weird Staff from the new program have been coming. They have to come in and check on me everyday for the next 28 days...ugh. The program (at potential school) received my documents and now I have to have a background check for $70(!) So then hopefully I'll be invited to take the entrance exam. I have to start studying to. My concentration has been shit lately, the adderall helps a little but I'm struggling. I need to have my shit together if I want to do this as my next career move. I opened up the review book and so far nothing crazy. Yet. Gah.
  12. I have to stop spending. It's really bad...just spent $92 on makeup...gah...but I wanted it...i had to have it. Still hallucinating but stable. Should be starting PACT this coming week...found out the delay was that I have to drop my current therapist...which sucks but they say change is good. So...that's it I guess. Must not buy anything.
  13. I believe that I found the right combo of meds! I'm still hallucinating but everything else is going well.
  14. Said good-bye to pdoc today. He was pleased that I was moving on into a good program. He said I needed more than one person to work with. Feel much better. He just upped the adderral and that was that. Highly disproved by the idea of me dying my hair pink and purple. Claims it will affect my "natural beauty" LOL
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