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Posts posted by dancingteapot

  1. Been awhile since I've been hear.

    Stable unstable.

    Psych team almost dragged me to the hospital

    Still feel like they're are probes in my brain

    Psych team comes everyday in case I get worse

    Started B-12 injections 2x/week to assist in weight loss

    Oh and the spending habits have been terrible! I can't stop buying makeup!

    I quit my job cause I thought i had another one lined up...that fell through

    I've been applying everywhere and so far I'm getting and interviewing but I'm getting unfulfilled promises.

    Trying convince dr that I need Ativan. It really calms me down when I'm a mess.

    In a nutshell: i want to die but sometimes I wanna live

  2. Talked to my therapist today over coffee (that she buys for me) and I was discussing that my dreams are my reality and my reality are my dreams...I can't quite put it into words I suppose.

    It was a nice talk over all. She wants me to take a break from work so I could put myself together. I can't take a 'break'...they would never approve. Management is aware that I have a notable disability but I don't want to get to that stage.

    She was also happy to hear that I'm relatively consistent with going to the gym. I told her that's my reality check.


    Been having dreams of being raped an sexually assaulted. IRL this happened when I was 13 (sexual assault) and again when I was 19 (rape). My therapist says it's possible to remember unwanted memories...I'm 27 now...but I really don't need this in my life right now.

    I also told her I've have thoughts of cutting. I have thoughts of going to the hardware store and buying a pocket knife. But even though it's almost winter I wear short sleeves to the gym...so that's my motivation to not cut myself.

  3. I fear that people are taking pictures of my license plate and will say that I did something to them.
    Last night I was having bad visuals...rats...people surrounding me giving me the look of death.

    I haven't told anyone cause I'm afraid they won't let me drive.

    And I keep thinking they're going to fire me from work even though I do the stuff they ask. Then I ask them over and over if it is right.

    Things need to be right. They have to be right.


    Now in a few I'm going out for drinking. Even though I take 13 pills/day it won't stop me.

    Am I just slowly dying?

    Idk. Maybe. Some of me is still in tact.

  4. Not sure how I feel.

    Anxiety is high. Having the beginnings of a panic attack at work...afraid to work with money.

    I think the Straterra might be working...at least a little bit

    Talked to pdoc who wants to talk to my GP to see if the Synthroid is causing the anxiety

    My GP knows I have been stressed/anxious cause I'm having chest pains and ordered and EKG that came out fine.

    Pdoc said he'll adjust meds...haven't heard from him yet.

    Sigh...I'm so close yet so far.

  5. Haven't been around in a while

    Things have been well.

    Upped my Adderall so that really helps

    I have to take an entrance exam on the 30th. I'm scared shitless. The exam is four(!) hours. Been studying but now that my Adderall was upped things are getting better.

    Currently getting tutored in math because I suck at it.

    Still taking piano lessons and loving it.

    And if all goes well after the GP tomorrow I'm going to pierce my lip.

    I don't think the family will be pleased with it but I guess it's something I'll have to prepare for

    Hope all is well with everyone here

    I am still hallucinating but I'm trying to make that a part of my life and not let it bring me down

  6. On 2/14/2016 at 4:15 PM, Schizophrenic_Sanity said:

    i'm sorry that fucking sucks... i hate that whole "hurry up and wait" rhetoric.  

    They never showed...I'm definitely bitching them out when I see them next...which is supposed to be tomorrow

    On 2/14/2016 at 4:56 PM, Wonderful.Cheese said:

    I'm sorry that sucks. This has happened to me countless times with my team. 

    I don't know if I should try the PHP thing again or not. I've done it before. I don't want med changes or anything. Idk. 

    I've done PHP a load of times. They never fucked with my meds because they let it me have a private pdoc so the program couldn't mess with mine. The good thing about PHP is it gets you out of the house. I'm sure there is more to it but they never worked out for me hence I was put into this outreach crap.

  7. See new pdoc Tuesday...he actually comes to my house...kinda weird

    Staff from the new program have been coming. They have to come in and check on me everyday for the next 28 days...ugh.

    The program (at potential school) received my documents and now I have to have a background check for $70(!)

    So then hopefully I'll be invited to take the entrance exam. I have to start studying to.

    My concentration has been shit lately, the adderall helps a little but I'm struggling. I need to have my shit together if I want to do this as my next career move.

    I opened up the review book and so far nothing crazy. Yet. Gah.

  8. I have to stop spending. It's really bad...just spent $92 on makeup...gah...but I wanted it...i had to have it.

    Still hallucinating but stable.

    Should be starting PACT this coming week...found out the delay was that I have to drop my current therapist...which sucks but they say change is good.

    So...that's it I guess. Must not buy anything.

  9. I go through sudden impulsive behaviors.

    Most recent: makeup...spent about $100 on products

    Mentioned it today in group and right away facilitator was like "omgz hypo/mania gahh"

    I do also want to dye my hair part pink part purple.

    that will cost me $100

    I'm officially in PACT...they'll be coming over Monday

    Tomorrow I have to tell my pdoc good bye

    Idk things just happen and so far I've been ok with it

  10. Not sure if this is the lowest per se but I called it beginning my "fall from grace"


    I was driving going into work approximately 6:15AM and idk what happened I crashed my car into the person in front of me. The guy had little damage but I totalled my car. I don't remember this part but it was in the police report that I was running in the middle of the road trying to get someone to hit me andI was banging my head against the asphalt. My stepfather (who is a cop but in a different town) told the EMT guys to take me away. From there it's a bit of a blue I remember them trying to restrain me and the guy said "I'll break your fucking hand" and I was being attacked with the needle (nothing new there).

    Then I was transported to another hospital and was there for a few weeks. From there I was transported (in 4 point restraints...idk why...but I remember that) to a state hospital. I spent 2-3 months there.

    I have been hospitalized multiple times since this incident but that one I think was the worse of them all.

    I haven't driven since...maybe 2 or 3 times?

    Sigh. I'll admit that I'm looking forward for better days to come...hoping that it will stay that way.

  11. Had a lovely piano practice...although it was on a keyboard and not an actual piano...ugh i would love to have won but i have no where to put it.


    Haven't heard back from PACT so I'm still under my pdoc...the program might not start til Feb possibly with all the meetings and such.

    Tomorrow is the anniversary of my friend's death...she died of cystic fibrosis...she was only 22

    So I'm sleeping over my best friend's house tonight because she was very close to her and I know it'll be hard. I'm kinds dreading the tears and such especially because my mood is pretty stable.

    Life goes on. (I guess)

  12. I'm really upset.

    PACT worker came over to discuss the program. The program seems awesome but there is a catch: I have to give up my current pdoc which is devastating to me. I'd also lose my case manager.

    I was trying to hold back the tears. The worker said she'll talk to the director and see if I can keep my pdoc.

    I'm wishing/praying/keeping my fingers crossed that I could keep him

    My family says I'm stupid if I give up this new program because I can't have my current pdoc.

    Ugh...I have no more words to how I feel.

    Edit: I can't keep my current pdoc. I'm hoping and praying that he will be decent. I'm going to miss my former one...I've been crying all afternoon. I'm trying to tell myself that I could always leave the program and go back to him. He was the one who agreed with my case manager to give it a go...so maybe he has some idea? Idk but I'm somehow going to have to get over it.

  13. Had a good pdoc session. He was impressed with my progress with the lithium.

    I told him about my lack of focus/concentration/motivation...so he prescribed Adderall XR

    He was like "you are on a lot of medication" and I laughed and said "I know"

    When I told him about me feeling better he said "yeah...you gave most of us a run for our money" and we laughed

    Now I go back in 3 weeks.

    Tomorrow those people are coming over to evaluate me. Idk how that will go.

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