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Everything posted by dancingteapot

  1. Thanks Cheese for the valuable advice Currently for me everything is private (pdoc and therapist) because I have private insurance My case worker isn't but she's pretty amazing I hope the people in the program are not the way you describe, but thanks again for the warning of what it could turn out to be
  2. I've been secretly crying the last few days. Overall, I am doing better and I think the lithium is responsible for that But I just been thinking of were my life is going...I can't be on disability forever I want to be happy and enjoy life for what it is On Wednesday I'm being evaluated for a program called PACT (my case manager sent in the referral) and it's apparently meant for the severely ill who have been in multiple outpatient groups that were not successful and have been hospitalized many times and at least one of them has to be involuntary (check). It really hits me to the core that I'm considered severely mentally ill. Anywho, the program is supposed to acclimate you into society and keep you from being hospitalized. And they come to your house...that's were the meeting will be and my case worker will also be there. For some reason my stomach is turning over this. I'm glad that I'll be seeing my therapist on Monday so we can talk about it And I'll also be seeing pdoc on Tuesday (he already told my case worker that he is on board with PACT) Hope all is well for everyone I'm off to color now...
  3. 5 years ago I graduated college with a bachelor of science in biology. I had so many hopes and dreams. I was working two jobs (Home Depot and in a lab for IVF)...it was the start of my decline and I lost everything. Now...I'm unemployed. Trying to go back to school for diagnostic medical sonography but idk how I'm going to afford it. I feel lost. I'm watching everyone around me on their way to success. I've been crying because of everything that's happened to me in my life. In the future I hope for stability and whatever the fuck is wrong with me to be controlled. Be less jealous of people. I'm sure there's more but right now I'm crying just thinking about everything
  4. I started Lithium last week...I've been on it in the past This time my pdoc claims he's going to be "aggressive" and put me on 1350mg to start I know it's kinda soon to tell but my mood is improving.
  5. Had a very life-like dream of me talking to Jesus (physically not in prayer) and it was just bizarre As for me I'm doing much better...except with concentration and focus issues...I see pdoc next week so we'll see what happens. I usually do well on stims but for some reason they take them away and they claim it's the cause of my psychotic breaks... I think being on 2 AAPs 1 mood stabilizer anti-anxiety and an AD shouldn't let things happen Idk I'm just hypothesizing I'll see what my therapist thinks tonight
  6. I was prescribed vyvanse once and it didn't do anything Then I was put on Adderall and it was like a whole new world Sadly, they took me off because of the risk of mania...pfft I'm going to go and try to get on some stimulant though because my concentration and focus sucks
  7. I've been on Rexulti for hmmm....~2 months or so I don't think it's causing weight gain Actually idk what it does for me cause I'm also on a second AAP But I don't have any side effects or anything I'd say give it a go
  8. Had pdoc app today He added Lithium to my cocktail (1450mg) Now I have to go get bloodwork. I already do enough bloodwork for the clozaril. Meh. He wants to see me again in 2 weeks. He's really breaking the bank (insurance does give back most) but that's besides the point. He said that I'm treatment resistant and he knows I'm trying. He brought up ECT again. I said no because the last cycle was a failure. Idk maybe in the future I will
  9. Currently reading "Gut" by Giulia Enders it's about your intestines and the importance of the GI tract relative to the human body. They also discuss the microbes that live in our bodies...really interesting stuff.
  10. Yes I slept...had one interruption but no problem Still racy and unable to concentrate called pdoc and he upped my clozapine to 300mg/day and klonopin 4x/day And the interview went well...i'll be starting program tomorrow
  11. therapist says i'm hypomanic i can't concentrate i turned down a job i have an interview for a day program tomorrow morining my mind is racing dunno if i should call pdoc but i won't be able to see him because i'm going to a seminar thing for sonography i've been listening to music full blast for over 3 hrs been buying stuff like crazy off the internet. ah shit...took extra ativan to try and calm down there's creatures living inside me and they tell me what to do gahh i need to go to sleep
  12. Thanks Melissa. I heard from the pharmacy manager and I was disqualified from the job bc i said I couldn't work nights...I actually can work nights but my brain wasn't thinking straight when I did the application. Had pdoc today...said he's concerned about me. Had a private talk w. my grandmother...told her that I'm severely psychotic, have multiple personality disorders, and an attention disorder. I have to see him again in two weeks. Sigh.
  13. Came home from therapist. Not feeling to good. Had a minor anxiety attack there. She said I really need to find a program that will keep me going. She also suggested the respite house but I don't wanna go because it's so close to the holidays. She also recommended a group home. I can't imagine living like that. And she told me I need to be completely honest w pdoc whom I will be seeing tomorrow. Blah. I have people living inside me and they're controlling everything I feel useless I told her that I was bordering on suicidal thinking and she just told me to tell pdoc. Gah I better not end up IP cause I'll really lose my shit.
  14. I applied to be a pharmacy technician. There was math on the application. I hope I got it right. I have to call the manager in two days to see. My case worker is referring me to a treatment team that comes to your house and works with you personally. It's an entire team and she is sure that I qualify for it. I hope I do...it's for people who day programs fail and have multiple involuntary and voluntary hospitalizations. Hopefully I get approved.
  15. I believe it has been ten times. I actually just got released yesterday. My first time time I was twenty. I'm 26 now.
  16. bipolar I schizoaffective bipolar type...then depressive type Now paranoid schizophrenia all i know is that I take too many pills for this crap.
  17. I've been on Clozapine for awhile now. I have to have regular blood monitoring, which is annoying. But I think it's doing the job...and looks like I won't be getting off of it anytime soon.
  18. Got released from the hospital today. More meds. On the discharge paper they classify me as "paranoid schizophrenic" Idk if i'm still schizoaffective bp type...cause that was mentioned in my history. Sigh...I really don't care I just want to get better and see the world as beautiful.
  19. Idk whether or not to go IP after my ECT is done. I wanna talk to my doctor but I kinda know he'll tell me to stay. I left a message w my therapist asking her to call me to discuss the matter. I've been breaking down trying to hold back the tears. I've been a huge bitch also. Last night I nearly slit my throat cause I got so angry. I literally was going to grab that knife but my grandfather was in the way. I don't wanna be IP...but my family and people from my program are telling me I should. Fuck. Fuck this. Edit: Going IP tomorrow. Therapist will call pdoc and let him know. This sucks but I don't think I have much of a choice.
  20. Buried the ashes of my step-grandma. I can't believe she is gone... The priest said that we should be unstoppable. And my stepfather told me that after that I have to be unstoppable. I told him I try but things are out of my control. I always feel pressure and that I'm a failure for having these issues. Pdoc today...I'm sure he'll have a lot to say because he got several phone calls about me last week. Idk what he'll do...I have ECT Thursday so he'll probably just hope that will help me. I'm kinda in an episode and I'm trying to get out. Damn it is fucking hard.
  21. My step-grandmother passed away this morning. I still decided to go to program and my symptoms were getting worse. The director wanted me to go to the hospital and I said absolutely not...she said she'd call crisis...I refused. Agreed to a "safety plan" and that was good enough for her. I still feel like something is growing inside of me and I want to take it out.
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