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About Teacup

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    I'm too damn busy trying to stay alive

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  1. How’s it going, Teacup? Check in when you can, hon.

  2. Update: Dcfs didn’t help and they closed my case saying no proof of abuse. What a slap in the face to me. Tdoc was so pissed. This past 2 weeks I feel I have found a deeper sense of strength. For the 1st time the police are helping me. New chief, almost all new cops. Chief was pissed how my case has been handled in the past. I still have no idea where I’m going to stay but oddly, that doesn’t matter as much anymore. I’m ready and focused on ending the relationship and very soon.
  3. My tdoc and I recently made a phone call together to report physical abuse of my son by my husband. We called DCFS and now a caseworker has already interviewed myself and kiddos and is going to talk to hubby next week. She says she will insist on counseling for my son and husband. Thank goodness he believes that a neighbor called because he was very angry with me at first until I and the social worker convinced him otherwise. At least I feel like he will control himself now that he is being watched. So things will be more peaceful for the time being. But I am scared how he will react during his interview with the caseworker. He is not going to like being told he has to do anything.
  4. Yes! I mostly feel it when Husband does something hurtful to me directly, or when I’m feeling left out of a group, (whether it’s from my shyness or not), when I hear about my friends and family going places and I’ve nowhere to go, and when I’m at home alone by myself.
  5. Tips: don’t wash your hair everyday. I also use Norwex body cloths. They don’t require soap.
  6. For me, I do not believe it will ever go away completely. For me, it waxes and wanes. But now that I've accepted that fact, and no longer fight against it, it does not have the same power over me.
  7. I also go back and forth being fine at times but then paranoid most others that the neighbors dislike me and that my husband is unhappy with me, that everyone I walk past thinks I'm mentally unstable. I feel inferior going to the grocery store or basically doing anything. Stress brings it on big time. Other times its my anxiety that brings my paranoia on I believe.
  8. Increasing my schedule has given me less time to think about and plan suicidal ideation. However, it has opened up a huge can of worms for me. So much anxiety! My tdoc has shared with me this: Increasing your schedule will inevitably increase your stress and anxiety. However, it also increases the goal of achieving a more meaningful life. We must ask ourselves whether or not we are willing to make the sacrifices to achieving that meaningful life. You do this based upon what your personal values are. These will be different for everyone. Then ask yourself whether or not you are serving your values when you are taking on said additional stressors. It becomes clearer but also harder when we must choose one value over another. What are you willing to sacrifice and for how long? For example, I value my children first, but I am willing to make a temporary sacrifice to go back to school so I can get a stable career so that I can better fulfill my personal value of taking care of my children. I hope this helps.
  9. I'm trying to finish school so I can get a job. Meanwhile, I have safety plans in place. Thank you for your concern. I feel ashamed. He had a major medical condition happen over the summer. Thankfully he is fully recovered, as well as undergoing lifestyle changes for his physical health. Unfortunately, he is still unwilling to go to counseling. He still belittles me and tells me that I don't contribute much with my social security check when I certainly pay bills and buy groceries and care for the children. When I used to work, he said the same thing then, that my contributions were meager, and unhelpful. I don't expect much to change if I stay. Once again, I have safety plans if a situation arises.
  10. Usually, when I am asked how I feel, I'll smile, lie and say that I'm "ok". But really I am not ok. I'm miserable, but I just don't know how to reach out effectively without burdening others.
  11. Because I don't want my husband to find physical evidence that I am still engaging in self harm, thereby using it against me in court so I look too unstable to keep my children.
  12. Just wanted to update. I never followed through on pressing further charges on my husband. I had long stopped going to the domestic abuse counseling. I still see the same blessed Tdoc regularly. Things are worse because now he is hitting and threatening to the children. So I have resumed domestic abuse counseling once again. I have also shared what is going on with a trusted family member, who wants me to call the police and have husband arrested next time it happens. I keep making excuses as to why I can't take action now. But it shouldn't really matter..because when it's time to make that call, there will always be a holiday, a birthday, some special event, work being done on the house, or a commitment I've made and some reasonable explanation why now isn't a good time. I am starting to feel tired of making excuses. What about me? Why do I try to rate and value all these up and coming occasions as being more important than me and the children? I do feel bad about my sis-in-law. She lives with us. She is finishing college, her parents are both dead and she has no where else to go. I enjoy her presence very much here, and it hurts me to do this to her. Also, I worry she will think I'm crazy for doing this, because my husband does not show the full extent of his violence in front of her. I still need to make myself and my kids priority, though. I hate how I don't trust my own instincts for making the right decisions. And that I believe I'm the one who's selfish and behaving irrationally. I will continue to update.
  13. Doing something to care for myself. A cup of tea, a shower, lighting a candle. Journaling.
  14. I'm feeling brave enough at this point in my therapy (I think) to talk to tdoc about how I crave his nurturing. But I feel selfish and needy because I already feel he is sort of nurturing to me. I'm not sure if me being able to ask for nurturing (rather than acting out) is a milestone in therapy (I think it might be) or holding me back because maybe our therapeutic relationship would become unbalanced with an increase in nurturing (my specific case fear). I don't want touch..unless maybe a hug? We used to share food (snacks). We both enjoy healthy food. He'd offer me small snacks and I would bring him stuff. (Think cheese sticks, smoothies, veggies). So him sharing food was very nurturing for me. (I grew up in a home having not enough food). So what other ideas could be extremely nurturing and without touch involved? Because now that I'm brave enough to bring this up I'm unsure of what exactly to tell him I'm looking for.
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