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About Feenix

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  1. Hi meowmeow, Your post moves me deeply. Take my response as one person's opinion, but I need to share it. I'd bet a million dollars that your depression is rooted in your family dynamics. Its not some mystery ailment that comes from nowhere You say right at the end there, I AM SEEKING UNDERSTANDING, immediately followed by the point that your father thinks you're lazy or stupid. That is not understanding, nor is it showing a desire to understand. One thing he doesn't understand is that beating your kids might tend to fill them with pain, sadness, fear, and all sorts of terrible feelings. If he doesn't understand that, he isn't likely to understand you better. Depression arises because something is wrong. That covers a lot of different situations. Sometimes the thing is resolvable in a short period, you get past it,make things right and the depression lifts. Sometimes its harder, like major life changes that take a long time to readjust to. And sometimes, things are so wrong that you can't even pinpoint what's wrong ("this thing"). Or you see what's wrong but you can't see any fix. Or you see a fix but it seems harder to do than just live with what's wrong. You have value as a person, and deserve understanding. The reason I know this is because you are reaching out and asking for support and help, which means you know you deserve that support. Someone who beats you and tells you youre lazy or that your depression is your fault is not reflecting that you deserve support and understanding. They are rather building shame. Shame -- the feeling that oneself is bad and wrong -- is a powerful destructive force. It saps motivation to take action, because you don't feel your worth the effort. It leads you to believe there isn't support mans understanding out there, at least not for you. There's nothing simple to solve things. Running away from home feels terrifying as the same family thats destroying your self worth also provides for your survival. Going to the hospital may feel like an admission that the problem is you (it isn't). A pill is not going to make your family more functional. You might. Consider going to a shelter for abuse. This may seem out of the question, impractical, or a giant leap off a cliff leaving everything you know. But it's a place where they know, this is not your fault. How you are feeling is not because theres something wrong with you. Whether you do this or not, keep asking for understanding, and try to build connections with those who show that they do. Especially the ones who show they care. Don't waste time with people who don't try to understand. The more understanding you find, the less depressed you will feel. You won't be not depressed for some time, but you can find hope that that is possible. You're geographically isolated but thank god for the Internet. You value yourself enough to seek the support you're needing and I bet you'll find many who care here. I care already. I didnt suffer physical abuse but a lot of emotional abuse and trauma. It sucks.
  2. I have a hard time making friends, was an only child. I know the things to recommend, since people recommend them to me, but truthfully, I haven't really been able to apply them all that well. Get active,get involved in things. Volunteering is a good idea. If you find it hard to directly engage new people in conversation, look for groups built around a shared activity. You feel less lonely even if you don't make friends right away. Even getting involved in your own hobbies, even solitary ones, can be a way to connect with others with similar interests. I can sometimes process a lot of stuff while drawing for instance, and have started going to a life drawing thing, where I've met a few people.
  3. Hi Wayward. I can relate to so much of what you describe. It's hard to have your confidence eroded but somehow continue to try to sell yourself. Knowing you could thrive with the right support but feeling crappy that you need to prove this to someone before they'll give you a chance. That's how it can feel to me at least. The self-loathing that permeates my normal life is something I'm able to cope with when I'm not having to market myself, but add a job hunt and it takes on a whole new dimension. Lots of anxiety, lots of depression, so much fun. Anyway I'm just meaning to say hi and welcome.
  4. Hi Stace. Hi and welcome. I'm new here too, signed up yesterday. I relate a lot to some things you wrote -- feeling low self-worth and confidence but remembering times when that wasn't the case. Needing a lot of reassurance and perseverating on any small negative reactions from others. well, I'm describing my own stuff, don't mean to over-identify. But the things you describe resonate a lot. If I can stick around I hope I'll see more of you here. I like the quotes in your sig too
  5. I feel rejected here already :/ I don't know how to reach out. I literally feel like there is something invisible to me but visible to everyone else that says "do not like this person". I'm very very sad.
  6. Hi folks. I just signed up, am looking for somewhere to connect with people. I'm really feeling isolated and shitty. I'm fighting with myself to try to post a description of who I am and why I'm here. I'm 40 years old, male. I'm realizing I've struggled with feelings of shame all my life, and a recent unexpected upset with work is triggering some bad stuff for me. My company let us know they'll be shutting down in a couple few months, so suddenly everyone's looking for work. I'm in software development and being 40 already feels like a danger point as many companies discriminate against older workers, and any time being on the job market I feel lots of anxiety trying to sum up my (strong) generalist skills to fit very specific job requirements. This is all stressful, but is against a backdrop of feeling like an orphan and very limited in my social network. I'm an only child, parents divorced when I was a baby, later disowned entirely by my father (I thought at the time), only to discover about 6 years later that he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my evil stepmother seized control of his email and the phone so she was able to completely shut me out of his life. I got to visit him on his deathbed last year. My relationship with my mother has always been strained, as she somewhat traumatized me when I was young while going through her own emotional difficulties, very much related to my father having left and remarried. The long and short is that I've spent several decades feeling ashamed of myself, unwanted, rejected, abandoned, angry. This has had collateral damage on relationships and in recent years I've become so agoraphobic and anti-social that I have only a couple friends, which feel like limited connections. I have lost any sense of how to forge new friendships or community and have a pervasive sense of being bad and wrong. The irony is that at my job I was able to feel important and valued, up until the moment the parent company pulled the rug out from under all of us. It feels like an impossibly uphill struggle to have to dust off my resume and sell myself in a very competitive job market while also lamenting that I'm so worthless that I have no family to talk to and no friends to cheer me on. I am married, and grateful for that support. The marriage has its troubles -- she has her own set of issues as well and of course I have mine. But in that sense, I'm not completely alone. Still I feel, as I know she does, such instability and fear that the marriage may fail and then both of us would be even more painfully alone. I've been talking to my therapist about feelings of shame, and some degree of resentment that in years of therapy it feels like none of these professionals are able to do anything tangible about these feelings. In fact, none have ever pointed out to me that shame and low self-esteem might be fundamental issues we should be working on. I'm really eager to figure out what I can do with these feelings, what resources to seek out so that I might work towards making new friends and connections, and feeling like I belong somewhere. This is all hard to do when you believe in your bones that others dislike you by definition, that you're a burden. And none of these feelings look good in an interview : ( ANyway, hi.
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