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Melancholic

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About Melancholic

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  1. Just an update: I broke up with Guy 2. I feel better, because it's fairer on both of us really. I think he's ok. As far as I know he's at a couple of mutual friends' house right now...probably bitching about me. But that's ok. Guy 1... I don't know. We haven't spoken in a while. I'm going to try my hardest to use this time for me. Thanks for everyone's support. xx
  2. I love all the reasons given above, they're all completely true! But then I also understand the OP's point. I'm like that too - even though I know logically all the reasons I should stop, something in my brain still says "pfft, who cares, it's not actually that bad. you're only hurting you, the scars mean you've survived, they're not bad, you've been doing it for 10+ years, why bother quitting...." blah blah blah, loads of stupid excuses. What it comes down to I think is the genuine WANT to stop. When I wanted to stop cutting, because I felt I deserved to be happy, mark-free and healthy, I stopped. For nearly a year. Some of my scars even faded. But shit happened and I started again. Now, I don't want to stop. I just haven't got the strength of self-love in me - I feel worthless etc, and so there's no reason or drive behind my belief of any of these (great) reasons.... Starshleigh - if you do want to stop self harming (which you deserve as a human being, no one deserves to be hurt!) try to work on valuing yourself. Once you get that down, I'm sure you'll find stopping easier. All the best!
  3. I just wanted to say thanks for reaching out Niicole - it isn't easy to talk about these kind of feelings sometimes, so you were brave Realising that self harm is a negative way to cope is also a big thing - I denied that it was a problem for so long, and just got myself into worse trouble. I hope you are able to find someone to talk to, either through your GP, or otherwise. Let us know how it goes! And if you like, keeping writing your feelings here! We're not doctors or therapists, but we can still listen. All the best xx
  4. Just wanted to add: I have always had dry skin and small bumpy blemishes on my upper arms. When I was a little kid I scratched them quite a lot, because running my hand over bumps on otherwise smooth skin felt runny, and scratching or picking at it was somehow satisfying. When I got older marks started to become visible, due to the frequency of my picking, these turned into scars, and by that point I thought it so ugly that I thought "might as well keep picking, can't really get worse". So then I had these hideous arms which I got upset about so picked, and so thus got more hideous, making me more upset....cycle. I also picked MORE to relieve stress, sometimes to the point of them being red raw and bleeding.... This WAS connected to my self harm. When it was extreme like that it was usually when it would be inconvenient to cut, but scratching your arms was less noticeable - in a lesson at school for example. It's the link between negative emotions and skin picking that can make one relate it to self harm. I think that was the point of this rambling post... sorry!
  5. This. His reaction does show that he cares a lot about you, his heart's in the right place. BUT it's not the way to help really. Maybe try explaining this to him? "Thanks for your concern, but I personally don't feel it's a sign of an episode, and I don't find your threats helpful"...? (Also, if wanting sexual relief more than every other month is a sign of addiction, then I'm right in there with you! )
  6. Thanks everyone. I realise I might have sounded like a rather massive douche with this situation if you don't quite know all the details (and man, maybe even if you do ) I've got very mixed up in my emotions and let my heart pull me around a lot... The last thing I'd want is to hurt either of these boys though! So I think being by myself is probably best.
  7. Thanks humanoid. Trying to see this from a perspective that's not emotionally attached is helpful. I don't think I was clear before - I know I've definitely gotta end it with Guy 2, I'm just waiting for him to be back from holiday so I can do so face-to-face. It's not right that I haven't before now to be honest, but as I said, I just don't want to be alone... As much as I do love Guy 1 immensely, that's probably not the healthiest either. So maybe I do just need to be by myself for a while...
  8. Right. Here we go. Just over a year ago I got into a relationship with Guy 1. We met at my work, were chatting coyly for weeks and then finally got up the courage to go for a drink together....and when we did it was great, we got on fantastically and so started our relationship. At the beginning I was a bit reluctant to get into anything serious with Guy 1, because I knew that a few months later I would have to move away to university in another city 2 hours away. BUT we worked so well together that we couldn't help it, and fell in love hard. Guy 1 and I grew up in the same area, we both love the same music, movies etc, we can chat for hours endlessly about nothing at all, just love hanging out together and making each other laugh! We can also connect on a really deep level, he understands me completely, and I can be more honest with him than anyone else in the world. The same goes for him. I feel safe with him, protected, happy, special... like the whole world is perfect when we're together, and nothing else even exists, just me and him. We just feel completely compatible, emotionally, physically, sexually (he also happens to be who I lost my virginity to... yes, im 20, was 19 a the time, it's quite late for a 1st serious relationship, but whatever lol). As much as I adore Guy 1 though, my family and some friends are not exactly enamoured by him, as he does not currently work. He used to own a building company, but got hit by a car and severely damaged his back. Since then he has been living by state benefits. This doesn't appear as an issue to me, but my mother for example doesn't approve. I brush it off, but I do kinda see how he could make more of an effort to get into work, cz having little money isn't good. It's been hard for him coming to grips with his new injury-limited life, but he's getting there. Guy 1 used to low-level sell drugs for extra cash. He stopped when we got together cz he thought I wouldn't like it. (Though I have absolutely no objection to that - everyone does drugs sometimes, I don't see selling as bad.) Guy 1 and I continued our relationship long-distance whilst I was at university this year. Everything was wonderful, we visited each other as much as possible, talked ALL the time and were really happy. Towards May though, the distance started to get to Guy 1 a bit. We tried to find him a house near me at uni, but couldn't. He became increasingly lonely away from me, tried to cope with it through drinking, got really messed up 1 night, and slept with his best friend. I didn't know about this then, but general distance-caused tension between us was upsetting me too, and I was considering ending it. He couldn't deal with what he'd done and couldn't lie to me, so called to break up with me, exactly when I planned on the same thing. I didn't know he'd cheated at the time, just thought the distance was too much. So we split, and I was destroyed. I honestly thought my world was going to end, I was in so much pain, I loved him SO much. Enter Guy 2. After about a week of bed and crying I felt better enough to go on a night out with friends. On this night out, in my incredibly drunk state, I kind of latched onto Guy 2. We'd been friends for a good few months, and I guess I needed a rebound fuck. Thing is, Guy 2 actually really liked me. And so somehow it turned into a relationship. Guy 2 told me he loved me after having been 'together' 4 days Guy 2 is sweet. He goes to my uni, he's a massive geek, we both like anime, he's quite funny. He's also ridiculously in love with me, so makes me feel special! ...He wants sex too often though, that's annoying. We're not very compatible there at all. He's also very safe - no drugs at all there, he's very straight-laced. Emotionally we get on well though, we're both quite deep-thinkers. Although a huge issue now is Guy 2's anxiety. Guy 2 has social anxiety trouble and has panic attacks. I feel for him of course, and try to help as much as I can. I hate to say it, BUT I can't take much more though. He winds himself up, and honestly I (and other friends) feel he plays the victim role a bit too much for attention, winds himself up, and makes himself worse. It's just getting a bit much now, because I can't enjoy any social situations, as Guy 2 invariably feels anxious, goes all moody and uptight and either we have to go home, or he's so awkward that I just can't enjoy staying. Whilst this isn't his fault, he could get help, and doesn't, and he won't open up to me at all, so I can't help. It's odd, he doesn't even open up to ME, im his girlfriend. I feel sad too because despite his initial rush, he doesn't like saying 'I love you' now. It seems really difficult for him... Really the whole relationship is feeling a bit of an effort. Now. Recently, whilst feeling odd about Guy 2, myself and Guy 1 have been back in contact. After talking for a few days, we both admitted that we'd never stopped loving each other. He told me about the friend he'd slept with, and that they'd since tried being a couple, but had split cz it just didn't work. I was of course shocked and hurt... But I love him so much! I realised through the strength of my renewed feelings for Guy 1 that things with me and Guy 2 had just moved too quickly. I shouldn't have got with him at all really. I went to see Guy 1 again last week. Spending time together again was WONDERFUL, it felt like coming home. I spent the night at his place, and we slept together. SO technically I've now cheated on Guy 2. BUT I don't care. It's such a weird situation - I can't feel bad, because I just feel that Guy 1 and I are soulmates. We both think that we're just meant to be together. And so we each have a free pass morally.... So Guy 1 thinks we're back together, whilst Guy 2 has no idea about any of this, and I'm freaking OUT. Something in me thinks that me + Guy 1 shouldn't get back together... Just because other people think he's a bad choice. And really I think a small part of me doesn't really see a successful future for the relationship. BUT the larger part of me thinks FUCK being sensible, I love Guy 1, and he loves me!! And I know I shouldn't be with Guy 2. We got into a relationship too quickly, when I was hurting and confused and not ready. I should end it with him. BUT I'm also very reluctant (scared?) to be alone. It's convenient (as horrid as that sounds) to be with Guy 2. He'll cook for me and get me stuff and is someone to cuddle, it's not long distance. And I feel soooo bad breaking up with him! It'll be so awkward after, we have mutual friends. So please, someone help me!! What do I do?! Which 1 should I be with: 1, or 2, or neither?! Thanks for reading such a long rant too Love, Chloe xx
  9. ....I was just wondering if anyone else felt like this ever... I've been self-harming since I was 10, to cope with feelings of grief, responsibility, fear etc when my dad died. Back then when I was young it was cutting, pretty much every day. That continued for years. Then when I was around 17 a friend suddenly became worried about my spiralling depression and harming behaviour, and threatened me in various ways to force me to stop cutting. At that point, I made a conscious decision, that if I wasn't able to cope and control my pain through cutting any more, then I was going to cope through starvation - I stopped eating, and that was the seed that began my development of anorexia. When I hit rock bottom with the anorexia though, I somehow managed to reach for recovery, and so with a lot of help and support have managed to almost entirely get better (I don't think eating disorders ever REALLY go away, but I think I'm as close as it gets). Since recovering from the eating disorder though, the cutting has come back - I'm back to cutting almost daily again, sometimes multiple times. There are also now added elements of drug abuse too. AND SO, it seems I have some inherent need to hurt myself: cutting, if I can't cut then starving, if I can't starve then cutting again, or drug abuse... My question is, does anyone else recognise this? Anyone else seem to always need some kind of harmful coping mechanism? Love, Chloe. xx
  10. Hun this isn't going to work. And the key is exactly what you said there - doing drugs when you feel low is a bad choice! It might seem that it'll make everything ok, but it won't. If you feel bad emotionally and then do drugs, you're more likely to just have a bad time than to have a miraculous mood-change. If you're guna do drugs, do them to enhance your feelings and actions, not for escapism. You want to enhance GOOD feelings, not bad, so it's best to steer clear when you're not happy. And here, you'll often find that prescription pills are much stronger than what you can find on the street, and are of course safer, because pharmaceutical companies are regulated and you know what you're getting. Obviously you're not going to get MDMA on a prescription, but for benzo's for example, when there's a choice between street or prescription, prescription is always going to be better and safer. Overall though, I'd say if you've decided to do drugs, do them for fun, not in an attempt to treat MH problems. If you ever want to ask any questions or advice, or just chat about stuff, you can always drop me a PM, k? xx
  11. Hi Feenix I'm new myself, I just joined today, so from one newbie to another, welcome! Most importantly though, I wanted to say, don't give up! I'm sorry that you feel rejected already here, but can say with near certainty that that's not actually the case - it's probably just your mind playing tricks, as our minds tend to. Whilst I haven't been here long, I was a member of a similar forum for many years, and there made many really firm, supportive friends. So I want to encourage you to take a look around the boards, read posts you're interested in, reply if you feel comfortable, create threads if you like.. slowly get involved, and over time I know you'll find people that understand you and can become friends. Maybe start a blog, or comment on other peoples? That's always a good way for people to get to know each other. Sorry, I don't want to sound overbearing - I'd just hate for you to keep feeling lonely. Love Chloe. xx
  12. Haha SILLY NEWBIE: I posted my intro in the wrong section! So here's a link.... http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/58429-another-newbie-but-im-cooler-than-the-rest/ Love, Chloe. xxxx
  13. Hiya! My name is Chloe, I'm 20, and I'm currently a student, studying Psychology with Neuroscience in Brighton, UK. I'm here because I'm crazy. Well I'm not really, only a little bit. Along the way I've been depressed, suicidal, self harmed, lost my father, suffered from anorexia, and realised that Santa isn't real.... Whilst listing out the things that bother me like that makes life seem all doom-and-gloom, it's NOT really. I've just found it often helps to talk over tough stuff with other people - especially when those people understand. And this place seems like a comfortable, fun, safe place to do that Things I love: my friends, music, dancing, reading, exercising, curling up with a movie or 8, tea.... I'll probably spend a lot of time in my blog, as I love keeping a diary. I get really excited and happy if people follow my blogs and leave comments with what they think etc, so if you feel like doing so, it'd make me smile - following other people's is also one of my favourite things. I'm really looking forward to jumping into the boards and meeting everyone here! Ummmmm... yeah. See you around I guess! xxxx
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